Where My Secret Hides: An MM Sports Romance (The Tynerston Collection: Warriors Book 1), page 5
Chapter 4
Donovan
As I walk to the party, Stephen’s words are running through my mind. ‘He’s not the type of guy I’d want to hang out with’. He’d seemed fine with me when I came out to him, but maybe he does have an issue with the fact that I’m gay. It would explain why he’s barely been around this last week and hasn’t spoken more than a few sentences to me. The type of guy I’d want to hang out with… right, a gay guy. Stupid homophobic jock. Why did I have to get put in a room with him when there are so many other people on campus that I could have been put with.
I’m just grateful I’ve met Kate and her friends, especially Kyle. He seems cool, and he’s hot, and he invited me to this party, so maybe he likes me? I smile at the thought and pick up my pace; I’m on the right street because I can already hear the music blaring. People are milling around the front porch and some of them greet me as I arrive, even though I don’t know them.
“Keg’s inside,” one guy says, slapping me on the shoulder and guiding me through the door.
I don’t see anyone I recognize as I look around, trying to find Kyle, but already this feels very different to parties back at Tynerston. There are a couple of guys making out in the corner, straight couples too, but everyone here seems really open. I think I spot Kyle in another room, but before I can join them my phone vibrates, my brother’s calling.
I’ve been messaging some people back home and we’re all sure there’s something going on between him and Beth after what happened at my leaving party. Apparently he’s also pressed pause on his usual pattern of fucking a different girl every night.
I answer the phone but know it will be too loud for them to hear me.
“Give me a moment, D, just heading outside where it’s quiet.”
Making my way through the house, I find the doors to the garden, there are a few people outside but no music so it’s much quieter.
“Hey, D, what’s up?”
“Hey, little bro,” Diablo chuckles, “we’re just hanging out, you’ve got the guys, Ana, and Imogen, on speaker.”
There’s a chorus of greetings through the phone before I can reply. “Hey everyone! I would say I’m missing you, but as you can probably hear, I’m having a blast.”
“Sounds like it,” Diablo says, “as long as you’re using that brain of yours for work too.”
“Yeah,” one of the bikers, Pretty Boy, laughs, “not just to impress college chicks at parties!”
“Come on, you know me,” I say, “I’m working too, I promise. Hey, is Beth there?”
“No, why?” Diablo asks.
I sigh, worried about her. “I made her promise that she’d go to the clubhouse when she was invited, I don’t want her being by herself at home all weekend. I thought you invited her, Ana?”
“Yeah, I did,” Ana says, “I told you I messaged her earlier.”
“Did she give you a reason why she couldn’t come?” I ask.
“Um…” Ana says, her voice nervous, “yeah, she said something about needing to get laid and going to the bar instead.”
“Hey Donovan, which bar does she go to?” Pretty Boy asks. “If that’s the type of girl you can pick up there maybe we should go!”
There’s laughter down the phone, from everyone but my brother.
“Fuck you,” I chuckle. This is typical of Beth, trying to distract herself from whatever might be going on with my brother, but I’ve got an idea of what might help them along… “Seriously though, I hate the thought of her going out, especially when I’m not in town, usually she knows she can phone me if there’s any issues. Maybe one of you should check in with her, she’ll be at Platinum.”
“I’ll go,” Diablo says, “I haven’t drunk anything yet. Catch up soon, Donovan.”
The line goes dead; I knew he’d fall for it. Even though the rest of us are sure something happened between them, they’re both too stubborn to admit it, or Diablo genuinely believes Beth and I are a couple… if only he knew the truth.
Anyway, I don’t need to be thinking about them, I need to focus on myself. I make my way back into the house, grabbing a beer from the kitchen as I go, searching the rooms for Kyle and finally spotting him on some sofas with Tracy, Martin, and Pierce.
“Uh, hi,” I say, trying to make my approach more confident than I’m feeling.
“Donovan,” Kyle says, grinning up at me. “You made it!”
“Yeah, I got here a bit earlier, but my brother called so I wanted to deal with that.”
Kyle moves closer to the middle of the sofa, making space for me next to him, but not enough to stop our thighs from pressing together. His warmth spreads through me, making me blush at the thought of being so close to him. We talk and people watch for a while, as they fill me in on some gossip from the guys who are in this frat, apparently Kyle is one of them.
“So, what’s it like being in a fraternity?” I ask.
“It’s cool,” he says, “we get to do shit like this whenever we want, and we get our own space. Speaking of, do you wanna see my room?”
Shit. He’s asking me to his room, alone, just us…
“Yeah, okay,” I say nervously.
I don’t know what’s about to happen, but as he stands and offers me his hand, I take it. This is the first time I’ve ever held hands with a guy, and I glance around nervously, wondering if anyone is noticing, and if they’ll say anything. But nobody does, the world doesn’t end because I’m holding another guy’s hand.
I follow him upstairs, weaving our way around the people that line the halls until we reach his room. He uses a key around his neck to unlock the door and leads me in, turning the lights on low and locking it behind me.
His room seems cool, with band posters on the wall, a double bed in the middle and a desk for studying. It’s about the size of my dorm room, but this is all for one person.
“It’s nice,” I say, as I turn to face him.
“Yeah, I like it,” he says, taking some steps towards me and getting as close as he can without touching me. “You know what else I like?”
“Um… no…” I murmur.
“You.”
He smiles, but it’s different from his friendly smile, it’s sexier, darker. His words start to sink in, he likes me… Holy fuck, this hot guy likes me; what the fuck do I do?
“You… you like me?” I ask.
“Mm-hmm,” he says, leaning even closer.
His breath tickles my face, holy shit, am I about to have my first kiss with a man?
“This okay?” he asks.
His lips brush mine; he smells like beer mixed with a spirit, but I’ve been drinking too so I don’t think I mind. He pulls away and smiles before ducking back in, using a bit more pressure this time and running his tongue over my lips. His hands move to my waist and pull me against him. Oh my god, I’m having my first kiss with a guy…
“Are you ready?” he asks, pausing briefly before running kisses along my jaw.
My brain starts to run at a million miles per hour.
“Uh… ready?” I ask.
He moves his kisses down to my throat. “You know, have you prepped?”
“P-prepped?” I ask, feeling like an idiot.
“Shit, Donovan,” he huffs, “are you gonna make me spell it out for you? Have you douched?”
My chest starts to feel tight, and there’s not enough air in the room. I’ve heard of douching, but I wasn’t expecting this…
“Uh… I don’t… uh—”
“For fuck’s sake, have you ever even been fucked by a guy before?” He pulls away, looking almost angry.
“No,” I say nervously, wondering what I’ve done to make him so mad. One minute we were talking, then kissing, but now…
He lets out a frustrated sigh. “Fine,” he says, looking almost bored, “you wanna just suck my dick then?”
I’ve barely had my first kiss and he’s asking me to suck his dick, I don’t even know him. My eyes start to water, this isn’t how I imagined it would be, I have no idea how to do this. All I can think is that I need to get out of here, I feel so fucking stupid…
“I should probably go actually,” I whisper, “it’s getting late.”
He scoffs, “Whatever, I thought you were cute but I’m not holding your hand through this.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, unlocking the door and escaping the house as quickly as I can.
Stephen
I’m trying to wrap my head around this business module when our door crashes open and Donovan runs in, locking it behind him. It’s clear he’s been crying, but he quickly looks away from me and heads to his side of the room. Shit, fucking Kyle. I close my books and move towards him.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” I ask.
“Nothing,” he says, clearing his bed of books and clothes, scattered from where he must have been trying on different options before leaving.
“Hey,” I get closer and place a hand on his shoulder. “Donovan, please, look at me.”
He slowly faces me, his eyes red and filling with fresh tears. Without hesitating, I pull him into a hug, trying not to notice how perfectly he fits in my arms. Now is not the time, he’s upset and needs a friend, even if he does smell incredible.
It takes him a moment, but he gives in to the hug, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his head on my chest. His body shakes slightly as he cries and my heart hurts to see him like this. Even though I don’t know for certain, I’m sure it’s Kyle that’s done this; and it’s taking everything in me to stay calm and dampen down the rage I’m feeling towards him for making Donovan feel this way.
His hair is soft between my fingers as I gently stroke it, trying to soothe him. “It’s going to be okay,” I whisper into the top of his head, knowing that I’m going to do whatever I can to help him. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“No,” he says, his response muffled as his face is pressed into my chest.
“It might help to talk about it.”
“I can’t,” he says, “I’m too mortified.”
Mortified? What the fuck did Kyle do?
“Was it Kyle?” I ask.
He leans back and looks at me, his eyes red and puffy. I lead him over to my empty bed, and sit him on the edge, before grabbing two waters from our fridge and joining him.
“How did you know?” he asks, his voice small and unsure.
“I didn’t for sure, but he’s hurt friends of mine in the past. I wanted to warn you, but it was a long time ago, and I didn’t want to meddle, I barely know you, and I figured there was a chance he might have changed. I didn’t want to spoil something potentially good for you.”
“You didn’t have to worry,” he scoffs, “I spoiled it for myself.”
Well now I’m confused…
“My friends caught him with other people,” I say, “after he’d invited them to a party and expressed interest in them. Is that what happened tonight?”
“No, there was no one else, just me, and I fucked it up.”
“I don’t understand what you mean,” I say, “how did you fuck up?”
“Because I don’t know what I’m doing!” He throws his hands in the air in exasperation. “I’ve never been with a guy; I don’t know what to do. We were alone in his room, and one minute he’s telling me he likes me, and he kisses me, then he wanted to do stuff, but I didn’t understand what he meant. He got frustrated and told me he wasn’t about to hold my hand through it.”
I force myself to count to ten… fucking Kyle.
“Just so I have this right,” I say, trying desperately to keep my voice calm. “He got you alone in his room, made a move on you and asked you for sex, found out you’ve never been with anyone, got frustrated and then said he wasn’t going to hold your hand through it?”
“Yeah,” he says, “can you blame him? What guy is gonna want to have sex with someone who has no fucking clue how.”
“Donovan,” I sigh, wanting to pull him into a hug again, or onto my lap, but I don’t, reminding myself he needs a friend right now. “Kyle is an asshole. He sleeps around, like, a lot. And I’m not shaming him for that, each to their own; but just because he’s more experienced than you, it doesn’t mean he has the right to make you feel that way.”
“Well I agreed to go to the party, I agreed to go upstairs with him, he thought I was there for sex, and I backed out because he was asking me stuff I know nothing about.”
“An invitation to a party and its acceptance doesn’t automatically mean sex. And you didn’t lead him on by going upstairs with him. You can say no to someone at any point, and they should respect that. When he found out you haven’t been with a guy before, he should have checked in with you about what you’re comfortable with, and there should have been no pressure to do anything more than that. You’re not in the wrong here, Donovan.”
“Yeah,” he says, “sure I’m not.”
“Alright, think of it this way. Imagine it was your best friend from back home.”
“Beth?” he says quietly.
“Yeah, imagine she’s never been with a guy before, but there’s a hot guy who asks her to a party, and she goes to his room. Imagine the situation plays out as it did with you, and she’s upset and tells you about it, what would you say to her?”
He takes a couple of breaths. “I don’t know.”
“Would you tell her she led him on and should have agreed to whatever he wanted without understanding it?”
“No, of course not,” he says.
“Right, so what would you tell her?”
He sighs, “I’d tell her that the guy sounds like a dick, and it’s a good thing she didn’t have her first time with someone who treated her like that.”
“Exactly,” I say, “so can you listen to your own advice?”
“I don’t know,” he says, but he gives me a small smile. “It just made me panic, him not wanting to help me makes me think no one will. Why would anyone want someone who has no idea what they’re doing.”
“You’d be surprised,” I chuckle. “Some people think it’s hot to help others… you know, discover their bodies, own their pleasure.” I don’t tell him that I’m talking about me, I’m one of those people. “Look, regardless of your experience, the right person won’t care. They’ll talk to you about it, guide you through it, answer questions and check in with you.”
“That sounds more terrifying than actually having sex,” he says.
“Yeah, that may be so, but if you can’t talk about it openly with someone, should you really be having sex with them? Being comfortable enough to be intimate with someone means being able to talk about it.”
“I never thought about it like that,” he says. “Fuck, I wish they taught this stuff in Sex Ed. I know all about straight sex, but the only stuff I’ve learned about being with guys comes from porn, and that doesn’t go into all the… well… other stuff…”
A blush crosses his cheeks, and he fumbles to take a drink of his water.
“Porn isn’t always real either,” I say, “it isn’t necessarily two people having real sex, it’s two people being directed and given angles and instructions. You know, like those Martin Freeman scenes in Love Actually!”
Donovan
“Love Actually is one of my favorite films,” I chuckle, “I love those scenes.”
We sit quietly as I process our conversation and the evening’s events. He’s right, it wasn’t fair of Kyle to make me feel that way, so I haven’t been with a guy before, the right person won’t care. Besides, I don’t want my first time to be a hook-up at a party, I want to date, I want to know them. I just have no idea how to go about doing this.
“I thought it would be so easy out here,” I say, “that once I was away from my family and friends I could finally be myself. But now I’m here, I have no idea how to… well… be gay.”
Stephen chuckles, “Well that’s your first mistake right there. I mean, there isn’t a ‘way to be gay’, you’re you. And yeah, you’re gay, you’re attracted to men or whatever, but it doesn’t mean you have to act a certain way, it doesn’t mean you’re not a multi-faceted human being. Just be yourself and you’ll meet people.”
“Hmm, is it weird that sometimes I wish people would know I’m gay just by looking at me. So many people assume I’m straight, it makes me worry I’ll meet people, but they won’t know, and I’ll miss out on relationships. Does that even make sense?”
“Kind of,” Stephen says, “the thing you have to remember is that the world is hetero-coded, people will always assume the majority of people they meet are straight, that’s seen as the ‘norm’, it’s bullshit, but that’s the way it is. Look at me for instance, people see me as a jock and most people assume I’m straight, because apparently, someone, somewhere, said that gay people aren’t good at sports!”
People assume he’s straight… “Wait,” I ask, “you’re not straight?”
“No, I’m pansexual,” he says. “I’m not out. My parents and my best friends know, but other than that, I keep it private, so please don’t tell anyone.”
“I won’t, I promise. Uh… this is probably a bad question, but which one is pansexual again?”
He chuckles, “For me, it means that someone’s gender identity or sex doesn’t matter when it comes to whether or not I’m attracted to them. I’m attracted to the person.”
“So you have sex with both guys and girls?”
“I guess, although I’d rather say I have relationships that can include sex, with guys, girls, and anyone who identifies on that spectrum. It’s not linked to being pan, but I don’t do casual sex; I like to build a relationship and a connection with someone.”
“Wow,” I say, in complete and utter shock. “Why didn’t you tell me when I came out to you?”
“Like I said, I’m not out, it’s tricky with football.”
“Tricky how?” I ask, genuinely curious about him.
He takes a deep breath, as though he’s preparing himself to tell me a lot of stuff. “When it comes to pro-football, everything is against me making it, and I mean everything.”
