Hung by the Fire, page 14
With my free hand, I wiped a tear that had started to slide down my cheek. “I think that’s the only way I ever thought about it with Dad. We’d been a family, and then we weren’t.”
“You’ll always be a family. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
My thoughts had been a jumble since coming back here, I barely knew where to begin.
“It’s weird. I thought I’d be sad all the time. It was why I avoided coming to see you here for years.” Embarrassment coursed through me. It was as if I’d abandoned her.
“I know that, sweetie, and I never held it against any of you, so get that thought out of your head. We all handle grief and loss differently.” She gave my hand a final squeeze and let go, settling back onto the couch. “And are you? Sad?”
“No.” I truly wasn’t. Memories of my dad had flooded my brain consistently since being back, but they were all of good times. “I smiled when I would think about how he hoisted me on his shoulders to see the tree lighting and sneak us treats at the festival when Mom wasn’t looking.” My dad was a sucker for a funnel cake, and all my mom had ever seen was the mess that resulted from the powdered sugar. It’d never stopped him though.
“That man loved his festival food.”
We laughed at the shared memory because it was the truth. Put something on a stick and eat it while walking around and he was happy.
“Even walking into The Reindeer Hole brought back memories of us trying to convince our parents to bring us there to see Santa.”
I realized what I said the second after the words escaped my mouth.
“When did you go to The Reindeer Hole? Hmmmm?” Aunt Nadine’s eyebrow rose high on her forehead, letting me know in no uncertain terms she had caught a scent and was on to me. “I don’t think you’ve been taking Joy at night, and you’ve been with me either here or at the festival every other night.”
I didn’t feel right lying straight to her face, so I relented. “I got in the day before I came over. I needed to spend time in town without everyone knowing who I was. I stopped in there that night.”
“You could have told me. Small towns can be a lot, so I get it.” Her understanding look turned to a squint. “Wait a second.” And I did. I waited for the other shoe to drop. “That was the same night I sent Cole out to relax a little. I knew that man was more relaxed than a few drinks could account for when he got home.” The pointed look she gave me had me feeling like a wayward teen.
And then she squealed. Now who was the teen?
“I knew it! I knew something was up between the two of you. I thought it began after you started taking care of Joy, but it didn’t. That’s why you acted so odd that first day. You already knew him.” She winked my way. “And by knew him, I mean ‘knew.’” She waggled her eyebrows. “This couldn’t make me happier. You are exactly what he needs.”
I needed to slow the woman’s roll as nothing was further from the truth.
“I don’t know about that. There’s nothing really between us, except an attraction we couldn’t, and still can’t, seem to resist. He’s told me he doesn’t do relationships or forever and I’ve never considered having anything less in the long run. It will be what it is for the time I’m here, and then it’s over.”
The words almost made me sick because, no matter how many times I told myself it was temporary, my heart wasn’t listening. Hell, neither was my brain, but at least that kept trying. The stupid organ in my chest was slowly twisting itself around Cole and Joy, and I knew it would break in a million pieces one day.
“I don’t know his story, but that man was born to do forever. I can tell.” From what he’d told me today, I didn’t know if I trusted her assessment. “I’ve seen the two of you watching each other when you think no one is looking, and I’ve wondered. Those looks aren’t temporary, even if he doesn’t know it. Just think on it.” She stood, leaning over and planting a kiss on my head. “Life can lead you on a ride sometimes, but it usually brings you to exactly where you were meant to be.”
Sitting alone, the tree bathing me in its glow, I wondered if the last place I expected to find myself again was actually the place I was supposed to be all along.
seventeen
COLE
“Hey, maybe I can come in and you know, like see your place or something.”
“No.”
“Damn, C-man. A little territorial about a house.”
I should have expected this when Blake offered to drive me home after work. He damn well wasn’t talking about coming in to see the house. The only person from the team who’d been inside was Will, when he and Darlene had come over to meet Joy. He had no interest in seeing a place that still needed work but at least had decorations up.
His interest was in seeing Bethany.
“I’m not territorial about my house.”
But I was growing damn territorial about my nanny. Since our excursion to buy the tree over a week ago, we’d seen each other almost every day. Even if only for dinner with Mrs. M. Which I had to admit was made all the more uncomfortable the first time after I found out our secret was out. I thought Mrs. M would be more critical or cautious, maybe even warning me off her niece.
I should have known that wouldn’t be the case.
Not a single thing had changed. She still treated me as if I was worth something, worthy of Bethany.
For some reason she still didn’t understand I wasn’t.
He leaned forward, to get a look around me and out the passenger side window. “Ahhh, so is it the nanny?”
“Stay away from Bethany.” I had no claim to her in the long run, but while she was here, she was mine. Mine. The word had become synonymous with her over the past week. I had no right to think of her that way, but it didn’t stop me.
“Listen man, I know I have a reputation with the ladies, and to be honest I earn every last compliment.” I snorted at Blake’s aplomb, which he answered with a smirk. “And I’m sure, if I tried, I could sway her away from your grumpy ass.” He held up a finger before I could warn him off again. “But oddly enough I don’t want to. You’ve actually been less grumpy the past few days, and if it’s due to the pretty nanny, I’m all for it.”
His words stuck me a little because I realized they were the truth. Spending time with my whiskey girl and Joy made me, I don’t know, almost happy. I haven’t really had much experience with that particular emotion, so it was still a new feeling if that’s what it was.
One I’d be okay with experiencing more of.
“I can’t believe I’m the one saying this, because I’m not usually the deep one, but I think I speak for all of us when I say it. You’ve always been one of us, even if you’ve kept your distance. We’re a team. We trust in each other.” He nodded before adding on, “Hell, we have to, considering our lives are in each other’s hands. The fact that you came to Cap’s Christmas party for the first time meant something to us.”
“It felt like I should go.” Bethany didn’t join me, but she was the one that convinced me to go when she spotted the invitation on my counter. To say I felt a little awkward was an understatement. The wife of one of the other Captains had stolen Joy right out of my arms within seconds and I stood there not knowing what to do, even if I knew most of the people in the room, but then it had felt like a day at work. That’s not true. It felt like a day with friends.
For someone who could count friends on one hand with multiple fingers left over, the sensation felt foreign to me, yet at the same time right.
Right. Like maybe I wasn’t the loser, unlikable person my father had always told me I was.
Right. Like I always thought Evergreen Lake felt, but never wanted to really accept what that meant.
Right. Like almost everything associated with Bethany felt.
As if the simple thought conjured her, the front door opened and she appeared, a wide-awake Joy on her hip.
“Have to say, buddy, that’s quite a sight to come home to in the morning.”
“Have to say, buddy,” I echoed the words to Blake, more comfortable with the man than ever before, “you’re right.”
I knew it couldn’t last. Knew I didn’t deserve for it to last, but I would soak in every second I had with her.
I’d accepted the man my past had made me, but right now, I wished every second of my childhood had been different. That it had made me worthy of her.
“Get on in there and say hi to your girls,” Blake said teasingly, but the words felt all too serious.
Opening the door, I thanked him for the lift home and hopped out, my gaze centered on my girls.
“Morning, whiskey girl,” I whispered as I got close, leaning down to place a kiss on her mouth. I could have taken it deeper, even standing there for all the neighborhood and my teammate to see, if it weren’t for small hands clapping against my cheek, demanding my attention. Breaking off the kiss, I turned toward Joy. “Good morning to you too, cupcake.” Somewhere along the way, I’d started using the nickname Mrs. M and Bethany had given her. It fit her perfectly, because Joy really was the sweetest of babies. I plucked her out of Bethany’s arms and nuzzled her neck to squeals of excitement.
Everyday was something new with her, and while I hated that her parents weren’t here to see it, I relished in having that exact privilege.
Walking into the living room, I stopped and looked around. Sometimes I couldn’t believe this was my home. It was like a Christmas store threw up. Between the tree, the lights strung everywhere, garland and stockings hung on the mantle, and yes, the inflatable penguin on my front lawn like Will had predicted, I’d gone from bare to fully decorated this year.
And even with all of the decorations, the two females in the house still shown brightest.
“How was the rest of your shift?”
While I texted throughout the day with Bethany, I let her get sleep during the night. Except for a quick “good morning” message, we hadn’t spoken since last night, and it felt too damn long.
“Slow. Nothing going on except keeping an eye on that storm they’re predicting.” Some weather reports were calling for a snowstorm to come through in time for Christmas, so everyone was on alert. “How was the night here?”
Following Bethany into the kitchen, I gladly accepted the tumbler of coffee she already had for me.
“Perfect. We both slept right through.”
The one thing I thought would never happen. Those first few months with Joy had seemed like one interminable day, between her crying and being up all night for food or simple soothing. Somehow, we’d worked through it.
“She rolled over again today. I thought for a second she was going to lift herself up, but it didn’t happen.” Bethany tickled Joy’s tummy. “You’re going to be on the move soon, baby girl.”
“What? Moving? Like crawling? I thought the book said six months for that. She’s not even five months. Isn’t that too soon?”
Where was the level-headed firefighter? How could the thought of one tiny mobile baby scare me more than flames licking at my back? Bethany laughed, the sound warming me, and calming my nerves in ways I never even imagined. She’d keep me sane when Joy started to crawl and walk.
If she’s still here.
The thought of Bethany not here was not something I really wanted to consider.
“Not every baby follows the book exactly. It may be sooner. It may be later. Calm down, dad.”
In an instant, the warmth disappeared and a chill replaced it, and I snapped, “I’m not her dad.” Joy had a dad. She had someone who loved her like a father was capable of loving her, but he was no longer here. It didn’t mean I was her father. It didn’t mean I could love her like that.
I noticed the way Bethany flinched and hated myself a little for causing it, but I struggled with the whole subject. As if she knew the feel-good emotions of seconds before were replaced by tension, Joy reached out chubby little hands and patted us both on the cheeks. While Bethany smiled at Joy, she stepped away from me and went to gather her things, slipping her coat on.
This is why I didn’t do relationships, didn’t do people. I wasn’t good at it. From childhood I knew I caused everyone around me to be mad at me, to want to have nothing to do with me. A person couldn’t change that no matter how much I wanted to.
“I’m going to head out.”
“Whiskey gi—”
She shook her head, and I cut off what I was going to say.
“I know you didn’t mean to snap, and I’m not really mad. I know it’s a touchy topic, but Cole…” Her words were hushed even as she strolled back over to me. “Whether you can accept it or not, you are her father now. You’re the one she’s going to come to when she scrapes her knee, when she wants to go on her first date, when she’s thinking about college. That’s simply the way her life turned out.”
The tear rolling down her cheek killed me, so I brushed it away. I wasn’t able to brush the feelings away as easily. She cupped her hand around mine, holding me to her skin. “I know what it’s like to lose a dad young, though not as early as Joy. I got to experience his love, but I also wound up with a wonderful bonus dad who was there for all the things I mentioned.” She pulled my head down, until our foreheads touched. “That’s you now.”
With a quick press of her lips to mine, she stepped away.
“You don’t have to go.”
I didn’t want her to leave. Didn’t want to be alone with the thoughts she put in my head, because it was what I’d been avoiding since bringing Joy home. I was her uncle. I was her caretaker and guardian.
I could never be her dad.
“I do, but only for a little while. We do have a date later, after all. You can’t get rid of me that easy.” She whispered something under her breath as she strode to the door, but I missed it.
“You still want to go with me?”
“Oh Cole, I want to do so much with you.” She pulled open the door and glanced over her shoulder. “But you need to let me.” Stepping outside, she winked back at me. “Besides, you know it will be fun.”
eighteen
BETHANY
“I don’t know if I’d classify this as fun.”
Throwing my head back, I laughed and watched as Joy promptly joined in with her own giggles. I pulled my phone from my jeans back pocket and snapped Cole’s picture.
A picture of him. With a kitten. Curled up on his shoulder, fast asleep and absolutely blissful.
I know that feeling kitty, know it well.
It’s how I often fell asleep on the nights we stayed together, after he wore me out. Not that I was complaining. Cuddled up next to him was quickly becoming my favorite place in the world.
Somehow, I convinced the man to venture out to the pet rescue event because I thought Joy would like to see the animals and she was having the time of her short life. Between the fur under her hand as we helped her pet them and the noises they were making to each other, she was in animal heaven.
However, in fairness, I also wanted to see them. We had a cat when I was growing up, but we lost it not long before my dad died and we were all mired in too much grief and healing to try to think about bringing an animal home with us. Then, as time moved along, we never adopted another. Not long ago I started to think maybe a furry friend would be a welcome addition to my life.
Now, with this image embedded in my mind, I didn’t know if I could take one home to my lonely apartment. Not after seeing Joy’s reaction and the kitten falling in love with Cole.
Relating a little too much to the purr-monster, huh?
“Did you have to do that?” Cole mumbled in my direction.
Thankful for the disruption of thoughts I didn’t want to deal with right now, I simply smiled. “What? He seems pretty content, and I saw you petting him.” Cole may try to talk the big “I’m not getting a pet” game, but it didn’t stop him from reaching up and stroking the kitten’s fur every minute or so.
“I can’t get a pet.”
“Why not?”
Joy clapped her hands as if wanting to know the answer too. Or it could have been in response to the puppies barking where they played with a couple of older kids nearby. She was taking it all in and loved every second.
“Well, if you haven’t noticed, I have a bit of a crazy schedule. Don’t wave that off, it is. Also, I can barely take care of the baby I have. How could I possibly handle a pet?”
If there was one thing that drove me crazy about the man, and not in a good way, it was his utter disrespect for himself regarding Joy. He refused to see how good he was with her, how much she adored him, but it was easy enough for anyone with eyes to see. She tracked his every movement. In the morning, when we waited for him to come home, the minute she heard the door, her smile could brighten any room. I thought back to earlier, when he snapped at me in the kitchen. If any man had done that to me before I would have walked out and never looked back.
Cole was different.
I thought about all the time I would watch Cole with Joy and wonder what he was thinking. It was my thing, and in this regard, I didn’t think I was far off in my estimation. He wasn’t mad at me. He was still mad at the circumstances life had thrown at him. If I knew one thing, it was that grief could make anyone act different, could make them doubt themselves. When it came to Joy, he was a giant mass of doubt and confusion, but whether he liked it or not, he was her father now.
It was pretty clear to see that while he may adore her, he was struggling with the father concept.
I was also just about done hearing him put himself down.
“You can take care of Joy fine. She’s thriving. Would you stop with the negativity?” I held up my hand, before he could disagree. “And I can help.”
With another absent-minded scratch to the kitten’s ears, he responded, not knowing he was gutting me in the process. “Yeah, but you’re not going to be here forever. At some point I have to find another option for Joy.” He plucked her out of my arms and tickled her, all without dislodging his guest. “Isn’t that right? What are we going to do when Bethany has to go home?”
