Denial, page 5
I stiffen slightly at his words, hand going still on his back. I’m torn, both at how much I wish he’d stay, and at his tone. Like he’s used to people getting sick of him.
“You can’t hide out here forever.”
“Why not? All that’s waiting back home is my job, which I don’t need, and my ex-best friend, who doesn’t need me.”
“Have you spoken to him since you left?”
This time Rainer stills. “No, obviously.”
My post-sex high ebbs a little. “Well … he’s your best friend. Don’t you think he’d want to know where you are?”
“It’s not like he cares.”
I barely manage to hold back from rolling my eyes. “That’s mature.”
“Oh, fuck you.”
“Little late for that.” Rainer starts to sit up but I quickly pull him closer. “Okay, settle down. We don’t have to talk about it.”
Rainer sniffs, drawing my attention to his eyes and how they’ve gone all shiny. “I’m so scared. If I talk to him and he still doesn’t want anything to do with me, that’s it.”
“I’m sorry.” I am. I shouldn’t have brought it up. My arms close around his slim shoulders and I hug him to me. “I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.”
Thankfully he doesn’t cry, and after a minute he pulls back, resting his head on my bicep. “Maybe. But either way, you’re right. I am hiding.”
“How long have you guys been friends?”
“Me and Elliot? At least six years. We were college freshmen together.”
“Six years is a long time. And you’re clearly sorry. Maybe he’s over it now.”
“That’s the thing, he just might be. Elliot is one of those rational people, but the longer I put it off, the longer I get to hope.”
I sigh. “When was the last time you had something to drink?”
“The day we met.”
“And the last time you took drugs?”
“Before I got here. After I woke up in a holding cell, covered in my own vomit, their appeal certainly dimmed a little.”
“Whatever the reason, you’re doing well.”
Rainer snorts. “Make me sound as noble as you like, we both know that as soon as I’m back there, as soon as he forgives me, everything will go back to how it was.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m a weak man. Nothing more to it.”
“You don’t have to be.”
He shakes his head and succeeds in sitting up, turning his face away from me. “I love that you think there’s good in me.”
“Because there is.”
“Right.” He lets out a hallow laugh. “Because that’s what I want you to think.”
“Since you’ve been here, all I’ve seen is good. If you really want to be that person, you’ll make it happen.”
His shoulders draw up. “Maybe …”
“And you have to go back.”
His face whips around so he can glare at me. “I know we mean nothing, but you can at least wait for a guy to get dressed before you try to get rid of him.”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” My tone leaves no room for argument. He scoffs and turns away again. I’m not interested in being dragged into some immature back and forth. “Of course this means something but you will not now, or ever, use me as a punching bag. Got it?”
He doesn’t answer. I reach for his chin, and turn it so he has to look at me. “Yes, I get it.” He taps my hand away, but a minute later, the fight fades away. “I’m sorry.”
And as tough as he tries to be, I see him. He thinks he’s broken, but even without knowing him I can tell he’s circumnavigating to the correct path.
“I know. Help me grab this shit.”
We pull on our swimmers and grab everything we brought with us. Rainer doesn’t say anything as we make our way back to the boat, him hugging the sandy towels to his chest. Once we’re on board, I throw the condom in the trash, wipe my hands, and then guide him to stand in front of me as I steer the boat back to the marina.
“We both know you have to go back, Rainer.” Just saying the words is like a gut punch. As fun as it is to hook up with people on holidays, to draw them into my world, this part is always hard. Especially with someone like Rainer who reminds me how easy it would be to make someone mine. How much I crave that.
“I know.” He turns and buries his face in my chest and we don’t say anything else about it the whole way back.
Chapter Five
Rainer
It’s still dark when I wake, despite spending most of the night paying tribute to my sexy Greek god. He murmurs something in his sleep, turning onto his side and raising his arm up to cover his face. Since that first night together, he’s stayed over in my villa, and it’s only hitting me now that this will be the last time I wake up next to him.
I’m tempted to rouse him up with a morning blow job, but my chest feels too raw to even attempt it. No matter how amazing this vacation has been, I have to head home and face the shitty reality waiting for me. Colton convinced me to text Elliot, and he’s agreed to meet me when I fly into JFK, but I can tell it’s going to take a lot of growing up on my end to get things even close to normal between us. Elliot made it clear he won’t humor my self-destructive tendencies anymore.
And when I look back at what I’m leaving behind … Colton’s smooth brown back is revealed to me, the sheet hanging low enough I can just make out the top of his gorgeous ass, and I’m so tempted to curl up against him and go back to sleep. Instead, I force myself out of bed and into the shower before slowly tracking around the room, collecting all my things.
The loud ziiiiip of my suitcase in the quiet room is enough to make Colton stir. He rolls onto his back and peers out at me from under his arm.
“Morning.” He smiles and it just about breaks my heart.
“Hi.” I can’t meet his stare. “I’m all packed.”
“Yeah. I think that’s the most clothes I’ve ever seen you wear.”
“Don’t be stupid. You’ve seen me in exactly this outfit before.”
He must sense something in my tone because he gets up, the sheet revealing every damn inch of him, and tugs me in close. “We both knew what this was, Rainer.”
We did. And I’m not going to sulk about it, there’ll be plenty of time for that on the plane.
“Sure you don’t want a lift to the airport?” he asks.
I shake my head and step back. “No thank you. I have a car coming.”
“Of course you do.” He cracks a small smile.
I can’t return it.
“Hey,” he says. “No need for the scowl. We’ve had fun, now it’s time for life to go back to normal.”
“Just because you do this all the time, doesn’t mean we all do.”
Colton lifts a dark eyebrow. “You’re trying to tell me you don’t fuck and run?”
“No, that’s exactly what I do. What I don’t do is go back for seconds.”
“Or thirds, or fourths …”
I roll my eyes and he grabs my hand and tugs me closer again. Like he can’t get enough of touching me. But he’s just going to have to because soon I won’t be here to touch. And after that reminder, I finally give in to my urge and run my hands up over his chest.
“You showered without me?” he asks against my lips.
“Had to. I leave soon.”
His shoulders drop as he gives me a sweet kiss. “I better get dressed then.”
We don’t say much else as he pulls on the shirt and shorts he was wearing yesterday. He looks even hotter in the morning light coming through the curtains and this weird feeling passes over me that I’ve never had before. It’s like I feel tied to him. Like it’s going to physically hurt when we part.
He pockets his wallet and each second between us starts to grow stale, awkward. Colton clears his throat and starts to head for the door. “Have a safe flight, Rainer.”
“Wait.” I’m just prolonging the inevitable, but I quickly cross the room and wrap my arms around his neck. He returns the hug immediately, and I near swoon at how tight he holds me, at how good it feels to be wrapped up in his arms.
He presses a kiss to the top of my head. “Don’t make this hard.”
I nod but don’t release him. “I want to ask for your number,” I whisper.
“Don’t.”
I cringe at the word, at the reminder I’m twisting this into more than it ever was.
Colton’s arms squeeze me as his mouth finds my ear. “Don’t ask. Please. Because it’s taking all my restraint not to ask for yours.”
I smile into his chest. “Ask me.”
“Rainer …”
“Do it. Ask for my number.”
His body shakes with a deep chuckle. “Jesus. You’re going to own me, aren’t you?”
I crane my head back to watch as I drag my fingers down one of his cheeks. “I wish I was staying.”
His dark eyes are vulnerable as he answers. “Yeah, I wish you were too.”
“But I’m not.”
“You’re not.”
“I have to go.”
“You do.” A soft smile stretches over his face. “But not before you give me your number.”
He hands over his phone and I quickly type in my digits. I don’t ask him for his because I know that if I have access to Colton, he’ll never be rid of me. I’m the one going back home, so if he wants to keep in touch, it’s all on him.
My phone dings with a notice that my car is ten minutes away and that simple reminder sobers us both. With one last kiss, Colton’s gone, and even though I still have to check out, I watch him cross the sand until he disappears from view.
My heart feels heavy as I drag myself through handing back the room key and finding the car. I’m in a daze as I enter the airport and check in for my flight. As I cross the gangway, I can’t help comparing how sturdy it is compared to the one I took to get to Colton’s boat that first day. I can’t stop replaying his smile as he helped me on board. That smile. So fucking bright.
I’m in my first class seat, staring at the one in front by the time I’m finally brought back to my body. The flight attendants are already preparing the plane for takeoff, and the pilot is saying something about turning off our phones. I slide mine from my pocket, but before I hold down the button, a message pops up on the screen. It’s an unknown number, but I know exactly who it is.
Unknown:
Tell me you’ll be back.
The tension eases out of me as relief floods through my melancholy.
Rainer:
I’ll be back.
Unknown:
Soon.
It’s a big ask. And honestly, I’m not even sure what we’re doing, but what I do know is if Colton wants to keep this going, even with a world between us, I’m not going to push him away. But when I return, it’s going to be in a far better headspace than last time.
Rainer:
I won’t give you time to miss me.
Unknown:
I’ll hold you to that.
Rainer:
I’d rather you were holding me down ;)
Unknown:
In that case, I promise to make your welcome back as unforgettable as you are.
Bubbles erupt in my stomach and I switch the phone off, feeling almost light-headed. As soon as I have everything in order, I’ll be booking the first flight back. He can count on that.
And when I do, he’s going to find out exactly how unforgettable I can be.
Chapter Six
Colton
We talk every day for the eight months it takes for him to come back to me. But even though we’ve been separated physically, I know everything he’s been up to. Therapy, mending his friendship with Elliot, and wrapping up things at work. It took him eight months to end his life there, so he could start one here.
With me.
It’s such a strange concept, that we’ve been apart for longer than we were together, and as I wait for him to pass through customs, I’m beside myself with worry that he won’t be how I remember. We’ve spent so much time getting to know each other, because the lack of the physical means I’ve gotten to know him on an emotional level beyond how I’ve known anyone. I’ve memorized his face on my screen, but it’s nothing like the real thing. When he gets here, he’ll be living with me, and that’s worlds different to non-stop texts, late night video jerk off sessions, or even him staying in the cabana while he was here.
This time we won’t be able to escape each other. I’m so keen to get started.
An influx of people pass through the departures gate and my pulse jumps up to warp speed. What if he’s changed? Do I hug him? Go in for the kiss?
But just as I’m arguing with my ninth-grade self, Rainer appears, and the decision is taken away from me. He breaks into a jog, drops his luggage halfway, and literally launches into my arms forcing an oomph from my chest. My hands close around his back as his lips find mine and we’re kissing before I get a chance to second guess the situation. All the uneasiness dissolves. He’s still the same guy.
Wild and fun and willing to jump on a plane and move to a completely different country all for a hope that we could possibly work out. It makes me determined to hold onto him.
“Fuck, I missed you,” I murmur against his mouth.
“Why the hell are we talking and not kissing right now?” he asks before attacking my mouth again.
And damn, I don’t want to stop. He’s so warm and solid in my arms and I feel like I could explode with how happy I am to have him back here with me. It’s been a rough couple of months.
I’m becoming a little too aware of how public we are, so eventually I ease him back onto his feet and break the kiss. “Let’s get you home, baby.” And the words, combined with the way his face lights up, is everything.
He’s here.
He’s mine.
And this time there’s no way I’ll let him go.
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Saxon James, Denial
