Follow You Down, page 22
"Exactly." I flipped my hand so I could hold his back.
It was nice, sitting there. Connected to another person. One of the other moms walked by, her gaze dropping to our hands. She smirked, and Luke must have seen it because he released me. "Sorry."
Facing him, I said, "Fuck 'em. Friends can hold hands."
"Is that what we are, Susanna?"
"Of course." I liked him and Troy and Reiner and Henry. I liked the way they looked out for Jilly and how they treated Nate.
And me.
Luke stood, brushing the grass from his trousers. "I should join the game for a bit. Give Rey a breather."
He'd stolen a couple of cones and set up a goal he was defending from Jillian. Without another word, Luke jogged to them while pulling off his suit coat. Dang it. A few of the moms, and a couple of the dads tracked his progress, especially when the tie came off and he undid the top button.
Friends.
37
Luke
I lifted my hand and Jillian passed me the ball. Swerving left and right, and making a show of all the soccer skills I didn't have, I kicked the ball directly to Rey.
"Come on!" Jilly groaned.
The sound of her voice, loud and clear, was still so unfamiliar. All this humor and silliness had been locked inside her.
Rey rolled the ball to Jilly. She really was good, which didn't surprise me. Like Troy, Reiner had been playing his favorite sport with her since she could toddle.
I hung back by the goal, accepting her passes and then dribbling back to her. Her kicks were pretty fierce.
Reiner grunted as he caught one. "Geez, kid."
"She should play on a team," I said quietly.
We'd offered to sign her up this summer for a camp, but she hadn't wanted to. Maybe now she'd be more willing to try. Unlike middle school, she could join a team at any point. When I drove by the elementary school on Saturday, there were tons of kids practicing out on the field.
"Do I ask?" Reiner caught another kick. "Go easy on your dad! I'm old!"
Jillian giggled. "No mercy!"
"Henry would be so proud right now." Reiner rolled his eyes. "She's quoting Karate Kid."
"Hey!" A little boy waved his arm in the air, running toward us. "Can I play?"
I glanced at Jilly, expecting to see a shutdown—eyes on the ground, shoulders slumped. But she nodded. Yeah, she didn't talk, but she kept eye contact and answered—nonverbally—but still.
Reiner rolled the ball to him, and he kicked it right back. He was probably around Jilly's age, but I didn't recognize him from her class. Truth be told, most kids looked alike to me.
I jogged toward her. "Do you know him?"
She nodded. "Calvin. He's in my grade."
"Does he know you?"
Shrugging, she stopped the ball he kicked toward her, then kicked it back. He passed it to her, and in seconds, Reiner and I were totally forgotten.
It was perfect, and for the first time ever Jillian did something I saw kids do all the time.
She played.
Calvin was just the jumping off point. In no time, other kids joined them. Reiner and I moved to the side of the field, watching.
"She's still not talking." He crossed his arms, gaze on the ball.
"No, but she's participating. She looks like she's having fun."
She did. A smile split her lips and her fine hair was coming loose from the braid Henry did last night, flying all over her face.
"Susanna said we were friends." I didn't know why I was saying this out loud. After Henry, and Troy, this was the wrong direction to be going.
"We are."
"I'm grateful for what she's done." I'd thrown my suit coat down earlier and shoved my tie in my pocket. Walking toward it, I looked over my shoulder at my daughter. She hadn't noticed Reiner and I weren't playing. "Troy and Henry are, too."
Reiner pushed his sunglasses onto his head and lifted his eyebrows. "I don't think what Troy and Henry feel is just gratitude, Luke." He huffed a laugh and shook his head. "I don't think it's what you feel either."
"We can't do it again."
Shaking his head, he stood quietly.
"Rey."
He exploded, barely keeping his voice at a whisper. "What do you want me to say? Yeah, seems like this is just our fuckin' kink. Turns out it wasn't about Merit, but whatever messed up trauma bond we share?" Reiner pointed to Jilly. "You know what will happen. She's just coming out of her shell. I'm not setting her up for failure because I can't keep my dick in my pants."
"Jesus!" I studied the area around us, but the kids were too loud for anyone to hear us.
Besides, he was right. Jillian was coming out of her shell because of her time with Susanna.
"Merit messed with our heads, and none of us have dated in three years. Of course you'd fall for the first person who was nice to you."
"I've dated."
"You've fucked," Reiner corrected. "All of us have. But we haven't dated. Bringing someone for drinks so you're wasted enough you won't see Merit's face doesn't count."
His words—as right as they were—made me sick to my stomach. "I need to think."
"You need to pick someone else. We all do. It's not fair to Jillian, and it's not fair to Susie or Nate."
Friends. Susanna'd said we were friends. It was a lot, having a friend outside of these three guys I knew my whole life. A friend who wasn't a business associate, or a client. Someone I could talk to when shit got heavy.
A beautiful, sexy-as-hell friend.
Turning toward Susanna, I watched her watch Nate. She reached up, pulling her hair out of the ponytail and dragged her fingers through it. The long, tan line of her neck appeared as she scraped it to one side and braided it quickly.
Her skin was soft, and her bones delicate. The skin around her short nails stained from paint or ink. Jilly's were stained today, too, and I bet it was from whatever they used at Susanna's house.
"What if it's just me, then? And just her?" Had I really said that? I pushed my arm into one sleeve of my jacket and then the other before hooking the tie around my neck. Facing Rey, I straightened my shoulders.
He stared at me, eyes narrowed, hands clenching and unclenching at his sides like he wanted to punch me. "No."
Cocking my head to the side, I blinked. "You don't get to say no. If you don't want her, fine. If Henry and Troy do? Fine."
"Not fine." He mocked my word, but his expression fell. "Don't do this, Luke."
I hadn't done anything, not yet. Jesus. I wanted to. Susanna twirled the end of her braid, her posture slumped as she watched the practice. It was easy to imagine myself next to her. My hand on hers. Her head resting on my shoulder.
Susanna carried a calm that seeped into my bones when I was around her. My head was clear, even as I became swamped with wanting her.
"I'm talking to Troy and Henry later." Pulling each end of the tie, I got it in place to knot.
"They're going to lose their shit."
I huffed, straightening the knot at my neck. "What the fuck else is new? Hey, Jillybean!" I called out to her, waving a hand to get her over to me. She ran, cheeks bright pink, hair sticking to her sweaty neck. I leaned over to kiss her, then blew a raspberry on her cheek. "I've gotta go back to the gallery. I'll see you tonight, but you'll probably be in bed."
Her little arms wrapped around my neck and I stood, hugging her tight, then lowered her back to the ground. "Bye!" She ran off, and that was it.
I didn't merit a backward glance, apparently.
"See you tonight." I didn't bother looking at Rey. His tightly reined in anger was a vibration coming off his skin.
Unsurprisingly, he didn't answer.
38
Susanna
"What's going on with you and the dads?" The deep voice came out of nowhere, startling me. Jordan sat down, stretched his long legs out on the blanket and rested back on his hands.
"Excuse me?" The question was out of nowhere, and even if something had been going on—it wasn't his business.
"I moved here about a decade ago, and their 'marriage'—" He made finger quotes and I immediately wanted to do something unhinged. "—was the talk of the town. Where I'm from, that never would have been okay, but for some reason, it was fine here. Of course, it wasn't really fine. People were just used to it. Do you know what happened? With their wife? If there weren't other coaches, I'd never let my kid be on a team with that guy." He glared in Troy's direction.
Deep breaths. I was silent for as long as it took me to take three deep ones.
"What's your goal here?" I asked. "Shock me? Jordan, I'm thirty-eight years old—"
"You don't look thirty-eight."
And oh-my-fucking-God right there. Right there was the minute I stood on the precipice of actual physical violence.
The stupid smirk on his face told me that line had worked on other women, and he probably expected me to swoon. But what he'd actually done was interrupt me in the most condescendingly misogynistic way imaginable. My palms itched as blood rushed from my body into my face. Heat blasted down my spine and I tasted metal.
"You're beautiful, Susanna, but everyone will be talking about you, and they're not as nice as I am. Then there's Nate, and middle school is tough already." He shook his head. I'd gone from angry to gobsmacked, struggling to formulate a response. "The kids will be merciless." He smiled blandly, fake compassion written all over his features. Another mom walked by, and he glanced up at her, then down her body.
"And their daughter…" He stared at Jilly—perfect, innocent, spicy little Jilly—and lowered his voice. "She's messed up. Doesn't talk at all. You can just imagine the shit she's seen, even if her crazy mother didn't try to…" He trailed off, staring at me with wide eyes as he left the rest unsaid.
Just when I thought I couldn't be more offended, this fuuu—"Jordan, I'm gonna talk slow so you process this." He was still smiling, so I decided to keep it simple. "Fuck off."
The smile immediately disappeared. Good.
"Fuck off with your small-minded bullshit, and your pearl-clutching. Then, stuff your moral indignation up your ass. First off, who the fuck starts a conversation like this? Do you really think gossiping will make me respect you? And secondly, if you think I couldn't see through your threat about Nate, well…" I laughed and held the wide-eyed stare that began to morph into something meaner. "He can handle himself. And so can I. You don't know us at all."
"I'm trying to help—"
"Bullshit." I rummaged in my bag and found my sunglasses. Sliding them onto my face, I waved a hand toward the practice. "We're done."
He sat there for a second, but I didn't bother looking at him. Sweat prickled my back and beneath my arms and I was so mad I could feel tears gathering at the corners of my eyes. If there was one thing I hated, it was that I cried when I got mad—really mad.
Standing, he loomed over me for another moment. "Cunt."
"What did you just say?" Luke's voice was barely above a growl.
Jordan didn't answer, but continued on his way, shoulder checking Luke as he walked by.
"Did I hear him right?" Luke asked.
The tears I'd been holding back spilled down my cheeks. With me sitting on the blanket, and my oversized glasses, I hoped Luke wouldn't see me crying, but I couldn't be sure. Not trusting my voice yet, I shrugged, then shook my head. Better to answer no. I wasn't looking to be rescued.
Luke dropped down next to me. I turned my head to the side quickly, wiping the tears on my shoulder.
"Susanna." My name was just a breath on his lips. In a much harder voice, he went on, "What did he say?"
I swallowed. "Nothing. It's allergies."
"We're friends, remember?" He slid a hand over mine while cupping my face with the other until I met his gaze. His dark eyes roamed over me, taking in the spots on my cheeks I knew were wet. "We'll–I'll—kill him." And for a second, he looked like he would. Those slightly upturned eyes narrowed, dark brows knitting together as his jaw clenched. But his thumb was gentle over my skin, swiping back and forth. "Talk to me."
"It's nothing. I pissed him off. He didn't handle it well."
A woman walked by and I happened to peer at her. It was the one from earlier who Jordan had checked out. Now, she bit her lip, like she was trying to hide a smile.
The whole situation was ridiculous, and—mean. Getting slut shamed by Jordan, and then laughed at by a stranger? I clasped Luke's hand where it covered mine on the blanket.
He sighed, staring after the woman as she walked away. Frowning, he swore under his breath, then, "I'm sorry."
It wasn't his fault, just like it hadn't been mine. He began to pull his hand away, but I squeezed tighter. "Stop. Fuck them."
Lifting his eyebrows, he studied me. "He said something about me. About us." His gaze darted to Reiner and then Troy. "Of course he did."
"He's a sad little man who has to resort to name calling and threats when he gets rejected. It just made me mad." I turned my head away from the field and took off my sunglasses. I could feel him watching me as I pressed the heels of my hands against my eyes and then wiped my face. "Sorry. I cry when I get mad."
"Hey, Susie!"
Quickly, I grabbed my glasses before Nate could see my blotchy face, but I was clumsy and they fell out of my hands.
"What's up, buttercup?" I asked, infusing lightness into my voice..
He went from smiling to serious almost faster than Luke. "What happened?" Glaring at Luke, he stabbed a finger at him. "What did you do?"
"Nothing. I just got mad about something and Luke was making me feel better. You know how I get." The poor kid really did. As much as I hated it, he was the one who saw me cry over stupid videos and after getting frustrated with the internet company.
"Oh. You're better?" He touched my shoulder, the closest thing to a voluntary hug I got these days.
"Yeah." I smiled, but it wobbled. "What did you need?" I reached into my bag. "Gatorade? Water? Protein bar?"
He shook his head. "A bunch of the guys are getting together after practice to play video games. Can I go?"
"Whose house?" I didn't know many of the kids, and if it was Jordan's, well…
"Arlo." He pointed at the kicker. "That's his mom."
Who was sitting next to the smirker. Great. "Let me talk to her first, okay?"
Nate sighed. "Really?"
"Yeah. I don't know her. I at least need her name and number. Maybe an address." I stood, dusting off my butt and put my hands on my hips. "Cool?"
"No, but fine." He crossed his arms, doing a damn good impression of me, and glared.
I smiled down at Luke. "Thanks."
Smoothly, he stood up. "I didn't do anything."
But he had. I'd been so alone for so long. Having someone on my side and holding my hand while I pulled myself together, meant more than he could know. "You did." I stared toward the bleachers. "Wish me luck."
"You could just let me go," Nate reminded me, making Luke chuckle.
"I think your water break is over." Luke pointed to the rest the team, and the two of them headed toward the field.
It was time to do the responsible parent thing.
Walking toward Arlo's mom, I raised my hand in greeting. "Hi."
She smiled at me, then sort of twisted when the mom next to her nudged her very obviously in the side. I ignored it.
"Nate asked me about going to Arlo's house. I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Susanna." I held out my hand and she shook it, but her smile was confused.
"Going to the house?" she asked.
"To play video games after practice. Or did they make plans without asking you first? Nate does that sometimes, or he did where we used to live."
"No, no." She shook her head. "Sorry. Arlo did ask me. I just didn't know Nate was coming, too. I have a minivan, but it only fits seven, and my husband is coming later, but his car fits seven, and—"
Turning, I did a quick head count. There were fifteen kids on the team.
That was seven in her car, seven in her husband's.
And Nate.
The only kid on the team not invited. Except he was.
Just, apparently, not by the parents.
Gritting my teeth, I faced her again and smiled. "I can bring him. It's not a problem. What was your name?"
Peering at the smirker and then away, she said a little dazed, "Ronnie. Ronnie Wallins."
"It's nice to meet you, Ronnie. Thanks for including Nate. You know how hard it can be when you move somewhere and you're making friends." I waved a hand at Nate who was watching. "I appreciate you including him with the rest of the team."
The entire team.
I stared at her, letting her see that I wasn't stupid, but I was just pretending not to understand what was going on. Let her sit with that and realize how shitty a thing it was to invite fourteen of fifteen kids.
To her credit, she blushed. "No problem. We're having pizza and parents are picking up at seven."
"Awesome. Can I give you some money for pizza? That's a lot of kids to feed."
"Thanks, but no. We tend to take turns having the kids over after practices throughout the season, so it all evens out."
The smirker elbowed her again. I stared at the spot she connected, then the woman.
"Susanna." I held out my hand. "Who's mom are you?"
Smirker pointed to one of the linebackers. A sweet kid who'd Nate had mentioned a couple of times. "Thomas's. I'm Katelyn." After a moment, she shook my hand.
"Nice to meet you. Nate and Thomas seem to have a lot in common. He's talked about him at home."
She lifted her eyebrows. "That's nice."
"Isn't it." I stared at her until she looked away first. "So is there a schedule? Or a group chat? I want to make sure I have the kids over and feed them as well. Especially if it's tradition."
"No, actually, there isn't." Katelyn pulled out her phone and started to type. "We work it out before practices start. Maybe next year." Sliding her phone into her purse, she glanced at me. "We're a pretty tight knit group, you know, and it's important that we keep the kids safe. We want to make sure their parents are good people."
