An Embroidery of Souls, page 21
Reluctantly, I step forward. “Jade.”
It’s barely a whisper, but it does something to her. She freezes, her eyes going wide as she surveys what she’s done. The blood streaming from the tracker’s nose. The scrapes marring his skin. Her gaze flashes to me, and my heart breaks at the horror on her face. “I—I’m sorry, I just—I need to go.”
Before I can stop her, she backs away and scrambles up the ladder, fleeing from these horrible truths.
Chapter Thirty
Jade
Vermillion cruelty. Charcoal strength. Minty greed. The tracker’s soul stares back at me, my needle poised, ready to wreak havoc. I could decimate his intelligence, unspool his life, sap his potency, destroy his memories.
Such violent desires, contrasted by the cool autumn breeze rippling through the trees. The grass, soft beneath my knees. The smell of earth and dead leaves, cerulean sky bursting above the foliage.
Oh, such horrible things I could do, wrapped in this beautiful forest. The villain I could become.
I’m still considering the possibility when I hear him, whisper soft behind me. Lukas.
“I’m sorry I keep doing this.” I don’t turn to look at him but gesture at our surroundings. “Having emotional episodes in the woods. You must think I’m a wreck.”
He doesn’t say anything, but I hear him come closer, until he’s crouched in front of me, his viridian eyes warm and kind. “You’re allowed to be a wreck,” he tells me. “It’s not a weakness to feel, and quite frankly, I don’t think you’re a wreck. Vulnerable maybe, and human, but all the stronger for it.”
I blink, taken aback. “Did you not see me in there? The way I attacked him?”
I was…I don’t even know what I was, but it scared me. Feeling so out of control.
“I did, but that wasn’t everything I saw today.” Lukas sounds calm. “You’re forgetting all these other moments. Braving the market. Outsmarting the tracker. Stepping in front of his gun for me.”
My heart squeezes, and Lukas pauses, an expression I can’t name on his face.
“You have to understand: I was terrified. I hated that you put yourself in danger. But at the same time, it was just another reminder of how incredible you are. How good and fierce and brave, and—I don’t know.” He runs a hand through his hair. “It’s just, sometimes…”
“What?” Maybe it’s shallow, but I’m desperate for more insights into how Lukas views me, so different from the way I see myself.
Lukas blows out a sigh. “Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve you. To be your friend, be around you, talk to you. It’s hard when you’re you, and I’m…well, you know.”
My indignation prickles. This isn’t the first time Lukas has talked about himself like this, but the more I hear it, the more it grates on me, and Lukas deserves to know why. Suddenly the weepy mess is gone, that firmer version of myself back.
“No,” I tell him, prim. “I don’t know, actually.”
He rubs the back of his neck. Looks down. Mutters, “You’re incredible, Jade. Intelligent. Kind. Compassionate. A fucking thread speaker. And I’m…I worked on a fishing boat. I sleep on a pile of dirty blankets. I’ve made selfish choices, and…” He shakes his head. “You deserve better than me.”
Lukas’s words are fresh needles pricking my tender heart. It hurts, knowing he sees himself this way, and my eyes heat as I clear my throat, then bring my fingers to his chin and tilt his face so he’s forced to look at me.
“Lukas Keller.” I try to keep my voice firm, but it wobbles, though I don’t let that stop me. “You may only be able to see your surface, but don’t forget for one second that I see your soul. Which is how I know, perhaps better than most, that you are kind, strong, and fiercely protective. You love harder than anyone I’ve ever met, and it doesn’t matter where you work or where you sleep, or the number in your bank account—you are special, plain and simple, and it breaks my heart that you can’t see what I do.”
His eyes bore into mine, green and heated and intense. My fingers are still on his chin, a gentle pressure, an aching touch, and the kiss-that-shouldn’t-have-been burns between us—a reminder of everything I can’t have. Because last time we sat in the forest, I had no idea what it meant to kiss Lukas.
Now, though, I’m seared by the memories of Lukas’s hands on my body, his fingers wrapped in my hair, lips brushing mine. Scorched by the knowledge of exactly what I’m missing out on. Because I can’t kiss him, not with our history, nor can I confess, not if I don’t want to lose him.
So the moment heats, blisters, and passes with a dip of my chin, a lowering of my hand. Lukas sighs, then leans back, and his next words are rough. “So the tracker.” He nods to Alejandro’s soul portrait, still next to me on the grass. “Are you going to kill him?”
I startle at his cavalier tone. “You wouldn’t try to stop me if I was?”
He relaxes against a nearby tree, studies the portrait at my feet, and, after a moment, shakes his head. “No. I wouldn’t.”
Somehow, Lukas giving me the space to commit murder is nearly as meaningful as everything he just said to me. Which is horrid on a multitude of levels, but that doesn’t change how it makes me feel.
Emotion balls in my throat, but I push through it and consider his question. Am I going to kill the tracker? But the idea, so tempting just moments ago, has soured, and I remember my mother’s words. Our power is a dangerous thing. To wield it as a god is to become a monster.
She wouldn’t want me to destroy a life simply because I can, and I sigh. “I’m not going to kill him, at least not yet. We’ll send the letter to the enforcers. They can deal with him.”
That’ll give us more time to question the tracker further, and as a measure of calm settles over me, I think back on everything we just learned. About Cora Ramos, the tracker’s role, the truth of it all—assuming it wasn’t false. But as I mull it over, some of my apprehension returns, and I release a shaky sigh as I face Lukas. “Do you think he was being honest back there?”
He appears to reflect on it. “I can’t be sure, but I think so. It adds up, doesn’t it?”
“I guess. I just…” I shake my head. What the tracker said about CR—Cora—and his lover being different people…I’m not sure. Something about it is bothering me, especially his lover’s signature. That crescent with the squiggles is so familiar, but I can’t place it, the answer a shade out of reach.
And it was all so easy, too, first capturing the tracker, then questioning him. I’d expected more resistance, but he didn’t hesitate to give us answers. “I don’t know,” I eventually say. “I didn’t think he’d admit everything that freely.”
Lukas’s eyes dart to the thread portrait. “You did threaten to eviscerate his memories if he didn’t talk.”
“You’re right,” I admit. I’m being irrational, and I release some of the worry with my next breath, letting the breeze sweep it away. It helps a little, until I realize what this development means.
“We did it.” My voice squeaks. “What we set out to do. It’s done.”
Lukas sits up straighter. “You don’t sound happy about it.”
No. He’s right, I don’t, though I should. But gods, something is definitely wrong with me. I should be celebrating—we have the information we need to stop a soul-thieving murderer! And I am glad about that, truly and deeply. Even so…
“It’s just…now what?” My words are small. “Your deal with Cora is void. You can turn her in to the authorities and be done with this whole mess. You can go home, and I…”
I’m not sure if I want to go back. My mother is dead. My house is burned. In twenty days I’ll be forced to become thread speaker to the Crown, and while I’ve never wanted my mother’s role, after this journey it feels especially abhorrent.
In Sallenda, I would only have Lukas, but I can’t truly have him either.
Lukas is looking at me, expectant. “You don’t want to go back?”
His voice is tight, and I close my eyes against the sting of tears. The sad truth is I would return in a heartbeat just to have more time with him. But I can’t, not with this lie between us, and telling the truth won’t change that. He’d never talk to me again.
“Yesterday evening Johann invited me to stay here with him if I want.”
My words are heavy, a weight I’ve felt since Johann approached me. I’d been tending my thread kit, and he seemed nervous. My mother was important to him, he explained, and while he didn’t save her, he wanted to do right by me.
In Kabrück, thread speakers are permitted to live as we wish, provided we don’t use our gifts without proper consent. Here, with Johann, I could be free in a way my mother never was, always required to serve the Crown.
Lukas must sense something in my tone, and his voice trembles. “Jade? What are you saying?”
I close my eyes, unable to face him.
“I’m saying that maybe it would be better if I stayed here.”
There’s a long pause. I still can’t look at Lukas, but his breathing is fast, labored. When he finally speaks, he sounds small, and I hate that I’m the one doing this to him.
“What if I’m not ready to lose you?” he whispers.
I’ve always thought fear was the most painful emotion, and that someday it would kill me.
I was wrong. Heartbreak is far worse, and it takes everything I have not to break down. When I open my eyes, Lukas looks just as miserable, and I remind myself that I’m doing this for him. Because if he knew the truth, he’d want nothing to do with me.
“I need to stay here,” I tell him. And though it kills me, I add the only thing that I know will make him listen. “But you have to go back. Your family is waiting, and they need you. Mérecal needs you.”
Lukas gapes at me, a spot of coral in each cheek. I sense that he’s close to the brink, so I give him that final shove. “You could leave today if you wanted. I can handle things here. There’s nothing stopping you.”
“I…you…you’re stopping me, Jade!” A spark of anger glints in his eye. “How can you expect me to leave without you? After everything we’ve been through together, I thought—” He stops abruptly and slices a hand through his hair, rumpling the blond locks.
You thought what? I’m desperate to ask, but I’m also wise enough to know that’s a dangerous path. So I wait, and a few seconds later Lukas continues, quieter now. Colder.
“What about the queen? She’ll be furious when you don’t return.”
He’s right. I’m oathed to the Crown, forbidden to reside anywhere save for where the queen has permitted. Staying here is a clear violation of her rules, and if she finds me, she’ll be furious. Not enough to kill me—my skills are too valuable for that—but enough to steal my freedom, perhaps. To imprison me inside her palace.
But she has to find me first.
And I’ve been thinking lately about the tracker’s tattoo. About all those traits stitched into his skin, stripped from animals, an uncommon practice but perhaps a useful one. If only I’d considered it earlier, but at least it’s occurred to me now, and I tuck the thought away in case I need it.
Now, though, I need to be focused on Lukas.
“And she’s exactly why I can’t go back.” I meet his eyes, begging him to understand. “You hated thread speakers before we met, and for good reason. The way we use our gifts is rarely ethical, and if I return, the queen will expect me to continue that pattern. You saw what I did here, though, how happy the soul bindings made people. Perhaps in Kabrück I can actually do some good.”
“Damn it.” Lukas rubs the back of his neck. “That’s a really good reason.”
“I know.”
Silence settles between us like a goodbye. And in a way, I suppose, it is. Lukas has to go, and I need to stay, a truth made no less painful for its simplicity. We sit for a minute, soaking it in, until Lukas clears his throat.
“Five days.”
Hope kindles inside me. “What do you mean, five days?”
Heartbreak is still written in Lukas’s glossy eyes, but something else has since joined it. His chin has a determined tilt, and his shoulders have gone from slumped to steady.
“A decision like this deserves proper time to think it through,” he explains. “I know Kabrück seems like the better option—I mean, damn, it probably is the better option—but the queen. If she finds you, well, you’re taking a risk. You could get hurt, and I—” He pauses, fingers shifting with something akin to agitation. “I just think it might be smart to take some time to think it over. Once five days have passed, if you still want to stay, I won’t fight you on it. But if you’re inclined to come with me…”
“I can still make the queen’s deadline.”
“Exactly.” He nods.
Somewhere inside me a blossom has unfurled its petals and faced the sun. I shouldn’t be relieved, and I know this is where I should confess my sins. Lukas, I imagine myself saying, we need to talk about your father.
But then he would hate me. Our time together would be tainted, and he’d leave feeling a fool. Earlier, I told him I couldn’t survive losing him, and that’s true. But that’s not what stays my tongue. I can tell Lukas the truth and give us both this pain.
Or I can keep my secret and he can leave happy. I’ll never see him again, but at least he won’t hate himself for letting me in.
Hurt Lukas or not. The choice is easy, but I still try to dissuade him.
“And what about you? You could leave now; you don’t have to wait.”
He leans in closer, and his gaze drops to my mouth before flicking back up to my eyes.
“You’re right. I should probably leave now, but I just…” He shakes his head, and I sense the floodgates cracking open inside him. “I know it’s selfish to stay, but for so long, I’ve made everyone in my life a priority except myself. I’m exhausted, but ever since I set off with you—I don’t know. I’ve felt free again. You make me feel that way, and right now I want to stay. To have this time with you—to celebrate Gebreine again. When I return, it’ll be to a life where I live only for others, so let me have this, Jade. Give me these final days with you. These final days of freedom.”
It’s tempting, a decadent slice of cake just within reach, my mouth watering. But if Lukas truly wishes to stay, he deserves to have all the information, and I feel my shoulders slump as I recall the paper at the market this morning. With everything that happened, I’d forgotten about it until now.
“I’d love that Lukas, truly,” I tell him, “but you should know the killer—Cora—is accelerating her pace. There was an article in the paper this morning. Two bodies were found in one night. Your family…the danger is getting worse.”
He stiffens, his fists clenching, eyes going distant. Time seems to stretch before he finally responds.
“I hate this,” he admits. “That they’re in danger. That I feel like I have to choose between…fuck, between happiness and duty, but I’m still staying. With Gebreine, there won’t be any ships leaving anyway, and the trains will all be booked or not running. I won’t get home much earlier than if I wait. And even if I did, it’s not like my presence will make much difference. They have your money and Emma’s efforts. If anything, my return might mean they’re worse off. It could bring Cora to their door.” He shifts, something resolute in the lines of his posture. “There’s a risk, yes, but for once I’m willing to pay that price. Take that chance. I still want this time, if you do too.”
I think I might just burst—with all of it. Relief Lukas is staying, guilt because I don’t deserve it, and this terrible, ripping want. To bring my lips to his, taste him again, and steal a few more moments.
Perhaps in another life. In this one, though, I’ve been given a gift. It may not be everything I desire, but it’s more time with Lukas, a small slice of the life we could’ve had together. Not nearly enough, never enough, but even so, I clench it tight in feral fingers.
“Okay,” I whisper. I should fight more, but I won’t. “So then, five days?”
Lukas’s lips twitch, almost in relief. “No more, no less.”
And that’s that.
Chapter Thirty-One
Jade
I grin, cheeks warm as I take in my newest creation, though it’s a bittersweet kind of happiness.
Bitter because four days have passed, and tomorrow morning Lukas will leave while I stay behind. Sweet because of the thread portrait in my hands, brimming with coffee brown, shimmery violet, and waves of burgundy.
Perfect—just like its owner.
It’s the eve of Gebreine, one of Kabrück’s largest holidays, meant to honor the birth of their triple god. It’s a time of celebration, and I spent all afternoon cooking a veritable feast with Johann, from soft pretzels and rabbit stew to apple cake and gingerbread.
Now I sit in the hayloft above Johann’s barn, where Lukas and I have been spending our nights. Golden rays slide through the windows, a final gift from the setting sun as I pocket the thread portrait. I’m not sure where Lukas is—he disappeared after dinner, most likely to finish setting up the small festival Dreiden puts on every year.
So I sit back and wait, cushioned on a mound of scratchy hay, and my thoughts turn, as they have been lately, to the tracker. We’ve sent word to Kreipen, the nearest city equipped to aid us, asking them to dispatch enforcers to pick him up. Our trouble with him is almost over, but I still can’t shake the feeling we missed something. Like those letters from his lover. They should be irrelevant, but what if they’re not? What if Lukas and I overlooked an important piece? Maybe if I talk to the tracker again, I can—
