Only You, page 17
“Not goodbye.” Determination filled me. “I’ve spent my life running from anything that might hurt me, but I’m done. I know with my very being that I will never intentionally hurt you again.”
“Brodan—”
“You don’t believe me. I know. I understand why. But you will believe me, eventually. I’m going to prove it. Just give me time.”
“For what purpose?” She looked so exhausted I wanted to take her in my arms and keep her there forever.
However, patience was required for that outcome.
“To be with you,” I answered honestly.
Her lips parted in shock.
“I want what I could have had if I hadn’t acted like a frightened wee boy when we were kids. I want you.” Deciding she’d had enough shocks for one day, I gave her a small smile and stood up to close her door.
The memory of her stunned expression made me smile sadly to myself as I walked toward my SUV. Patience wasn’t one of my virtues, but for Monroe, I’d have all the patience in the world. Fear lingered in the background, just as Lachlan had warned, but I was done letting it win.
21
Monroe
I still wasn’t quite sure how this had happened.
One minute I’d been sitting in the caravan, marking my kids’ jotters, watching the sky darken before four thirty. And in what seemed like the next minute, I was standing in Mackennon Galbraith’s cottage.
The knock landed on the door after the grind of kicked-up gravel drew me to the caravan window. To my surprise, two SUVs had parked beside my car, and then two very tall men jumped out of them. The security light outside the caravan door revealed them, and I drew in a breath at the sight of Brodan and Mac.
What the hell were they doing here?
The last few days had taken their toll. I was emotionally and physically drained by what had been revealed, still reeling from Brodan’s pronouncement that he wanted me.
As much as I hated to admit it, a small part of me still belonged to the girl from the past, and she experienced a flare of relief and exultation. However, grown-up me didn’t believe him. He was guided (or misguided) by guilt, and soon enough he’d realize what a mistake the two of us were together. We were from different worlds now. I was a primary school teacher, and he was a famous Hollywood actor. We made little sense. But the most important roadblock between us was my lack of trust in him.
I’d promised myself after the relationship with Steven turned violent that I’d never again allow a man to treat me like his punching bag, emotionally or physically.
Brodan’s vow to never mistreat me felt like an empty pledge in the face of his past actions.
Which was why I was genuinely surprised to see him the evening after our moment in my car, now standing on the caravan steps with Mac.
I opened the door, licking my lips in nervousness, and Brodan stared at me wide-eyed for a second. Mac nudged him and cleared his throat. Brodan blinked rapidly and then walked right in.
Huffing in exasperation, I stepped back to allow Mac in too. They dwarfed the caravan as they looked around the small space. “Uh … can I help you?”
Brodan turned to me, his expression granite with determination. “It’s Baltic in here, and you’re not staying in this death trap any longer.”
“Excuse me—”
“He’s right,” Mac cut me off. “Gordon’s caravan is old. It’s not built with the proper insulation like the newer models in his park. You can’t stay here in the winter, Monroe.”
I raised an eyebrow at their bossiness. “You must be Mac.”
He held out his hand. “Apologies. Mac Galbraith. Nice to officially meet you.”
Shaking his big hand, staring up close into his ruggedly handsome face, I could certainly see the attraction. Brodan and Lachlan were the tallest of the Adairs, but Mac had height even on them. I was tiny next to him, and he was overwhelmingly masculine. “You too. Though I’m still confused by what you both expect to achieve here.”
Brodan grinned at my schoolteacher voice, and I grew still at the affection in his smile. I hadn’t seen that look in eighteen years. “We’re moving you out. Right now.”
Flabbergasted, I threw my hands up. “To where?”
“My cottage on Castle Street,” Mac supplied, his gaze darting around the caravan again. “I have a tenancy agreement in the car you can read over. For now, let’s get you packed up. Any of the kitchen appliances belong to you?”
I shook my head, too flustered to speak.
“Okay. I don’t think we’ll need too many boxes, but I’ll grab some from the car.” Mac disappeared out of the caravan.
I whirled on Brodan already walking toward the bedroom. “What are you doing?”
“Do you have a suitcase in here?”
“Under the bed,” I answered without thinking. “Brodan! You can’t just barge in here and take over.”
“I can when your stubborn pride is keeping you in this shithole,” he threw back. “I should have gotten you out of here weeks ago.”
“It’s not your place—” I cut off abruptly at the sight of him on his knees by the bed. “What are you doing?”
He reached under it, and my suitcase appeared, along with a shoebox. My cheeks flushed, my heart racing.
“What’s in—”
“Don’t!”
But it was too late.
He’d taken the lid off the shoebox.
Nosy bugger.
Feeling hot all over, I watched Brodan glance up from the contents with laughter on his lips and the mischief I remembered so well in his eyes. He lifted my pink vibrator out of the box. “Are you sure it’s big enough?” he teased.
I lunged over the bed and snatched it out of his hand. “Put that back!”
“It’s an honest question. I mean, I’m feeling a wee bit inadequate after seeing that.”
“Shut up.” I shoved it in the box, slamming the lid back on. “You can’t just come in here and start nosing around in my things.”
“Why? Do you have more sex toys lying around I should know about?” He peeked under the bed. “I’m surprised they’d fit with that thing taking up so much room.”
“I’m going to kill you.”
He stood up, chuckling. “Don’t be embarrassed, Roe. Masturbation is perfectly natural, even if your choice of toys is not.”
“You’re a bastard.”
Brodan’s laughter filled the caravan as I grabbed the suitcase out of his hand and threw open the small wardrobe. I pulled clothes off their hangers and tensed as Brodan hovered near my back.
“Is that all you’ve got with you? Where’re the rest of your clothes?”
“These are all of my clothes,” I gritted out between clenched teeth.
He grunted, sounding agitated.
Embarrassed, I turned to glower at him. “Not all of us are made of money and can afford a house-sized wardrobe filled with clothes.”
Those pale eyes locked onto mine. “I’m not judging you, Sunset.”
The nickname tore through me. “Brodan—”
“I should have been taking care of you,” he said with gruff self-reproach.
I stiffened. “I take care of myself. And anyway”—I turned to the closet—“I’m not yours to take care of.”
There was a moment of silence and then I felt his heat score along my back. His breath tickled my ear as he leaned in, scattering goose bumps down my spine. “You’ve always been mine to take care of. And today is the day I stop failing at it.”
“Got the boxes!” Mac called from the other end of the caravan, and I let out a breath as Brodan moved away.
It took less than half an hour to pack up my life, and I think I found that more depressing than anything. Ultimately, I let Brodan and Mac move me out of the caravan, because I knew they were both right. Living there in the cold autumn had been miserable, and I could only imagine winter would be horrendous.
Trying to exorcise Brodan’s words to me in the bedroom, I followed them in a bit of a daze, driving my car out of the park and down the country road toward the center of the village. I parked in the allocated parking spot behind the row houses, and because there was no back door, I walked around the building to Castle Street where Brodan and Mac had parked out front of the cottage.
Touring the row house, I decided I didn’t care if the whole situation was a sting to my pride. The cottage was lovely. It was comfortable and inviting. The front door led into the sitting room, with the staircase against the wall directly opposite the entrance. A wood burner (heaven!) sat in the corner of the living room, and of the two dark, worn leather sofas, one pointed toward the fire, the other toward the huge TV mounted on the wall. An actual television. It felt like forever since I’d had one of those. There were tartan cushions and throw blankets, footstools, and a battered wooden coffee table.
A doorway at the back of the room led into a small kitchen. It had been renovated and was very modern with sleek white cabinets, white tile flooring, and a gray quartz countertop. Lovely. A door off the kitchen led to a small downstairs bathroom.
Upstairs was a tidy guest bedroom and a primary bedroom. The main bedroom wasn’t massive but cozy. An original fireplace must’ve been used by the prior tenants because there was ash in the grate and a basket of fresh firewood next to it. A fire in the bedroom too? This really was heaven. The bed took up most of the space, and the frame was made of solid dark oak. A pile of decorative cushions over plump, luxurious pillows made me want to dive right into it.
Yup, definitely worth my pride, I decided as I signed the tenancy agreement. I knew for a fact Mac and Arro were charging me way less rent than what the place was worth. That stung, too, but I was also incredibly grateful and told Mac so. He shrugged uncomfortably. “By Arro, Arran, and Brodan’s account, you’re family. We take care of our family.”
Emotion clogged my throat, and I met Brodan’s searching gaze.
“I told you,” he said quietly. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right.”
Trepidation filled me. “The cottage is lovely, Brodan, but you must know that it’s not enough. I can’t be bought.”
“I know that.” His gaze moved to Mac.
Mac gave him an abrupt nod before informing me, “There’s some food in the fridge, some milk. Here are your keys and my number.” He held out said keys and a card. “You give me a shout if you need anything.”
I took them. “Thank you again. Tell Arro I’ll call her.”
“I will do.” He nodded at me, turned, and patted Brodan on the shoulder before walking out of the cottage.
As soon as the cottage door closed gently behind him, Brodan stepped toward me.
I tensed warily.
A flash of pain crossed his expression, but he halted. “If you’re not too tired, I wondered if we could talk? There are some things that happened all those years ago that I want you to know.”
To be honest, I wasn’t sure my heart could take much more, but I’d spewed all my hurt at him on the beach, only to learn he had tried to reach out to me. Only my mother stood in my way. Again. I hadn’t had time to fully process the wounds my mum had inflicted, but it eased me somewhat to know that Brodan hadn’t just walked away.
So maybe, even if it changed little between us, it was only right I give him a chance to tell his side of the story.
“All right.”
He was surprised by my capitulation but nodded grimly. “Shall we sit?”
I glanced down at the comfortable sofas. A place I could sit with the TV on, marking the kids’ work in comfort. A place I could take a nap on lazy Saturday afternoons while the wood burner crackled warmly in the corner.
It reminded me of a little cottage I had when I worked in the Lowlands. I could have that again and be able to afford it myself almost anywhere but Ardnoch. So it mattered little what Brodan confessed tonight. I’d still be leaving next year.
Why did I need to remind myself of that?
A warning bell rang in the back of my mind, but I shut it off. “I could check to see if there’s coffee or tea in the kitchen.”
He nodded, nervously. “A cup of tea would be great.”
Worried that Brodan seemed anxious when I didn’t think he ever got nervous, I shot him a wary look and wandered into the kitchen. What I hadn’t noticed before was that Arro had left me a hamper filled with tea and coffee, biscuits, crackers, cheese, and all different snacks. Warmth filled me. She was a good ’un, that Arrochar Galbraith.
A few minutes later, I returned to the living room to find Brodan had shrugged out of his jacket and was sitting on one of the sofas. I set down the tray of tea and snacks, took hold of my cup, and sat on the opposite sofa.
“Help yourself to some snacks. Arro left me a hamper.”
Brodan smiled. “She’s very mothering under that no-nonsense facade.”
“She’s been lovely to me.” I met Brodan’s gaze. Before, I hadn’t thought him entitled to know, but after hearing about his letter, I decided to put the information out there. “I don’t remember most of that night with Arran. I was so drunk … all I really remember is you showing up. And I got so drunk because Arran confirmed you were serious about Vanessa.”
He studied me with such a neutral expression I didn’t know what to think. Then Brodan sighed heavily. “I told you the truth—I’m not angry about that night anymore. Arran and I got over it. Besides, as Arran has reminded me many times, you weren’t my girlfriend. I made sure of that.”
I wanted to ask why, but I was afraid he’d misinterpret my need to know the truth as evidence I could be won over again.
Brodan settled back against the sofa, the shadows of sadness in the back of his eyes pushing to the forefront. I didn’t want to feel sympathy for him, but my love for the boy he’d once been still existed. Still made me feel things I didn’t want to.
“I loved you so much, Roe,” he confessed hoarsely.
Every muscle in my body tensed as my heart leapt in my chest.
I saw the ghosts in his eyes haunting him. And I realized I was one of those ghosts. All this time … I had mattered to him once.
“I was terrified. I am terrified.”
“Of what?”
“Losing you.” He shrugged wearily. “We lost Mum and then my aunt. Watching Dad become this half person without Mum, I never wanted to let loving someone do that to me. When we were kids, it was fine. I feared losing you as I would be of losing anyone I loved, but as we got older and I realized I was in love with you, I tried to bury the feelings.”
Compassion and hurt mingled. “Did you know I was in love with you?”
“I suspected it. Then you told me when you were drunk.”
My cheeks heated, remembering it. “It was mortifying.”
Brodan shook his head. “Never be mortified. It made me so happy, but it scared me shitless more. So I lied to you. I told you I had a girlfriend.”
I jolted. “You lied about Vanessa?”
He nodded, shamefaced. “I thought if you thought I was dating someone else, you’d move on.” He laughed harshly. “I just wasn’t prepared for what that would look like. What it would feel like. When I saw you with Arran … fuck, Roe, it was like someone tore out my guts. Is that what I did to you? With the girls? With Vanessa?”
I didn’t want to go back there. I didn’t want to relive it. “Brodan …”
“Never mind.” He exhaled. “I lied to Arran about her, too, to sell the lie. But I never lied to her. Vanessa … we were just casual. But bringing her back to the castle sent mixed messages.”
“She thought you were getting serious about her?”
“I made it clear that we weren’t.” He looked agonized now, and my heart raced with trepidation. “I swear, Roe, I made it clear. I’ve gone over and over all the moments together I can remember, and I made it clear.”
“What happened?”
“It wasn’t just on a whim that I came home that night. Something had happened the night before and … I just … needed you.” His eyes brightened. “I’ve told no one this story.”
Blood whooshed in my ears. “Brodan …”
“A group of us went to Vanessa’s house. It was meant to be a casual hang. She lived in a big house in the country just outside Anstruther. Her parents were supposed to be down south for the weekend, but they came home that night. Vanessa left the room to talk with her parents, and we could hear her dad shouting. When she came back, her cheek was bright red, and I knew the bastard had hit her, but she wouldn’t talk about it. She told us that her parents agreed we could stay the night, but we had to leave in the morning. An hour passed, and then her dad came into the room we were all hanging out in, and he had a shotgun.”
My whole body chilled as Brodan’s voice deepened with the memory.
“Oh my God.”
“He was wasted and easily antagonized. Well … he wouldn’t let us out of the room. He held us at gunpoint, laughing like it was a big joke one minute, foaming at the mouth in rage the next. The girls were crying, even a few of the lads. The bastard didn’t care he was traumatizing us,” he sneered.
“What happened?”
“He eventually let us leave, but one of the guys called the police, despite Vanessa begging him not to. For Vanessa’s sake, I refused to give a statement. And because of Lachlan’s fame, they all agreed to keep my name out of it, otherwise it would blow up in the press. As it was, it made local news, and her dad was arrested. He did six months for it. I broke off the casual relationship with Vanessa that night. It was one of the shittiest things I’ve done. I was young and scared, and I didn’t want to get tangled up in her mess when I wasn’t serious about her. I know it was selfish. No one could berate me for it more than I already have.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, hating that he’d gone through that … and then come home for comfort only to find me with Arran. Suddenly, his violent reaction that night made more sense. He was already on the edge, and we’d flipped him right over it.
“The weeks after it, she texted me. She showed up at my classes, practically begging me to take her back … to help her get away from her dad. I told her I would help her with the latter, but that I couldn’t be her boyfriend. She didn’t want one without the other.” He shifted forward in his seat. “I was impatient with her.”
“Brodan—”
“You don’t believe me. I know. I understand why. But you will believe me, eventually. I’m going to prove it. Just give me time.”
“For what purpose?” She looked so exhausted I wanted to take her in my arms and keep her there forever.
However, patience was required for that outcome.
“To be with you,” I answered honestly.
Her lips parted in shock.
“I want what I could have had if I hadn’t acted like a frightened wee boy when we were kids. I want you.” Deciding she’d had enough shocks for one day, I gave her a small smile and stood up to close her door.
The memory of her stunned expression made me smile sadly to myself as I walked toward my SUV. Patience wasn’t one of my virtues, but for Monroe, I’d have all the patience in the world. Fear lingered in the background, just as Lachlan had warned, but I was done letting it win.
21
Monroe
I still wasn’t quite sure how this had happened.
One minute I’d been sitting in the caravan, marking my kids’ jotters, watching the sky darken before four thirty. And in what seemed like the next minute, I was standing in Mackennon Galbraith’s cottage.
The knock landed on the door after the grind of kicked-up gravel drew me to the caravan window. To my surprise, two SUVs had parked beside my car, and then two very tall men jumped out of them. The security light outside the caravan door revealed them, and I drew in a breath at the sight of Brodan and Mac.
What the hell were they doing here?
The last few days had taken their toll. I was emotionally and physically drained by what had been revealed, still reeling from Brodan’s pronouncement that he wanted me.
As much as I hated to admit it, a small part of me still belonged to the girl from the past, and she experienced a flare of relief and exultation. However, grown-up me didn’t believe him. He was guided (or misguided) by guilt, and soon enough he’d realize what a mistake the two of us were together. We were from different worlds now. I was a primary school teacher, and he was a famous Hollywood actor. We made little sense. But the most important roadblock between us was my lack of trust in him.
I’d promised myself after the relationship with Steven turned violent that I’d never again allow a man to treat me like his punching bag, emotionally or physically.
Brodan’s vow to never mistreat me felt like an empty pledge in the face of his past actions.
Which was why I was genuinely surprised to see him the evening after our moment in my car, now standing on the caravan steps with Mac.
I opened the door, licking my lips in nervousness, and Brodan stared at me wide-eyed for a second. Mac nudged him and cleared his throat. Brodan blinked rapidly and then walked right in.
Huffing in exasperation, I stepped back to allow Mac in too. They dwarfed the caravan as they looked around the small space. “Uh … can I help you?”
Brodan turned to me, his expression granite with determination. “It’s Baltic in here, and you’re not staying in this death trap any longer.”
“Excuse me—”
“He’s right,” Mac cut me off. “Gordon’s caravan is old. It’s not built with the proper insulation like the newer models in his park. You can’t stay here in the winter, Monroe.”
I raised an eyebrow at their bossiness. “You must be Mac.”
He held out his hand. “Apologies. Mac Galbraith. Nice to officially meet you.”
Shaking his big hand, staring up close into his ruggedly handsome face, I could certainly see the attraction. Brodan and Lachlan were the tallest of the Adairs, but Mac had height even on them. I was tiny next to him, and he was overwhelmingly masculine. “You too. Though I’m still confused by what you both expect to achieve here.”
Brodan grinned at my schoolteacher voice, and I grew still at the affection in his smile. I hadn’t seen that look in eighteen years. “We’re moving you out. Right now.”
Flabbergasted, I threw my hands up. “To where?”
“My cottage on Castle Street,” Mac supplied, his gaze darting around the caravan again. “I have a tenancy agreement in the car you can read over. For now, let’s get you packed up. Any of the kitchen appliances belong to you?”
I shook my head, too flustered to speak.
“Okay. I don’t think we’ll need too many boxes, but I’ll grab some from the car.” Mac disappeared out of the caravan.
I whirled on Brodan already walking toward the bedroom. “What are you doing?”
“Do you have a suitcase in here?”
“Under the bed,” I answered without thinking. “Brodan! You can’t just barge in here and take over.”
“I can when your stubborn pride is keeping you in this shithole,” he threw back. “I should have gotten you out of here weeks ago.”
“It’s not your place—” I cut off abruptly at the sight of him on his knees by the bed. “What are you doing?”
He reached under it, and my suitcase appeared, along with a shoebox. My cheeks flushed, my heart racing.
“What’s in—”
“Don’t!”
But it was too late.
He’d taken the lid off the shoebox.
Nosy bugger.
Feeling hot all over, I watched Brodan glance up from the contents with laughter on his lips and the mischief I remembered so well in his eyes. He lifted my pink vibrator out of the box. “Are you sure it’s big enough?” he teased.
I lunged over the bed and snatched it out of his hand. “Put that back!”
“It’s an honest question. I mean, I’m feeling a wee bit inadequate after seeing that.”
“Shut up.” I shoved it in the box, slamming the lid back on. “You can’t just come in here and start nosing around in my things.”
“Why? Do you have more sex toys lying around I should know about?” He peeked under the bed. “I’m surprised they’d fit with that thing taking up so much room.”
“I’m going to kill you.”
He stood up, chuckling. “Don’t be embarrassed, Roe. Masturbation is perfectly natural, even if your choice of toys is not.”
“You’re a bastard.”
Brodan’s laughter filled the caravan as I grabbed the suitcase out of his hand and threw open the small wardrobe. I pulled clothes off their hangers and tensed as Brodan hovered near my back.
“Is that all you’ve got with you? Where’re the rest of your clothes?”
“These are all of my clothes,” I gritted out between clenched teeth.
He grunted, sounding agitated.
Embarrassed, I turned to glower at him. “Not all of us are made of money and can afford a house-sized wardrobe filled with clothes.”
Those pale eyes locked onto mine. “I’m not judging you, Sunset.”
The nickname tore through me. “Brodan—”
“I should have been taking care of you,” he said with gruff self-reproach.
I stiffened. “I take care of myself. And anyway”—I turned to the closet—“I’m not yours to take care of.”
There was a moment of silence and then I felt his heat score along my back. His breath tickled my ear as he leaned in, scattering goose bumps down my spine. “You’ve always been mine to take care of. And today is the day I stop failing at it.”
“Got the boxes!” Mac called from the other end of the caravan, and I let out a breath as Brodan moved away.
It took less than half an hour to pack up my life, and I think I found that more depressing than anything. Ultimately, I let Brodan and Mac move me out of the caravan, because I knew they were both right. Living there in the cold autumn had been miserable, and I could only imagine winter would be horrendous.
Trying to exorcise Brodan’s words to me in the bedroom, I followed them in a bit of a daze, driving my car out of the park and down the country road toward the center of the village. I parked in the allocated parking spot behind the row houses, and because there was no back door, I walked around the building to Castle Street where Brodan and Mac had parked out front of the cottage.
Touring the row house, I decided I didn’t care if the whole situation was a sting to my pride. The cottage was lovely. It was comfortable and inviting. The front door led into the sitting room, with the staircase against the wall directly opposite the entrance. A wood burner (heaven!) sat in the corner of the living room, and of the two dark, worn leather sofas, one pointed toward the fire, the other toward the huge TV mounted on the wall. An actual television. It felt like forever since I’d had one of those. There were tartan cushions and throw blankets, footstools, and a battered wooden coffee table.
A doorway at the back of the room led into a small kitchen. It had been renovated and was very modern with sleek white cabinets, white tile flooring, and a gray quartz countertop. Lovely. A door off the kitchen led to a small downstairs bathroom.
Upstairs was a tidy guest bedroom and a primary bedroom. The main bedroom wasn’t massive but cozy. An original fireplace must’ve been used by the prior tenants because there was ash in the grate and a basket of fresh firewood next to it. A fire in the bedroom too? This really was heaven. The bed took up most of the space, and the frame was made of solid dark oak. A pile of decorative cushions over plump, luxurious pillows made me want to dive right into it.
Yup, definitely worth my pride, I decided as I signed the tenancy agreement. I knew for a fact Mac and Arro were charging me way less rent than what the place was worth. That stung, too, but I was also incredibly grateful and told Mac so. He shrugged uncomfortably. “By Arro, Arran, and Brodan’s account, you’re family. We take care of our family.”
Emotion clogged my throat, and I met Brodan’s searching gaze.
“I told you,” he said quietly. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right.”
Trepidation filled me. “The cottage is lovely, Brodan, but you must know that it’s not enough. I can’t be bought.”
“I know that.” His gaze moved to Mac.
Mac gave him an abrupt nod before informing me, “There’s some food in the fridge, some milk. Here are your keys and my number.” He held out said keys and a card. “You give me a shout if you need anything.”
I took them. “Thank you again. Tell Arro I’ll call her.”
“I will do.” He nodded at me, turned, and patted Brodan on the shoulder before walking out of the cottage.
As soon as the cottage door closed gently behind him, Brodan stepped toward me.
I tensed warily.
A flash of pain crossed his expression, but he halted. “If you’re not too tired, I wondered if we could talk? There are some things that happened all those years ago that I want you to know.”
To be honest, I wasn’t sure my heart could take much more, but I’d spewed all my hurt at him on the beach, only to learn he had tried to reach out to me. Only my mother stood in my way. Again. I hadn’t had time to fully process the wounds my mum had inflicted, but it eased me somewhat to know that Brodan hadn’t just walked away.
So maybe, even if it changed little between us, it was only right I give him a chance to tell his side of the story.
“All right.”
He was surprised by my capitulation but nodded grimly. “Shall we sit?”
I glanced down at the comfortable sofas. A place I could sit with the TV on, marking the kids’ work in comfort. A place I could take a nap on lazy Saturday afternoons while the wood burner crackled warmly in the corner.
It reminded me of a little cottage I had when I worked in the Lowlands. I could have that again and be able to afford it myself almost anywhere but Ardnoch. So it mattered little what Brodan confessed tonight. I’d still be leaving next year.
Why did I need to remind myself of that?
A warning bell rang in the back of my mind, but I shut it off. “I could check to see if there’s coffee or tea in the kitchen.”
He nodded, nervously. “A cup of tea would be great.”
Worried that Brodan seemed anxious when I didn’t think he ever got nervous, I shot him a wary look and wandered into the kitchen. What I hadn’t noticed before was that Arro had left me a hamper filled with tea and coffee, biscuits, crackers, cheese, and all different snacks. Warmth filled me. She was a good ’un, that Arrochar Galbraith.
A few minutes later, I returned to the living room to find Brodan had shrugged out of his jacket and was sitting on one of the sofas. I set down the tray of tea and snacks, took hold of my cup, and sat on the opposite sofa.
“Help yourself to some snacks. Arro left me a hamper.”
Brodan smiled. “She’s very mothering under that no-nonsense facade.”
“She’s been lovely to me.” I met Brodan’s gaze. Before, I hadn’t thought him entitled to know, but after hearing about his letter, I decided to put the information out there. “I don’t remember most of that night with Arran. I was so drunk … all I really remember is you showing up. And I got so drunk because Arran confirmed you were serious about Vanessa.”
He studied me with such a neutral expression I didn’t know what to think. Then Brodan sighed heavily. “I told you the truth—I’m not angry about that night anymore. Arran and I got over it. Besides, as Arran has reminded me many times, you weren’t my girlfriend. I made sure of that.”
I wanted to ask why, but I was afraid he’d misinterpret my need to know the truth as evidence I could be won over again.
Brodan settled back against the sofa, the shadows of sadness in the back of his eyes pushing to the forefront. I didn’t want to feel sympathy for him, but my love for the boy he’d once been still existed. Still made me feel things I didn’t want to.
“I loved you so much, Roe,” he confessed hoarsely.
Every muscle in my body tensed as my heart leapt in my chest.
I saw the ghosts in his eyes haunting him. And I realized I was one of those ghosts. All this time … I had mattered to him once.
“I was terrified. I am terrified.”
“Of what?”
“Losing you.” He shrugged wearily. “We lost Mum and then my aunt. Watching Dad become this half person without Mum, I never wanted to let loving someone do that to me. When we were kids, it was fine. I feared losing you as I would be of losing anyone I loved, but as we got older and I realized I was in love with you, I tried to bury the feelings.”
Compassion and hurt mingled. “Did you know I was in love with you?”
“I suspected it. Then you told me when you were drunk.”
My cheeks heated, remembering it. “It was mortifying.”
Brodan shook his head. “Never be mortified. It made me so happy, but it scared me shitless more. So I lied to you. I told you I had a girlfriend.”
I jolted. “You lied about Vanessa?”
He nodded, shamefaced. “I thought if you thought I was dating someone else, you’d move on.” He laughed harshly. “I just wasn’t prepared for what that would look like. What it would feel like. When I saw you with Arran … fuck, Roe, it was like someone tore out my guts. Is that what I did to you? With the girls? With Vanessa?”
I didn’t want to go back there. I didn’t want to relive it. “Brodan …”
“Never mind.” He exhaled. “I lied to Arran about her, too, to sell the lie. But I never lied to her. Vanessa … we were just casual. But bringing her back to the castle sent mixed messages.”
“She thought you were getting serious about her?”
“I made it clear that we weren’t.” He looked agonized now, and my heart raced with trepidation. “I swear, Roe, I made it clear. I’ve gone over and over all the moments together I can remember, and I made it clear.”
“What happened?”
“It wasn’t just on a whim that I came home that night. Something had happened the night before and … I just … needed you.” His eyes brightened. “I’ve told no one this story.”
Blood whooshed in my ears. “Brodan …”
“A group of us went to Vanessa’s house. It was meant to be a casual hang. She lived in a big house in the country just outside Anstruther. Her parents were supposed to be down south for the weekend, but they came home that night. Vanessa left the room to talk with her parents, and we could hear her dad shouting. When she came back, her cheek was bright red, and I knew the bastard had hit her, but she wouldn’t talk about it. She told us that her parents agreed we could stay the night, but we had to leave in the morning. An hour passed, and then her dad came into the room we were all hanging out in, and he had a shotgun.”
My whole body chilled as Brodan’s voice deepened with the memory.
“Oh my God.”
“He was wasted and easily antagonized. Well … he wouldn’t let us out of the room. He held us at gunpoint, laughing like it was a big joke one minute, foaming at the mouth in rage the next. The girls were crying, even a few of the lads. The bastard didn’t care he was traumatizing us,” he sneered.
“What happened?”
“He eventually let us leave, but one of the guys called the police, despite Vanessa begging him not to. For Vanessa’s sake, I refused to give a statement. And because of Lachlan’s fame, they all agreed to keep my name out of it, otherwise it would blow up in the press. As it was, it made local news, and her dad was arrested. He did six months for it. I broke off the casual relationship with Vanessa that night. It was one of the shittiest things I’ve done. I was young and scared, and I didn’t want to get tangled up in her mess when I wasn’t serious about her. I know it was selfish. No one could berate me for it more than I already have.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, hating that he’d gone through that … and then come home for comfort only to find me with Arran. Suddenly, his violent reaction that night made more sense. He was already on the edge, and we’d flipped him right over it.
“The weeks after it, she texted me. She showed up at my classes, practically begging me to take her back … to help her get away from her dad. I told her I would help her with the latter, but that I couldn’t be her boyfriend. She didn’t want one without the other.” He shifted forward in his seat. “I was impatient with her.”
