Atonement (Guardians of the Void Book 2), page 5
“Yeah. That would not be good for anyone. Maybe when we go back home, I can start visiting other planets. My parents kept me on Laed-i all my life to keep me safe from Hale and the others. I’ve spent a little time on Earth, but I would like to explore it some more.”
“Maybe you and I can explore it together,” I suggest. “I have knowledge of things that should be there but no real memories of them.”
“I would like that,” Cal says with true enthusiasm. “We can discover things together.”
Cal comes to a complete stop, and I almost trip beside him at the abruptness. He’s staring at his severed wings nailed to the wall of the cave. His expression is one of immeasurable loss that I can’t even fathom. For someone so young, he’s handling the situation far better than I ever could. I can’t imagine having something so wonderful ripped from my body and displayed like morbid artwork. He stretches his free arm out and touches the bottom feathers of one wing with a shaky hand.
“I hated my wings while I was growing up,” he tells me, as if he’s aged years during the six months Hale has kept him prisoner in this cave.
“Why?” It’s hard for me to imagine hating such a wondrous and exquisitely beautiful gift for so long.
“Because they separated me from everyone else I knew.” Cal runs the tips of his fingers down a solitary feather with a sense of longing that breaks my heart. His eyes shimmer with unshed tears over a quintessential part of him. “I would give almost anything to have them back.”
“Can they be reattached?” I ask. “You said your body can regenerate. If I can make Hale bring them down, would your body be able to reconnect them?”
“I don’t think so,” Cal says as he lets his hand fall back by his side. “The place where they attached on my back has already been covered over with new skin and muscle. I don’t think I could put these back into their sockets even if I tried.”
“I’m sorry, Cal. I wish I could do something to help you.”
Cal drags his eyes away from his wings to look at me. “You’ve done a lot just by being here, Lilith. I was afraid I would die in this cave all alone, but you’ve given me a reason to hope that I’ll be reunited with my family one day. You couldn’t have given me a better gift.”
The light coming from the hole in the cave’s ceiling is obscured again. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach because I know Hale has returned even before I look up to see him descending into the cave. He’s holding a medium-size, red velvet bag with a gold drawstring. Sticking out of the top is a crispy baguette.
Once Hale’s feet touch the floor of the cave, he holds the bag out for me to take.
“I’ve upheld my end of our bargain,” he says to me. “Do you plan to honor yours, Lilith?”
“I never give my word and don’t follow through,” I inform him. I look at Cal. “We should sit you down before I leave.”
Cal nods and lets me help him sit against the cave’s wall. I walk over to where Hale is and take the bag of food from his outstretched hand. As I’m walking back to Cal, I peek inside to make sure he also brought some water. I see two bottles of water. One marked with an ‘L’ and one marked with a ‘C’ so we can keep them straight. Within the bag is a large hunk of cheddar cheese, a cluster of red grapes (which I cringe at). I kneel down beside Cal and open the bag all the way as a makeshift plate.
“Do you need anything else?” I ask him. I look pointedly at his tattered jeans and bare feet. “Maybe some new clothes would make you feel better?”
“I would appreciate that,” he says, looking grateful that I thought of such a kindness for him.
“New clothes it is then and maybe a pair of scissors and a bucket of water so I can wash and cut your hair for you.” I turn my head and look back at Hale. “I don’t suppose you would release Cal long enough to bathe properly?”
“I’ll let you bring back the other things, but I won’t take him out of this cave. Not even for you,” he tells me with no room for negotiating in his voice.
I look back at Cal. “I guess we’ll have to settle for those things … for now.”
“It’s more than I could have hoped for, Lilith. Thank you.”
I pat Cal reassuringly on the thigh. Before I stand up, I grab my water bottle and drink it dry. Until I saw it in the bag, I didn’t realize just how thirsty I was. Once I’m finished, I set the bottle near the wall of the cave and turn to face Hale again.
“I’m ready,” I say as I walk over to him. “Do you happen to have access to some clothes I can change into? I would really like to get out of this dress.”
Hale’s eyes travel the length of me in an appraising manner. “I think I can manage to find you something suitable to wear while you’re here.”
Hale holds out a hand to me. I force myself to accept it and only squirm a small bit when he brings me up against his torso before wrapping an arm around my waist.
“For your own safety and comfort,” he says, “you should probably place your arms around me, Lilith.”
I do as he advises and find that the position isn’t as uncomfortable as I feared. When Hale ascends toward the hole in the cave’s ceiling, I take in a deep breath. I don’t know what he has planned for our time together, but I do know it will all be self-serving. He wants me to remember our supposed life together for his own benefit. What will happen if I do start to remember who I was? Will I like the person I discover? Or will my past self repulse me as much as Hale does? I hope I’m brave enough to find out.
4
The moment we clear the opening of the cave, I focus my attention on finding anything unusual about the terrain surrounding us. For as far as my eyes can see, nothing but a cluster of mountains and valleys breaks up the landscape. Nothing stands out as a distinctive marker for Jered and the others to search for in order to find our location. As Hale continues his slow ascent into the air, I try to ascertain the information I need another way.
“How far away are we from Mammon’s territory?” I ask him. Jered already told me that he followed the trajectory he saw Hale fly me in, but when he went to the next realm over, all he found was an endless ocean.
“Why do you ask?” Hale narrows his eyes as he looks at me. His suspicion isn’t hard to miss, but I have a way to clear that up quickly.
“I would feel more at ease knowing we’re not anywhere close to Levi.” Lies are always better if there’s a partial truth inside them. I definitely don’t want to be anywhere near Levi, so my statement is an honest one.
“We’re far enough away that Levi won’t find us anytime soon,” he assures me.
It’s not the answer I wanted, but it does bring me a modicum of comfort to know Levi can’t merely zip on over and attempt to take me for himself again.
Our ascension into the calm blue sky comes to a halt, and Hale holds his clawed hand straight out in front of him. Instead of having to lean into the air currents, we glide effortlessly across the sky as if we’re skaters on a sheet of ice. I don’t even feel the whisper of a wind as we float through the air.
“How are you able to fly through the sky without feeling any wind?” I ask in amazement.
“I have the ability to control the air molecules around me. I’m sure the special powers our clawed hands give us here haven’t escaped your notice.”
“I was told Helena gave them to all of you,” I say, unable to take my eyes off of Hale’s claw with its leathery black skin and long, bloodred talons. “Does it hurt?”
“My claw?” Hale asks, sounding amused by the question. “No, it doesn’t hurt. It feels as natural as my human hand did. But thank you for asking. Maybe you’re not quite as indifferent to me as you want to believe.”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” I’m quick to correct him. “I was just curious what it felt like since it looks so … odd.” There are a lot of other words I could have used to describe his claw, but I don’t want to offend him within the first five minutes of us being alone together.
“I think grotesque is the word you really wanted to use in that sentence,” he says with a sardonic grin. “That’s the first word that came to my mind when I saw it. If it didn’t give me so much power, I would have already switched bodies by now.”
“Switched bodies?” I ask before it dawns on me what he’s talking about. “Ah, that’s right. You’re a rebellion angel, not a Watcher or War Angel like the others. Jered told me that your kind inhabits human bodies.”
“I think we would all switch bodies if we could do it without losing our powers.” Hale’s lips form the hint of a pout at the idea that he can’t swap forms anymore. For his type of angel, I suppose taking over a new body is similar to changing out of a set of clothes for regular people.
“How come you’re no longer burned?” I ask him. “The last time I saw you it looked like Levi struck you down with his lightning one too many times.”
“He did, but then I buried him underneath half of Mammon’s palace.” Hale looks and sounds pleased with himself for accomplishing such a feat.
“And how many people did that end up killing?” His callous disregard for human life ignites my anger. “Considering that you and Levi are archangels, don’t you think it’s time the two of you started acting like grown-ups instead of petulant children throwing a temper tantrum?”
“He started it,” Hale says, sounding like a two-year-old defending his actions against a playground bully. “Besides, I was protecting you from him. Shouldn’t you be showing me a little more gratitude?”
“I am grateful you gave me time to get away from him,” I begrudgingly admit, “but bringing down the palace and killing who knows how many innocent people wasn’t worth it.”
“It was worth it to me!” Hale’s outburst catches me off guard. Up until now, he hasn’t raised his voice in anger. The last thing I need is for him to go off the rails and decide I’m not worth bothering with anymore. For all I know, he’s mentally unstable enough to release his hold on me while we’re in midair, causing me to fall to my death.
I remain quiet because I feel like anything I say at this point will anger him. His head tilts downward, and his eyes close as his face transforms into a pained expression.
“I’m sorry,” he says softly before taking in a deep breath, as if the action helps him expel the rage in his heart. He opens his eyes and looks over at me. His gaze holds a sorrow that’s hard for me to grasp. “If I had lost you again because of something I did or didn’t do, I never would have been able to forgive myself, Lilith. I lost you once because I let my guard down. I won’t make that same mistake twice.”
I have no idea what he’s referring to, and I’m not sure I’m ready to hear his account of our supposed life together or my death. The one thing I do know is that Hale’s touch doesn’t disgust me as much as Levi’s did. I’m not sure if that means anything or if it’s simply because Levi is so repulsive to me on so many levels. I pluck up my nerve to ask Hale more questions because that’s the only way I’ll ever have enough information to figure out the truth.
“Can I ask you a question?”
Hale’s expression becomes wary, but he also appears curious to hear what I might say next.
“What do you want to know?” he asks with undisguised caution.
“Back at the palace, Levi said you rescued me from monsters,” I remind him. “What did he mean by that? What kind of monsters was he talking about?”
Hale glances away from me as we continue to glide through the clear blue sky. He presses his lips together tightly, and I worry he’s about to refuse to answer my questions.
“After we land, I’ll answer those questions,” he says. “I would rather not talk about something that horrible while we’re a half-mile above the ground.”
I’m not sure why that matters, but I’m not in any position to demand otherwise. Since he won’t answer any questions about my past yet, I ask him about Cal.
“What are you planning to do with Cal?” I ask. “You can’t keep him in that cave forever.”
“Who says I can’t?” he scoffs. “He’ll remain my prisoner for as long as I want him to.”
“You do realize you’re only hurting him, right? Helena has no idea what you’re doing to her son. You’re not hurting her at all because she doesn’t know what’s going on here.”
“I know I’m hurting him. That’s all that matters. You might as well save your breath, Lilith. I’ll never let the boy out of his hole. Consider yourself lucky I’ve agreed to the small comforts you want to give him.”
I can tell I won’t be able to change Hale’s mind about Cal’s living conditions, but maybe I can gain at least one more thing for Ethan’s son.
“Can I ask you to do something for me where Cal’s welfare is concerned?” I ask.
Hale sighs heavily in irritation. “What is it?”
“For as long as I’m here, don’t hurt him. If you want me to listen to what you have to say, I need to know he won’t be harmed by you anymore.”
“That’s asking a lot,” Hale grumbles. He falls silent in thought, and I decide to study the terrain below us. A river slithers through a grassy field toward a clump of trees. I see another large mountain up head surrounded by a thick, lush forest. I chance a glance in Hale’s direction to see if he’s still thinking about my request. Unexpectedly, we come to a complete stop mid-air before descending toward the forested area. Finally, he gives me an answer. “I won’t torture the boy anymore if you give me an honest chance to remind you of what we once had together. A real opportunity, Lilith. Don’t merely play along with whatever I ask of you to gain favors for Cal. I need to know that your heart will be open to me without any reservations.”
“I don’t know if I can do that,” I tell him honestly. “What you did to Cal …” I involuntarily shiver at the thought of everything the poor boy has been put through since arriving in the Void. “How can I open my heart to a man who takes pleasure in being that cruel to someone?”
“I wasn’t always this way,” he says in self-defense as our feet touch the leaf-littered ground. “Your death changed me as much as your love did.”
I find it hard to believe that I was ever in love with Hale, but he seems convinced otherwise. Until I learn more about my past, there’s no way for me to argue the point either way.
“I can understand why my death would have caused you pain,” I say, “but it’s been so long since that happened. Why didn’t you ever let yourself heal from it? Why keep those feelings bottled up inside you for this long?”
Hale drops his arm away from my waist. A haunted look enters his eyes that seems genuine, but how am I supposed to believe someone like him can truly feel emotional torment?
“I didn’t only lose you that day, Lilith,” he says. His hazel eyes beg me to understand how he became the man standing in front of me now. “I also lost our child.”
My heart stops. I hear myself gasp in shock, but it sounds like it’s coming from someone else. My mind automatically rejects what Hale is telling me because accepting it as fact would be too much to bear. Yet, I can’t deny that his revelation has stirred something deep within my soul where the truth lays hidden even from me. I don’t want to believe what he’s said, but the tortured look of unimaginable loss on his face isn’t an act. It’s real. Hale isn’t putting on a show for my benefit to elicit my pity. He’s telling me the truth as he knows it.
I swallow hard. “How did I die?”
“I’m not sure how it happened.” His voice is hoarse, and I know he’s barely able to hold himself together. “We lived a simple life in a small home by the sea, but it felt like a mansion because we filled it with our love and laughter. One day I went out to get us some food and got distracted by something Mammon wanted me to do for him. I can’t even remember what it was now. Over the years, the details of that day have faded. The one part that has remained crystal clear is finding your body lying on a bed of rocks over the edge of a forty-foot cliff near our home. That’s how you died, but like I said, I don’t know how you got there. I don’t know if you got too close to the edge and slipped, or if someone pushed you, or if you did the unthinkable and took your own life.”
“Wait …” Something about Hale’s story doesn’t add up. “I thought you said our child died the same day I did.”
“It did.” Hale averts his gaze like he can’t make himself look me in the eyes. “You were pregnant at the time, Lilith. Our child died inside you.”
My heart aches, causing an excruciating pain to course throughout my body. I fear I might be having a heart attack, which does nothing to alleviate my stress. Even my breathing becomes labored. I take in large gulps of air to compensate. Unfortunately, it does nothing but makes me start to hyperventilate.
“Cup your hands over your mouth,” Hale says before demonstrating what he wants me to do with his own hand and claw.
I do as he instructs. After a few seconds of breathing into my cupped hands, my body adjusts, and I’m able to regain control.
Neither of us says a word, and an awkward silence hangs between us. Hale stares at me as if he suspects some of my memories from that night have returned and he might receive the answer to my death, but his uncertainty seems odd to me. He’s the one who should have figured out the truth about what happened to me. Why does he seem to be looking to me for answers?
“If we were as in love with one another as you claim, why do you think I could have killed myself?” I ask. “That isn’t something a woman in love would do to herself or her unborn child.”
“At the time, you were anxious because it was so close to your due date,” he says. “You were afraid our child would suffer the same fate as your previous children.”
“What previous children?” The thought of me having one child was strange enough, but the fact that I had more than one floors me. “How many did I have before you and I got together?”
Hale scratches his cheek with his human hand before answering. “You had three children, Lilith. The first one was with Adam and the only one to survive. It’s through her bloodline that your legacy was able to live on.”
