The Unseen Hand, page 14
CAROL: Look at it closely.
JIM: I am.
CAROL: You can’t see it, then?
JIM: Yes.
CAROL: Then it is bad. I can’t believe it. The tingling. It’s like a tingling thing under each eye. It goes into the nose, too.
JIM: Maybe it’s just sinus or something.
CAROL: No. I can see the results. If you can see something happening, then it couldn’t just be sinus. The whole face and ears and nose and eyes. And my hands. Feel my hands.
(She holds her hands out, JIM holds them.)
JIM: Hm.
(She pulls her hands back.)
CAROL: Feel them? What’s that, Jim. Something’s happening. My hands never sweat like that. And my feet. Hold my foot.
(She raises her foot, JIM holds it.)
Just feel it. The other one, too. Feel them both. What’s that? Under the eyes is what bothers me. It’s from wearing those glasses. I can tell. It’s from the glasses. My head aches so bad. I can’t believe my head.
JIM: Why?
CAROL: It hurts. It’s breaking open all the time. It crashes around inside.
(She gets up and starts pacing around the stage as JIM remains sitting on the stage-left bed.)
JIM: What’s the matter?
CAROL: It’s anything. Beer or water or too many cigarettes and it starts to break. One day it’ll break clear open and I’ll die, I’ll be dead then.
JIM: Take it easy.
CAROL: It’ll just burst and there I’ll be lying in the middle of the street or in a car or on a train. With a bursted head.
JIM: Somebody will take care of you.
CAROL: It might happen when I’m skiing or swimming.
JIM: There’s always lots of people around those places. They’ll see you and help.
CAROL: They’ll see my head.
(She crosses to the stage-right bed and stands on it facing JIM and begins to act out the rest as though she were skiing on a mountain slope.)
It’ll be in the snow somewhere. Somewhere skiing on a big white hill. In the Rockies. I’ll be at the top of this hill and everything will be all right. I’ll be breathing deep. In and out. Big gusts of cold freezing air. My whole body will be warm and I won’t even feel the cold at all. I’ll be looking down and then I’ll start to coast. Very slowly. I’m a good skier. I started when I was five. I’ll be halfway down and then I’ll put on some steam. A little steam at first and then all the way into the egg position. The Europeans use it for speed. I picked it up when I was ten. I’ll start to accumulate more and more velocity. The snow will start to spray up around my ankles and across my face and hands. My fingers will get tighter around the grips and I’ll start to feel a little pull in each of my calves. Right along the tendon and in front, too. Everything will be working at once. All my balance and strength and breath. The whole works in one bunch. There’ll be pine trees going past me and other skiers going up the hill. They’ll stop and watch me go past. I’ll be going so fast everyone will stop and look. They’ll wonder if I’ll make it. I’ll do some jumps and twist my body with the speed. They’ll see my body twist, and my hair, and my eyes will water from the wind hitting them. My cheeks will start to sting and get all red. I’ll get further and further into the egg position with my arms tucked up. I’ll look down and see the valley and the cars and houses and people walking up and down. I’ll see all the cabins with smoke coming out the chimneys. Then it’ll come. It’ll start like a twitch in my left ear. Then I’ll start to feel a throb in the bridge of my nose. Then a thump in the base of my neck. Then a crash right through my skull. Then I’ll be down. Rolling! Yelling! All those people will see it. I’ll be rolling with my skis locked and my knees buckled under me and my arms thrashing through the snow. The skis will cut into both my legs and I’ll bleed all over. Big gushes of red all over the snow. My arms will be broken and dragging through the blood. I’ll smell cocoa and toast and marmalade coming out of the cabins. I’ll hear dogs barking and see people pointing at me. I’ll see the road and college kids wearing sweat shirts and ski boots. Then my head will blow up. The top will come right off. My hair will blow down the hill full of guts and blood. Some bluejay will try to eat it probably. My nose will come off and my whole face will peel away. Then it will snap. My whole head will snap off and roll down the hill and become a huge snowball and roll into the city and kill a million people. My body will stop at the bottom of the hill with just a bloody stump for a neck and both arms broken and both legs. Then there’ll be a long cold wind. A whistle, sort of. It’ll start to snow a little bit. A very soft easy snow. The squirrels might come down to see what happened. It’ll keep snowing very lightly like that for a long time until my whole body is covered over. All you’ll see is that little red splotch of blood and a whole blanket of white snow.
VOICE OFFSTAGE: Miss Littles! Miss Littles, are you ready!
CAROL: What?
JIM: You have to go.
CAROL: Oh. Yes.
(She crosses to the door, she opens the door and yells down.)
I’ll be right there!
(She crosses to JIM and kisses him on the forehead.)
You’ll meet me, right? Please?
JIM: Yes.
CAROL: I’ll see you then at six. (She kisses him again.) Six o’clock.
JIM: Right.
(She exits. JIM gets up and crosses to the door, he hums some kind of tune, he looks out, then goes back to the bed and sits, he scratches his legs, then he stands up and takes his pants off, he sits back down and starts scratching his legs, he starts picking little bugs out of his skin and then stepping on them, he gets up and starts doing pushups downstage center. A MAID appears on the porch through the screen door, holding two pillows, sheets, and bedspreads in her arms, she is rather fat and older than JIM, she watches JIM as he does his pushups, then she knocks on the door; JIM continues, she knocks again, then a third time very loudly.)
JIM: (Still doing pushups) Come in, come in, come in. Have a seat or something.
MAID: It’s the maid, dear.
JIM: (Without turning to look) Come in, come in and have a bed or a seat. Whatever you want.
MAID: (Still on the porch) I want to change the beds is all.
JIM: (He stops and turns to her, sitting on the floor.) Well come in. The beds are in here.
MAID: Thank you.
(She enters and sets the linen down on the stage-right bed, JIM sits on the floor looking at her.)
I always seem to catch you, don’t I?
JIM: Yep. You catch me every time. I think you plan it.
MAID: No.
JIM: I think you do. You like catching me.
MAID: It’s just the time of day. You’re the only one left this time of day.
JIM: Come on. Where do they go?
MAID: It’s true.
JIM: Where do they go? I’ve seen them around during the day. They hang around. They play tennis or something.
MAID: I just make the beds.
JIM: You know where they go. They go into town. Right?
(She starts to change the stage-left bed.)
Hey leave my bed alone!
(He stands.)
MAID: Well I have to change it, dear.
JIM: It’s got stains. I don’t want you to see the stains. I get embarrassed.
(He jumps on the stage-left bed facing the MAID.)
I do. It embarrasses me. I get pink and everything.
MAID: All right.
(She turns and starts making the other bed.)
I’ve seen yellow spots before, you know. It don’t bother me.
JIM: Well it bothers me. I get pink.
MAID: I’m sorry about that.
JIM: Do you know anything about crabs?
MAID: About what?
JIM: Crabs. Bugs that get in your pubic hair and eat your skin and suck your blood and make you itch.
MAID: Like nits or something?
JIM: What’s a nit?
MAID: Like lice.
JIM: Yeah. Except on a smaller scale. Almost microscopic. With legs and red heads. They twitch when you grab hold of them. I can show you one if you want to see it. Do you want to see one?
MAID: Not really.
JIM: Oh, come on.
MAID: All right.
(JIM sits on the edge of the bed and picks at his legs, the MAID sits on the other bed facing him, he gets hold of a small bug and hands it carefully to the MAID, who looks at it in the palm of her hand.)
They must be part of the lice family to get in your skin.
JIM: There. See it? They crawl around.
MAID: Mm. You got these all over?
JIM: No. They’re localized.
MAID: Can’t you get some medicine?
(She hands the bug back to JIM.)
JIM: I don’t want it back.
MAID: Well I don’t want it.
JIM: Throw it on the floor.
(She throws it down, JIM steps on it.)
What kind of medicine?
MAID: Sheep dip or something.
JIM: Sheep dip!
(He stands on the bed again.)
Why sheep dip?
MAID: I’m sorry.
(She starts changing the bed again.)
JIM: Sheep dip is for woolly animals or dogs or something. Human lice are different from animal lice. The whole treatment is different.
MAID: Well that’s the only thing I can tell you.
JIM: Who uses sheep dip for crabs? That’s ridiculous. I mean that’s really stupid.
MAID: Well I don’t know, then. You’ll have to find something pretty soon, though.
JIM: Why?
MAID: Well if I had parasites eating off me and draining me of all my blood and reducing my physical strength twenty-four hours a day, making me weaker and weaker while they got stronger and stronger, I can tell you that I’d do something. I’d get it taken care of. That’s all I know. And I’m not smart.
JIM: You’d put sheep dip on them and kill your skin along with the crabs. Is that it?
MAID: I’d have enough sense to have my bed changed, knowing that crabs lay eggs inside the sheets and the blankets and that eggs hatch and that when eggs hatch new crabs are born. Baby crabs are born and baby crabs grow up like all crabs have to. And when they’re grown they lay new crabs and it goes on and on like that indefinitely for years.
JIM: I’m talking about the immediate possibilities of killing the live crabs that are already there. Not the ones that haven’t been born, maidy, maidy.
MAID: How ’bout a doctor?
JIM: Terrific.
(He jumps off the bed and crosses down center, doing arm exercises.)
I’m in the middle of the forest and you’re talking about a doctor. Thank you. A country doctor, I suppose.
MAID: Isn’t there someone to take you?
JIM: Not till six.
MAID: Can you wait?
JIM: I don’t know. They really get to me every once in a while. You know what I mean? They pinch so hard I think they’re going all the way through. They grab and squeeze. I think they must have teeth too. Along with the pincers I think they have teeth.
MAID: Can you wait till six?
JIM: (He crosses right.) It’s a long time to go on itching like this. To have any itchy skin, I mean. And they’re moving up, too. They’ve gotten to my navel and yesterday I found one in my armpit. Six is a long way off when this is happening to me.
(He crosses left.)
I can ignore them for periods of time. An hour at the longest if I’m preoccupied with something else. If I concentrate. They go away and then come back. It depends on the concentration.
(He stops doing the arm exercise.)
MAID: I could take you. I have a car.
JIM: I climbed a tree yesterday and it went away for a couple hours. I climbed all over the tree. Through the branches and clear up to the top. I sat up there for a couple hours smoking cigarettes. That did it for a while. Then I went swimming and that helped. Swimming always helps. Then I ran around the lake at a medium fast trot. I jogged all the way around. I got up a good sweat and I was breathing very hard and my heart was pounding. All the blood was going through me at once.
MAID: Have you had them for a long time?
JIM: I’ve had crabs for about ten years now and it gets worse every year. They breed very fast. It’s nice, though. It’s like having two bodies to feed.
MAID: Well I could take you. I have a car.
(JIM turns to her.)
Do you want to go now?
JIM: You drive in every day?
MAID: Well I don’t walk.
JIM: You drive from town all the way into the middle of the forest to change somebody else’s beds?
MAID: That’s right.
JIM: Aren’t there any beds in town?
MAID: I like the drive.
JIM: Me too. It’s nice. Calm. Smooth. Relaxing. Comfortable. Leisurely. Pleasurable. Enchanting. Delightful.
MAID: Yes.
JIM: Is there a doctor in town, did you say?
MAID: Well sure. I suppose. We could probably find one if you want to go.
JIM: There isn’t one out here, huh? I mean they don’t by any chance have a country doctor out in this neck of the woods. One a’ them country guys in a Model T Ford and beat-up leather bag full of sheep dip. Maybe even a veterinarian. I hear veterinarians can take as good care of you as a physician or a real doctor. Have you heard that?
MAID: Do you want to go into town or not?
JIM: Gee! I’d like the ride. I’d like that a lot. To ride in the car into town and get this taken care of. And then ride back. That’d be a lot of trips for you to take, though. A lot of extra hauls. Out and back and out and back. Coming and going.
MAID: I don’t mind.
JIM: I could give you some gas money.
MAID: Forget it.
JIM: I insist. I absolutely insist.
MAID: Look—
JIM: Hey! Hold it! Hold it! I have an idea.
MAID: What?
JIM: You’ll have to help me. Are you willing to help me?
MAID: I guess.
JIM: Okay. Come on.
(He starts pulling the stage-right bed down center.)
Push. Push it.
(The MAID starts pushing the head of the bed as JIM pulls.)
Come on, push. Push. Hup, hup.
MAID: What’s this for?
JIM: You’ll see. Come on. Get it down here. Hup, hup. Heave ho!
MAID: I have to go pretty soon, you know.
JIM: It won’t take long.
(They pull the bed downstage, then JIM crosses to the stage-left bed.)
Very good. Beautiful. Come on now. Help me with this. Come on. Hup, hup.
MAID: All right.
(They push the stage-left bed across stage into the former position of the other bed.)
What are you doing?
JIM: Rearranging. It’ll be much nicer. Much, much nicer. More better for everyone concerned. Hup, two. Hup, two.
MAID: I don’t know.
JIM: Heave ho!
(They get the bed into position, then JIM crosses down to the other bed.)
All right, maidy baby. The last lap. Come on. It’s almost done. Have faith.
(The MAID crosses down to the bed and helps him push it stage left.)
Heave, heave. Push, push. Put your back into it! A little more sweat there. Hup, two. ’At’s it! Beautiful! Muy bien! Qué bonita!
(He jumps on top of the stage-left bed, the MAID sits on the stage-right bed facing him.)
Este es demasiado!
(He jumps up and down on the bed.)
Que bella! Que bella! Muy bien!
MAID: Why did you do that?
JIM: (He stops jumping.) Now I have a clean bed, right? A changed bed. New, fresh, white, clean sheets imported from town. A downy, soft, airy pillow and a freshly washed bedspread. Guaranteed to be free of crabs and crab eggs and lice and ticks and nits. Guaranteed to smell sweet and pure. I have all this and you didn’t even have to change my old bed. Isn’t that nice? Now we don’t have to go to town at all. We can stay here and jump around.
MAID: Yes.
(She gets up and starts changing the stage-right bed.)
And I’m all worn out.
JIM: Now what are you doing! Leave that bed alone! Stop that!
MAID: It’s no longer yours, remember? We just switched. The one you’re standing on is yours. You can’t have both, you know. Make up your mind.
JIM: It doesn’t matter. Leave it alone! You’ll catch something!
MAID: You’re getting very selfish, aren’t you? You forget somebody else sleeps in this bed. Somebody else who might not like to catch crabs.
JIM: She doesn’t care!
(He flops down on the bed and lies on his stomach with his head toward the audience as the MAID continues to change the stage-right bed.)
MAID: I know she doesn’t.
JIM: Is this the last room you have?
MAID: Yep.
JIM: You save it for last?
MAID: No. I just make a point to come here last. I keep hoping one day I’ll come and you won’t be here. All I’ll have to do is come into this room and make the beds and go right back out. One day I’ll be able to do this room in no time at all and just go straight home. What a day that will be.
