Sanctuary (Freaks MC Book 2), page 20
Tiny frowned. “He been limping for long?”
“Since he got back.” Emma shrugged. “The idiot rode for twelve hours.”
“He still not happy with leaving you?”
“He's getting better.” She laughed. “Sometimes he can go for hours without calling.”
“You're okay, though?”
“Yeah, mostly.” She stood and held out her hand. “Come with me. I've got something for you.”
~ oOo ~
Deke handed the rabbit back to Abi and watched his brother and ol' lady as they walked towards the studio. He understood – really he did – Emma would always be more open with Tiny about the... About what happened. She didn't have to worry about hurting him, he wasn't going to freak out and jump on his bike because he couldn't stand to hear what she needed to say. Tiny had been there when she needed him. And while the big SAA wasn't exactly the sharing, caring type, for Emma, he was the best counselor she'd ever find. He listened, and if she wanted his advice, he gave it, in his usual blunt style.
What had surprised him was the friendship that had developed between the two of them. Maybe it shouldn't have; his brother had taken care of people all his life – his ma, Beth, his kids, his brothers – and now he was taking care of Emma. Something he seemed incapable of doing.
It had been Tiny who had frog marched her to her studio, thrust a paintbrush in her hand and told her to 'get fucking painting.' He'd been the one who persuaded her to get some sleeping pills and been the one to tell her it was time to stop fucking taking them.
He sat on the bench they'd vacated and grabbed himself a beer. Beth opened her eyes and squinted at him. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” He tore his eyes from their retreating backs. “How 'bout you? You seem a little quiet.”
She smiled and turned to watch as Tiny and Emma disappeared into the studio. “I'm fine.” Her smile got wider. “I'm just a little tired.”
He knew that look. “You gonna share why?”
She shook her head and swiftly changed the subject. “Emma's looking well.”
“Yeah.” It would be a lie to say she was back to the way she was, but his little witch was back, even if she was a slightly faded version of her former self. “Thanks to Tiny.”
“Give yourself some credit, Samson. I know that Emma and Joe have developed a bond – she brings out his paternal instincts – but it's your patience and love that has brought her back.”
He shifted in an attempt to get comfortable and lifted Abi onto his lap. “If it wasn't for me, she wouldn't...”
“Stop right there, Samson. What happened, happened. It's done, and beating yourself up over it won’t help anyone, least of all Emma. She's tough, tougher than you give her credit for. It's time for you to stop treating her like a victim.”
~ oOo ~
Tiny stared at the small canvas. “You really want me to have this?”
“Yeah. I do.” She frowned. “Don't you like it?”
“I love it, little one.” He kissed her on the top of her head. “Still can't remember the sunshine, huh?”
Emma shrugged. “I remember it. I just don't feel it anymore. Anton's not impressed, but Felix put me in touch with a new gallery, and they're selling like hotcakes. So every cloud, I guess.” Tiny put his arm around her shoulder, and she leaned against him. She'd never had a relationship with anyone like she did with Tiny. There was something implacable about him and a brutal honesty that she'd never encountered in anyone before.
She loved Deke so much that it made her heart hurt, but the pain in his eyes when he looked at her tore her apart, so she'd learned to pretend. She smiled and laughed. She ate, and when they made love, she pretended to feel what she'd always felt. Only when she was painting or with the big man standing next to her did her true feelings show.
“Samson seen these yet?”
She shook her head. “He never comes up here.”
“You should show him. Ain't fair to keep this shit from him.”
“What good would it do, Tiny?”
“Ain't sure it'd do any good at all, little one. But Samson is your ol' man. He should bear some of the load.”
“You looking to bail on me, big guy?”
“Told you I'd be here for as long as you need me. That ain't gonna change.” He gave her shoulder a squeeze.
“You're a good man, Tiny Taylor.”
“I ain't sure about that. C'mon, let's go see if your ol' man has cremated those steaks.”
~ oOo ~
Deke put his arm around Emma and watched Tiny and Beth load the sleeping kids into the car. She didn't flinch when he reached for her anymore, and would fall asleep in his arms, but she never sought out his touch, and although they fucked, he knew..... he just knew. “How about we leave all this till the morning. It's getting cold out here.”
“Okay, I'll just shut up the girls and deal with the goat.”
“I'll take care of it, baby. Go on in the warm.”
The goat lowered his head as Deke approached. Despite the burning that radiated from his thigh, he kept his stride even. Over the months, he and the goat had reached an understanding. They hated each other, and there would probably never be a clear winner in the war of attrition. While Deke was a big, mean son of a bitch, the goat was wily and would exploit any weakness or chink in his armor, and there were more that a few nights when Deke had admitted defeat and left the triumphant goat out all night. He grinned as it snorted and Genghis ran towards the house with his tail between his legs.
“So much for having a badass dog watching my back. Now.” He pointed to the goat. “It's just you and me. Emma's in the house and there ain't any witnesses.”
“Is everyone locked up?” Emma, began to scrape the leftovers into the bucket for the chickens.
“The girls are. Fucking goat can stay out.” He crossed the kitchen and laid his hands on her hips. “Leave that and come to bed.”
“It won’t take long.”
“Emma.” He turned her around. “Leave it and come to bed.”
“If you insist, big guy.”
As her hands ran across his chest, her smile was too brittle and failed to meet her eyes. Deke cupped her face in his hands. “Stop this, baby girl.”
“But I thought...”
“You thought it was what I wanted? Of course it's what I want, Emma. But I want it to be what you want.”
“It is.”
“No it's not.” He pushed her hair away from her face and kissed her softly. “I know you, baby girl. You gotta stop pretending.”
“I'm not.” There was no conviction in her voice.
“Yes you are. We both are. No. Don't look away.” He lifted her chin. “Have you any idea how bad it makes me feel? I know this isn't what you want, but I pretend not to notice the look in your eyes and fuck you anyway. What kind of man does that make me?”
She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around his waist. “I want to want you.”
“I know.” He pulled her closer. “You don't have to do this for me. I can wait, baby girl. For as long as it takes.”
“I'm not doing it for you.” She pushed herself away from him. “I love you so much, Deke. All I want is to feel what I used to feel before... before...”
He could tell himself that he was filled with an overwhelming desire to kiss her at that moment, but the truth was, it was the only way he could think of stop her from saying anything. It was pathetic and cowardly and he hated himself for it, but he couldn't bear to hear her say it.
For a fleeting moment, he felt her body respond; then, with her hands flat on his chest, she pushed him away. “You have to stop this, Deke. You want me to be honest with you, yet every time I try to talk about what happened and how it makes me feel, you stop me.” She reached up and touched his face. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but I need to say the words sometimes.”
He couldn't look at her. Turning his head away, he stepped back. “You deserve better.”
“Than you?” She shrugged. “No I don't. I was raped, Deke. The reasons why are irrelevant – women get raped all the time, for all sorts of reasons – but if we are to move on from this, you have to acknowledge it happened. If you keep pushing it away, the gulf between us will only get wider, and the assholes who did this will have won.”
“I don't know how to make this right.” He began searching through his pockets for his pack of cigarettes – anything to avoid looking at her – and headed for the back door.
“You can start by not running away all the time.”
“I'm not.”
“Yes you are. All you've done for months is avoid me.”
“That's a ridiculous thing to say.”
“Is it? I don't think so, big guy.”
“I've tried to be here as much as I can, but I need to earn. You know that, baby.”
“So why didn't you take up Bugs' offer of the VP position when Wolf stands down?”
“You know about that? Who told you? Tiny?”
“No, Yaz. She couldn't wait to tell me.” Emma may not have been yelling, but she was pissed and he didn't blame her. “I had to pretend that I knew all about it and was okay with you staying nomad, even though you had the chance to earn straight. I'm not okay with it, by the way.”
He'd thought that by splitting the nomad chapter, he could be home more, but he was away as much as ever. “I can't earn straight, baby girl. Not enough anyhow.”
“Bullshit. This has nothing to do with money. My paintings are selling, the house is almost done, we could get by on a regular wage and you could always top it up with whatever else it is you do. This is about you not wanting to be around anymore.”
“I nearly killed my ass to get back to you. I hate leaving you, you know that.”
“I know you feel guilty, and I know that when you're home, you spend more time in Seattle than you do here. Just admit it, Deke. You can't stand to be alone with me. Shit, you can't even look at me.”
Every word she said was true. When he was away from her, all he wanted was to get back home. But once he was here, he couldn't wait for the next excuse to leave. “That's not true.”
“Isn't it? You've spent more time away than you have at home for the last three months. This is the first time I've seen you for weeks, and you invite Tiny and Beth around, despite the fact that you're planning on taking off again the day after tomorrow.”
“I'm a nomad, baby. You know how it is.”
“You're a coward who's too chicken shit to face up to what happened. You keep coming home hoping that I'll have somehow fixed myself, and when you realize I haven't, you turn tail and run. So I pretend in the vague hope that you'll buy it, and stay.”
It was a slap in the face, and as much as he'd like to deny it, Deke knew he couldn't. So he responded in the only way he knew how. “Wanna take a ride?”
~ oOo ~
It would have been so easy to say yes. To just jump on the back of his bike and ride, chasing the horizon until they couldn't ride any further. To feel his muscles flex as he moved with his bike. To fuck and pretend that everything was fixed. It would have been the easiest thing in the world.
“No, Deke. I want you to listen to what I have to say. I'm tired of pretending that everything's fine. And I'm tired of being terrified that you'll decide that you don't want me anymore. That you'll take to the road and never come back.” She sank down onto the chair and rested her arms in the table. “I'm tired of being a victim.”
Deke sat next to her and took her hand. “Do I make you feel like a victim?”
“No. I make me feel like a victim.” She pressed her hand against her chest. “In here. What those animals did to me... I...” She swallowed and forced down the tears that were threatening to fall. “I carry it with me all the time. I just can't shake it off. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, I can feel their hands on me, smell their breath. I can taste them. I don't know how to make it go away, Deke. And that scares me more than anything.”
“Shit.” He let go of her hand and, pushing his chair back, stood and headed for the door.
“Deke. Don't...”
“I ain't running out on you, baby. I just need some air.” He pulled open the door and took a deep breath. “Maybe you should talk to someone. A shrink or something.”
She shook her head. “I thought about it. But how can I without dragging the club into it? And I have Tiny. He's a real good listener.” She stood and joined him in the doorway. “Come with me. I want to show you something.” Taking his hand, she led him outside to her studio.
~ oOo ~
Fuck! His gut twisted as he stared at the painting on the easel. He'd never fully understood her work, but when he'd looked at her paintings he'd always felt he was viewing the world as she saw it. Bright, colorful and full of joy. That somehow she'd captured the delight of a sunny day, or the beauty of a raindrop on a flower. That she saw the beauty in everything.
“Oh Emma. Oh baby.” He pulled her into his arms and closed his eyes, trying to shut out the dark, ugly, twisted images in front of him. When he found that treacherous fuck responsible for destroying her soul, he was going to rip him apart with his bare hands. “How do I make this right?”
“I don't know. I think that's for me to do.” Her arms slid around his waist and she buried her face in his chest. “Just don't stop loving me. I know I'm not the woman you fell in love with, but I'm trying really hard to be. If I lost you, too, I don't think I'd survive.”
“How could I stop loving you, baby girl? You are the one good thing in my life. You were right when you said I'm a coward. I knew how much you were hurting, but I kidded myself that you would be fine... That you were fine. It should be me begging you to stay. I don't deserve you.”
“You're hurting too, Deke. That's what they wanted. To hurt you. This was never about me – this was about punishing you. When I was alone with them, they talked about leaving you alive but too damaged to ride, so all you had was the memory of them raping and killing me.” Emma pushed herself away from him and looked deep into his eyes. “They didn't succeed. I'm still here and they are dead. We survived.” She smiled. “I know we've got a way to go, but we can get through this. Together.”
“You should hate me for what happened to you. I caused this.”
“No, you didn't. You were trying to right a wrong. You saved me, Deke. You and your brothers are the reason I'm alive. You have to stop blaming yourself.”
He didn't deserve her love. No matter what she said, he was the reason for her pain, but no matter what, he knew he could never walk away from her. “I love you, Emma. Not sure if I'll ever forgive myself, but I promise I will never walk away from you.” He bent and kissed her. “I got a couple of jobs lined up and some unfinished business to take care of, but how about I talk to Bugs about that place at the table? If you're sure you can stand to have me around all the time, that is.”
“Really?”
Oh sweet Jesus, he'd never thought he'd see her smile like that again. “Really. I think it's time for me to lay down some roots.”
TWENTY-ONE
Samson parked the van at the entrance of the trailer park and, stretching, looked over to his companion. “We gonna do this?”
Tiny nodded. “Get the van as close as you can, brother. We don't need him making a break for it. Looks like most folk are still asleep, but we need to get in and out as quick and quiet as we can.”
He didn't need to look at his brother to know how hard he was finding this. Barney was Tiny's oldest friend; they'd prospected together and on two occasions it was the big SAA who'd voted to save his patch. Despite this, as soon as they'd found out he was holed up with an ex on the outskirts of Oakland, he hadn't hesitated. Barney had betrayed them – they still had no idea why – and as Sergeant At Arms it was his responsibility to bring him to justice. Samson took a deep breath. “Okay. Let's get this done.”
When he was clean, Barney had been a good SAA, but thinking had never been his strong point, and the fact that he'd run home was just confirmation of this. It had taken a while, but Samson had always believed that he'd head back to Cali eventually, and when he did, he'd find someone to take him in. The girl he was shacked up with had been hanging around the Bay View clubhouse for years, and when she suddenly stopped turning up for parties, it didn't take a genius to figure out why. Samson couldn't help but wonder whether his former brother had tired of running and was just waiting for the moment they would turn up at his door.
Slowly he drove towards the trailer and killed the engine. Nodding to Tiny, he quietly approached the door and, with remarkable ease, popped the lock. “Okay, brother. You deal with the girl. Keep her quiet till I get that piece of shit into the van. If she doesn't cooperate, kill her.”
Tiny raised an eyebrow. “Don't reckon it'll come to that. She's been around long enough to know how it works.”
Fuck. What was wrong with him? He didn't hurt women. “Just saying, Tiny. Ready?”
“Ready.”
“Morning, shithead.” Samson pressed the barrel of his Glock against Barney's forehead. “Ready to take that ride?”
“Samson! Shit. I....”
“I think the answer you're looking for is yes. Move. Now.” The girl in the bed whimpered as he dragged Barney from the bed and pushed him towards the door. “Get in the van, or your bitch dies too.” He kicked him hard in the small of the back. “Although you don't seem to have a problem with innocent women getting hurt.”
“I.. I had no choice.. They...”
“Shut the fuck up, you junkie piece of crap.” Tiny pulled opened the van doors and shoved him inside. “You gonna take what's coming like a man, or am I gonna have to hog tie you?”
“I..”
Never had the feeling of a man's nose exploding under his fist felt so satisfying. Samson rubbed his knuckles and grinned at Tiny. “Fucker never did know when to shut up. C'mon. Let's get outta here. He's got some questions to answer before he dies.”
