Brown Sugar Divine's Cafe & Bakery, page 15
I finished the first load of barf and searched the bed for my glasses, which the voice found first and kindly handed to me. I saw Johnny in front of me when my eyes focused, and looked around to see that I was in his small studio apartment.
“This is your place?” I asked.
“Yep. This is my little humble abode,” Johnny answered.
As my eyes scanned the room, I caught sight of his double-decker desk that doubled at a bookshelf. On the far-left side of the shelf was a small collection of manga, some of which was of the NSFW variety. “You read SuBLime manga?” I managed a smile despite still feeling like crap.
“Hey, weren’t you busy throwing up?” He covered my eyes with his hand, clearly a bit embarrassed by someone new seeing his little stash.
“Sorry. I didn’t realize the trash can didn’t have a liner. I can clean it out when I’m feeling a bit better.”
“Nah, don’t worry. This ain’t my first vomit rodeo.” He set the trash can down next to the bed in case I had to throw up again, then went back to the kitchen to make a plate of bacon, scrambled eggs, and toast with jelly.
We ate on the bed in silence with SZA playing over Johnny’s Bluetooth speaker. The sound of chirping birds poured in from outside paired with the buzz of the window A/C unit. The space was small, but cozy. Just big enough for one person. It smelled sweet, like sugar and flowers.
“How much is the rent on this place, by the way?” I asked.
“It was $636, but now it’s $816 after I renewed my lease,” Johnny answered, sounding understandably annoyed by the price increase. “Speaking of which, I dunno if you remember ‘cause you were pretty drunk. But you mentioned something about getting evicted last night. You haven’t been put out already, have you?”
“Ah, shit...” I sighed. Johnny was right. I couldn’t remember a thing from the night before. I hadn’t expected it to be a ‘drink to forget’ kind of night. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to unload on you like that. I haven’t been kicked out yet. I still have ‘til the end of the month. I haven’t told anyone yet, though, just ‘cause I don’t wanna have to ask to stay with anyone unless it’s dire.”
“No, I get it,” Johnny nods his head. “The housing market’s kinda crap, though. Cheapest place you’ll find is probably $800.”
“As long as I can keep it doable with my salary.”
“Did you mom stop paying your rent ‘cause you’re helping me?” He asks.
“Yeah,” I answered.
“You don’t have to help me, you know. I mean, I’m grateful for everything you’ve done so far. But...”
“I know. I wanna help anyway. By the way, how much money have we raised so far?”
“I checked this morning. We’re at $2,000 right now with online and cash donations.”
“That’s actually pretty good for the first week. Still have about $6,000 to go before the deadline, but I think we’ll manage if we keep at it.”
A brief beat.
“Can I ask you something?” I said.
“You already asked something just now,” Johnny quipped back.
“You’re hilarious.”
“Sorry,” he chuckled. “Go ahead.”
“What inspired you to do all this? With mixing baking and drag.”
Johnny took a moment to think. “It just felt right. I wanted my business to stand out, first of all. But Brown Sugar Divine brings comfort to people. She’s who people go to for good food and good conversation. So, I provide that.”
“What does your family think about it?”
He took a bit longer to answer. “They disowned me. Two years ago, I was kicked out of my parents’ house because of it.”
“Oh... I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to uncover that wound.”
He shakes his head. “Don’t be sorry. You didn’t know.” Johnny took our empty plates and washed the dishes. “Help yourself to the water bottles over there. You need to rehydrate.”
I took some water from the plastic case next to his desk.
“Anyway,” he continued. He seemed a bit lost in thought as he spoke. “I know what it’s like to be loved conditionally. To hear the words, ‘I love you’, knowing that there’s a catch.”
“That’s some heavy stuff.” I managed to stand up and sit closer to Johnny on one of his bar stools. “I honestly don’t even know if I’m gay or not. I mean, I can recognize when someone is attractive. But do I really like them like that?”
“Hm. Sounds similar to what Sunnie was going through when they realized their aro/ace.”
“I guess,” I shrugged. “There’s a lot that I still don’t know. I’ve had crushes here and there, but I’ve never wanted to date anyone.”
Johnny set his wet dishes in the dish rack. “There are a lot of sexual and gender identities out there. Some I understand and others I don’t, but that’s okay. Discovering yourself and your identity is a never-ending process as long as you’re alive and capable of learning. You have more freedom than you realize. You just need to utilize it.”
I let Johnny’s words sink in. I had only caught a mere glimpse of his world and I had already seen so much. As Brown Sugar Divine, he was so confident and colorful. He was still that way as Johnny, but cooler and more calculated. Seeing these two sides of one person, along with the people he surrounded himself with, fascinated me. He was so confident in his identity as a person, and I wished I had that same confidence.
“I think I’m getting a headache from talking about all this serious stuff,” I smiled.
“I hear you,” Johnny sighed. “What else should we talk about? The weather? Any good shows we’ve been watching lately? Who we’re voting for in the next election?”
“Let’s start off easy,” I answered with a soft chuckle. “What’s your favorite color?”
Johnny smirked, and gestured to all of the very obviously pink lights and decorations scattered across his apartment. “Obviously, it’s green.”
My laugh was a bit hoarse, and I took a drink of my water.
“I’m just playin’. Green is not my color.”
“I think mine would have to be blue.”
“Huh. Y’know, that makes sense.”
“Yeah. Sometimes I like to say it’s because I’m depressed.” I could see him visibly cringe a bit at the self-deprecating joke. “Sorry.”
“But, y’know,” Johnny continued. “If you need a place to stay, I can always get an air mattress. It’s a small place, but we can make it work ‘til you find something.”
“Nah, I couldn’t. I don’t wanna be a bother.”
“Better to be a bother than to be homeless. I wouldn’t have extended the invitation if I thought you were a bother, and Sunnie’ll have a fit if they find out one of their bandmates is sleeping in his car.”
I manage a small smile. “I take it you and Sunnie are pretty close?”
“Mhm” Johnny nods. “They're like an older sibling. They were there for me when I didn’t have anyone else ‘cause they went through something similar. But I’ll let them tell that story if the topic ever comes up.”
“That’s gotta be rough,” I groaned and drank more of my water.
“But that’s enough of all that sad talk. It’s time for you to eat.” Johnny handed me a plate of toast with jelly, eggs, bacon, and a glass of no pulp orange juice. As simple as it was, it smelled so good.
“Oh, sorry, but,” I teased, “did these eggs come from free range, GMO free, vegan chickens?”
“Don’t do that,” he smirked, then sat down and ate with me.
We briefly ate in silence as SZA continued her serenade over the speaker.
“You know what I just realized?” I asked, changing the subject.
“What?”
“The initials on Brown Sugar Divine’s Insta, BSD, is the same as this one anime called Bungo Stray Dogs.”
Johnny snickered and playfully shoved me. “Nerd.”
“Says the nerd who reads SuBLime manga,” I teased.
“Shut up and eat.”
Once I was a bit less hungover, I found my car still parked at Fry Street and went home. Before Johnny sent me on my way, he gave me a pink slush Alani Nu for the road, in case I needed a pick-me-up. He sure did love that stuff. I still wasn’t the biggest fan of the brand, even after chugging a can of it the day before. Or was it 2? My memory was still fuzzy. I put it in my mini drink fridge once I got back to my apartment, then pulled out my phone and texted Tori.
Chris 12:03 PM: You up?
Tori 12:15 PM: Yeh
Chris 12:16 PM: Wanna come smoke?
Tori 12:16 PM: Sure. Omw.
Tori and I sat on the little balcony of my apartment, letting our feet hang over the edge while we smoked through an old pack of Lucky Strike cigarettes that I’d had sitting in my drawer for months. A bit stale, but it took the edge off anyway.
“Mind if I play a bit of music? I can’t stand quiet,” Tori asked.
“Go for it,” I answered.
She took out her phone and scrolled through her Spotify playlist and settled on a remix by an unknown indie Korean artist.
“That’s nice,” I said.
“Thanks,” Tori answered. She took a long drag of her cigarette. “Han’s been showing more indie Korean artists. I’m sick of all the mainstream BTS stuff.”
“I feel you. That fandom is scary as hell. He’s Korean too, isn’t he?”
“Mhm,” she nods. “I think he was born in the U.S., though.”
“How’s he so good at drumming too? He’s also deaf, right?”
“Yeah, but not completely. He can read lips and still make out muffled sounds and vibrations. His hearing aid also helps a little bit.”
“Impressive.”
“So, how’s the whole Mom situation?”
I also took a long drag of my cigarette, and sighed heavily as I blew the smoke up to the sky. “Shitty. But I’m handling it. How’s your whole Mom situation?”
“We had a falling out recently. I’m moving out of the house and going to live with Anna.”
“That seems to be a common theme with this group. Parental issues.”
“That’s where it starts, man.” She snuffed her cigarette out in the ashtray sitting between us. “Your relationship with your family as a queer kid can make or break you. And, as you can see, a lot of us aren’t so lucky.”
“Hm...” I snuffed my cigarette out as well. “I guess I’m going through something similar. I’m about to be kicked out of this place 'cause Mom stopped paying my rent. She doesn’t like that I’m helping Johnny out.”
“Do you know where you’re gonna go?”
“Johnny made an offer. I may take him up on it while I look for a new place.”
Tori smiles at the mention of Johnny. “Y’all seem to really like each other.”
I snicker. “Define like.”
“You know what I mean. Like, like each other. Y’know?”
“I guess,” I sigh again. “He’s a good guy, and he’s got big aspirations. He sees what he wants and just does. A little part of me envies him for that.”
Tori is silent for a moment as she reaches for another cigarette. I give her my lighter and she starts on her second round. “You really ought to give yourself more credit. You’re doing more than you think.”
“You think so?”
“Dude, when I first met you, you were a timid shut-in with no friends and chronic anxiety and depression. I mean, maybe the chronic anxiety and depression is still there and there’s no real cure for that. But my point is that you’ve accomplished a lot in these last few weeks. You’re in a band, you’re standing up against your oppressor, and you’re delving into new social territory. Be proud of that.”
I let her words sink in. Having it spelled out like that, she definitely had a point. For the first time in a while, even though it may not have seemed like it at times, I actually felt happy. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
A sly smirk crawled across her lips. “Sooo, about you and Johnny...”
“Pfft. We’re not dating, if that’s what you’re trying to get at,” I chuckle. “I mean, I like him, but... I dunno if I like him. Y’know? I’ve never wanted to date anyone. Any past crushes I may have had usually simmered away after a few days. And sex? You can forget about it.”
“I don’t mean to keep putting labels on stuff, but are you sure you’re not aro/ace?”
“I dunno,” I sigh again. “It’s the third time it’s been mentioned, though. Maybe y’all see something I don’t. But, yeah, I’d rather not stress about labels or anything.”
“No worries.”
I reach for another cigarette, but my hand pauses. For some reason, Johnny’s voice started ringing in my head, and I remembered how he was against smoking or vaping of any kind. I had told myself in the past that I was gonna quit. But here I was, still doing the thing I said I was gonna stop doing. Instead of taking out another cigarette, I handed the whole box to Tori.
“You can have the rest. I think I’m gonna try to quit.”
Johnny
“Okay, here’s what I’m thinking,” said Atsa as she helped me plan my outfit for the Open Mic Night at Rubber Gloves. Their one-bedroom apartment was nice, and she had citrus candles burning in the background, paired with sweet lemon essential oils in her diffuser. All around their room were fashion books and guides, and decorated in soft furnishings.
I was usually a master at planning Brown Sugar Divine’s looks for every show I participated in, but now the pressure was adding on and I needed a bit more professional help. We sat on the floor as they opened their laptop, clicking through various tabs for different pieces. “We can get this blonde bob cut wig at R&L and dye it silver. Also, I found this black crown with fake red rhinestones around the edges. Then there’s this black corset we can decorate with red and silver stones along the seams. Or if you really wanna get creative, we can do what Manila Luzon did and just magnetize everything.”
“Yeah...” I mumbled. I could hardly pay attention to what they were saying. All my nerves were coming at me all at once. As much as I was trying to have fun like I usually did, reality was hitting me harder and harder almost every day.
“Hun?” Atsa put a hand on my shoulder. “You okay?”
“Hm? Yeah, sorry, I-I just...” I stuttered. “Maybe you can talk some sense into me. I’m just worried about nothing, right? I’ll raise the money and keep my bakery and everything will be good again? I mean, we’ve already gotten a good amount of money, and there’s still time to raise what we need. But...”
“Hey, hey, hey. Breathe.” They inhaled, encouraging me to do the same. I inhaled as well, and we exhaled together. “Good. Now, honey, you have every right to be scared. Your livelihood is being threatened by some bitter white woman who can’t stand the thought of people like us breathing the same air as her.”
“I know,” I sighed. “I shouldn’t beat myself up over this. I dunno. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to dump this onto you.”
“Don’t be sorry, hun,” Atsa smiled reassuringly. “I at least kinda know what you’re going through. Maybe not completely, but a little bit. Eugene and I were lucky enough to be born with such an accepting family. But we both know that isn’t the reality for all queer kids.” Atsa closed their laptop and set it to the side. “I remember that Eugene lost a lot of friends when he came out as pan and poly. I did too when I came out as Two-Spirit. Not to mention the occasional hate comments I get when I promote my clothing line. But even with all that, we still have that little handful of people right behind us to pick us back up.”
I managed a small smile. She was right. I had let this whole thing get to me. The more I let it get to me, the closer Grace came to winning this feud. But even before any of this mess, Atsa, Sunnie, and everyone else was there for me. Atsa’s encouraging words lifted a bit of a weight off my shoulders. There was still a bit of pressure, but I could breathe a little easier now.
“So,” I said, “at the Pride festival we went to... you and Kiki didn’t see because you were focused on the show. But my mom showed up.”
Atsa paused and raised their eyebrows. “Oh, wow. What happened?”
“I don’t quite know how to describe it. But she seemed more accepting, long story short. I mean, this is the same mom who watched my dad toss me out the door. So, for her to show up at a Pride festival is pretty bizarre.”
“Was your dad there too?”
I shook my head. “No. I haven’t told Sunnie this, but Mom’s been calling me nearly twice a week for the last few months. I never got back to her because I wasn’t ready to talk. Then there she was, a foot away from me.”
“That’s quite a lot, hun,” Atsa answered. “She definitely wants to reconnect. It sounds like neither of you were expecting to see each other. It’s completely up to you, but I think you should call her back. But only if you’re ready.”
I replied with a slow nod. My eyes scanned the room, and I happened to spot a black shirt on Atsa’s bed. That definitely wasn’t theirs. Atsa never wore black outside of drag.
“Whose shirt is that?” I asked.
Atsa glanced over at the t-shirt and smiled. “Oh, that.” She scooted closer to me and whispered, “I haven’t told Eugene yet. But Angel and I have been kinda... y’know.”
I gasped and covered my mouth. “Girl, what?! What about Alexi?!”
“I don’t think Alexi wants to be in a relationship right now with what he’s got going on. Sunnie told me he checked out of the mental health hospital, but he’s not in the right headspace for a lot of things right now.”
“Oh, I see. I hope he’s doing okay. I dunno what happened, but it seems like he’s going through a lot.”
“Yeah. But in the meantime,” Atsa bit her lip and tucked a piece of hair behind their ear.
“Oh, Lord,” I laughed. “You’re gonna get him in trouble with Eugene.”
“Girl, please,” Atsa flung their hair over their shoulder. “He can play the Protective Big Brother all he wants. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m a grown ass adult that has a thing for emo boys.”
“Older? But y’all are twins.”
