Carter's Undoing (To Marry a Madden Book 4), page 7
“If you couldn’t get me out of your head, why did you leave me the way that you did?”
“It was wrong of me to do that to you. At the time, I thought it was best, but you have to believe that one of my biggest regrets in life has been not doing everything in my power to be with you.”
“Do everything in your power?” I stood and began pacing the kitchen. “I don’t get it. One minute, we’re talking about getting married since we’d both turned eighteen. And the next, you join the army without even giving me so much as a good-bye. The man I loved would never have done that to me. Especially after everything that happened.”
Carter’s eyes saddened. “You can say it.”
“Say what,” I retorted.
“You can tell me how much I hurt you after the accident. How the decisions I made after one of the worst days in your life added to the deep hurt you were already feeling.”
I shook my head, my eyes pointed to the floor as I watched one foot walk in front of the other as my pacing slowed down. I’d thought about the day I learned Carter was gone for longer than I’d thought about the day of the accident.
“My mom and stepdad died,” I stated.
He nodded. “Yes, they did.”
“You of all people realized that I was conflicted the day of my mom and stepdad’s funeral, yet, I felt like you barely supported me that day. And then you left early. I had to be alone that night in that messed up house that held more bad memories than good ones. That day changed my life.”
“The day of the accident changed my life, too, Serenity. On one hand, I was the reason my girlfriend’s mom and stepdad were dead. On the other, I was relived because it meant they couldn’t hurt her anymore.”
“We were both in that car,” I told him, sitting back at the table. “We were both being chased down that deserted street by my mom and stepdad. Not just you.”
He clenched his jaw and ran his fingers down his face, his eyes toward the ceiling. “But I was the one who thought I could protect you that night.”
“You did. They wanted to kill us,” I said. “Or did you forget that part?”
“I remember it. I remember all of it.”
I tried to lower my voice. “Then you also remember the abuse I dealt with from them?”
He dropped his head back down, his eyes softening. For a second, he looked years younger than he was. “I remember every fucked-up thing they ever did to you.”
“Then I still don’t understand why you chose to leave me.”
When his eyes held mine, I knew that there was a large piece of the puzzle that I was missing. I’d caught a glimpse of my Carter for a minute. Yet, as quickly as the warmth of his eyes had returned, it left even faster, replaced with a hard, cold stare. “I had no choice but to enlist in the army,” he explained. “Especially when faced with the man I thought I’d killed.”
I fell back in my seat. “Wh-What?”
“He never died, Serenity,” Carter explained. “Your stepdad, Rodney, never died that night, and every day I’ve cursed the fact that I never waited to see the life leave his body. I caught him standing outside that big oak tree that used to be in the backyard of your parents’ house, his body beat up, but not the way I thought it would have been given he’d been in an accident a week prior. All I saw was red hot anger when I noticed him standing there. It wasn’t even disbelief that he wasn’t dead, nor was it confusion as to who was in that urn if the person we thought had died really hadn’t. I was angry, and had my mind been clearer that day, I would have recognized the malicious smirk that was on his face as I approached him.”
“Like he wanted you to see him?” I asked, still in a bit of shock.
He nodded. “Exactly. He did. Serenity, he knew I had left him and your mom for dead. He heard the bitter words I whispered in his ear that I didn’t regret a damn thing about letting him die in that dirt. He felt the wrath of my words as I watched him and your mom choke on their own blood, your mom too doped up to realize she was dying and your stepdad too much of an asshole to die without letting your name slip past his filthy lips.”
I felt the emotion in his words as if the accident had just been yesterday versus sixteen years ago. “This is not just on you, Carter. When their truck flipped over, I remember telling you I hoped they were both dead.” My voice sounded far away even to my own ears.
“But I was the one who watched them die. At least your mom.”
I shook my head. “Just because you told me to stay in your truck doesn't mean I’m any less responsible.” I may have been talking, but he didn’t even seem to hear me.
“There is so much more fucked up shit going on in the world than people ever realize,” he said. “With the war in Iraq going on, there were several government agencies who weren’t following the rules when it came to recruiting. Nothing was left to chance for some of us who enlisted. Our destiny was decided by men who didn’t play fair and didn’t give a damn about your life or who you were before the war. So I was given a choice.” Carter studied my eyes. “Either I enlist and work with his brother as their eyes and ears to all aspects of my duties in the military, or …” His voice trailed off and he looked torn. Like he didn’t really want to tell me.
“Or what?” I asked. “What was the other choice?”
“Or they were going to take you that day with them and would kill anyone in the town who stood in their way. No matter what, he made sure I realized that before he left town, it was either me or you.” He sighed, his eyes never leaving mine. “So I signed a deal with the devil, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat if it meant keeping you safe.”
My mouth slightly parted, completely taken aback by everything he was saying. His forehead creased as if he was reliving that day in his mind. When he ran his fingers down his face again, this time on the side of his scar, I was almost afraid to ask, “Did he give you that scar?”
Carter didn’t respond, but he didn’t have to. I knew the answer without his confirmation. I decided to ask another question until he was ready to talk about. “Is the reason we’re in isolation because of him?”
He nodded. “Yes, it is. I’d hoped to wait longer to tell you all this, but it’s probably best that you know Rodney is not the type of man who gives up easily and I know his entire operation. A few months ago, I blew up a pretty big deal he stood to make a lot of money from and he’s not happy about it.”
“That’s why he’s finally coming after me now? I know I asked you this before I knew which enemy you were referring to, but why not go to the police?”
“He has connections in the police force. And he’s never stopped wanting to come after you,” Carter stated. “Except now, I’m not in his operation to protect you from it by knowing his every move. So I have a few friends that I trust helping me figure it out. Caden was the one back then who helped me hide my truck since we didn’t want folks seeing the dent in my car and piecing shit together. Caden’s always known more than others even though he never understood why I stayed away or had made the choices I did. And I spoke with Malik and Micah, and they are watching the family the best they can with their resources and only their trusted confidants in the government. Which just leaves the two of us. When I blew up his last deal, Rodney moved his entire operation from the location I knew. We’re working around the clock to figure out where he’s at. Until then, you and I stay put here. I’m doing as much research as I can from this location while the others are my eyes in places I can’t be.”
I didn’t know what hurt worse—the fact that the love of my childhood had given up his entire life to protect me, or that others stood to get hurt from a criminal I ultimately brought into their lives through my relationship with Carter. I was the reason Mr. and Mrs. Madden didn’t know their son. I was the reason Carter didn’t even know how to be a son. And yet, sitting here looking into the dark eyes of a man who had risked his life for mine, I knew there was so much more I didn’t know. And he still cares a lot about you. I felt it. Could see it in how he was looking at me, worried that I couldn’t handle everything he was saying. Heard the proof in his words. And honestly, I wasn’t even sure how to feel. Nor was I sure how I’d ever get rid of the guilt that was currently coursing through every vein and blood vessel in my body.
“After all this time, I can’t believe he’s alive and that he wants me dead.”
“Not dead,” Carter said. “He wants to hurt you, but he wants you alive.”
“Why?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. “Why wouldn’t he just want to kill me?”
Carter’s eyes were remorseful when he said, “Because there’s no better way to obliterate every ounce of my soul than to destroy the life of the woman I love.”
My eyes studied his, unable to find my words. Love … Could he really love me after all this time? I didn’t have to take a second look to know that yes, he could.
Don’t you dare break down. I didn’t want to feel weakened by my circumstances when it wasn’t just about me. I stood from the table at the same time that he did, grateful that he seemed to know I needed this moment. A hug didn’t even begin to encompass everything I owed Carter, but as I reached up to hug him, and he wrapped me in his protective arms, it felt perfect. Like years of unexpected gratitude and thankful moments that I was confident I was only able to have because of this man.
It didn’t matter that we were torn apart by the decisions we’d made that fateful night. Or that we weren’t the same people we used to be. We’d loved each other since the day we’d drawn for hours on the sidewalk in front of my house.
Yet, no matter how monumental this moment was with him, I stopped believing in fairy tales when I was a little girl. Love hadn’t been enough to keep us together all those years ago, and now I knew there were so many more layers to Carter’s absence than I’d ever realized.
As ironic as it sounded, being in love was one of the reasons I stopped believing in love in the first place. At least the happy kind. Love didn’t come freely. Parents weren’t required to love their children just like kids shouldn’t assume a parent’s love was unconditional. It wasn’t. At least it hadn’t been for my mother. Love was tragic. It came with a mountain of conditions and could destroy you if placed in the wrong hands. It could make you feel the happiest you’d ever felt in your entire life one day, and snatch it all away the next. Some would say that it was life that had kicked them in the butt and I understood that. But for me, it was always that fucked up four-letter word that seemed to bite me in the ass. Or worse, make me question what made me so special that my golden boy had given up his amazing life to protect me. Me.
And while I should have felt like knowing all this meant we could live happily ever after and run into the sunset, it didn’t. Nothing in my life felt guaranteed right now. Absolutely nothing.
Nine
CARTER
“Carter!”
I awoke to the startling sound of Serenity’s screams, blood rushing to my head at her terrified cries. Reaching under my bed, I grabbed my pistol before dashing out the door and taking the stairs three at a time to get to Serenity.
I hadn’t gotten a call from Scotch alerting me about anything, and cursed myself that I’d even fallen asleep in the middle of the day. I never did that shit, but after that conversation with Serenity, I’d been exhausted and succumbed to the sleep my body needed.
As I’d suspected from the distance of her screams, she was on the deck, standing on my chair while waving the broom in front of her. It took me less than a second for me to realize that what she thought was a threat wasn’t really a threat after all.
“Carter, thank God you’re up! We’re being attacked.”
I looked from her to the culprit of her deathly screams and despite my heart racing because I had thought she was in real danger moments prior, I laughed. I laughed so hard, I had to remember to put the safety back onto my pistol.
“What are you doing? Shoot that thing!” She waved the broom some more.
“I can’t,” I said, leaning my hands on my knees to try and stop laughing.
“Why not?” she asked. I stood up and motioned for her to come to me so I could help her down. She shook her head. “I’m not getting down until you make that beast leave your deck.”
“I can’t do that,” I told her. “Because that beast that you’re referring to is my dog.”
She continued to clutch her chest, looking at me like I lost my mind. “That ain’t no damn dog!”
“Okay, Martin,” I teased, referring to an episode off the sitcom Martin where an animal had gotten into their hotel room and they’d originally thought it was a puppy. Serenity and I used to watch that episode on repeat.
I looked down at my dog, taking into account his fur that was filthy like he’d been rolling around in dirt and his big, brown eyes that still caught me off guard sometimes when I was sleeping and woke up with him staring at me in the face.
“Serenity, meet my dog, Colt.” I leaned down to rub the back of his dirty ear. “Colt, meet our first houseguest, Serenity.”
Serenity still didn’t move. “Carter, please tell me you did not find a random wolf in the woods and turn him into a household pet?”
I shrugged. “Okay, then I won’t tell you.”
“Carter! What the hell is wrong with you?”
“He’s not a wolf,” I said with a laugh. “Well, he may be part wolf, but I don’t really know. The closest vet is more than four hours away, and when I took him there when I found him outside of my front door when he was a puppy, he told me he was definitely mixed with German Shepherd, but was probably a mutt with different variations of the Husky breed.”
She squeezed the bridge of her nose. “Carter, why have I been here over a week and I’m just seeing this dog?”
“He was out scouting the area,” I explained. “Colt isn’t a house dog. He needs to be out in the wilderness. Plus, he has the skills of a sentry dog, so he’s an extra precaution to make sure we’re safe.”
“A sentry what?”
“A sentry dog. Guard dog. I trained him the same way they train the dogs in the military and police force. He’ll attack anyone he’s not familiar with.”
“Like me,” she said, waving the broom again. “He tried to attack me!”
I glanced at Colt who was sitting still. “The only thing moving is his tail.”
Serenity rolled her eyes. “Okay, so maybe he didn’t attack me.”
“I know he didn’t. If he did, you’d be dead already.”
She gasped. “Oh my God.”
“I’m kidding,” I told her. But I really wasn’t. “Listen, I’ve been prepping Colt for your arrival. He probably picked up your scent way before he came onto the deck.”
“How did he even get on this deck? It’s on stilts.”
“I trained him how to,” I explained. “Just like I gave him one of your sweaters to sniff months ago so he’d know you were a friendly.”
Serenity froze. “Come again?”
Damn. Now I was telling her too damn much. Maybe Scotch was right. I’d been on my own too long. “I had Avery mail a piece of your clothing to me months ago to a secure location that I use to pick up items I need. I had Colt sniffing it for a while so he’d know your scent by the time I got you here.”
She frowned. “You know, the more you talk, the more insane all of this sounds. As if everything else isn’t a mindfuck already, but how much does Avery know about you? And why did she never tell me anything?”
“She doesn’t know much,” I said. “However, if you want to talk to her, you can use one of the burners, but you can’t talk for longer than seven minutes. We can’t chance anyone finding out exactly where we are. Not even Avery.”
Serenity groaned into the sky before she turned back to me, still seeming pissed. I didn’t even know which part she was pissed about at the moment, but she looked damn sexy all riled up.
I extended my hand again to help her down. She took one more look at Colt before accepting my hand, her eyes observing my chest as she got down from the chair. Shit. I’d forgotten to put on a shirt in my haste to see what had caused her to scream and was only in my jogging pants.
Usually, I didn’t give a shit about how my scars looked to others. If they had an issue with them, that was their problem, not mine. Yet, as I stood there, watching Serenity’s eyes glance over each scar that had been hidden by my clothes, I found myself wondering what she thought about them.
Did they look as ugly to her as the one of my face? Did the depth of the stab wound on my left pectoral muscle make her wonder how close the wound was to my heart? Did she know the gash across the right side of my abs was the freshest one? Could she tell by the slight pinkness of the flesh on the part that still had to heal?
Every wound had a story. A moment etched in my memory to forever haunt me in my nightmares. Given everything we’d talked about, I expected her to ask me questions about them … but she didn’t. Instead, she placed a soft kiss on each and every one, her lips like a warm embrace to the injuries that held secrets I would take to my grave.
When she kissed the last one, she held my gaze. “I hear you sometimes,” she muttered.
“What?” I asked in confusion.
She took one quick glance at Colt for what I assumed was to make sure he was still standing still, and then she leaned on her tiptoe and kissed the scar on my face. “I said, I hear you sometimes when you’re sleeping. I may have been hiding out in my room, but that didn’t stop me from hearing you at night, your nightmares telling me more about what you’ve experienced over the years than you probably ever would.”
My eyes searched hers. “What did you hear?”
