Billionaire Undercover - Hudson, page 13
I let out a breath of frustration. “You’re right,” I admitted grimly. “Taylor and I are almost total opposites. She lives every day when it comes, and she does it wholeheartedly, while I’m trying to shape that day into what I want it to be. Maybe the fact that we’re so different is what attracted me to her in the first place, and I wouldn’t change a hair on her head to be more like…me.”
“I think you two are much more alike than you think,” Jax said in a contemplative tone. “You just show the world different faces.”
“I’m not completely following you,” I mumbled.
He let out an exasperated sigh. “I mean, maybe you show things differently, but deep down, you want the same things. Hell, I’d probably be willing to cut off one of my damn balls to have a woman stand up to me the way Taylor did with you. To say that I actually hurt her, instead of just ruined her chances to be with a billionaire Montgomery. Because that would mean she actually gave a damn about me, Hudson. If you have the ability to hurt Taylor, what she’s really saying is that she cares what you think about her character, whether she realizes it or not. Fuck knows I’m no expert in relationships. Maybe because I’ve never had anything real. But ultimately, I think you and Taylor want the same damn thing: she wants somebody to care about her, and so do you.”
“I do care about her,” I rasped. “Probably too damn much.”
“Well see, there’s a problem with that situation,” Jax commented. “She doesn’t know that. I know you, Hudson. You’re a damn master at playing the game, and not letting anybody know what’s really going on in your head. While that makes you an excellent businessman, and before that, a great Special Forces member, it isn’t working so well in your private life.”
“I don’t have a private life,” I informed him.
“Now, you do,” Jax snapped back. “You have Taylor, and I think she wants to care about you, so start communicating and let her know exactly what you’re thinking. This isn’t business, Hudson. Not anymore. I think she was disappointed because she thought you had more faith in her ability to take care of herself. Yeah, maybe she needed somebody to take care of her for a short period of time when she couldn’t do it herself, but she’s highly intelligent, educated, and perfectly capable of running her own life.”
“I know that,” I growled. “I see how smart and together she is every single day. I’ve never seen somebody who has been held hostage bounce back as fast as she has, and to tell you the truth, it scares the hell out of me.” I wasn’t about to share the fact that Taylor had been forced into allowing the rebel leader to use her body every damn night. I was fairly certain Jax knew about that anyway since Harlow had mentioned it, but he didn’t need to know the details. I couldn’t say I had any specifics to share anyway. That was the one thing Taylor hadn’t discussed a whole lot with me.
“It was a short duration, Hudson. Her body is almost healed, and if she had her head straight in the first place, maybe she is okay. I’m not saying that going through something like that isn’t going to cause some lingering issues, but hell, don’t we all have some of those?”
“Maybe,” I said noncommittally, not ready to admit all the shortcomings I had.
Not to Jax, anyway. We were too damn much alike having come from the same background, so that would be kind of like telling him he was a hot mess, too.
“I will tell you one thing,” I offered.
“What’s that?”
“There’s not a single choice for me in this situation,” I admitted, referring back to the conversation we’d had on the way to Lania. “If I could have talked myself out of wanting Taylor, I would have done it by now.”
Jax snorted. “I kind of figured that out already.”
I intentionally shifted the conversation away from me, and into the rest of our business.
After thirty minutes or so, we were done catching up for the day when Jax asked, “What do you want me to do about Harlow?”
“Nothing,” I said flatly. “She needs time to grieve and get her head on straight. As her employers, we owe it to her to give her all the time and support she needs. I’m not accepting her resignation, even if some supervisor or department head did. As far as I’m concerned, she’s going to be on an extended leave of absence, a paid leave. You on board with that?”
“Definitely,” Jax said emphatically. “I’ll handle payroll and the lab chief. What about Taylor?”
“She stays a paid employee, too. The woman already gets a ridiculously low wage for her education, intern or not. I think that’s something we need to look at in the future. Her internship isn’t over until the beginning of September, and by that time, she damn well better accept my job offer and get her ass into a permanent position with us,” I said unhappily.
“She doesn’t want that?” Jax asked, sounding perplexed.
“Doesn’t think she has the experience to work for us,” I replied.
“With an average person, that’s probably true,” Jax considered. “But it’s not totally unheard of to see an intern go into a permanent position with us if they’re really exceptional. It’s happened before. It just doesn’t occur frequently, but I’d more than agree that Taylor is one of those exceptions. She’s one of those rare interns I’d rather not lose to another company. Anyone who has the brains to kick my ass in chess is somebody who’s dangerous on the outside,” Jax said, sounding like he was only partially joking. “I’ll have a word with her at the barbeque, let her know what I think. Maybe she assumes you’re doing her a favor or something. Just try not to slug me because I’m talking to her at Riley’s place,” he requested.
“I already told you I regret the way I acted,” I answered. I’d mentioned it at the very beginning of our conversation. “No winking, no flirting, no charming, and I’ll be fine.”
“We’ll see,” Jax said, drawing those two words out longer than needed.
Much to my annoyance, I could have sworn I heard the bastard laughing right before he ended the entire conversation.
Taylor
“I think it’s time for us to get a few things straight,” Hudson said ominously from his lounger.
I shuddered. Usually, that growly tone didn’t bother me at all, but things had been incredibly tense since our disagreement last night.
I took a larger than normal gulp of the white wine I was drinking, and hastily swallowed it.
Tired of feeling helpless, I’d made dinner, and had let Hudson know it was ready. We’d pretty much eaten in silence, which had been pretty damn uncomfortable.
All of my anger had disappeared long before I’d called him for dinner.
I’d totally made a snap judgment about him, so I couldn’t really feel devastated that he’d done the same thing with me.
Hudson and I had a strange bond, but really, we didn’t know each other all that well.
We were judging each other on our previous life experiences, and on my part, that was going to stop.
I was going to learn more about him and his family, instead of trying to measure him beside every other rich guy I’d ever known.
Yeah, there had been a lot of trust fund pricks in Los Angeles who had looked down on the poorer kids while I was growing up, and more than enough attending Stanford, too. Maybe Hudson had more money than any of them could ever dream of having, but that didn’t mean the level of snobbery went up exponentially because Hudson was a billionaire. I couldn’t put every filthy rich person into the same mold.
“I’m sorry if I misjudged you,” I blurted out. “You’ve done way too much for me to deserve how I acted. I guess I was hurt, so I just…retreated.”
“So does that mean you’ll take the money?” he asked hopefully.
“Absolutely not,” I retorted.
“I was afraid you’d say that,” he answered, sounding disappointed. “It wasn’t some kind of payoff, Taylor. I want you to understand that. I didn’t expect or want you to sign a release, and it wasn’t meant to satisfy my guilt, either. All I really wanted to do was make your life easier. In my mind, you’ve had enough to deal with, and you don’t need financial worries. If I could take that off your plate for you with nothing more than a damn signature to wire the funds, why not do it? Everything else aside, you were working for Montgomery when it happened, so if we can ease your mind in some way, we owe that to you.”
I sighed. “Look at this from my perspective, Hudson. I’d be dead right now if you and Jax hadn’t shown up exactly when you did. You went way beyond what any company would do for an employee, and you’re still doing it. I know you meant well, but I can’t look at this as all business. It’s personal to me. I can’t keep taking from you. And really, I’ve had to watch my pennies my entire life. That’s the way I’ve always lived, and why I pushed my ass through school. I’m temporarily strapped because I made the decision to do an internship that I knew would give me invaluable experience before I took a permanent position, but I’m in a lot more of a powerful position than I’ve ever been in my entire. I can get a good job that will eventually lead to the extras I’ve never had, and I’ve done it on my own. Probably the most important thing to me is that all of this will happen while I’m able to work in a field that means something to me. I’m no different than you are. I want to make a difference in the world, too. If you go plop some five or six figure amount of money into my bank account, that pretty much disregards everything I’ve been working for all these years.”
“Seven figures,” he grumbled.
I rolled my eyes. Did Hudson always have to do everything in a big way? “I’m not taking it,” I warned him.
“I want to be assured that you’re safe, Taylor,” he said in a tight voice. “That’s all I’ve ever intended.”
My heart melted just a little. “And I appreciate the fact that you care as a friend now. Just knowing that you do is more valuable than any amount of money. But as your friend who never wants you to be taken for granted, it’s nauseating even to think about taking that kind of payment from you. Give me a chance to give back for God’s sake. This friendship has been all one-sided so far.”
“I’m not your friend, Taylor,” he answered abruptly. “I think that’s one of the most important things we need to get straight right now.”
My eyes widened as I turned my head to look at him. The sun was starting to set, and Hudson’s gaze was set on the horizon, but the tension on his face was all too clear.
Shit! Had I been way too presumptuous in considering Hudson Montgomery a friend?
“I’m sorry, I guess I just thought—”
“Don’t,” Hudson cut me off. “This is my issue, not yours, and you haven’t done a damn thing to encourage me, but understand that I’m never going to see you as some kind of buddy of mine.”
Tears sprang to my eyes immediately. It wasn’t that I didn’t know that the two of us were very, very different, but I cared so much about Hudson that it was excruciatingly painful to hear that he didn’t feel the same way.
Maybe the majority of men weren’t dying to go out with me, but it was the first time I’d ever had a friendship with one of them completely tossed back in my face.
Unfortunately, it was also the first time I’d wanted to be close to somebody so damn much.
“Understood,” I mumbled because I couldn’t get any other response out of my mouth.
“No, I don’t think you do understand,” Hudson rasped. “If I could possibly treat you like a friend, I would, but I can’t. I’ve never in my life wanted to fuck a single one of my friends or buddies. My dick doesn’t get rock-hard the second one of them walks into the room. And I sure as hell don’t think about bending them over a kitchen counter while they’re scooping ice cream. I know I don’t fucking obsess over their safety, whether they’re well, or if they’re happy every goddamn minute of the day until I’m half crazy. I’ve never jerked myself off thinking about what it would be like to hear them screaming my name while they were coming so hard that it seemed like that pleasure was never going to end.” He stopped abruptly, and sucked down the entire tumbler of whiskey in his hand in a single large gulp.
Holy shit!
I watched him, my entire body tight with shock, as he visibly tried to get his emotions under control.
He clenched his fists and then released them, and he did it over and over again until some of the tension on his gorgeous face started to ease.
I didn’t know what to say, so I kept my mouth shut until I could wrap my head around what he’d just said.
He put the tumbler down on the small table beside him, and added, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone. It’s. Just. You. So don’t ask me to try to act like you’re a friend when all I really want is to get as intimate with you as two people can get.”
My hand was shaking when I took a sip of my wine this time.
My emotions were probably even more chaotic than his at the moment.
My heart was racing, and I could barely catch my breath.
I’d wanted Hudson Montgomery almost the same way since the beginning.
At first, he’d been my rescuer.
Then, the person who had been beside me at one of the worst times of my life. The guy who didn’t seem to mind hauling me from one room to another, and wasn’t embarrassed even when I needed help to pee.
After that, Hudson had been my safe place to fall while I was getting my shit together.
But truthfully, I’d always wanted him.
I’d wanted to lick every inch of his powerful body since the first time I’d seen it.
Intimacy wasn’t really something I was completely comfortable with, but God, I’d wanted it. I’d craved it with this man. Just like him, I’d gotten myself off to carnal fantasies about him.
But I’d never, not in a million years, thought he’d felt the same way.
Maybe I had hoped I’d seen desire on his face last night, but it hadn’t been difficult to discard the entire idea of somebody like Hudson wanting…me.
I wasn’t sophisticated.
I wasn’t beautiful.
I didn’t really know how to be flirty.
I didn’t know how to be a woman Hudson might be attracted to, but he was. It was written all over his face tonight, and it wasn’t my imagination.
Last night’s perceived desire had been real, too.
A large tear dropped to my cheek, but I didn’t give a damn.
Hudson had just made himself so vulnerable to me that it ripped me up inside.
He wasn’t the kind of guy who just blurted out the way he felt, or gave someone all the ammunition to destroy him if that was their goal.
Luckily, that wasn’t my ambition.
What I really wanted was to get him naked, and satisfy every dirty fantasy he’d ever had.
I’d savor every second of this man’s fierce, raw passion greedily, and then, no doubt, I’d beg for more.
Truthfully, I’d never felt like this before, either, but I was beyond willing to find out what it felt like to wallow in those desires rather than hide them.
“Son of a bitch!” he cursed. “You’re crying. I didn’t mean to upset you, Taylor. I just needed you to know the truth. Forget what I said. I’ll try to be your damn friend if that’s all you need.”
It wasn’t.
It wasn’t even close to being what I needed.
For once in my life, I wanted somebody to really know me, every part of me.
Like I’d done many times since Hudson had rescued me, I reached for my dragon pendant for a little boost of confidence, but it wasn’t there.
“Why do you do that?” Hudson asked in a husky tone.
“What?”
“Put your hand up to your neck like that. I’ve seen you do it before?”
“The rebels took all my jewelry, which wasn’t much,” I explained. “But I had a pendant that Mac Tanaka gave me when I was a teenager, a dragon with a cage tail that wrapped around a pearl. I never took it off. I miss it, I guess.”
Hudson rose and held out his hand. “It’s dark. Let’s go in. We don’t have to talk about this shit anymore. I won’t even mention it again. You’re not fully recovered, and you’re dealing with enough right now.”
I took his hand because I wanted to touch him. I didn’t really need help anymore.
I looked up at him when I was on my feet, and I was disappointed when all I saw was concern in his eyes.
He’d obviously managed to conquer his previously out-of-control emotions.
Hudson’s expression was careful, closed off, but I knew what I’d seen early. It was still there, somewhere, but could I really blame him for needing to defend himself?
It wasn’t like I’d said a single thing to help him.
I held his gaze as I said, “I feel the same things you do, Hudson. I guess I’m just not quite sure how to give you what you want.”
He nodded sharply, and looked away. “I understand.”
I followed him into the house with a sigh. Just like I hadn’t understood him earlier, he didn’t understand me now.
How in the hell could I explain that even though I had the same desires that he did, I had no idea what to do with them?
Hudson
I couldn’t sleep later that night when I finally went to bed.
Instead, I kept cursing myself for being a coward, and running off to my home office after I’d confessed to Taylor that I couldn’t see her as a friend.
I’d wanted to end the conversation once we’d stepped inside, even though I’d known that Taylor had more to say.
She hadn’t been ready to hear my bullshit because she’d told me straight out that she didn’t know how to give me what I wanted.
Fairly certain she was just trying to let me down easy by claiming she felt the same way, I’d muttered some excuse about needing to get some stuff done in my office, and I’d walked away from her.
Fuck! What if she was confused? What if she hadn’t just been trying to politely blow me off?
