From the Ashes, page 13
“Brian?” Gramps called.
Brian lifted his head and realized he was sitting in the dark.
His grandfather called again.
“In here,” he said.
A second later he sensed Gramps at the doorway, and the lights went on. The straw through which Brian could see had grown smaller. Had it been that way all day, or was he just now noticing?
“I just came to tell you that Olivia is dishing up supper.”
“I’ll be down in a minute.” He bent to take off his shoes, then felt Gramps sit down on the bench next to him.
“What are you doing, sitting up here in the dark?”
“Lights on or off,” Brian said, “it’s not making a lot of difference anymore.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“It’s been a tough day, Gramps.”
“Some are like that.”
They sat shoulder-to-shoulder a moment longer. The conversation with Angela took hold of Brian’s thoughts again and somehow became all mixed up in his mind with the sermon about Moses once being an ordinary man who was called to do extraordinary things.
“Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong instead of leaving me to fill in gaps for a story I don’t know,” Gramps said.
“That’s a little hard with my thoughts going everywhere all at once.” Brian closed his eyes, then opened them again. A tiny sliver of light was all that remained. “I keep thinking about the sermon yesterday—”
“That’s good.”
“And how we’re called to service.”
“That’s usually how it works. Pay attention and God shows you the way.”
“Do you really believe that?” Brian asked.
“I do.” Gramps’s voice became gravelly then, as he laid a hand on Brian’s knee. “It’s how I had the privilege of raising you.”
Brian’s eyes unexpectedly, inexplicably burned. “When I was a boy, I was scared of you.”
“I know.”
“Angela told me today that she’d been in prison.”
“Was she, now?”
“For drug-related charges.”
“I see.” Gramps cleared his throat. “Guess that had you thinking of your mother some and the mess she made of things.”
“Yep.”
“Angela, she’s nothing like that.”
“I’d like to be sure.”
“Ah, my boy. You know better than that. Only three things you can be sure of in this life. Death. Taxes.”
When he didn’t say anything for a moment longer, Brian asked, “And?”
“God’s love.” Gramps sighed. “Now that I look back on it, I know I didn’t tell you often enough. Your grandmother and I love you. We’re proud of you, you know.”
Brian swallowed the enormous lump in his throat. He did know. And somehow, Gramps had figured out that he needed reassurance. For it to come on this day, when he felt under attack from all corners, meant everything.
“I know that, Gramps.”
Gramps patted his knee. “Come on down for dinner before it gets cold.”
“I’ll be along in a minute,” Brian promised as his grandfather ambled out of the room.
One of the things Angela had said earlier echoed through Brian now, and he had a flash of clarity that it was as true for him as it had been for her. There’s nothing quite like being alone with your own morbid thoughts to bring you face-to-face with your Creator. In this moment, he finally understood the source of her calm since she’d also told him that she knew God’s will could be only for good. If God loved him and if God’s will was only for good, then somehow, there had to be a way out of the morass.
The first step was admitting that he’d judged her. He’d sat there like the hypocrite that he was, pretending to be superior and ignoring that his abuse of anabolic steroids was just as damning as anything she’d done.
The rest of what she’d said tumbled through his mind, and he realized she’d had a single focus—concern for him, about the fallout her situation had on him, and his work. Not once had she mentioned wanting to make sure she came out of this thing okay. As he thought it through, he realized his own tarnished past cast a shadow over her and the good that Guardian Paws did. How could he have been so smug, so sure that he stood on higher ground?
Oh, God. The thought was one of despair, but it was also the beginning of a prayer. “Help me see the next steps,” he whispered. “Help me do what’s right for Angela.”
By the following morning, Brian had decided prayer was a bit like getting his head into a game before it started. The process was one of emptying his mind and opening it to the outcomes he intended, but this time trusting in God’s will rather than his own. It was at once frightening and exhilarating. He couldn’t have described the experience if his life had depended upon it, nor could he put his finger on exactly what had happened to him during the night, but he was sure of two things: God loved him, and as long he remained in that knowledge, he’d be okay.
He also knew what he had to do to disarm Brogg and the speculation in the media. Come clean with it all. His sight loss and his abuse of anabolic steroids.
Then, maybe, just maybe, he could protect Angela as completely as she seemed determined to protect him.
THIRTEEN
Two weeks before Christmas, Angela came out of the local animal shelter, discouraged. None of the dogs she’d looked at today had exhibited either the personality profile or obedience aptitude she was looking for. Lots of nice dogs that needed homes and would make great pets. Just none that suited her purposes.
Mentally crossing this shelter off her list, and thinking about the others she intended to visit in the two weeks remaining before Christmas, she headed across the parking lot. Maisey had accused her of running so she wouldn’t risk bumping into Brian, and though Angela had denied it, she knew it was true. Everything reminded her of the man. Walking the familiar neighborhood in Brighton where she’d done the majority of Jasper’s training. Driving around Denver and remembering all the different places she’d been with Brian.
Getting her keys out of her pocket, she looked up and found Tommy leaning against her car as though he had all day and as though the weather wasn’t cold and gray enough to be spitting intermittent snow.
“You keep turning up like a bad penny,” she said to him. “Go away.”
The face she’d once thought handsome eased into a charming smile. “Is that any way to talk to a friend?”
“I’m not getting sucked into that conversation again, Tommy.” She stopped five feet away from him. “And after that stunt you pulled with Brian, any sliver of sympathy I had for you is gone.”
The smile faded and he tipped his head to one side, then sighed. “I’ve screwed this up.”
“You’ve got one thing right, at least.”
“And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come on to you so strong about the money, but how was I to know that you’d gotten religion?”
“Wrong is wrong,” she said. “My faith or lack of it has nothing to do with it.”
He held out a beseeching glove-covered hand. “It’s got everything to do with it, and you know it. I came here all those weeks ago thinking we were still friends—”
“We stopped being friends a long time ago.” She took a steadying breath. “Tommy, just go.”
At the same time he was saying, “You know Simon Graden would have had me killed if I hadn’t testified against you.”
“Well, he’s dead now, and you’re still messing around with all the same old stupid, illegal stuff.” She made a shooing motion with her hand. “Same verse, same song. Go away, or I’m headed back inside to call the cops.”
He scowled. “You owe me a favor, at least. Put in a good word with one of those rich friends of yours.”
“No.”
“I know about the company you’re keeping these days, and I’m not just talking about your new boyfriend. I’m talking about those other people you know, like the ones you were hanging out with at that fancy party a couple of weeks ago.”
“No.” Her temper began to slip. “What part of no don’t you understand?”
He moved away from her car. “Don’t say I didn’t give you an opportunity to be cooperative.”
Without answering, she unlocked her car, started the engine and drove away without giving Tommy a backward glance. At the first traffic light, she took a steadying breath. She hadn’t lost her temper, and she’d kept her vow to not engage in another circular discussion with him.
When she arrived home that evening a little past sundown, she realized that Christmas had arrived on her street when she hadn’t paid attention. The older couple at the end of the block had tasteful white lights outlining the clean lines of their house. The family next door to Angela had the latest in huge blow-up figures, including a snowman whose top hat was taller than the eave of the house. Strings of blinking lights covered a spruce tree across the street. And she loved it all—the tacky and the tasteful—because it was a celebration of Christmas.
Still, when she opened the door to her home, she faced just how empty it—and her personal life—was. Not even a cat to welcome her home. She’d been so busy training dogs, she hadn’t taken time to find one for herself.
Maybe if she had a dog, she wouldn’t miss Brian quite as much. Being everywhere in the city now reminded her of him.
Her pep talk that she’d done the right thing echoed in her quiet home. As she went through her evening chores, everything failed to keep her attention. She finished decorating the small tree that she had put in front of the living room window. The task, though one she liked, served only to remind her that she was alone, much as she had always been. Usually she didn’t mind it, but lately she found herself envying the companionship she’d witnessed with Rachel and Brian’s families.
And there it was again. She just couldn’t rid herself of the memory of the man she’d come to love. She missed his steadying presence.
She’d had a taste of what it was like to be with a man who was attentive and considerate. And she wanted more of that. A lot more, even though she’d done her best to slam the door between them.
Knowing she’d done the right thing didn’t make it easier. Reverend Chester had always encouraged her to trust her faith and open her heart. Trusting her faith was easy, but opening her heart felt too much like following her heart’s desire. And the truth was, she no longer trusted her heart to discern right from wrong. Logic told her she’d made the right decision to put some distance between herself and Brian. Her heart longed for his companionship with an intensity that felt too much like the cravings of addiction. And that proved to her she couldn’t trust that feeling.
The daily updates with Maisey were a poor substitute for Brian’s company, and she admitted she had the blues in a big way even though Jasper had passed the first battery of tests required for his certification. Next week, he’d have the final set, and just as promised, he’d be with Brian before Christmas.
When the ten o’clock news came on, she headed to the bedroom to change into her night clothes, her mind occupied with the two animal shelters she planned to visit the following day. Her focus changed, though, when she heard the announcer mention Brian’s name.
Returning to the living room, she sank onto the couch and turned up the volume. The news anchor was saying, “A former Patriots quarterback is going blind. In a news conference this afternoon, Brian Ramsey put an end to the speculation that had surrounded his retirement last year. With his manager and his attorney at his side, he had this to say.”
The imaged shifted to Brian. He looked wonderful to Angela, but tired, as well, as though the last few days had weighed as heavily on him as they had on her. His piercing eyes were on the camera. “My sight loss wouldn’t be news except for two reasons. First, I had the privilege of playing football for most of my life, and I had the good fortune to do that professionally. Second—” he paused and took a breath before continuing “—as you know, rumors about my use of anabolic steroids have followed me for years. Unfortunately, they are true, which gets to the real point today. A combination of genetics, the injuries inherent to a contact sport like football and my use of an illegal substance all combined to leave me in the condition I am in today. I’m blind. And it was preventable.” He paused again. “The other reason I chose to come forward with this today is to address the rumors that have circulated lately about the Beanstalk Gang and the work we do. We have a zero tolerance policy regarding illegal drugs. I formed this organization because I wanted kids to have access to the kinds of programs I did when I was a kid. As you know, most schools don’t have the budgets for after-school programs like they used to. We fill that gap, and we want to continue to provide an environment where young people can participate in the things that interest them, whether it’s sports or some other activity.”
The picture on the television came back to the news anchor, who was asking a reporter what she made of the announcement. She expressed her opinion that no criminal investigation was likely since the abuse had happened years before. She expressed her belief that Brian seemed sincere and that the materials provided by his attorney after the news conference confirmed the medical diagnosis and the revelation that he’d soon be working with a guide dog named Jasper.
As the news moved on to other stories, Angela stared unfeelingly at the screen, proud of him and aching to call him. As she thought about his announcement more, she realized that his intent had been to defuse the accusations Andrew Brogg had made. She wished she believed it could work.
Unfortunately, she knew from experience that when a reporter like Andrew was out to make a name for himself, he would be as tenacious as a bulldog after a bone. He wouldn’t stop until he found his story. That made her afraid for herself and for Brian.
When there was a knock at her door the following morning, Brian was dead last on her list of people she expected to find on her stoop. But there he was, the collar of his down jacket turned up against the near zero temperature outside.
“Brian, what are you doing here?”
“I brought coffee,” he said, holding a cardboard tray in front of him.
She looked beyond him and saw Sam sitting in the driver’s seat of his car.
“Are you going to ask me in or simply stand here, letting all the heat out of your house?” Brian asked.
Smiling, she stood to the side, and when he didn’t move, realized he hadn’t seen that. “Come on in. Don’t forget there’s a step up.” She waved to Sam, motioning him to come in, too, since it was cold outside. “You’re out bright and early,” she said, waiting at the door for Sam to come inside.
Sam grinned at her when he came through the door, carrying his own cup of coffee. “Great to see you,” he said, casually touching her arm. He waggled his eyebrows in Brian’s direction. “We’ve missed you.”
Brian stood a couple of steps inside the room, the tray of coffee still in his hands. The smile on his face had turned from cheerful to determined.
“The coffee table is two steps in front of you,” she told him.
He nodded, took the steps, and gingerly set down the coffee, then made his way to the sofa. His sight was gone, she realized. And her heart ached with the knowledge. They’d known this day was coming, and they had planned for it. Still, as she imagined the loss, she could sense how frustrated and scared he might be. Sensitive about it, too, since she didn’t see the white cane.
“Jasper takes his final test at the end of the week,” she said. “And Maisey tells me you’re doing great.”
“We are, and I can’t wait until I get to take him home,” Brian said. “But today, I’m here for you.”
She didn’t dare latch on to that—her dozens of reasons for wanting his company could only end in heartbreak.
Sitting down next to him, she picked up one of the coffees, and, seeing that it had cream in it, knew that it was the one intended for her. “Here you go,” she said, handing him the other one. “How long has your sight been gone?”
The smile became more relaxed. “Leave it to you to cut to the chase.” He brought the paper cup to his lips, finding the opening on the lid with a finger, and taking a sip. “It happened over the weekend. All that’s left is a sliver of light. You know, like one of those late-afternoon streamers between a couple of slats in the blinds.”
“Yes.”
“It’s irritating, to tell you the truth. I keep wanting to peek beyond the blind, and I can’t.”
Sam gave her a sympathetic look and took a seat on the rocker across the small room.
“Why are you here, Brian?” she repeated.
“I heard you were going dog hunting today, and I thought you might like some company.”
Despite her resolve to stay away from him, her heart gave a little leap. Still…“I don’t think that’s a very good idea.”
His smile faded and his sightless gaze turned inward. “That thing you said the other day about not wanting to see me agai—”
“I meant it, Brian. It’s for the best.”
“The best for you? Because I can sure tell you that it’s not the best for me.”
She felt her resolve wavering as her gaze slid to Sam. “You’re coming, too?”
He shook his head while Brian said, “Sam’s in college, you know. We’re going to drop him by the library where he said he’d spend the day studying.”
“Tired of riding in my car, huh?”
Brian grinned. “Well, if the only way I can talk you into putting up with my company is by folding myself up like an accordion into your little car, it’s almost worth it.”
She knew that if she let herself get talked into this, there’d be no room in her car for a new dog. The kennel took up the whole backseat and required that she bring the front seats as far forward as they would go. That made for a tight fit for herself, and it would be much worse for someone as tall as Brian.
As if reading her thoughts, he grinned and added, “Admit it. There’s not room for me and a dog kennel in your car. And Maisey told me you always make new dogs ride in the kennel.”
