Fortune Croakies, page 1
part #2 of Enchanting Inquiries Series
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I wish my job as a magical librarian was just about shuffling books and shushing people from behind a desk. Alas, the magic I wrangle requires a bit more than shuffling and shushing. And to make things worse, I have a frog and a cat, and I have no idea how to use them!
Sure, I understand, we all have bills to pay. Personally, I could use a bit of extra cash too. But I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t kill for it. At least…not without dark magic influence. And that’s exactly the problem.
Dark. Magic. Influence.
My first challenge for the day is finding that artifact and putting it under lock and key before it kills anybody else.
My second challenge is figuring out how to deal with a bossy frog and a pushy cat.
Which of the two do you suppose will give me the bigger headache?
Yeah. That’s what I think too. The frog and cat are going to be the death of my sanity.
Maybe I should put them under lock and key too.
Fortune Croakies
Sam Cheever
Electric Prose Publications
Copyright © 2019 by Sam Cheever
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Contents
1. Apple Trees and Frog Pee
2. Moving and Other Horrors
3. Upidstay Ogsfray Egslay
4. Giraffe’s Leggings
5. Floundering in Ignorance
6. Grudge Match
7. Universally Recognized
8. A Grym Affair
9. Fidgety Artifact
10. No Room in the Inn
11. Trust No One
12. Mistress of the Universe
13. Enchanted Deux
14. Corruption and Greed Walk into a Bar…
15. Bugged
16. Pull Ye Toes from the Gangplank
17. A Grym State of Affairs
18. A Very Bad Scene
19. Yer Dragon Me Down
20. And Into the Fire
21. Beware the Ice Cream Sign
Read More Enchanting Inquiries
Gram Croakies
Also by Sam Cheever
About the Author
1
Apple Trees and Frog Pee
It isn’t every day that you find yourself staring at a frog’s squishy butt bulging from the underside of a sink drain. I would have felt better if I’d believed it would never happen again. However, because I appeared to be frog-cursed, there was a strong possibility I’d eventually end up lying on my back under the sink, eyeing the posterior region of Mr. Slimy again.
Sighing, I gave the squishy bulk a tentative poke with my finger, earning a forlorn, “Ribbit!” for my efforts. Something trickled downward, hitting my cheek and dripping down to the paper towel I had draped under my head to keep “under the sink” cooties off my hair.
I realized, too late, what had just dripped on me.
“Argh!” I shoved out from under the sink and bent over while grabbing frantically for more paper towel to wipe frog pee off my cheek. “I can’t believe it!”
The figure lounging against my refrigerator grinned. “You shouldn’t poke a stressed frog, Naida.”
I glared at the source of almost all my problems.
Okay, I know I previously said that about Mr. Wicked, my adorable kitten who was probably better at being an artifact keeper than I was. But I’d reassessed the players and decided Rustin Quilleran, former witch and current frog squatter, was definitely more trouble than my sweet little kitten.
I mean, Wicked was curled up on his pillow, purring happily.
Rustin was driving a fat frog bus that got itself jammed in my drain and peed on my face.
I’ll let you do the math.
“Not funny. You need to keep a better lock on the contents of your bladder.”
His grin widened. “I think you have a mistaken view of my ability to control your wedged friend,” he told me. “I’m just a passenger on that particular bus.”
Which, normally I’d be happy about. I mean, when Rustin had gotten stuck in the frog because of a spell his horrible family had performed, I’d felt terrible. We’d tried everything to get him out of there. But, in the end, the evil Jacob Quilleran had interfered, making certain poor Rustin didn’t escape the fate Jacob had locked him into.
I still hadn’t found out why Rustin’s Uncle Jacob had felt the need to lock him in a frog.
Rustin wasn’t being very forthcoming with the information.
I hurried past him, into my bathroom, where I put soap onto the wet paper towel and scrubbed my cheek until I was in danger of removing a layer of skin cells along with the frog pee.
“What are you doing here, then? Standing there laughing isn’t helping at all.”
Rustin shrugged. “I was bored. Your life is generally good for a few laughs. I’m happy to report that this morning has been no exception.”
I barely resisted zapping him with my almost worthless keeper magics. I pretty much had only enough oomph in my zapper to curl someone’s hair or make them pee themselves.
Trust me when I tell you I’d had enough of making stuff pee for the day.
Flinging the soiled paper towel into the trash, I glared at him. “I’m so glad I could entertain.”
“Me too.” His grin never wavered.
A part of me was happy to see it. I’d been so worried that Rustin would lose his humanity because of his enforced incarceration in the frog. But his cousin Maude and his very powerful Aunt Madeline had been working on reversing the spell. They hadn’t managed yet to free him. But they’d created a metaphysical barrier between Mr. Slimy’s ─ a.k.a. the frog’s ─ consciousness and Rustin’s so he could maintain his power, brain capacity, and humanity…basically his soul.
That was as good a result as we could have hoped for under the circumstances.
Even though that meant, as Mr. Slimy’s current foster parent, I was also the unlucky owner of the ethereally handsome and eternally snarky witch who was stuck inside the frog.
You thought I was kidding about the challenges of my life, didn’t you?
The bell jangled downstairs in my bookstore, and I glanced at my stuck amphibian.
“Ribbit.” Slimy’s sticky tongue snapped out and snagged a massive fly that had tried to make a break for the window above the sink.
Sucker.
I looked at Rustin. “Keep an eye on the squishy, green bus. I have to go see who’s downstairs.”
He nodded, casting what appeared to be an affectionate glance toward Mr. Slimy.
I shook my head. How anybody could be fond of a frog was beyond me.
Although, I realized as I bounced down the steps to the first floor, that I’d begun to form an attachment which transcended disgust. In fact, I almost dreaded the day Madeline managed to find a way to extract her nephew. I was going to miss him.
Unlocking the door that separated the bookstore from the artifact library behind me, I blinked in surprise.
Had I just had a Freudian moment? Was I going to miss the witch? Or the frog?
I shrugged, shoving the question aside for another time. It would probably be an easy choice.
I mean, one of them just peed on me.
My friend Lea was standing in front of the bookstore entrance with something large and red balanced on her hands. She was holding it out in front of her like an offering, a wide smile on her pretty round face. “We have apples!”
A small, gray kitten with dark gold eyes bounced in behind her, tail waving lazily on the air. Lea’s new kitten, Hex shot past me and through the cracked door into the artifact library, no doubt looking for my cat Mr. Wicked.
My mouth fell open. “That’s an apple? I thought it was a giant ball or something.”
I wandered toward her, my gaze locked on the enormous, shiny fruit.
She was just about dancing with excitement. “Fairies!” she squealed happily.
Lea ran the herbalist shop next door, and she had a giant greenhouse out behind her shop. The greenhouse had recently had a large influx of Fae when the Quilleran clan had burned their homes in the Enchanted Forest…long story…to the ground.
Everyone knows that one of the side benefits of having Fairies was that, if you’re on good terms with them, they blessed your garden. What I’m not sure many people understood, including me, was exactly how blessed it could become.
I lifted an awed look to Lea’s overjoyed face. “I didn’t even know you had apple trees.”
“I didn’t,” she exclaimed happily. “Until a couple of weeks ago. They’re already five feet tall.” She gave in and did the little happy dance she’d been trying not to perform. “I can’t believe these apples. And you should taste them. Sweet, crisp and perfect.” She rolled the apple around on top of her hand so I could see its perfect skin.
“That’s amazing!” I agreed, laughing. “And I’m more than a little jealous right now.”
Her expression softened. “This is actually for you. Queen Sindra insisted. I’m to provide as many of these and the peaches she’s currently nurturing as you’d like. To thank you for saving her daughter.”
I took the apple she handed me and barely kept from doing a little happy dance of my own. “Sweet Caroline,” I said, licking my lips.
The front door opened again and a strange-looking creature with fire-red hair, a pale face covered in freckles, and large pointed ears stepped into my shop.
I would have expelled her immediately if I could have. Not because she was dangerous. But because she looked even crankier than usual and I was on an apple high. I didn’t want her to bring me down.
Lea turned to my city Sprite and gave her an impulsive hug. “Good morning, Sebille.”
Sebille narrowed her iridescent green gaze suspiciously. “Have you been licking your frog again?”
Lea giggled. “Wally doesn’t have any psychedelic grease. He’s a bullfrog.”
Sebille rolled her eyes, a fairly regular habit with her. “Stop smiling you two, it’s annoying.” She shuffled over to the counter to plunk her enormous, ugly bag on the shelf beneath.
We eyeballed her strange garb, which currently included black, red and white striped socks that started somewhere under her skirt and ended in shiny red “wicked witch of the west” shoes. Her dress was dark green, with tight sleeves that hooked over each of her thumbs, and tiny yellow and white flowers embroidered all over it.
She’d plaited her long hair into two braids that separated around her oversized ears.
I decided to take the bull by the…erm…braids. What can I tell you? Once you’ve been peed on by a frog, you really have nothing left to lose. “What’s got your granny panties in a twist today?” I asked my assistant.
She glared through the bangs she’d been recently growing out. They hung into her eyes more often than not and gave her a bad-tempered imp look. “I’m being evicted.”
Lea and I shared a horrified look, probably both thinking the same thing.
What if she wants to move in with one of us?
Lea poked my arm and I shook my head. “Nope, not happening. I’m already babysitting a smart-mouthed witch ghost and a frog that jams himself into the sink drain and then pees on my face.”
Lea frowned, seemingly trying to untangle the imagery I’d just spewed in her direction, then shook her head. “I’ve got you beat. I have five…maybe seven…” She cocked her head. “I keep losing count. I have hundreds of Fae in my garden. I’m Fae’d out.”
A forceful sigh yanked our attention back toward Evicta the Homeless Sprite. “You’re both heartless shrews.”
Lea shrugged and I nodded. If keeping my space grouchy-Sprite-free made me a shrew, then I’d happily wear the badge.
“Why’d you get evicted?” I asked Sebille, walking over to place my head-sized apple on the counter. I needed to take it upstairs where I could happily hoard it until it was totally consumed. But I needed to make sure Sebille’s search for a new home took her in the right direction.
Namely, any direction but mine.
She gave the apple a cursory look, no doubt used to giant apples since she was a Sprite. “I might have over-vaped and turned one of Devard’s best customers…temporarily…into a slug.”
Devard was the owner of the vapery across the street.
When Sebille saw the horror on our faces, she held up her hands. “Just for a blip. The guy hardly even had time to slime a path to the door before he was back again. Besides, he didn’t even know he was a slug until that stupid woman with the frizzy hair started screaming like a Banshee.”
I frowned. “You mean the Banshee who lives across the street?”
“Yeah,” Sebille agreed, warming to her complaints. “What’s with all that screaming anyway? Don’t those weirdos have anything better to do?”
Lea and I shared a look.
Sebille had taken an apartment over the vapery, and she spent most of her free time creating and then sucking special vapes made with…unique…herbs. She was known, on occasion, to share her special concoctions with others. Those occasions were generally problematic.
I’m pretty sure I’d climbed the fire escape on the side of the building the one time I’d tried Sebille’s special vape. There are rumors that I’d tried to ride a large crow, insisting it was my own personal dragon.
Shredded-crow-psyche aside, I’d almost died that night.
Yeah. You heard that right. I just made it about me.
That crow should have known better than to stick around when I hit the roof. He should have seen the madness in my eyes and disembarked toot suite! The fact that he hung around, cawing at me as if he were laughing at my attempts to saddle him, made him just as much to blame for what happened as I was.
And no, I didn’t hurt the crow. Except for his pride.
I’m pretty sure those feathers on his head will grow back.
Lea suddenly decided she had to go. “Um…I’ll see you ladies later.”
“What about Hex?” I asked my quickly retreating friend.
“I’ll come back for her in a couple of hours.”
The door was slamming shut behind Lea as my gaze found Sebille’s. “It shouldn’t be hard to find another place,” I told my assistant.
She shrugged. “Not one I can afford. My place is really cheap.” She gave me a slightly hostile look, as if the salary I was paying her was part of the conspiracy to see her homeless.
I bit back a defensive retort and patted her on the shoulder. “We’ll find you a great place. But right now, I have something I need to do upstairs.” I grabbed my apple and headed toward the stairs.
“Naida?”
I stopped in the doorway. “Yes?”
She fidgeted with the stapler and calculator, her gaze avoiding mine. “Do you think I could sleep here just until I find a place?”
My heart broke a little at the sight of her. She was so embarrassed to ask. And despite my cocky response to the news that she’d been evicted, I knew I couldn’t let her hit the streets.
I swallowed the enormous lump in my throat and nodded. “Sure. But maybe it won’t come to that. There have to be a ton of cute studio apartments in Enchanted.”
She grimaced, nodding. “Thanks.”
I spun on my heel and made my way back up the stairs, my step a lot heavier than it had been before. Lifting my chin, I squared my shoulders. I’d find Sebille a place to live if it was the last thing I did.
But, in the meantime, Sebille’s earlier snarky comment to Lea had inspired me.
And I had a frog to grease.
2
Moving and Other Horrors
The day started off badly. I’d thought I’d have a few days to prepare mentally for having Sebille move into Croakies, but, alas, her narrow butt walked into the bookstore the very next day with a box so big it obscured her from the waist up.
She struggled coming through the door, and I jumped up from the tall stool behind the counter and hurried over to hold it for her. “Oh my!” I said, eyeing the enormous box. “Why didn’t you magic it down to a more manageable size?” I whispered my question because Mrs. Foxladle was in the cozy mystery aisle, perusing the new additions with the discerning eye of a true connoisseur.
As far as I knew, the octogenarian didn’t have a magical bone in her upright, nimble body.
An iridescent green eye and half of a fiery red head appeared around the side of the box, fixing me with half of the disgust Sebille usually showed me.
But only because the other half was currently hidden behind the box.
“I did magic it, Naida,” she whispered harshly. “How else did you think I got all my furniture inside?”
My mouth fell open, and all the spit immediately dried up. This thing…this horror from my most terrifying nightmares…Sebille moving into my beloved private zone…was actually happening.
