Loving Jagger, page 13
part #2 of Wild Heart Series
I run my fingers across his skin and gently clean him. He lets out a sigh as if I pulled him out of a dream. He moans softly and closes his mouth, a small smile tilting his lips.
A sad smile.
“Jagger?”
It’s barely a whisper, and he opens his eyes, pools of dark green setting on me.
He searches my face for a moment.
“What happened, Jagger?”
He pushes up to his elbow, wincing. His hand comes to my face, his fingers brushing my skin.
“What the hell happened to you, man?” he asks with a gravelly voice.
“I could fucking kill you, Jagger,” I say, laughing.
I palm his face and push him back. His head hits the sand, his lips curving into a smile.
“I thought you’d drowned, motherfucker,” I say, and he starts laughing.
“Drowned? What the fuck is wrong with you man? I went out swimming...”
“Drunk... and naked,” I say running my eyes down on him, throwing his drenched swim trunks in his face.
He catches them and laughs some more.
“What’s wrong with that?”
“What’s wrong with that is that I didn’t find you. I only found your shorts, and I thought that something bad had happened to you, and I swam like an idiot looking for you in the water and all the while you were snoozing on the shore...” I say, swept by my emotions.
“Why are you angry, Braxton?”
“I’m not angry,” I shout. “I’m not angry,” I say with a calmer voice. “It’s just that for a moment I had the worst thoughts, Jagger.”
“I’m sorry man. I swam and then I fell asleep.”
“Why the hell are you naked?”
“Because I fucking like to swim naked,” he says raising his voice.
My hand shoots up in the air.
“Okay... All right. Can you please put your shorts on?”
He pulls the swim trunks on slowly.
“Can you hurry?” I press as the sun begins to rise.
“All right, all right... Stop bugging me. What the fuck?”
He staggers to his feet, swaying slightly, a hand moving slowly to his hair.
“How much you have you had to drink, Jagger?”
“Go fuck yourself, Braxton.”
He rubs his eyes for a moment, and I wait.
“I need your help...” he finally says, and I don’t move.
“Please,” he adds, and I offer my shoulder, his arm snaking around my neck.
We start walking toward the villa.
“Why the fuck do you have to drink like that, Jagger?”
“Not now, Braxton. Not now... Please.”
A half hour later, I push him into the shower. He kicks his shorts off, and I wash his hair, brushing the sand out of his strands. The more time he spends under the water, the more sober he becomes.
“Okay,” I say as I head for the door. “Are you going to be okay?”
“Yes,” he says softly.
“You need anything? Coffee? Food?”
“No, I’m good.”
“I’ll go to sleep.”
“Okay,” he mutters, and I walk out the door.
13
BRAXTON
The mattress dips behind my back, a scent of fresh aftershave rolling over the cotton sheets. The AC blows cold air. The door to the patio is cracked open.
Patches of sunlight dance on the walls. I roll to the other side and face him. Elbow tucked under his face, wearing nothing but a towel, he watches me in silence.
“I didn’t want to scare you,” he says, his voice soft like the morning.
My eyes are drawn to his lips. He registers my gaze and gives me a small smile. The light spills over his face, setting off his handsome features.
“Then why did you go there? Alone...”
“I didn’t think about it,” he says, and then I notice the sadness in his eyes.
“Is this about Violet?”
His eyes fly off me for a moment before they come back.
“It’s about many things... But she is to me some sort of a crossroad. There were so many things I hadn’t thought about before her, and now I do, and the more I do, the more complicated everything becomes...” he says and breathes out a nervous chuckle. “And it drives me crazy...”
“What things?”
“Money is one...”
“You have money, Jagger...”
“I do, but that’s not the kind of money that I want... And plus, I don’t want to wait... I want my freedom, and I want it now. I never thought about it before her. I mean you and I did, and we thought we had it, but we never cared to check and see if it’s there? We didn’t need it, but now I do. I’ve never felt powerless, or had my back pressed against a wall, but that’s exactly how I feel since I’ve been with her. And I don’t like it… I hate it. That’s why I started to work, but see, this week was our first test, and we both have failed...”
A shadow sets in his eyes.
“You don’t know that, Jagger. You don’t even know what she meant by that message. You assume shit, but you have to talk to her first...”
“That’s not it, Braxton... I know I could talk to her, and I’d probably change her mind and sway her the way I want, but that’s not the point, because if I can do that, other people can too, and I think that’s exactly what’s happened. She was mine. One hundred percent mine. And it all happened a week ago. I could’ve asked her to step in the fire for me, and she would’ve done it... and now... whatever the hell happened with her job or her boss or whatever, has put holes in her confidence. It made her take a step back, and have a second look. Whatever bothered her, she didn’t care to share it with me and talk to me first. She made up her mind like a fucking girl who takes her life advice from love columns and what not... That’s not what I fucking want... I don’t need that. I had that. I’m sick of that. I don’t want to take that fucking ride. If I risk my heart, I want to do it for something better than that. If I need to pay a price it has to be worth it. That’s all I’m saying.”
“You need to give her time...” I say as much as it pains me to admit, and a cloud of sadness hovers over his eyes.
“Yeah... Maybe... I don’t know...”
Silence falls between us as he closes his eyes for a moment. My eyes roam over his chest as it softly rises and falls, as if he drifts off to sleep.
“Am I one of those things, Jagger?” I ask, and his eyes pull half open. “The things that complicate your life,” I say quietly.
Light engulfs his eyes before he sinks them deep into mine, and I feel them in my groin.
He shakes his head slowly.
“Yes and no. Whatever happens with her and me, I don’t want you to be the price I pay. It’s all I’ve hated. Remember? It’s all I said I’d never do. I don’t want to lose you, man, but the thing is...” His eyes narrow, the focus of his gaze shattering. “I don’t know how to do this...”
I smile bitterly.
“You don’t have to do anything Jagger,” I say, sounding disappointed, and hurt.
“Listen...”
His hand comes to my shoulder, and my skin prickles up to my hairline.
“That’s exactly what I’m afraid off. Hurting you or her... You having to change, or me having to change, shutting down that part of us that I love the most, the part we thought is only ours, different than the lives of so many people. I don’t want you to have to step back as much as I hate it when she’s pulling back.”
“You can’t control what other people feel, Jagger. And what we thought and wanted may have only been some teenager fantasy, some stupid dream. It’s not people like us who sit at the drawing table and envision life. It’s the other people, and to them everything makes sense. That’s why life looks the way it does, and that’s why they don’t mind it. People like us, are a fluke, an exception, and perhaps what we wanted for ourselves was an anomaly. Who wants total freedom, Jagger? Nobody. Nobody likes it. Nobody craves it. And most people don’t understand it. That’s why they fear it. That’s why they give it the name of a disorder, and that’s why they label the people who don’t fall in line, outcasts. It’s that simple really. What you or I want, may be unattainable for this simple reason. We don’t live in a bubble, and she doesn’t either, and what you feel for her is a powerful enough feeling to make you cross that line into her realm, the one you resented to begin with, but that’s the price you have to pay, and in the end you have to listen to your heart.”
His lips curl into a warm smile.
“I listen to my heart... That’s the problem. But my heart doesn’t want to choose, and it doesn’t understand what my mind asks of it. Making that choice rationally is like saying, I’ll keep half of my heart and kill the other half because it makes total sense. So, yeah... I’m listening to my heart. That’s why I don’t want to do this... And that’s exactly why I want to be as clear as I can possibly be. I don’t want to make a choice... Do you understand?” He looks at me, his heart bleeding in his eyes. “I don’t want to choose...That’s not what we’ve dreamed of... Remember?”
“You may not have a say... That was you and me, and stupidly enough, we didn’t take women into account. I mean not this kind of woman. I never thought one would come between us, but that was not the real life. We were kids, dreaming of something that doesn’t exist, something that many sailed off looking for and never found it. Why would we, Jagger? It was bound to happen to you or me... You fell for a woman who’s different. But she also wants different things than you and I want. Women want to feel safe. They want a predictable life. They want to nurture, Jagger. It’s in their blood whether she recognizes or not. They don’t want to live on the fringe. They don’t want to breathe freedom and have the adrenaline run in their veins day in day out. They don’t want that high. ”
Disappointment sets on his face.
“She’s a different kind of woman... and for a moment I thought she wanted different things.”
“Maybe she does, but you don’t know, and perhaps she doesn’t know either.”
“She left that kind of life behind...” he says, but he knows it’s not the most powerful argument to support his belief.
“Yeah... but she may as well have left it because she didn’t like the man she was supposed to share that life with. Maybe right now she’d like to pull you into that kind of life... or someone else... If it’s true what you say about her boss, it could be him or someone like him... See, women are not that different in the end, and it’s nothing you or I can change. It’s their very nature. They are supposed to settle, not to run wild... At least not forever.”
His eyes close again. He shields them with his hand, the corner of his lips, softly twitching.
“I’m sorry, Jagger... I’m not saying she doesn’t love you. I think she does... And I think you fear that man for nothing... but...”
He moves his hand away from his face and opens his eyes.
“You know this would not work, Braxton... You fucking know it. If I give in, sooner or later, it would break me... I don’t think I could change. Maybe I’d do it for a while and then I’d resent her. I’d be miserable, until that day when I’d give up and break her heart and mine. That’s why I need the money and freedom... That’s why I want to pull her to me, not the other way around... That’s why I want her to choose, not me...”
“Then don’t...”
His eyes dig deep into mine.
“Don’t choose Jagger. Make her come to you. Let her know... Show her what that life looks like... Give her a taste of it, put the seeds in her mind, and see where it leads her... How far she goes... It’ll teach you about her, and hopefully, it will help her to see something different...”
“That’s easier said than done.”
“You haven’t talked to her about that...”
“That’s not something to talk about.”
“I know. I’m not saying you should. Let her go there. On her own. If she wants to, and I think she would. It’s a risk you take, but it may pay off, and you might be surprised, in the end. There are things you don’t know about her. Things she kept away from you. Secrets of her own.”
He tilts his head and flashes a smile.
“Does she?”
I grin.
“Yeah, she does...”
“How the hell do you know?”
“Because I’m one of them.”
“Are you?”
I nod softly, stretching a playful smile.
“How come you didn’t tell me... the secret?”
“I thought she would… I wanted her to tell you... That would have meant a huge admission to herself, but she hasn’t… so yeah, she may be more than you think, Jagger...”
“What are you talking about, man?”
“The night she came looking for you, at your house. She stumbled onto a woman and a man in one of the rooms.”
“Yeah... I know... It was that fucking jerk, what’s his face... Rolland, or something...”
A smile curves my lips, and he looks at me dumbstruck.
“No, it wasn’t. We switched rooms. He got the twins, and he needed the fucking bed. I was in that room when Violet busted in. I was almost naked, and Adele was on her knees when Violet walked in on us and she stalled and watched... a few good minutes, until she stumbled back and you caught her in your arms. And then there was the night she danced with me... She pulled me to her... You know that... And it wasn’t in a flirty way or anything, but she did. It was something that couldn’t be stopped by her conscience or conditioning. She didn’t feel she was doing anything wrong because she knew she was bound to you, her conviction was that strong, I could tell, but she let herself be led by her heart and what she felt in that moment… So that’s why I’m saying, she may have more courage than you think... but it’s not going to be an easy ride, and it will not be without drama. She’d be torn, but there’s a chance once we crossed that line... she’d be with us. All the way.”
Jagger
Braxton's eyes look like a mountain lake, his dark, long lashes casting a thick shadow over the blue.
“You think?”
“Yeah, I do. The first time, in your home, she couldn’t fucking move. She thought I couldn’t see her because I had my eyes closed, but I was watching her. I didn’t know who she was, but I knew she wasn’t one of the women at the party. And then when I found her in your bed, it was more than the fact that I walked on her. She knew who I was. That’s why I was surprised she didn’t tell you anything. So see, she has her secrets. I don’t think she wanted to lie to you. I think it was something she didn’t want to deal with, herself...”
His eyes flow through me.
“That day–– the day I walked in on you two, I was a fucking mess. And the night she danced with me... Fuck, man. I’ve never felt that way. And I couldn’t stop her. It wasn’t me, man. And it wasn’t as if she was set to do that to you or me. It wasn’t like that. You know?”
“Yeah... I know,” I mutter.
I roll to my back, his eyes sweeping my body, his stare drawing hot blood to my groin. I bend one knee and run my hand on my hard length.
“You need to get laid, man,” he says, jokingly, and I flick my gaze to him.
His eyes sparkle behind his dark bangs.
“So do you,” I toss back at him, chuckling.
“Why’d you say that?”
“Just because you lie on your stomach doesn’t mean I don’t know how fucking hard you are.”
He throws a pillow at my face and starts laughing. I block it, and the pillow falls on the floor. With one flick of my hand I yank the sheet off his ass, and sure enough, I see his erection peeking from under him. He pulls the sheet back on him, laughing like an ass.
“Didn’t I say?” I mutter, and his hand comes to my face.
I duck out of its way.
“Mind your own business, Jagger.”
“I do,” I say, sneaking my hand under the towel and slowly stroking myself.
His eyes dip, and another pillow comes to my face.
“Don’t fucking do that to me, man...”
“I’m not doing anything to you...” I say, laughing.
He tucks his dick under him, grunting. His eyes drop again.
“Don’t watch if you don’t like it.”
“You’re such a fucking jerk, Jagger... You know that?”
“Why are you so horny anyway?”
I stop for a moment. Palming my cock, I look at him, and his eyes come to mine. They’re flushed with lust. His skin glows, his lips curved into a sinful smile.
“You’ve had more traffic in that bed of yours than the fucking airport,” I say, and we burst into laughter.
“Just because I had traffic doesn’t mean anyone has landed.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
A blush plops on his face.
“What happened Braxton? Have you lost your touch? Are you getting old? What is it?”
His fist sinks into my shoulder, hard, the pain smashing into my bones.
“That hurt, Braxton... What the hell?”
I punch him back.
“Tell me, baby...” I mutter teasingly and start stroking myself again.
“Stop doing that, Jagger,” he says, barely withholding his laughter.
“Then start talking. Did you or didn’t you get laid last night or this week... or whenever?”
His face hits the pillow.
“I fucking tried,” he says, his voice muffled, chuckling at the same time.
I run my fingers through his hair.
“So it is the age after all... Don’t feel bad, baby... We’re all aging,” I say playfully, and his head flicks up from the pillow, his elbow sliding over my chest, his pecs landing on top of mine.
“Stop saying that, man...”
Our eyes hook together, wild things flowing through them.
“I fucking tried... I did. But it’s not the same without you... and the women... Don’t start me on the women,” he says with a quiet voice.
“They are the same women that we used to fuck.”
“Yeah, they are, but something is not working anymore... and it’s not my dick, I can tell you that much,” he says, laughing.
