Dominate, page 21
Broderick Masterson is a dead man.
HONEY
I wake up in the thick darkness of my bedroom, alone. Glancing over at the alarm clock on the nightstand, I see that it’s past one in the morning. I’d been so out of it after revealing my dark secret, that I only vaguely remember Payne carrying me to bed last night. Is he still here? Reluctantly, I sit up and cradle my pounding head in my hands. Even though I’m emotionally drained, I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off me.
Pulling my hair into a ponytail, I trudge down the hall, to check in on Kason. I’m thankful to find that he’s still fast asleep in his bed. I close the door back behind me and walk back down the hall in search of Payne, but he’s not here.
He’s gone?
Of course he is, you idiot! How could you be so stupid to tell him? Now, he’s never coming back!
Stepping towards the large living room window, I peer out across the street, to the familiar spot where Payne’s black truck is always parked. Not only is it gone, but all the lights in his house are out, as well.
Where can he be, this late?
I walk back to the kitchen double checking to see if he’s left a note, but again, there’s nothing. Since, I don’t have his cell phone number, there’s no way I can call him. Bright headlights suddenly illuminate the front of my house, and my heart begins to race.
He’s back. Oh, thank God, he’s back.
I quickly rush back to the living room and look out of the window panel beside the door. My heart plummets when I see Kyra coming up the walkway, instead. From reading her stiff body language, I can tell that she’s more than pissed about something. Taking a deep breath, I open the door and prepare myself to hear about her night.
“Ugh! I swear I’m giving up men. They’re all selfish fucking assholes!” she declares, throwing up her hands in defeat. Dropping her bag at the door, she walks over and collapses onto the couch. In a confused daze, I follow behind her and sit in my favorite oversized chair, curling up and hugging a pillow into my stomach for comfort. As Kyra begins filling me in on the details of her “date from hell”, her words soon fade into distant mumbles. Over and over, I try to focus back on what she’s saying, but all I can think about is Payne.
The early light of dawn slowly erases the darkness of our living room. Kyra has gone to bed, hours ago, but I stayed, knowing it won’t be long before Kason is up. In desperate need for some caffeine, I head to the kitchen, to make some coffee.
As I take a slow sip of my drink, I can only imagine how disappointed Kason will be that Payne’s not here when he wakes up. My son and I both seem to be victims of his betrayal. How can anyone be so heartless? The longer I sit at my kitchen table, the angrier I become at him, at myself. I trusted him. I’d bared my soul to him. He’d made me promises. How can the man, who held me last night, walk out without so much as a goodbye?
Fuck him!
The pent up fury overtakes me. I hate him! Full of rage, I reach over and grab my cell phone, demolishing it as I throw it down hard onto the ceramic floor. Overwhelmed, I collapse into my folded arms and cry onto the table.
How had I been so stupid to let him in our lives? Why did I have to fall in love with him?
I wish I never met you, Payne James.
Chapter Twenty-Six
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
PAYNE
I feel like a zombie, staring into the blurring lights of the oncoming traffic. So far, I’ve managed to put more than four hours between us. I can still taste her delicious pussy on my lips. Right now, there’s no way I can put into words, the multitude of emotions circulating through my body. The line between love and hate is contorted; I don’t know what to make of any of it.
She’ll never know how much I hate myself for leaving her, for breaking my promise to her son, but I don’t have a choice. No matter what it takes, I will keep them safe at all costs. But before I can do anything, I’ve got to get my head back in the game. There’s only one person in the world that can help me do that.
I’m going to visit a ghost.
As I stare up at the familiar, two-story Victorian house, everything begins to resurface. I still remember how excited Cole and Kacey had been the day they’d moved into it. Even though the old house had needed a lot of work, they only saw it’s potential. Cole loved spending every available minute on some new project. I used to joke that his grandchildren would be born before he got everything done. It had been their dream home. They were going to raise their family here… grow old here. Now, everything has changed.
It had been over three years since I’d last visited her. After Cole died, I thought staying here might prove to be too difficult for her. Not only did the house, hold memories, it also held a hefty mortgage. Even with life insurance and military benefits, it wouldn’t have been enough to keep her afloat for very long. Her and the kids had already lost so much, I certainly wasn’t going to let them lose anything else. After things had settled down a bit, I’d decided to pay her a visit. If anyone deserved to know the truth, it was her.
I’ll never forget the shocked look on her face when she saw me the first time I visited. She kept looking behind me, hoping and praying that Cole would step out of the shadows and everything in her life would be okay again. But that only made everything harder about my visit. Because of her husband, I was standing there in her house, alive and well.
I spent the next few hours telling her every single detail about that day. I’d known it wouldn’t change the outcome, but she deserved to know the real truth about what happened, not the lie that the military had fabricated. While she cried in my arms, I hated myself even more for living. I wanted her to be angry with me. I wanted her to hate me. Instead, she grabbed my hand and made me promise her that I would stop blaming myself. I never agreed to that promise. I couldn’t. I knew it would be one I could never keep.
When the time came for me to leave, I gave her a large yellow envelope, full of money I’d saved from my contracted jobs. It had been more than enough to pay off her house and make sure they were comfortable for a while. Even now, I continue to send her a percentage of what I make. They will never want for anything. I will make damn certain of that.
I slowly slide my hand up the porch rail, smiling as I admire Cole’s handy work. It had been the last project he’d finished before we left on our last mission. Climbing the porch steps, I take a deep breath and press the brass button to ring the doorbell. The familiar musical chime pulls at my heart. By the time she opens the heavy mahogany door, I feel the flood of emotions hit me at once. Her sweet, comforting smile quickly turns into a frown. Like always, she can see right through me.
“Payne James, you’ve broken your promise to me, haven’t you?” she scolds, ushering me inside.
I walk around the living room looking at all of the framed photographs adorning the large cherry bookcase. So many wonderful memories captured. So many future memories lost. I stop and pick up the frame and smile. It’s a picture of Cole and I, when we first were stationed together in Texas.
Everyone in that unit had been like a brother to me, but with Cole it had been different. I felt like he understood me, thought like me. He was the only person who could talk sense into my thick skull when I knew I was acting like an ass. I miss him more and more every day. What I wouldn’t give for him to be able to help me get my shit together right now.
“I remember that day.” Kacey approaches my side and places her hand on my shoulder. It’s been five years, but she still wears her wedding ring.
“God, I miss him.” I blow out a heavy breath in order to help push back the burning tears.
“I know you do.” I sit the picture back down and point towards the newer pictures of the kids, trying to keep from breaking down.
“I can’t believe they’ve already gotten so big.”
I hate that I can’t see them in person, but right now it’s too risky for them to know I’m still alive. It’s enough of a gamble for me just staying in touch with Kacey like I do.
“Yeah, I know. Lily just turned seven and Quinn is almost nine.” She lets out a sigh. “It doesn’t seem possible that so much time has gone by.” She’s right. It doesn’t.
“Are you okay?” She asks, her voice full of concern. She knows me well enough that she can tell something is very off with me. Even when Cole was alive, I rarely talked about what was going on in my life. Normally when she asks me this I just wave her off, but today is somehow different. She knows I’m here for a reason. My answer comes easy.
“No. No, I’m definitely not okay.”
For the next two hours, I tell her everything. I don’t hold back on my detailed confession. Every lie, every sick twisted addiction, seeps out of me, virtually draining me in the process. When I finish, I expect her to be horrified, revolted even, but she isn’t. There’s no judgment in her soft, blue eyes, instead, there’s something much worse… Pity. That is the last fucking thing I want from anyone. Guilt eats at me enough, as it is.
“Don’t do that,” I warn.
“Don’t do what? What am I doing?”
“You’re looking at me like you feel sorry for me. You know much I hate that.”
“When are you going to let this go? It wasn’t your fault, Payne. You have to know that by now.”
“Living is my fault. I shouldn’t be here. Cole should.” She stands and sits beside me on the couch, placing her arm around me. She’s so tiny, her arm only makes it halfway across my back.
“You were all on an impossible mission. It was doomed from the start. You did everything you could to try to save him.”
“But it wasn’t enough, was it?”
“Damn it, Payne. When are you ever going to get it through your thick skull? Cole wanted you to live. I’m glad you lived. Why can’t you be?”
“Because I didn’t have a family to come home to, he did. He had a future with you and them.” I point to the kid’s pictures. “I had nothing to come home to except my best friend and I still ended up losing everything. How can I be glad about that?”
“It sounds to me like you finally found something to be glad about. It’s why you ran from them. It’s the reason you’re here with me right now. You love her and it terrifies the hell out of you, doesn’t it?”
In love?
“Kacey, I-,”
“I know you better than anyone, Payne James. You’re scared of getting close to someone and then losing them, again. Am I right?”
She’s right. Of course, she would be. The painful truth practically slaps me across the face. As much as I want to fight how I feel for Devyn, it’s no use. I’m not just falling for her, I’m already hopelessly, madly, and irrefutably in love with the woman.
With the overload of unfamiliar emotions, I’m unable to look Kacey in the eye. Instead, I stare down at her hand, observing the way she absentmindedly rolls the diamond band around her delicate finger.
“You still wear his ring.”
She takes a deep breath and looks down at it. I remember when he slid that ring on her finger. I’d been proudly standing right beside him.
“Yeah. I do.”
I grab her hand in mine and give it a light, reassuring squeeze. “He’d want you to be happy, too, you know?”
“I am happy, Payne. I’ve got my kids and their healthy. My family is great. They live just on the other side of town. We’re surrounded with people who love us.” She pauses and then continues. “Believe it or not, deep down, I still feel Cole with me. It’s like he’s right beside me when I sleep. When I’m having a hard day, I just remember how lucky I am to still feel that connection with him, even though he’s not here physically with me. Right now, that’s enough for me.”
I nod. I understand exactly where she is coming from. She isn’t ready to let Cole go. Maybe she never will be. Only time will tell.
“Go back to her, to them. They need you, and, believe it or not, you need them, too.” She grabs hold of my hand and squeezes before laying her head on my shoulder. “You deserve them, Payne. God knows you deserve a family more than anyone I know.”
“But, I don’t know how to be a family, Kacey. It’s a battle enough every day just being me.”
“Just give up the battle and live. It’s what Cole wanted. Allow yourself to finally be happy. Let her love you.”
“She can’t love me. How can she? She doesn’t even know who I really am. If she ever finds out the truth, she’ll be the one running again.”
“Tell her. Tell her absolutely everything. Don’t hold anything back. Even the darkest times in our lives can bring us light. Love isn’t easy, Payne. It sometimes doesn’t play fair. I know that better than anyone. But loving him was worth all the pain. To have half our love again, I’d walk through hell and back. If she loves you, she’ll stay, she’ll listen, and she’ll forgive.”
I needed those words more than she will ever know. Once the early afternoon approaches, I say my reluctant goodbye and make my way back onto the old country road that leads into town. I have one more stop to make before I go.
Crouching down, I place flowers on Cole’s grave and brush away the dirt on top of his marker, slowly tracing my trembling finger over his name. The last time I’d been here was when I’d killed the man who’d betrayed our unit. I’d made my best friend a promise, and I kept it. Putting a bullet in that fucker’s head had been more than satisfying, but it still didn’t bring any of them back. Even now, as I look over to where he’s buried, it doesn’t seem real.
“I wish you were here. I wish you could help me get my head straight.” Kacey’s words play over in my head. “Your wife is something else, you know? She just kicked my ass pretty good.” I chuckle, wiping away the tear from my cheek. “I miss you, man. God, how I miss you.” I take a deep breath and stand, glancing over at the grave beside of his…mine.
“I should be in that grave, not you.” I run my hands through my hair and blow out a long breath. “But I think I finally found a reason to be grateful for living. Everything makes sense now. Because of you, I’m here to save someone else, someone I love. That, makes you more than a hero, I love you, brother. I’m going to make you proud.
As I salute his grave, I know what I have to do. For the first time, I know my purpose for living.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
HONEY
“You sure you don’t want to come with us? It’ll do you good to get away. We can lay by the pool and sip on frozen margaritas. Come on, what do you say?” Kyra looks at me sympathetically. Yesterday, I’d finally broken down and told her about being with Payne, keeping the main details to a minimum, of course.
“No, you two go ahead. Kason’s feeling better, I know he’ll love seeing your parents.”
“Honey, I’m really worried about you.” She sits down her purse on the kitchen counter.
“I’m fine. Fuck men, right?” I force a smile as I remind her of her infamous words. “Besides, I’ve got to work.” I lie. I still haven’t told her about my job situation.
“When that fucker shows his face, I’m going to give him a piece of my mind. I’m so sorry he did this to you.”
I can’t help but laugh at her idle threats. I know her well enough to know that she’ll do exactly what she says. Kyra’s super protective of us, and I absolutely love her for it.
“I’d say I’d call you when we get there, but…” she jokes, referring to my broken phone.
“Yeah, I know.” I let out a frustrated breath. It’d been stupid of me to lose my temper that way.
I grab Kason’s bag off the couch and walk them out to the car, forcing a smile as they drive away. My heart sinks when I glance over at Payne’s house. It’s been three days and still no sign of him. I wrap my arms around my body and hesitantly walk back into the house. The very last thing I want is to be alone, but I’m certainly not good company for anyone to be around.
I close the door and glance around the living room, cringing at the deafening silence that surrounds me. In desperate need of a distraction, I quickly pick up the remote and turn on some music, smiling when Uptown Funk begins playing. Dancing to the beat, I start picking up toys and straightening cushions, anything to pass the time. As I reposition the last pillow on the couch, I discover Payne’s ball cap, peeping out from beneath. A hard pain hits my chest as the rush of emotions hit me.
There’s only one way to handle this. With a sly smile, I head through the kitchen, pausing as I collect something from one of the cabinets. Once I’m outside, I lift the lid of the grill and sit the hat on the metal rack, quickly soaking it in lighter fluid. Striking the long kitchen match in my hand, I waste no time dropping it into the grill. A tall, orange flame grows larger and larger as the hat swiftly transforms into ash.
