You Need Me, page 11
Jess had been raging at the woman’s ignorance, and had to bite her tongue to stop herself giving Annie a mouthful back. The daggers she had thrown in the direction of the older woman left Annie in no doubt as to what her true feelings were.
“Costs nothing to be kind Annie,” Jess had snapped at the woman’s retreating back, as she had marched out the café muttering about ‘locking up the nutters and throwing away the key.’
And now her head was all over the place, she couldn’t focus on what she was meant to be doing. Orders had been muddled up and she had dropped more than she had sold as her fingers had seemed to turn to butter. The final straw had been when she spilled a full cup of coffee over her favourite bag. It was only a cheap one she had picked up in a charity shop a few years back, but the bright patchwork colours had caught her eye and it had been with her ever since. She had cursed, ripped off her apron and told Marion she was done for the day. Ignoring her boss’s protests that she still had an hour of her shift left, Jess grabbed her stuff and walked out, desperate to feel some fresh air on her face.
Ronnie had shuffled out the café after her like a lost puppy.
“I’m going over to the library. You can come if you want?” Her irritation had swayed to pity. None of this was his fault. He had just been caught up in the crossfire.
“No, it’s Wednesday. I don’t like going on a Wednesday. Morag’s not there.”
“What is it about that bloody woman? Why does everyone follow her around? She’s like the bloody Pied Piper.” Jess snapped, her pity for Ronnie quickly evaporating again.
Ronnie’s face fell. “She’s kind, Jess. Honestly, she is. She treats us like family, she looks out for us.”
Jess shrugged her shoulders, mimicking him. “She looks out for us.” She snorted. “Aye right, Ronnie, whatever. Believe that if you want. That bitch doesn’t deserve family. She’s a manipulative old cow. But hey, if you think she’s ‘family’ then good luck to you. She wouldn’t be the family I’d choose for myself.”
Jess turned her back on him and marched off, her shoulders rigid with rage. It’s not fair, she thought. Bloody family. Morag wouldn’t know what family meant if it hit her between the eyes.
Oh mum, I miss you so much. Jess felt as though she was losing it, her emotions were all over the place and not for the first time, she began to doubt herself. Maybe she should just pack up and leave. Start all over again? Hot tears stung her eyes, as she remembered how the family she had known and loved had been torn apart. No, she thought, no way was she giving up now. She owed her mum that much.
She stopped at the park gates and turned around, watching Ronnie shuffle away, shoulders slumped but his head darting all over the place. His weakness shone out like a beacon, it was no wonder Morag had found it so easy to manipulate him.
Jess had been watching Morag for months, the woman was like a vulture, circling around the weak and the vulnerable before swooping in for the kill. She couldn’t fathom why no one else could see this. Maybe they did and they just didn’t care. People like Ronnie were invisible, their lives didn’t matter. Anyone with half a brain can see she doesn’t want to be on her own, thought Jess. And that lot are the only ones who will give her the time of day.
Rather than making her feel better, her thoughts made her question her own value more. What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t she want me around? Why does everyone leave me?
Feeling herself sink into a bout of self-pity, Jess took a deep breath and swallowed hard.
No tears Jess, just put on your big girl pants and get on with it. She pulled her shoulders backed and lifted her face towards the sky and mouthed the words ‘for you mum’.
She crossed the park and ran up the steps to the library. Opening the doors, a blast of warm air met her—a welcome relief from the biting cold outside. She stepped inside, pleased to see the familiar face of the young girl on the desk who had been there on her first visit. As she approached the desk she spotted Morag leaving. She looked around and saw Susan and her kid sitting doing some crafts, the kid waving to Morag with a huge smile on her face.
Jesus, even the kid gets the special treatment. Jess barely hid her sneer, before turning her back on them before they spotted her, she wasn’t in the mood to pretend she was pleased to see them.
“Hi… Lynn, isn’t it?” she said, peering at the girl’s name badge, which read Lynn MacDonald, Senior Library Assistant.
Lynn lifted her eyes. “Oh hi. You were in the other night weren’t you?” The smile on her face had widened as she recognised Jess.
“Yeah, back again. Like everyone else in here, I guess,” she laughed. She nodded over to Morag who was making her way out the front door. “Looks like your staff can’t even keep away from the place on their days off.”
Lynn Followed Jess’s gaze and her lip curled, “Oh her, she’s never away from the place. Mind you, she’s nothing else going on in her life, has she? She just hangs about here all the time… with the weirdos.” She slapped her hand across her mouth, “God, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”
“Hey, no worries, I know what you mean though. There’s plenty of them around here.” The words Jess really wanted to say remained firmly behind her lips. Inside she cursed the silly bitch for her crass use of language to describe people. Jess knew she might not have the same education as some people but at least she knew how to treat people with a bit of dignity and respect. Her face hid her true feelings as she applied her fake smile and carried on the conversation. Apart from Susan and the kid, the library was nearly empty and she sensed Lynn was the type who liked to gossip.
“So, she not got any family of her own then?”
“Nah, she lived with her mum until she died. Mind you, she only turned up a few years ago, to care for her mum. Nobody knows where she had been up until then. My gran said she used to live here, as a kid. Her mum and dad were weirdos too, right religious nuts. At church every day. Then her dad upped and left one day and never came back, apparently. Weird if you ask me. They were the talk of the town after that, according to my gran, them being so churchy and all that.”
“So how come she moved away?”
“Nobody knows. She disappeared one day, same as her dad, only she came running back with her tail between her legs. My mum reckons something must have happened wherever she had been. She came back even stranger than before. Like she had some sort of dark secret.”
“Ha-ha, did you not ask her? I would have, if I worked with her,” Jess retorted.
Lynn was settling into her story. Jess could tell she was happy for someone to gossip with—in a dump like this, folk had to make their own entertainment.
“Well, I’ve not been here as long as she has, obviously, but the other staff in here said they tried at the beginning—tried to invite her out on nights out, include her in things, but she was having none of it. She kept saying she had to go home and see to her mother and clammed up when anyone asked her where she had been living before. She was really weird, too. Apparently she used to bring presents in for the other staff, but not in a nice way. In a creepy way… like she had been stalking them or something, cause it was always stuff they really liked but nobody else would have known about. They kind of stopped talking to her after that… so no one really knows if she had been married, shacked up with someone or whatever… hey, maybe she had been married and killed him off,” she snorted.
“Yeah, maybe. People are strange. You never know what goes on behind closed doors, I guess.” Jess winked.
Lynn pulled herself forward, elbows on the desk, checking nobody was listening. She was clearly settling down for the long haul. Jess stifled a yawn and changed direction of the conversation to cut her off.
“Can I book a slot on the computers? My internet’s slow back at the flat and I’ve got some stuff to do?”
Jess smirked as Lynn’s face dropped, but fair play to the girl, she quickly adopted a bright smile. “Course you can, you can have as long as you want. It’s normally an hour max, but there’s nobody about today looking to use them, so fill your boots,” she handed Jess an access code.
Jess turned to walk away when Lynn called her back, “You’re pretty new around here, aren’t you?”
“Yeah?”
“Well if you’re ever stuck for a night out give me a shout. Some of us go down the local, The Toby Jug, at the weekends and you’re welcome to come along if you want? Nothing worse than living in a new place and being Billy-no-mates is there?”
Jess smiled. “Thanks. I might just take you up on that once I get paid, cheers.”
She walked away smiling, building this little network of ‘friends’ was turning out to be useful indeed, but she had to be cautious—she didn’t want to get too close to anyone and risk them prying too closely into her life.
20
Morag
Morag left Susan and Lily in the library, her mood lighter than it had been for a long time. At last, a family. A real family, all for her. She shivered with excitement as she imagined them being with her happily ever after. The perfect fairy-tale ending.
With her mood lifted Morag decided she would take a trip out to the retail park. She usually avoided the place, full of families and smiling faces it just served as a bitter reminder of her own loneliness. But now she had something to look forward to. She had a family to shop for. She made her way to the bus stop with a smile on her face.
As she waited for the No.88 to arrive, Morag ran through a list of everything she would need for her guests—no, family. The smile on her face grew wider as she hummed tunelessly to herself, her plans running a marathon inside her head. She was oblivious to the stares of the others waiting in the queue.
The bus arrived and Morag settled herself down for the half-hour journey. Taking her phone out her bag, she gave a surreptitious glance at the other passengers. Satisfied none of them were paying her any attention Morag, pulled up her Facebook page, and scrolled quickly through the posts. Her lips puckered as she flicked through the lives of those she followed and she tasted the bitterness at the faces smiled back up at her. Perfect lives. Perfect families. Then, the corners of her mouth turned up as she remembered, she would soon have her own family around her. Morag stifled a snigger as she imagined the look on her colleagues faces if they could see her now. They all thought she lived in the dark ages. Oh, she’d heard their pointed remarks at how long it took her to do things on the computer, and their pointed stares when she took out her old brick of a mobile. If only they knew just how much she knew. If only they knew she could see their ugly truths hiding behind the lies they told online. She heard them in work bitching about their kids, their husbands, their parents. Nobody ever bothered with her—they all just wrote her off as an old has-been, nobody worth bothering about. None of them would ever have believed she would be capable of creating a whole new online persona to watch them with, reinventing herself was nothing new for Morag.
The ping of an incoming text message interrupted her internal rant. She opened it up and frowned. Quickly, she stabbed out a reply. “You will get what you’re owed when the job’s done. I need you to deliver a message tomorrow.”
The phone beeped almost immediately in response. “I’m out of pocket now. I need paying.”
Morag replied: “I’ve told you. You’ll get your money. I’ll sort it. Will message you tomorrow.” She stuffed her phone back in her bag, a dark shadow cast over her happiness. She was completely unaware of the stares and whispers from her fellow passengers and completely oblivious that her dark mutterings were not as quiet as she had thought they were. she
The bus slowed as it neared the retail park and she followed the rest of the passengers off, careful to keep her head down and make no contact with them. She didn’t need anyone else now—her family was coming home to her.
Morag lost herself for the afternoon mooching around the shops. She embraced the busyness of the place, soaked up the sounds of families and people as she wandered through the aisles. She sighed as she stroked the soft fabrics of clothes she would never have the confidence to wear. Clothes that would make her stand out, make people sit up and take notice. Plain Jane, who do you think you are, mutton dressed as lamb, that’s what you would be, the angry words hissed in her ears.
Morag tried to ignore her mother’s criticism, she hummed as she tried outfit after outfit against herself, preening in front of the mirror. In her mind, she pictured herself Susan and Lily shopping together, picking out clothes, trying them on, having lunch, doing things families do together. Susan faded from the picture leaving only Morag and Lily. I would take care of her, Morag thought. I know what she needs. She needs me. A proper family—that’s what she needs.
Sensing someone watching her, she glanced up and caught a young shop assistant trying hard not to laugh. Morag looked in the mirror and bit back angry tears as she saw what the girl could see. A middle aged woman making a full of herself. Red-faced, she rushed out the shop leaving the clothes on the floor in a heap. Stupid girl, whispered her mother. Nobody would look twice at you. Not even if you ran down the main street in your underwear.
“Bitch,” muttered Morag, her nails digging into the palm of her hands. Her mother’s endless criticisms followed her everywhere. A woman walking by pulled her child closer to her as Morag muttered, “I wish you would just fuck off and leave me alone.”
Morag marched into the Pound Savers store to buy the cleaning products she had originally come for. Thanks to her inheritance, Morag didn’t need to scrimp and save when it came to shopping but her mother’s miserable ways had rubbed off on her and even now she was reluctant to overspend.
Walking round the aisles, she began picking up a few bits and pieces in anticipation of Susan and Lily coming around the next day. She felt her breathing return to normal and a sense of calm returned. She smiled to herself as she popped some cleaning products into her trolley. She almost walked past the toy aisle before stopping herself. It wouldn’t do any harm to pick up a few wee bits and bobs for Lily, just a few things to keep her amused while Susan cleaned and maybe…
“Oh stop it, Morag,” she chided herself. “Don’t be going too fast, or you will be scaring them away.” Just like you always do, her mother’s voice mocked her, as she picked up some colouring-in books, crayons and an arts and craft set. Her hand hovered over a small rag doll, its big blue eyes and goofy smile made her heart lurch. She hesitated, worried she may be going a bit over the top with the gifts, but the doll called out to her. She reached back and stroked it lovingly, completely unaware of the wide berth other shoppers were now giving her. Her eyes misted over as she imagined Lily's wee face at seeing the doll, a wide accepting smile, the small hand reaching out…
Then look what happened, you stupid bitch, and Morag let the doll dropped back down onto the shelf, abandoned, unwanted, and alone.
Morag’s chest tightened, she gasped for breath and tears pricked at her eyes. She had to get out of here, fast. She pushed her trolley to the checkout, throwing her purchases at the cashier, blanking all his obvious attempts at making small talk.
Outside Morag leant against the wall, shopping bags grasped tightly in her hand. The colour drained from her face, and her chest constricted as the memories flooded back. People backed away as she gulped in breaths of fresh air trying to compose herself. “It’s done now, Morag, It’s all in the past. It’s done,” she repeated, trying hard to convince herself.
A security guard approached her, a wary look on his face. “Are you alright, Missus? You’re a wee bit pale?”
She nodded, “I’m fine, honestly. I’m okay, just a bit of a flush, my age you know…”
His face reddened and Morag almost pitied him.
He mumbled something that sounded like, “Okay… well… if you’re sure then…” as he backed away from her, clearly mortified at the idea of dealing with a menopausal middle-aged woman in the midst of a meltdown.
“Thank you, though. Thank you for caring,” she smiled back at him.
An hour later, and Morag was glad to have arrived home. Kicking the door closed behind her she made her way through to the kitchen, and dropped the shopping bags on the floor. She rubbed at the red welts on her fingers where the handles had been digging into her hands. Definitely bought more than I meant to, she chuckled to herself, ignoring the anxiety the spending spree had caused her
She pulled open the top drawer, taking her phone out her bag to hide it away. The NHS logo stared back up at her accusingly. Her fingers hovered over the paper before pushing it to the back of the drawer. Morag bit her lip. She had a morbid fear of being taken in to hospital and never getting out alive. But she would have to bite the bullet. She had to know, especially now she was about to have her family with her. she pushed the phone to the back of the drawer obscuring the letter.
“Tomorrow,” she whispered.
Morag moved through to the lounge, her eyes swept the room and for the first time imagined it through the eyes of a stranger. It was awful. What would Susan think when she came round?
“God, I’ve really let this place go,” she muttered.
Nobody had come to visit since her mother had passed away and even before that, they’d had few visitors other than district nurses and the minister coming to tend to mother. The sofa and chairs were littered with old newspapers, dust danced off the furniture and the windows were so filthy it was impossible to tell if it was day or night outside. Mouldy cups and plates covered the coffee table and stale air hovered over the chaos.
Everything was past its best, all worn and shabby. Like her, she thought, it had been worn and used since she was a child. “I’m not wasting my money on any of that modern tat,” mother had spat at Morag when she had dared to suggest updating some of the furniture after she’d moved back home.
