Attired in Highland Gold, page 18
That was on her, and it was a needed defense on his part.
For the past two days, he’d had all meals delivered to his rooms, but had only picked at them, eating when he absolutely had to, though this morning, he’d indulged in a few cups of strong coffee to help fortify his decision. Now, as the longcase clock at the end of the corridor chimed out the eleven o’clock hour, he tugged at the knot of his cravat.
It was time.
“Greyson, I’ll meet you at the coach.”
“Very well, my lord. Things are nearly finished here.” His tone didn’t convey his thoughts on the matter.
“Good.” The sooner he could shake the proverbial dust of this place from his boots, the better. For the foreseeable future, the Highlands would be marred by the events from this autumn, but he would eventually be able to return without the bitterness in his soul as well as a second crack in his heart.
No sooner had he limped into the corridor than Jacob raced over to him, nearly tripping a footman removing the last of the luggage from the room.
“Are you truly going, Lord Everly?”
“I am. My life is in London, and I really should check on my father.” He pressed a hand to his heart. Christ, but he’d miss those children.
The boy frowned. “Is it because we played tricks on you?”
“No, of course not.” He made to move around the lad, but Jacob darted into his path.
“What about me and Susan?” His little chin trembled. “Don’t you like us? Is that why you’re going?”
His heart squeezed so hard that Caelan gasped from the force of it. “Of course I care for you and Susan, but the relationship between your mother and I didn’t work as I’d planned, so I have no choice except to leave.” The boy was old enough to know the truth. Many people would lie to him as life went on, but he refused to be the first. Let his mother do that.
“But...” His eyes filled with tears.
Oh, God. The lump in Caelan’s throat grew, made swallowing difficult. He looked the boy in the eye. “Promise me you will remember your manners and that you will act like a gentleman when you can.”
“I will.” The wobble in his voice nearly brought Caelan to his knees.
“And look after your sister. She needs a man to protect her even if she follows in your mother’s footsteps and says she doesn’t.” What would become of them after he left? His chest constricted as if he’d been shoved into a vice.
I cannot worry about that now. My responsibility has ended.
Before it had a chance to begin.
“All right.” Jacob scrubbed at the moisture on his cheeks. Then he straightened his spine and tugged at the hem of his little jacket as if he were a man, and that made Caelan hurt all the more. “Might you do one thing with me before you go, Lord Everly?”
“Yes, of course.” Except extending the time in the children’s company was only postponing the pain. “What is it?”
Jacob’ face lit with excitement. “We have to follow the will-o’-the-wisps.”
“What?”
“Yes, look!” He pointed.
For the first time, Caelan saw blue tissue paper “flames” that had been dropped randomly along the corridor. He frowned. “What the devil are those?”
“Wisps.” Jacob beamed. “See?”
“Of course.” But he frowned. What was the boy about? “Why?”
The red-haired scamp giggled. “It’s a secret.” He took Caelan’s hand and tugged. “Come on. We have to follow them.”
Having no other recourse except to do as the boy asked, he adjusted his stride to match Jacob’s as they “followed” the wisps. Midway through the twists and turns of the castle’s corridors, Susan joined them.
“Hullo, Lord Everly.” Her face was wreathed in smiles. Dimples flashed in both cheeks while her red curls bounced about her shoulders.
“Hullo, Susan. Are you following wisps as well?” His heart broke all over again to know he’d never see this child once he walked out of the castle.
“Yes.” She took possession of his other hand despite the cane he held, which made walking rather awkward.
“Where are we going?” He didn’t mind that he almost tripped over the cane, for the feel of two little hands in his was sublime.
“It’s a secret,” was all she said with a giggle.
In due course, the three of them arrived at the ballroom. It was also where the trail of the “wisps” ended.
As the children drew him inside, he glanced up and his breath caught. Clara stood in the middle of the highly polished floor. The pale blue gown she wore was almost ethereal in the sunlight that streamed through the windows. A scooped bodice left the tops of her pale breasts on display. A silver ribbon encircled her waist while silver combs held up the sides of her hair. The rest of the curls ran wild down her back, and she looked every inch a wood sprite or a fairy that she apparently pretended to be. Handfuls of tissue paper “wisps” lay scattered at her feet.
His heart gave a mighty leap and shuddered as if it couldn’t figure out if it would resume beating or merely break in half.
Oh, God. She was beautiful, a vision, and all he wanted was to take her into his arms and kiss her until she came to her senses.
“You are supposed to talk to her,” Jacob said in a horrid stage whisper. He gave Caelan’s backside a shove. Susan’s hand slipped from his as she, too, nudged him.
“Right.” He took a few hobbled steps toward her. Pain filled his chest. It was all too much, for he hadn’t meant to see her before he’d left. “Hullo, Mrs. Snyder. I trust you’re well after events two days ago?”
“I am.” She raked her gaze down his person to his ankle that throbbed inside the boot. “And you? Is your ankle worse than before?”
“Not quite, though it hurts like the devil upon occasion.” If they were going to stand here mired in banalities, he wanted no part in prolonging his exit. “If you don’t mind, my coach is waiting.”
“No!” Panic propelled the word from her throat. She took a step forward, and her skirt hem collected a few of the paper flames. “Wait. Please.”
“Why should I? We said everything we needed to the other day.” In this he wouldn’t waver. She obviously wished to remain aloof from his advances; he would respect that. There was only so much a man’s pride could take.
“I didn’t, though.”
“Ah, then you wish to beat me down further?” He refused to give quarter. Not after everything.
“You were correct when you said I was—am—hiding behind fear.”
“I see. Well, now you can go forward with that knowledge and perhaps do with it what you will. I wish you luck in your future endeavors.” He turned to leave. Already, this parting was too much to bear, and he refused to be embarrassed in front of the children.
“Please, Caelan, wait.” So much panic and pain mixed in the plea that his heart squeezed once more.
“Why should I, Clara?” he asked as he faced her once more. “You took my heart and ground it beneath your heel time and time again. Why the devil should I linger for more of the same?”
The sound of tiny feet running echoed off the floor as Susan came over to her. “Mama, you are losing him,” she said in an agonized whisper. “Do something.”
“I know, dearest, but this is a difficult problem to solve.” She raked her fingers through Susan’s hair as she looked at him.
Finally, he understood why he’d been summoned. This was a final desperate attempt on the widow’s part to win him back. His previously sagging spirits lifted. Had she changed her mind but didn’t know what to say? “Perhaps telling me the truth or speaking from your heart instead of your head would prove a good start,” he suggested as he fought to bite back a grin.
“Of course.” She nodded. The delicate tendons of her neck worked with a hard swallow. “When I met you, I convinced myself that I didn’t need a man in my life. However, you are a difficult man to dislodge once you set your mind to something.”
He snorted. “I know what I want.”
“And some people indeed do, but I am not them.”
His excitement dove into the depths once more. “Meaning?” He wouldn’t do her job for her. If she wanted him, she’d need to say it.
“When Johnathan died, I was devastated. I entered a dark place I never thought I could climb out of.” She worried her bottom lip between her teeth. “And then, when everything collapsed seemingly beneath my feet and I couldn’t see any way out, I met you. Light and happiness and hope came with you. I rebelled against all of that because I knew if I let you, you’d climb right into my heart, and that would give you the power to hurt me.”
“Like Johnathan did when he left.” Now he understood the root of her fear. “You are still angry with him.” And none of it had anything to do with him. Some of his confidence wavered.
“Yes.” Clara nodded. “He left without a word, without warning, left me with twin babies. There was so much undone, and love doesn’t just stop because there is no body to go with it any longer.”
“I can sympathize.” But that didn’t mean his heart wasn’t still breaking.
She nodded. “I was—am—angry with him yet, but then guilt swoops in and tells me I shouldn’t be, for life must be lived. It’s an exhausting cycle.”
“Indeed, it is.” And he couldn’t solve the puzzle for her.
“But you were there and caring. You showed me so much support and tenderness. I thought healing had finally begun.” She shook her head. “But how could I put myself through that a second time when I’m barely able to make sense of his passing now?”
“That’s understandable, and though I’m content to wait while you sort yourself, I cannot be patient when you keep pushing me away. I need hope too, Clara.” Unless she spoke the words he desperately wished to hear, he would still leave as planned.
I have to protect my heart too.
A choked sort of sob escaped her. “I’ve come to realize that recently, and I cannot do this on my own. On the heels of that, I know I’ve acted like a widgeon, all because I’m terrified of what might happen if I leave my heart open and vulnerable, if I invite you into my broken mess of a life.”
“Yet?” He cocked an eyebrow and adjusted his grip on the head of the cane.
Her eyes filled with tears that magnified the blue depths. The twins exchanged panicked, confused glances.
“After seeing Mary in her happiness at accepting Brody’s suit regardless of her heart being broken by a man years before, after seeing the joy of your cousin Benedict and his wife, after remembering all your words of support and guidance, I’ve...”
“Yes?” He could barely breathe so great was his anticipation.
“I...” As she sniffled, Clara put a hand into a clever pocket sewn into her skirts. When she withdrew a brass key, she held it up from a ribbon the same shade as her gown. “I’m giving you this.”
He frowned. “A key?” What the devil did that mean?
“It’s symbolic, of course, but I would like you to accept this as a key to my heart.” The bauble twisted from the ribbon and caught the sunlight. “I want you to be the man to unlock it again. Hopefully keep it that way. For a lifetime.”
Shock went through his chest, quickly followed by humble flattery. Aware the children looked on in varying degrees of hope and fear, he sighed. “Is it enough? Will you ever love me, Clara? Love me as much as you love Johnathan?”
“I...”
“Ah.” Slowly, he shook his head. After all, he’d never made a secret of his feelings for her, and she’d hinted that she cared for him, but had never said the words. “A lifetime is a long while. I cannot, in good conscience, be with a woman who will never love me with everything she is.” He took a step backward, more for show than anything else. “I am an all or nothing man. I want a woman—I want you—in every way possible. Body, heart, soul. If even one of those components is missing, romance won’t work.”
“Please don’t go.” A sob quickly followed the words while both twins rushed to grab his hands. Clara came toward him another few steps as the brass ring tumbled from her fingers. It pinged against the floor. “You’re right. Of course you are. I owe you this and so much more.” Twin spots of color blazed on her pale cheeks. The freckles there were all too evident, and he adored every one of them.
“Then, is there something else you would say to me that might sway my decision?” It wasn’t well done of him to tease, but he couldn’t help it. He needed to hear the words.
“Yes.” She brushed at the tears on her cheeks. “I love you, Caelan, and I have since the afternoon in the library. Fear held me back, but I’m slowly breaking free of its hold.”
Jacob frowned as he bounced his gaze between them. “What happened in the library, Mama?”
Heat went up the back of Caelan’s neck. Oh, they would indeed be trouble.
“That’s a story for when you’re older.” The sunlight turned her hair to molten brass as she closed the distance. From the same pocket in her skirts, Clara withdrew a ring—a plain band—made from the same tissue paper as the wisps. “What I’m trying to say is this.” She raised tear-filled eyes to his, and he was lost in those blue pools. “Will you marry me—marry us? I want to spend the rest of my life with you if you’ll have me. Broken pieces and all.”
Oh, dear God. She loves me. That emotion was evident and quite prominent in her expression. It made her seem as if lit from within. There was nothing false about it. His heart ached from the beauty of finally hearing those words after the emotional journey he’d been thrust upon.
Susan tugged at the hem of his jacket as he stood frozen in place. “You are supposed to say yes, Lord Everly.”
Yanked from his temporarily stupor, Caelan chuckled. For the moment, he only had eyes for Clara. “Isn’t a proposal the man’s responsibility?”
An adorable flush went through her cheeks. “Yes, but I messed up that opportunity, and I feared I wouldn’t have another from you.” She held out her palm. The paper ring rested there, and it was the most valuable and heartfelt thing anyone had ever offered him.
Almost reverently, he took the ring and carefully slipped it onto the fourth finger of his left hand. The cracks in his heart began to knit themselves back together. “I would be delighted and honored to marry you, Clara, for I’ve loved you since the first moment I fell at your feet.”
“Oh, Caelan...” A sob of relief escaped her.
“That’s because I tripped you, Lord Everly,” Jacob said proudly with a puffed-out chest. “You looked like a jolly man to play a trick on.”
“As it turns out, it was a good decision.” Then he and Clara moved together at the same time. Once she was firmly in his embrace, he kissed her, quite thoroughly, until both children pushed them apart and chattered about engagements and parties and dancing and where they would all live.
Moisture filled his eyes, and he didn’t try to stop the tears of gratitude and joy from falling to his cheeks. It was important for the twins to see that a man could still be strong even while showing emotion. He kneeled in front of them and reeled them into his arms. “If it weren’t for you scamps, none of this would have been possible.”
And very nearly wasn’t because of them too. They were a riddle he would happily spend the rest of his life trying to solve.
Then he raised his head and looked at his bride-to-be. There were many details still to work out, but they would keep. “I suppose I need to find Greyson and ask the footmen to return my luggage to my rooms.”
“We’ll do it!” Both Jacob and Susan uttered the exclamation at the same time.
“And no tricks!” Caelan called at their backs as he struggled to his feet once more.
Clara came easily into his arms a second time. “I cannot promise that I won’t be inundated by grief and other things from time to time, but with your help, I hope the gulf of depression won’t consume me.”
“I’ll try my level best to prevent that from happening, for I struggle with those things at times too.” He took his time in kissing her, and when he pulled away, he sighed. “You’re allowed to feel sadness while being happy. Life isn’t an all or nothing sort of thing, but you won’t be alone any longer. Beyond that, whatever you decide to do in your life—for you beyond the role of wife and mother—I will fully support.”
“Thank you.” She rose onto her toes and pressed her lips to his. “Thank you for never giving up on me.”
“I very nearly did. That’s how much I was hurt.” His heart squeezed, this time in joy, and he wrapped his arms around her. “Later tonight, though, I will show you exactly how much I adore you, and I aim to count every one of those freckles you despise.”
Caelan gained his rooms just after the longcase clock struck the midnight hour. Dinner had been a jubilant affair with congratulations all around and many toasts that followed. He’d stayed in the dining hall to have a few drinks with his cousins and receive teasing from then regarding his reinjured ankle as well as his paper engagement ring.
Now, barely had he dismissed Greyson’s services and peeled off his jacket as well as his waistcoat than his door opened, and Clara sneaked into his bedchamber.
“Dear God, you’re magnificent.” Clad in a diaphanous pale blue wrapper and night gown with her hair in a red waterfall down her back, she was much like a wraith or fairy in the dimly lit room. He yanked his shirt up and off his body, tossing it to the floor then caught her in his arms. “Are the twins well?”
“Yes. They were tired so fell into bed without complaint. Their maid is standing guard with orders to not let them out of her sight, no matter what they may tell her.” She stepped into the circle of his arms, and immediately need shivered along his shaft. “Which gives me some time to fall into bed with you.”
“No complaints here.” He kissed her briefly then moved away in order to toe off his boots. Pain twitched in his left ankle, and he winced, but he’d be damned to if he let something like that keep him from his goal. The boots fell to the floor with dull thuds. Then he embraced her once more, walked her backward over the hardwood until the side of the bed prevented further movement. “I hope you’ve made plans to stay all night, for I’ve no intention of letting you go until dawn breaks.”
