The Book of Formation, page 9
I: At the lecture last month, you talked about “underworld dreaming.” What is that?
MI: Dreams are one of the rare times you can forget about personality, and if you pay attention, you can truly feel fresh new p circulating through you, replenishing itself while you sleep. It’s one of the greatest sensations in life. I often talk about this in my lectures to students because they can still get high from their dreams. That language still makes sense to them. In dreams, p flows in every direction. It’s in the air. It’s not confined to our bodies. You can move through it. You can feel it holding you up.
I: And what happens to our personality then, when we’re sleeping?
MI: You aren’t making it. You’re resting that part of yourself. I’m sure you know the feeling, yes?
I: I remember when I was a kid I used to have lucid dreams all the time and at some point I discovered that in the dream world your hands aren’t your own. If you look at them they could be anything—monkey hands, a baby’s hands—and even then, they don’t even stay the same. They keep changing throughout the dream. Every time you look at them, it’s a different pair of hands. It’s the same way your dream wife isn’t always your real wife and your dream friends aren’t always your real friends.
MI: And your dream memories aren’t your real memories.
I: OK, but I still don’t understand how someone tries to forget. That seems like a paradox.
MI: What if I called it “not remembering”? You don’t have to forget, you can just not remember. Just don’t try to remember. Is that better for you?
I: Hm. Yeah. I—
MI: It’s all about where you put attention. When we’re up at Peggy Creek [Hot Springs2] if a guest begins to misremember I’ll simply encourage them to turn attention toward p. That’s how we say it. And that’s all you need to do.
I: Every day?
MI: Throughout your life, yes. And how we keep it up is through our five by fives: five senses, five minutes, five times a
day—always turning toward p. Touch, hear, see, smell, taste—in that order. But this doesn’t help anyone forget, it just helps you to fall in love with new memories.
I: It’s that simple.
MI: Not simple at all. I have trouble with it every day. So does Mayah. We all do. Because there’s always a new situation. Does the flavor of watermelon affect p? Does the sound of your neighbor’s voice? Does the feel of a cotton sleeve rubbing against your wrist?
I: These all seem like unanswerable questions, right?
MI: No, I don’t think so. They each require their own sensitivity. And sometimes I have to run through all my senses and every one of my expressions in the mirror just to feel stabilized. To see my glow. And I do it until I get the shiver.
I: I’ve heard of the shiver, but I’ve never felt it.
MI: Runs from the psoas to the vagus to the pituitary. [draws a finger up the center of his body] When you feel it, all the effort seems like a small price to pay. People, they don’t know what they’re missing. They’re just getting tossed around by their personality. But once you feel the kind of stability I’m talking about, once you feel like you’re meeting your personality with confidence, that’s when you can start to live.
I: And you do this exercise every day? What happens if you don’t?
MI: If you miss a session the memory gets messy. Miss two and memories blur. And from there it’s increasingly difficult to sort out new memories from old ones.
I: You have to be strict.
MI: Just regular. But it’s easy if you want it to be. You can do the work anywhere—on a bus, in the bathroom, in a parade. I do it mid-conversation.
I: Right now!
MI: Always.
I: I mean, essentially the only time we naturally lose memory is from a violent blow to the head, right? Or a degenerative disease. I think that’s why some people have questioned the emphasis on forgetting in the last season. It just has such negative associations—illness, violence, aging.
MI: I think you’re right and I think we even have that problem with guests. They’re hesitant. Last season, the ones who didn’t make it through the program—almost all of those cases were due to uncertainty: Am I making the wrong decision? And then what happens is they leave the spa, they stop their five by fives, and then, naturally, they stop holding. The ones who weren’t hesitant were usually people who wanted to get rid of damaging memories. But that can be problematic too. They can be too eager.
I: But I’d imagine everyone has at least a little fear about such an enormous life choice.
MI: A little fear is good. It activates the sympathetic nervous system, and as soon as that happens you can see p light up all over. Jaw clenches—I always see that one. Then the peristaltic muscles spasm—little gurgles in the tummy. But when the indecision becomes distracting, then new p mixes with old p, which becomes very uncomfortable very quickly for the turn and their family. Maintenance is everything. Maintenance is personality. And vice versa. The problem is that most people want the quick fix.
I: Have you had any problems with your personality at all?
MI: I’ve been holding well so far. But I’m spoiled—I have the entire crew and the spa available to me all the time.
I: And what happens if you just stop the sessions altogether?
MI: It’s different for everyone. Some thrive no matter what.
I: For example?
MI: I’d rather not discuss that.
I: Why not?
MI: Well, the more we talk about it the more real that possibility becomes. I’d rather that our guests didn’t point their attention in the direction of failure. I’d rather we don’t put those ideas into the airwaves.
I: So you never discuss the negative repercussions?
MI: No, not me. I don’t want that talk out of my mouth. People can get that from the rest of the world. There’s plenty of it around.
I: Seems like community is crucial to making a successful turn.
MI: For sure. We have eighteen employees dedicated exclusively to community support. Your family has to be involved, and usually they are, because they know, intimately, why the turn had to be made in the first place. They were there before the turn. They know what bad p can feel like. And so they’re often the ones who contact us. We appreciate it when family members nominate each other, for whatever reason. Maybe problems have arisen at home. Maybe they’ve already tried psychotherapy or drug rehabilitation and that didn’t work out. So they come to us. In those cases the families are very helpful, from the intervention to the followthrough.
I: Everything has to be so fastidious and controlled for a turn to succeed.
MI: But consider what we’re working against. A history of polluted personality. A lifetime of being numbed to the p that’s all around us. Is that natural?
I: Who do you think is numbing us?
MI: Just culture. [waves his hands around] All of it. Everything. It’s nobody in particular. It’s just the nature of society. You can’t be too sensitive around here. [laughs]
I: Do you think everyone should take a turn?
MI: I don’t make statements like that, but I would hope most people get to truly feel p at some point in life. It would be a shame to miss out on that. I don’t even care how they do it, turn or not. Use any method you like. But it’s as fundamental as anything—food, sleep, shelter, family, personality.
I: In regards to family, I’m thinking of the Martin Mario episode3 and how his wife brought him in…
MI: And that’s a case where Mario—he’s as steadfast as it gets. He’s a house painter, and he often does his p work while he’s painting. And he’s wonderfully sensitive. He smells the latex. He feels the rollers he uses, how they react when he puts pressure on them. He’s made these daily senses important to him. He wasn’t always this way, though. At first, right after he took his turn, his wife used to have to bribe him with sex to get him to do the five by fives. But now he does it on his own because he recognizes himself better when he does. He’s got this whole morning routine when he brushes his teeth and if he notices something off with his personality, he’ll reach into his mouth and rub it out. He’ll just take care of it right there. That’s his trigger spot.
I: I heard him call you his “savior” in an interview.
MI: He saved himself.
I: No need for false modesty here.
MI: Maybe I just don’t want that kind of responsibility.
I: Do you only deal with guests who are suffering?
MI: Yes, that’s what we do.
I: You don’t make cosmetic turns. Like, say, how Donel does.
MI: No.
I: And these family members who are bringing people to you, are they bringing people against their will? Like with Mario. His wife really instigated that, right? He didn’t want to. She was threatening him with divorce.
MI: Yes.
I: Or like what about the Broderick episodes. [3/15/01–6/03/01] That was a tricky situation.4 I was rewatching those shows and—
MI: Long before my time.
I: As far as I know, Broderick wasn’t interested in the program or even generally in PM, and Mayah really had to coax her into participation, right?
MI: Yes.
I: Now see, she didn’t seem like a person who was suffering. She seemed sort of OK with her decision. There’s that photograph of her in the courtroom, smiling and raising her hand in an oath, which, I think that’s how most people think about her. Wearing that smug grin. Pleased with herself. And I heard Broderick actually disliked the movement.
MI: Yes, that’s an important point. Glad you brought it up. I think you’re right. She felt justified. But you’re suggesting that people always know when they need help, and I don’t think that’s true.
I: So who does know? Mayah?
MI: Yes, sometimes doctors, but in that case, it was the state. She was refusing to take part in the other prison therapy programs, and PM was her last option before she was placed in some kind of a solitary confinement situation.
I: So, would you say, in that particular instance, you worked with her against her will?
MI: No, no. She came around.
I: But, come on, like you’re saying, what other choice did she have? Or more importantly, do you think that she really needed this turn? This kind of transformation? I mean, cheating on your wife is terrible, and her husband was certainly not in the right. But still, maybe she didn’t need personality work.
MI: You feel this way? That violence like this is justified?
I: No, not me. I’m just playing the devil’s advocate. I’m just trying to get at—
MI: I understand what you’re asking and I know you want me to say something controversial like “She needed new p whether she wanted it or not.” But I don’t think that way and Mayah doesn’t either. If Broderick didn’t want to take the turn, it wouldn’t have happened. She has to keep up the five by fives. We can’t make her do that.
I: And she did.
MI: Oh yes. Once she experienced the smallest turn, she became very active in the movement. And now she’s holding quite well.
I: And what about your turn—
MI: Mine was a full, hard turn.
I: Harder than most?
MI: Hard for me, but that was the only way I could take it.
I: Why’s that?
MI: Well, because of situations like this interview, which require a certain flow of p. I had to be able to maintain that.
I: Which Masha didn’t have.
MI: [nods]
I: I think that’s true. Masha couldn’t do this—what you’re doing. He was too sensitive. Plus I don’t think he even wanted to.
MI: The way you talk about him it sounds like you had some affection for him?
I: I did, yeah. I always walked away from our talks feeling…curious.
MI: Good, that’s good.
I: But it sounds like you’re satisfied with how things are.
MI: Oh yes, I have a completely fulfilling relationship with my personality now.
I: I read somewhere, some study that said 80 percent of our energy is spent on our personality.
MI: Only if you’re wasteful. I hope I never leak energy like that. But is that how it feels to you? 80 percent?
I: Hm. I guess I’m not sure. I haven’t really thought it through for myself.
MI: I’ll give you a moment, if you want to think about it.
I: [pauses] Yeah, even right now I can definitely feel myself dumping a lot of energy into my personality. Maybe even more than 80 percent.
MI: Could be.
[both laugh]
I: What’s the first memory you have as Marshal?
MI: Mayah’s voice. For sure. When I was on my way out of the turn, her voice started to sing in the background. It was like a rope of words pulling me out of silence. It’s one of those memories that I fall in love with every day. I think a lot of guests who come through here would probably tell you the same thing.
I: It’s funny, I never hear people mention it, but of course, Mayah got her start in radio. Her golden voice was actually the first thing that got her an audience, right?
MI: Mm. There’s so much in it. She’s a great lover of the human voice. That’s why she always addresses the guest’s voice. It’s the foundation for her.
I: Speaking of which—your voice, it’s changed. I noticed it when I saw you onstage. It’s like you have a different throat now. Your words are so thick and—
MI: Is it OK if I stop you there?
I: Sure—
MI: It’s just, I don’t want to step into too many physical memories…It’s not as if I don’t enjoy hearing it, but we’ve already been talking a bit too much in this direction, using his name, and—
I: Sorry, I’ll stop.
MI: Just being responsible. I’m still sensitive. These descriptions are like little seeds that get fertilized in your mind and keep growing.
I: OK, so to keep going on your first memory: Where were you when you were hearing her voice?
MI: On a soundstage. But of course, I didn’t know that at the time. I didn’t know anything really.
I: It’s that brightly colored stage, right? With the koi pond and plants and vines and rocks.
MI: Yep.
I: Was it just Mayah and you?
MI: No. People were passing through, checking on me. They’re all pros. If they do their job right, they just disappear. I didn’t even notice them.
I: I get the sense that Mayah’s pretty fastidious when it comes to her staff.
MI: Oh yeah. All of them know how to keep as dim as possible. Because at that point, when you’re lying there in the tub, when you’ve just come out of it, you’re hungry enough to eat up personality from anyone.
I: And so for you, what did it feel like at that point?
MI: During those first few days it was bodywork all the time. Especially the area around your mouth and eyes. Just getting a feel for all the simple things again, drawing p back into all these parts, building your face from the inside out. I spent a while at Peggy Creek. Longer than most. I had to pass eight goddamn golden nuggets from my liver!
I: And what was the first thing you did as a part of the show?
MI: Choosing the fall lineup—our guests—with Mayah.
I: I read that big piece in Turnstyle a few months back where she walked through the whole application process for guests. The first step is looking over the video, right? And it got me curious: What are you looking for when you watch a video?
MI: Receptivity. Does an applicant seems like she’ll respond to our treatment? You can tell this through movement, definitely, but what I’m always listening for are what we call “pillows.” Are they putting pillows into their speech? Softening it. Are they saying “probably” and “well” in every other phrase? Do they avoid making definitive statements? That’s a way of watering down p, usually on purpose.
I: So once you decide, then what? Prep work?
MI: Yep. We’ll usually start off with a basic time exercise.
I: Can you walk me through it?
MI: Sure. So to start, stand in place, eyes closed, without moving, and try to decide when a minute has passed. That’s all. And no counting. That defeats the purpose. Then check the clock when you’re ready and compare the real time with your own sense of time. Then try two minutes. Then five. Then an hour. Don’t try to get more accurate with it. The point is to understand your time, not SI [Standard International] time.
I: What’s this do?
MI: You’ll learn a lot about your personality this way. All p moves through the body at different rates and if you’re going to take a turn, you should have a well-developed time-telling muscle.
I: So, if I did this exercise every day, it would help me to take a turn?
MI: Maybe. Is that something you’d like to do?
I: I don’t know. Not right now. [notices Ulman motioning to her watch through the window] Oh, hey, speaking of which, looks like we should be finishing up here. I think Shara just gave me the signal.
MI: Oh, yes. I have another interview coming up in a minute. I’d wanted to get in a short rest before it began, but that doesn’t seems like it’s going to happen.
I: Busy man. Sorry to have kept you.
MI: No need to apologize. I’m an adult. I could’ve stopped whenever I wanted to.
1 Regina Yang, Marshal’s in-house stylist.
2 The mountain resort-spa in the San Gabriel Mountains where Mayah’s guests stay during turns.
3 “The Forty-Five-Year-Old Infant,” Aired: 11/1/01
4 Stacey Broderick was arrested for manslaughter after intentionally steering her Dodge minivan at the mistress of her husband [William “Billy” Broderick], breaking several of the woman’s bones and putting her in a coma. Mayah worked with Broderick in prison for several months, filming weekly visits as part of an outreach program.
VI.
January 2004
NEW YORK, NY
In the months following Marshal’s debut, the press swiftly adopted him as Mayah’s rightful heir. He became a regular cover subject for the various cologne-soaked men’s magazines—I counted six major profiles written on him in 2003 alone—and his appearance on the cover of Rolling Stone, with an ethnic rainbow of female hands stroking his face, became an iconic poster image of the early 2000s. An army of cliché-spouting journalists declared him “the spirit of his generation” and he wore the title proudly. Of all demographics, angsty teenage girls seem most immediately drawn to him, and I personally witnessed several of them dissolving into tears at his presence. His personal life also became a conspicuous affair. His casual dating of multiple international fashion models became standard entertainment news fodder, especially his mercurial relationship with the Lithuanian lingerie model Audrey Zelana.
