One Dark, Two Light, page 12
Burdie continues to looks up at the ceiling of the car.
We sit there in silence for a moment.
‘ST is short for Scar Tissue,’ he says, eventually. ‘That’s what they call him. And yes, that’s where he was on New Year’s Eve. That’s all I’m giving you.’
I think about this for a moment. ‘The guy with the flat cap and the dog?’ I ask. ‘Is he the informant?’
Burdie swings round to face me. ‘You need to stay out of it,’ he hisses angrily. ‘I’m serious. You have no fucking idea what you’re getting into!’
He folds his arms and his mouth snaps shut. His shoulders rise, then loosen and sag as he lets out a sigh. I watch him in silence for a moment. He’s a ‘red anger’ person, I can tell; blows up hard but soon calms down again. If I wait a minute longer, will he change his mind and talk to me?
‘Go on,’ he says, finally. ‘You’d better get to the opticians.’
‘I’ve got a minute,’ I say. ‘Just tell me—’
He swings round to face me. ‘Bloody hell, woman! Just do what I fucking say, won’t you? Stay out of it. Now go!’
I open the car door and pick up my bag, then step out onto the pavement. I watch as he drives away. His car is an old silver Saab. It has a dent in the nearside wing.
My phone rings. It’s in my hand and it makes me jump out of my skin.
It’s a private number. I answer it.
‘Sarah?’ says Will. ‘It’s me.’
*
He’s sitting up in bed when I arrive. Becky’s with him, moving around busily, folding and unfolding his blood pressure cuff, lifting his hand and moving his oxygen saturation probe from one finger to another, picking up a chart on a clipboard at the end of the bed. Will looks up and smiles when he sees me but I stand back and watch in silence until Becky’s finished.
‘Nearly done.’ She catches my eye as she leans forward and adjusts the position of Will’s leg slightly on the pillow, then examines his dressing. The crepe bandage has gone and he now has what looks like a black sponge under clingfilm, with a tube coming out of it. There’s some writing scrawled onto the plastic in black marker pen.
Becky removes her rubber gloves. ‘Right then. I’ll leave you to it.’
‘How’s he doing?’ I ask her.
‘He’s doing well.’ Her voice is neutral, giving nothing away.
‘So, the infection… is it under control?’
‘Well, it seems to be. It’s early days.’ She glances across at the bed. ‘Shall we let Will explain?’
Will’s eyes dart up to meet mine. They’re still swollen, but less so and he’s been shaved, his hair washed and brushed. There’s some colour back in his cheeks and he looks much more like the Will I know, which is encouraging. But it’s clear from the way both he and Becky are acting that he’s not out of the woods just yet.
Becky walks out of the bay. I hang my bag over the back of the chair next to the bed and slip off my coat.
‘So, Ms Kellerman.’ Will greets me in the same way he always does when we’re at court together.
‘You’re looking good, Mr Gaskin,’ I smile.
‘As are you, Ms Kellerman,’ he grins. ‘As indeed are you.’
I sit down next to him, keeping a slight distance from the bed. I’m not going to encourage Will to slide back into the ease of our former fun, flirty work relationship, the one where he manages to keep me at bay. I want to talk to the same Will I spoke to on the phone an hour earlier, the one who was gentle and penitent, who said he was sorry for the way his parents had treated me – and that he had no visitors this evening and could I please come?
Now that we’re alone, now that he’s looking better than I’ve seen him in some time, I want answers. I’m not going to let him fob me off this time.
Will continues to smile, his eyes flickering across my face as he notices my body language, tries to gauge my mood.
‘So, how do you feel?’ I ask him.
‘Better,’ he nods. ‘Better than I was.’
‘That’s great. And what’s going on there?’ I indicate his leg. ‘What’s that tube for?’
Will clears his throat. ‘It’s called a VAC dressing. It helps bring the edges of the wound together and draws the infection out.’
‘So… does that mean it’s healing?’ I ask, hopefully.
He smiles. ‘They think so.’
‘They think so?’ I repeat.
Will clears his throat again. ‘It’s… it’s not guaranteed that they’ve been able to remove the infection completely, this time round. I’m likely to need more procedures.’
‘More surgery?’
Will’s eyes meet mine. ‘Yes,’ he says, hesitantly.
I uncross my arms and lean forward. ‘I googled it, Will. I’ve read all about it: necrotising fasciitis. See? I even know how to pronounce it. I know how serious it is. And I know that you know too. You’d have asked, and they’d have told you. Please, don’t try and shield me. Tell me what’s going on.’
Will heaves a sigh. He looks away towards the window for a moment, then turns back and looks me in the eye and nods. ‘OK. This is what’s going on: the infection is still there. It’s eating away at my flesh and my muscles and the tissue in my leg. At the moment it’s contained to a small area, but there’s still a significant risk that it could spread. Worst-case scenario, it could get into my organs and cause… failure, and… and, well, I could die.’
He pauses and gives me a grim smile. My body freezes and my heart skips a beat.
‘But,’ he continues quickly, ‘the good news is that they caught it early and the antibiotics seem to be working at the moment, and it hasn’t spread beyond my leg at this stage. They just have to keep removing the infected tissue, and they have to do that in surgery under a general anaesthetic. The procedure is called debridement. If it’s successful, I’ll need skin grafts. But there’s still a chance that I’ll develop a resistance to the antibiotics. I could get sepsis or, if the debridements don’t work they… they may have to amputate.’
He pauses and presses his lips together.
‘Amputate?’ I echo.
‘Yes. I could lose my leg.’ He clears his throat and winks at me. ‘But let’s hope not, hey?’
I nod and swallow, unable to speak for a moment.
‘So, is that all the bad news out of the way?’ Will looks up at me. ‘Can we talk about something a little more jolly now?’
‘Soon,’ I agree. ‘And… and I know this is hard for you. But there’s still stuff you haven’t told me. Things I need to know…’
Will closes his eyes. He sighs deeply, then opens them again.
‘I need to know what you want from me,’ I continue, hoping that my face doesn’t reveal quite how churned up I’m feeling. ‘Am I just your friend, like you told your parents? Because if that’s all it is for you, then that’s fine. I can be your friend.’
Will turns his head towards me and his eyes seek out mine. ‘You’re more than a friend to me, Sarah, you know that.’ He sighs again. ‘But it’s just… not that simple right now.’
I nod and swallow. ‘Veronica.’
He says, ‘It’s not what you think.’
‘What do I think?’ I ask him.
‘You think I have feelings for her.’
I take a deep breath. ‘And do you?’
‘No.’ Will shakes his head, firmly. He swallows hard and his lips tighten. ‘No, I don’t. At least, not those kinds of feelings.’
I wait for him to elaborate, but he doesn’t.
‘I wouldn’t blame you if you did,’ I say. ‘She’s stunning.’
Will glances up at me and I notice the dark shadows under his eyes. ‘She’s an attractive girl,’ he agrees, finally. ‘But…’
‘But, what?’
Will’s eyes flicker to meet mine. ‘But, nothing,’ he says.
I look back at him in confusion. ‘So, what’s the problem?’ I shrug.
‘The problem?’
‘With us, being together. You said it wasn’t that simple. So, what is it? Who is she to you?’
Will lowers his eyes and moistens his lips. ‘She’s a childhood friend,’ he explains, looking away down the bed towards his leg. ‘A friend of my family. Her parents and mine are old friends. Close friends. So, naturally, they wanted us to be a couple. They’d been pushing us together for years. It wasn’t… necessarily what I wanted. But over time, it became a little hard to resist.’
‘So… what? Are you in a relationship with her?’
Will shakes his head. ‘No. No, I’m not. Not any more.’ He looks up at me again. ‘But I was.’
‘When did it end?’
He shakes his head, dismissively. ‘Oh, years ago. It… it didn’t last long. A year, maybe.’
‘That’s long enough,’ I observe.
Will’s forehead creases. ‘Long enough for what?’
‘I don’t know.’ I shrug. ‘For her to fall for you, I suppose.’
A cloud crosses Will’s eyes. He inhales deeply, then lets out a sigh. ‘Yeah. My fault, entirely. I should never have…’ He tails off.
‘You think you led her on?’
Will nods, decisively. ‘Yeah. I did. I didn’t mean to, of course. I didn’t intend to hurt her. I should never have let it go on as long as it did.’ He turns to me. ‘We had nothing in common, not really, apart from our shared history, that is. There was never any real spark between us.’ He smiles and looks up at me, his eyes shining, suddenly. ‘Not like there is between me and you.’
I lean forward, my heart thumping. ‘So, what’s the problem? She’s a grown-up. And so are you. If this all happened years ago, surely she’s over it by now?’
He nods. ‘I thought so. She met someone else. She married him.’
‘Oh?’
‘Yes. Yes,’ he says again, almost wistfully. ‘He was good for her.’
I look at him, confused. ‘So… why was she here?’
He sighs. ‘Her marriage ended, it seems, and so…’ He looks up at me, apologetically. ‘And so, my parents gave her my number, put us in touch. They were trying to matchmake again. They shouldn’t have done. It seems they may have got her hopes up, so I met with her… tried to let her down gently. I told her that I was with someone else.’
‘Someone else?’
‘You,’ he smiles. ‘Obviously. But I didn’t tell her who. I just said that I’d met someone.’ He turns to face me. ‘And then…’ His smile fades. ‘And then, a few days later, I end up here, and my parents tell her, and obviously she’s worried. But they should never have brought her to the hospital. It wasn’t what I wanted.’
I think about this for a moment. ‘So, how did she take it?’ I ask him. ‘When you told her you’d met someone?’
Will hesitates. ‘Fine, I think.’ He considers this for a moment. ‘Yeah,’ he repeats. ‘She was fine.’
‘So, why not introduce me?’ I look him in the eye. ‘Properly, I mean.’
Will scowls as he ponders this for a moment, then sighs. ‘It was all… such bad timing,’ he says. ‘I didn’t want to…’ He lifts a hand to his forehead. ‘Well, it’s one thing telling her I’d met someone, but I didn’t want to crush her like that, rub her nose in it, I suppose. And, besides, things had barely had a chance to get off the ground between us – you and me, I mean – when… when…’
He holds my gaze as he realises what I’m going to ask him next.
‘When what? What happened to you, Will?’
He sighs and looks away.
‘Is it drugs?’ I ask him, finally. ‘Are you using drugs? Have you been injecting into your leg?’
Will swings his head round to face me, his expression incredulous. ‘Drugs?’ He grins, widely. ‘Bloody hell! No, Sarah. Is that what you’ve been thinking?’
I shrug. ‘Well, yes. Frankly, it is.’
‘Sarah!’ Will shakes his head and he starts to laugh, then he realises that I’m serious. ‘Sarah.’ His eyes seek out mine. ‘I haven’t been using drugs, I promise you.’
Mild relief washes over me. ‘Then… then what is it? What happened?’
‘Sarah, please.’ His forehead creases. ‘I just cut myself. OK?’
‘How?’
‘I don’t know how. I don’t remember,’ Will pleads with me. ‘But I’m not a junkie, or an alcoholic, or… or anything bad. There’s nothing terrible you need to know about me. Let that be enough. Please.’
He sighs and holds out his hand towards me.
I look at him for a moment, then nod. I tentatively pull my chair forward and take his hand in mine. He pulls me in close to him. ‘Look, I know I’ve hurt you, and confused you… and… I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘But this has all been really, really hard for me.’ He looks into my eyes. His are wide, imploring. ‘This is not how I wanted my relationship with you to get off the ground. It wasn’t meant to happen like this.’
I nod. ‘I know.’
‘And I certainly didn’t want to tell you how I felt about you for the first time in front of my parents and… and bloody Veronica!’
I smile.
His eyes move around the bay. ‘Or those two over there.’
I glance over my shoulder at the man in the bed opposite.
‘I know, I know,’ he jokes. ‘I know what you’re going to say. That one’s unconscious.’ He peers at the bed in the opposite corner. ‘And… yep. So is he.’ He forces a smile and looks up at me. ‘But all the same,’ he tells me, seriously, ‘it’s not what I had in mind.’
‘Me neither,’ I agree.
We sit in silence for a moment. I pour Will a glass of water and help him take a sip.
‘Whilst we’re on the subject of exes,’ I confess, ‘mine is also back on the scene. He’s at my house now, with Ben.’
Will’s face falls. ‘Really?’
I nod. ‘There’s nothing between us,’ I reassure him. ‘He’s here for Ben, not for me.’ I know that this isn’t one hundred per cent true as far as Andy’s concerned and it crosses my mind that maybe I shouldn’t have told Will this right now, when he needs to focus on getting well. But I don’t want to be a hypocrite, when I’ve just finished quizzing him about Veronica. At some point he’ll ask me who’s looking after Ben, and I don’t want to lie. I say, ‘He’s the reason I can come and visit you on a weekday evening.’
‘He knows about me?’
I nod. ‘Yes. He does.’
‘So…’ Will raises his eyebrows and moves his head. ‘What did you tell him about me?’
‘I told him the truth,’ I say. ‘I told him that I had a boyfriend, and that he was in hospital.’
Will’s eyes sparkle. ‘Did you tell him how good-looking I am?’
‘Of course I did.’
‘And that I’m quite handy with my fists?’
I smile. ‘Yes. I told him all of that. He’s a little scared of you, naturally.’
Will presses his lips together and says, ‘I don’t suppose there’s any chance that he only has one leg?’
I look up at him. A smile is still playing across his lips, but his eyes are glistening. I get up off my chair and squeeze onto the bed next to him, then lean forward and slide my arms around his neck. He puts a hand against my back and pulls me into him. I say into his ear, ‘You’re not going to lose a leg, Will. Everything’s going to be OK.’
He takes my arms and holds me away from him a little. ‘I might do, Sarah,’ he tells me. ‘There’s every chance that I might.’
I shake my head. ‘It’s not going to happen,’ I tell him, firmly. ‘But it wouldn’t change a thing for me if it did.’
He says gently, ‘I think it probably would.’
‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘It really wouldn’t.’
He shakes his head back at me and his smile fades. ‘You have Ben,’ he says. ‘You need someone who can help you, not someone who…’ He lets go of my arms.
I frown. ‘Someone who… what?’
He swallows and looks me directly in the eye. ‘Someone who you have to push around in a wheelchair.’
‘Will,’ I object. ‘Don’t be silly. There are prosthetics. Even if…’ I hesitate and peer into his eyes. Will moistens his lips. ‘Even if,’ I continue, ‘and this is the worst-case scenario… even if that was the outcome, it wouldn’t have to be as bad as you think.’
‘That’s not the worst-case scenario,’ he points out.
‘Yes,’ I insist. ‘It is. You’re not going to die, Will. And you’re not going to lose a leg. You can do this.’ I reach out and take his hand in mine. ‘You can fight this. Things are going to work out just fine for you. And for us.’
And then I lean forward and I kiss him, there on the bed with my arms wrapped tightly around him. He grips me just as tightly and kisses me back.
9
As I turn out of the bay I collide with Karen. She drops a plastic cup of water onto my foot, which soaks through my trainer and into my sock.
‘Oh no! I’m so sorry,’ she cries out in alarm, as she bends down to retrieve the cup. She looks up at me, her face flushed. ‘Are you wet?’
‘A little, but don’t worry,’ I reassure her.
She stands up and heaves a sigh as she glances around from left to right.
I duck back into Will’s bay and grab some paper towels out of a dispenser near the doorway. ‘Here.’ I hand some to Karen and we both bend down to wipe up the water that’s on the floor.
As I spread out the paper towels, I notice that Karen is crying. I reach over, still on my haunches, and touch her arm. ‘Hey. What’s wrong?’
She gives a quick shake of the head.
I hesitate and glance round, but there’s no one else in the corridor. ‘Do you want to talk?’ I ask.
She gives me a faint smile. ‘I’m fine. It’s late. You were just leaving.’
She straightens up and I stand up, too. ‘I don’t have to hurry home… for once’, I tell her. ‘My ex is looking after my son. He owes me about…’ I wrinkle up my face in an exaggerated manner as I calculate. ‘About eight thousand babysitting hours.’
Karen smiles through her tears.
I smile too. ‘I have time, if you do.’
