Howl, page 24
Tripp shrugged. “Don’t be. I don’t blame my mom. I’m not mad at her. Everyone deserves to be happy, and she couldn’t be happy here.”
“I know the feeling.”
“Do you? Because I might be mistaken, but you looked pretty damn happy when we were up on that stage.”
It looms over me, framed by the night and the stars and moss-choked oak trees.
“I was, but…” My voice cracked. “The monster did something to me in the sprawl. If I stay, I’ll turn into a monster, too.”
You’re a monster, baby. Be a monster.
“Nah. You couldn’t be a monster if you tried.”
“You don’t know me.”
“I feel like I kinda do, but let’s say you’re right.” Tripp crossed his arms over his chest. “You think running away’s gonna keep you from turning into a monster?”
“I—”
“If the monster’s inside you, won’t it just tag along wherever you go?”
Tripp had voiced my own fears, but there had to be a way to ensure I left the monster in Merritt. When I moved back to Seattle, I wanted to be able to forget Merritt and everything in it.
“I’ll figure it out,” I said.
“I’m sure you will.” Tripp paused, watching me. “There’s nothing I can say to make you change your mind about quitting the play, is there?”
I shook my head.
“We both know it was Finn Duckett who ruined the show last night, though, right?”
I nodded.
Tripp let out a long, frustrated sigh. “Look, if you wanna let Finn and Jarrett and all the boys in Merritt like ’em keep you from doing something you love, I can’t stop you. If you wanna let them run you out of town, I can’t make you stay. But it seems like a real shame to let them win.”
“Let them win?” I laughed wildly. “How the hell am I even supposed to play when the game is rigged?”
“Shoot, Virgil, the game’s always rigged. But you keep playing anyway, otherwise you’re just wasting everyone’s time.” Tripp patted my leg and stood. “Hope to see you at the show tonight.”
SIXTY-ONE
OF COURSE FINN WAS THROWING a party. He’d ruined the one thing I actually enjoyed about Merritt, and he needed to celebrate. Reba sent me a message about it, but didn’t say why. Maybe she was asking for help. Maybe she thought I could find proof of Finn’s crimes that Chief Duran could use to arrest him and keep her job. Regardless of Reba’s reason, I admired her. She had every cause to hate Finn and Jarrett, but she kept putting on a smile and going to the parties so she could try to keep other girls safe.
Hey, wanna see something cool?
I had no intention of going. Even if I captured video of Finn dropping pills into someone’s drink, I doubted Chief Duran or Mayor Hart or anyone in Merritt could do anything, because it wasn’t only Finn. It was the entire culture of silence in the town. It was the way Jarrett knew I’d been telling the truth about being attacked but had kept quiet. It was the way the veneer of respectability was more important to folks than people’s actual safety. It was the way everyone in town was comfortable turning away so that they didn’t have to see the rot eating away at Merritt’s roots. Going to Finn’s party, bringing him down, would change nothing and would probably only lead to more humiliation for me.
Words are just words. They don’t mean nothing.
Not everyone stood by and watched, though. Reba was trying. Tripp had gone out of his way to support me. Chief Duran must’ve known what would happen if she questioned Finn, and she’d gone ahead with it anyway. Even Astrid fought Merritt’s complacency in her own weird fashion. Doing nothing, if there was even a slim chance of changing things, would make me as complicit as the rest of them. But hadn’t I endured enough?
Around suppertime, I started to get hungry. I hadn’t eaten all day, and I’d only left my room to use the bathroom. I was surprised to find Grandma and Grandpa sitting with Dad at the kitchen table.
Dad looked up when I entered. “Good. I was just coming to get you.” He looked exhausted. A layer of stubble made his cheeks appear sunken in, and his eyes were painted with the bruises of lost sleep.
“What for?” I looked around the kitchen. It was early, but Grandma usually had dinner started by now.
“If we hurry, I can get you to the theater in time for the show.”
I folded my arms over my chest. “I’m not going.”
“Don’t let some clown in a costume make you act like a fool,” Grandpa said. “In my day—”
“I don’t care what they did in the Middle Ages, Grandpa.” Anger was a whisper in my chest. A quiet growl.
“Watch your tone, Virgil.” Grandma stared down her nose at me.
Dad cut through the noise. “You are going to the show. I can’t force you to perform, but at the very least you owe it to the cast to support them from the audience.”
“I don’t owe anyone a damn thing.” My voice rose. “Grandpa tells me to pretend what I’m feeling doesn’t exist, like that ever helps anything. Grandma punishes me with never-ending chores when I’m the one who got hurt. And you just disappear.”
“I’ve been working—”
My pain grew louder. “I needed you, Dad! I needed someone to tell me it wasn’t my fault! That it was okay to hurt! That it was okay to be afraid! But you weren’t here! You left me with them!” I pointed at Grandma and Grandpa. “And all they want is to sweep it under the rug because we can’t have folks in Merritt talking about us, can we?”
I saw tears in Grandma’s eyes. Pain etched across Dad’s face. Even Grandpa had gone pale.
“You can’t hide from what happened to you,” Dad said.
“Of course I can’t! Because the monster didn’t stay in the sprawl. It lives in here.” I poked my sternum. “And in here.” I pointed to my head. “I’m the monster now! I’m the thing people should be afraid of! And it didn’t have to be this way. All you had to do was listen! All you had to do was pretend to care!”
My voice filled the kitchen. It shook the walls and rattled the windows. I was an earthquake. A tornado descended from the sky with no objective but to destroy.
I waited for an apology. For one of them to admit they were sorry and tell me they wished they’d listened to me in the emergency room. But shame had rendered them mute. Or maybe it was fear. Of me. Of what I was and what I was becoming.
I stormed out of the house. I didn’t know where I was going, but I needed to leave. The bicycle had a flat tire, but the Jetta was sitting in the driveway and Grandma usually left the keys in the ignition. So what if I didn’t have my license?
ride, ride, ride, ride.
I got in the car, cranked the engine, and fled as fast as the Jetta would take me.
SIXTY-TWO
I SNUCK INTO THE THEATER after the show had started and sat in the back row. I was surprised by how many seats were filled. Most folks probably hoped for an opportunity to witness another disaster. Unfortunately for them, the only disaster on stage was Nash Galloway. Not that I could blame him. The kid had never expected he’d have to play the lead, and I think the only reason Mr. Hilliker chose him as my understudy was because we wore the same size suit.
Tripp was the star that night, but the other cast members each had an opportunity to shine. The hours and weeks of hard work had paid off. The show was hilarious, sometimes unintentionally so, and the audience seemed to genuinely enjoy themselves. I was ashamed that I was allowing fear to prevent me from being onstage that night. But, like my memories of Luca, the theater was tainted for me now. My mind would forever draw a straight line from the stage to the sprawl.
I hated them for that. I hated Finn and Jarrett and everyone in Merritt who had laughed at my pain, who had called me a liar or told me I’d deserved what I’d gotten. I hated myself for the small part of me that believed them.
Near the end of the show, I crept out quietly to avoid being seen. I wasn’t sure where to go, but I couldn’t return home to face whatever wrath awaited me. Not yet.
“I knew you’d show up.” Astrid was leaning against the railing by the stairs leading down from the theater doors. She’d dyed her hair neon orange, and was wearing all black.
“What’re you doing here?”
“Came to see how you are. Your dad called my dad. He’s worried about you.” Astrid shoved her hands in her pockets. “Did you really steal a car?”
I rolled my eyes. “They bought the car for me, so it’s not actually stealing, is it?”
“You don’t have a license.”
I ignored her and walked toward the parking lot. Astrid jogged to catch up.
“What’s going on with you, Virgil? Why aren’t you in there?”
I stopped by the Jetta. “You know why. And don’t tell me I’ll get over it with time. That’s bullshit, and you know it.”
Astrid pursed her lips. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s bullshit. What are you gonna do about it? Run home to Seattle? Spend the rest of your life sleeping in your closet?”
“Maybe.”
“Well, that’s—” Astrid stopped, took a breath, and said, “Fine. Look, you deal with your trauma however you need to. I’ll support you no matter what.”
“I don’t need support. I need…” I stalled out, unsure what to say.
“What, Virgil?”
I shook my head. “Finn’s having a party tonight, and I think I might go.”
“Why the hell would you do that?”
“To confront Finn, maybe? Or talk to Jarrett. He knows something about what’s happening to me.”
Astrid breathed in, flaring her nostrils. “All right.” She went around to the other side of the car.
“What’re you doing?”
She looked at me like I’d asked why the sun rose in the morning and set in the evening. “Do I think going to Finn’s party is a terrible, terrible idea? Yes. But I did just say I’d support you no matter what.” She motioned at the door. “You gonna let me in?”
I unlocked the doors. When Astrid was buckled in beside me, I glanced at her. “Thanks.”
“No one should have to face their monsters alone, Virgil.”
“What if I’m the monster?”
Astrid shook her head. “You’re not, but if you were, I’d still go with you.”
SIXTY-THREE
THE CROWD GATHERED AT FINN Duckett’s house saturday night was barely half as large as it had been the night of the homecoming dance, and I still felt boxed in, pressed on all sides with no way to escape. But because there were fewer people, I stood out more as I entered through the front door. I could hear them thinking:
What’s he doing here?
#MonsterBait!
Drink! Drink! Drink!
Astrid slipped her arm through mine and led me deeper into the house. Those people didn’t matter. What they thought didn’t matter. Every single one of them felt as alone and scared as I did. They talked about me because so long as they did, they could be assured no one was talking about them. In high school, the best defense was a good offense.
Bass-heavy rap shakes the furniture, and the white boys in the living room shout along with the words—all the words—without the slightest hint of self-awareness.
I spotted Reba in the kitchen and asked Astrid to find Jarrett or Finn or anyone who knew where they were.
“Don’t drink anything you unless you open it yourself,” she said. “Actually, maybe you shouldn’t drink anything at all.”
“I won’t.”
We split up. Reba saw me and peeled away from the group she was talking to. Her hair was big and bouncy, and she looked relaxed in jean shorts and a sleeveless top. “You came.”
The scabby lesions itched. I fought to not scratch them. “I want this to be over.”
Reba’s eyes softened. “You might be asking for too much.”
She was probably right. The best-case scenario was that I found what Finn had drugged me with, turned it over to Chief Duran, and she was maybe able to use it to arrest him. I doubted the charges would stick, but it might convince him to quit while he was ahead. I didn’t want to consider the worst-case scenario.
“Where are they, Reba?”
“Don’t know.” Reba made a show of looking around. “Finn was holding court in the kitchen earlier, but I haven’t seen him in a while. Jarrett went upstairs twenty minutes ago, I think.”
Wanna see something cool?
“What’re you gonna do, Virgil?”
I shrugged. “Whatever I have to.”
Reba grabbed my hand as I turned to leave. “Be careful.”
If Jarrett was upstairs, there was a good chance Finn was with him. Sometimes he gets drunk and we fool around. It doesn’t mean nothing to him.
I climbed the stairs turning and twisting like a Tetris piece to fit around the bodies blocking the way. I stopped on the second-floor landing and turned down the hall. I peeked into each room until I found Finn’s bedroom. I could tell it was his by the one-note musky odor permeating the air.
The light of the moon shining through the window cast shadows across the walls. Finn’s football jersey was flung over the back of a chair, and other clothes lay in piles on the carpet. His bed was unmade. Movement from the side caught my eye, and I turned to find a large terrarium on top of Finn’s dresser. Inside, a brown-striped snake watched me through the glass.
Keeping an eye on the snake, I searched Finn’s drawers, but I didn’t find anything. I dug around Finn’s closet and in his desk. The most interesting object I found was an old dog collar with a tag that had the name MUSTARD etched on it. I was about to give up and leave when I decided to check the pockets of the jeans on the floor. I felt like a weirdo rifling through Finn’s discarded clothes, but the feeling vanished when I turned up a pill bottle. The label said it was lorazepam for Finn Duckett, to be taken every eight to twelve hours as needed.
I used my phone to search for the medication. I learned it was a benzo used to treat anxiety before my battery died.
“What’re you doing in here?” a voice hissed.
I slipped the pill bottle into my pocket before turning around. “Sorry, I was looking for the bathroom, and—”
It was Jarrett. He shuts the door and flings himself at me. “Finn’ll flip out if he finds you going through his room.” Jarrett’s smiling when I catch his eye.
“Did you know?”
Jarrett shook his head, confused. “Know what?”
“That Finn was drugging girls at his parties? That he drugged me?”
“I…” Jarrett’s shoulders collapsed. His chin dipped toward his chest. “You should get outta here.”
“Was it Finn at the show last night? Is Finn the monster that attacked me? Was it him who attacked you, too?”
Tears rimmed Jarrett’s eyes. “Did the boys knock your brains around too hard during flag football, Virgil? Finn will kill you. He’ll kill me.”
I dug in my pocket for the pill bottle and held it up. “I’ve got proof now. I’ll show this to Chief Duran. She should be able to use it to stop Finn.”
“You can’t stop him.” Terror saturated Jarrett’s words.
“What is he?” I moved toward Jarrett. “What am I turning into?”
A buzz from his pocket startled Jarrett. He pulled out his phone. “I can’t. I gotta go.”
“Is it him? Where is he?”
Jarrett had already turned toward the door, but he paused. “He knows it was Reba who told you what he was up to. He’s gonna teach her to keep her mouth shut.”
“Finn’s got Reba?!” I rushed Jarrett, but he knocked me back so hard I stumbled and fell.
“Leave it alone, Virgil. Leave the party, leave Merritt. You don’t belong here.” Jarrett took off and shut the door behind him.
SIXTY-FOUR
I SCRAMBLED TO MY FEET and ran downstairs to search for Reba. I spied Chuck in the living room and tackled him, shoving him against the wall before he could react.
“Where’s Finn? Where’s Reba?”
Chuck tried to break away, but I drew on a well of strength I didn’t know I possessed to keep him pinned. “What the hell are you on?”
I bared my teeth and spoke from my chest. “Tell me where they are or I will break your fucking jaw.”
People gathered around us, the anticipation of a fight drawing them like bugs to a zapper.
“I don’t know! Jesus, Knox!” This time he managed to force me back. Barely.
“Whoa, Virgil.” Astrid pulled me away from Chuck and led me outside where it was quieter. “What’s going on?”
My mind was racing. “It’s Finn. He’s the monster. I found a bottle of lorazepam that he’s been using to drug people, and then Jarrett said Finn knew it was Reba who ratted on him and he needed to teach her a lesson and—”
Astrid remained calm. “Did you call Chief Duran?”
“My phone’s dead.”
“Okay. I’ll do it.” Astrid reached for her phone and swore. “It’s in the car. Stay here. I’ll be right back.” She ducked inside and disappeared.
The bass from the music thumped inside my skull, making it difficult to think. It was Finn the entire time. He was a monster. He was the monster. And it hadn’t been enough to hurt me, he’d kept me close so he could taunt me. He’d gotten off on watching me suffer. And now he had Reba.
A howl from the direction of the sprawl chilled my blood. I took off running without giving it a moment’s thought. I knew where Finn had taken Reba. I was drawn to the clearing where I’d been attacked. It whispered my name. I couldn’t have pointed to its location on a map, but I could smell it. I could’ve closed my eyes and let my feet carry me there. My scars were the map and the poison in my blood a compass.
I slowed when I reached the clearing. “Reba? Finn?”
Only the wind replied.
I cupped my hands to my mouth. “Reba!”
This time I heard a rustling to my left. I spotted a body leaning against a tree, hands and feet bound, head covered. I ran to it and knelt. I yanked off the pillowcase.
“Finn?”
Moonlight filtered through the trees to illuminate Finn’s terror. A gag in his mouth prevented him from screaming, but he tried.
