Almost There, page 5
“Yes, that kind,” he said. “I wish I hadn’t let her down.”
He shook his head. “We got to business and now somehow we’re back to my love life. Why Lord?” He looked up at the sky.
My lips twisted up like my feelings. “You still love her.”
He laughed. “I haven’t even talked to her in nearly eight years.”
“I didn’t say you talked to her. I said you love her.”
I could tell he didn’t want to discuss it anymore. I’d gone too far. I knew that.
“I haven’t loved her for a long time. It doesn’t mean I don’t wish I’d done right by her.”
I let that stir around in my mind for a minute. “I like that. A man with a conscience. A man who learns from his mistakes. Does that transfer over into business?”
He smiled. “It certainly does.”
“Mr. Johnson, you and I are getting closer to having us a deal.”
He laughed. “Now you’re teasing me.
I reached for my phone and put on more Donna Summer. I sang my favorite. My dad’s favorite...MacArthur’s Park.
I heard a squeal that startled me. I saw two kids jumping up from their place on the circle. The girl’s blouse open as they rushed back into the car. The back door was only one that opened.
I felt sad for a moment. I had no idea what it was like to have sex with a man because you wanted him. I stole a peek at Mekhi.
“Lover’s lane. It brings the passion out in people,” I said.
“The passion came out in the car when you started singing, and it really continued in that last song.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and remembered my father. I remembered how he clapped for me as I danced around the living room with a hairbrush and a towel on my head. They were nice memories, but they made my heart ache so much. I opened my eyes, looked down into the hole and fought tears. He left me too soon.
“Benx,” Mekhi said. “You okay?”
I cleared my throat. “Yeah, I was thinking about how Donna Summer makes me feel. You’re right. I’m passionate about her music.”
“So, you never answered my question about your father.”
I paused. “That’s why I brought you here. I wanted to come, but I didn’t want to be alone.” I hesitated some more. “I needed to come tonight because I don’t know when I’ll visit Grandma Lacy again.”
Mekhi waited for me to go on.
“This is where my father died. He jumped.
Chapter 6
Mekhi
Silence filled the car on the way back to the hotel. I didn’t know what to say to Benxi. She was so vulnerable and alone in the world, or at least that’s how she came across. She’d shared that she had no siblings. No one had heard from her drug addict mother since she was three years old. She was presumed to be dead, buried in an unmarked grave somewhere. Her family situation was sad. I couldn’t imagine being that alone. I had my brother, Wang. He had my back. I had my mother and a pretty good sized family. I wasn’t really close to any of them, but I could get close if I wanted to. It was me who kept my distance.
I had goals. I had things I wanted to accomplish and I felt like my family would pull me down. I mean, they likely wouldn’t now that I had the label, but in the past they were known to have a negative thing or two to say. I learned early on, if you wanted to rise above your family and friends, you likely had to leave them behind. They could only fly as high as the wings on their mind would let them. My people had clipped wings, taped wings, and no wings. I wasn’t going to let anyone stop me from getting my thing done.
“I hope I didn’t say too much,” Benxi offered weakly.
I was driving. I glanced at her and she looked at me. We caught each other’s eyes and I shook my head before turning back to the road.
She continued, “I don’t know why I even told you all that stuff.”
“Don’t be embarrassed. We’ve all been hurt, and everybody has a past.”
“You got one?”
“Of course, but if I tell you what it is, you might not sign with me.” I laughed lightly.
She stammered through her words. “It can’t be any worse than mine.”
I agreed with her, so rather than try to make light of it, I reached for her hand. I could feel her eyes boring into the side of my head, but I kept my eyes on the road. I intended a brief squeeze, but she latched on and made it difficult for me to let go. The first opportunity I had to take my hand back, I did.
I pulled into the parking lot of the hotel and shut the truck off. “You had a bad situation. But look what you’ve done with your life. You don’t have anything to be ashamed of.”
She nodded. “I know that. But sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating, Mekhi. Like I need something other than my career.”
I had no response. I knew where she was going. Women always wanted more. I thought about Zannia needing to go build her career, but still unsure of whether or not she could or should leave me. I didn’t understand that. Why wouldn’t she accept that she was supposed to leave me behind? I looked at Benxi and then I understood. Zannia’s background wasn’t much different. Brokenness. Orphaned young. Desperate to make something out of herself so she could survive.
“It’s almost three. You ready to go home?” I asked.
She shook her head. “Can I stay with you? I mean...you have an extra bed?”
I nodded. She obviously could afford her own room, but I didn’t question why she felt the need to get up in mine.
“Okay, cool. I don’t want to sleep at home and I need some rest.”
I opened the door and came around to open hers. I handed her the keys to her vehicle and we entered the hotel through the side door to the lobby. We took the stairs to the second floor and within sixty seconds we were inside my room. She dropped her handbag on the desk, pulled the tie off her hair and kicked off her shoes.
I stared at her for a moment. She was a beautiful woman. Petite, but curvy in all the places a man wanted to look. Her skin was clear of any kind of blemishes or pimples. She had huge, brown eyes that had a dreamy quality and nice lips. Really nice lips. I swallowed and turned away in the direction of my bed to cut the sexual tension I’d introduced into the room with my gawking.
“I’m going to use the bathroom.” I heard her steps and then the bathroom door close.
I wondered where this was going. I locked the door, removed my shoes, and sat on the bed. I emptied my pockets, stopping briefly to read the lyrics to “Almost There.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I noted my phone’s message alert light. Five text messages from Zannia. I raked my hand over my head. I wasn’t sure what the best course of action was with her. Rip off the bandage by ignoring her or let her down easy with short brief shots of what she wanted. I wanted to do the right thing, but I wasn’t sure what that was. Her messages were getting so desperate that it seemed like she was someone other than the confident woman I’d been kicking it with for the past six months. I deleted the messages from Zannia, but I couldn’t delete the way things went down from my memory.
I entered the apartment and she ran and leapt onto my body. It was awkward. Zannia was as tall as I was. Six feet to my six foot one. The only females that jumped on me were kids. But now she with all 72 inches and 120 pounds had her arms and legs around me.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” she said. Her Jamaican accent was sweet sounding coming from her breathy lips.
“I can see that.”
“I’ve been waiting to tell you my good news, mon.”
“Me see,” I said in my best patwa. We kissed. I walked us to the chaise, unpeeled her, and she dropped playfully onto the cushion.
“I got Belle.” She smiled and tears filled her eyes. “I’m the new Belle of the Ball.”
I snatched my head back. Belle of the Ball was the most coveted modeling spot in the history of modeling. More important than Victoria Secret’s Angels or whatever they were.
“Are you kidding?”
“Me no know kidding, mon.” Her smile was as wide as the panoramic view of the city outside the window. She slipped back into what she called her ‘Ivy League College English’ and said, “Blair called me yesterday. She already has the contract, Mekhi. She’s reviewing it. This is done. All I have to do is sign it.”
I took a seat next to her. I couldn’t believe it. “You’ll be traveling all over the world.”
“I know. It’s amazing.” Zannia chuckled, her slim shoulders rose and fell with her light laughter. She deserved this. She’d worked hard for it.
I sighed. This job presented an opportunity for me. The relationship timer in my head beeped a few weeks ago. We needed to part ways before I hurt her.
“Where’s your home base going to be?”
She looked confused when she asked, “What do you mean?”
“I mean...a city you have to live in.”
She frowned. “I love Miami. I’m not leaving.”
“I don’t think it works like that, Zannia. I think you have to be wherever they want you to be. Likely Paris or New York City. Belle International is in Paris and New York is the fashion capital of the U.S.”
“I know that, but...” She shook her head. “Blair would have told me that.”
“She probably assumed you knew.” I stood, loosened my tie and entered the bedroom to remove my shoes.
Zannia was behind me, her cell in hand, placing a call.
“Who are you calling?”
“Blair. I’m going to ask her. I want to know.”
I heard the phone ring because she had it on speaker. I undressed as she waited for the call. Her agent picked up right away. Zannia was going to make this woman a fortune. She’d always get her calls answered going forward.
I went into the restroom and let Zannia handle her call. She wanted this to be an us type of situation, but this was her career. Her conversation.
When I came out of the shower she was sitting on the bed staring out the window. “I have to move to New York. There’s an apartment for me and everything.”
I came to stand near her. “I figured that.”
“Are you hungry?”
I knew she didn’t want to think about the move. She always changed the subject to food when she was avoiding something.
I shook my head. “I ate a late lunch.”
“You should still have dinner.”
“I’ll get a snack later,” I said. “So, you’re out of here.”
She nodded. “It seems so.”
Tension filled the air. I tried to break it by keeping conversation moving. Zannia hadn’t processed relocating. “Big change, NYC.”
“Can’t say I like the city much.”
“You’ll like it when you’re being treated like a queen. New York is different from the backseat of a limo.”
She tried to muster up some enthusiasm. “It won’t be like running from place to place on go-sees.”
I smiled. “Baby, I’m happy for you.”
She tilted her head. “I’m going to miss you. I...” she paused. “Long distance relationships can be hard.”
I didn’t want to talk about that yet. “Did you call your brother?”
She shook her head. “I wanted to tell you first.”
“Call him. He’ll be happy for you.”
“Thrilled is more like it.”
I had a hard time associating a word like thrilled with Zander Kelly, but I encouraged her nonetheless. “Call him.”
“He’s not even going to believe me. I mean, who would have thought two poor Jamaican kids would come to the U.S. and be so successful.”
I leaned closer to her. Kissed her on the lips and whispered, “You did.”
She cupped my face in her hands and kissed me again.
“You should call him right now. He needs to know.”
“You’re right.” She rolled off the bed, swiped her phone from the dresser, and left the room to make her call.
A few days later, the long distance relationship comment rolled off her lips again. Her excitement. Her joy. I disrupted all of that with seven words. “I think we should take a break.”
“A break?” Her head tilted like she wasn’t sure she’d heard me right. “What kind of a break?”
“A break in this relationship.”
“I know what you’re saying, Mekhi, but why would we need a break? I’m not going to Mars.”
“We’ve been solid for a minute, but this is important. This job is your entire career.”
“And that means I have to do it by myself?”
“You need to be focused.”
“I’ve been focused. How do you think I got the job in the first place?”
I sighed. “Those people are going to put more pressure on you than any other model that’s ever had the job. You do realize they haven’t had a black Belle in over ten years.”
She stood. Her eyes flashed with anger. “I know it’s a lot of work. You don’t have to tell me that. Modeling is a lot of work period.”
“You need to be focused. Not worried about me or us.”
“Not worried. Why would I worry if we’ve been like you said...solid?”
“Because I’m here and in Atlanta and when I’m not in those two places I’m in L.A. but rarely in New York, so when would we...” I paused and she jumped at the break to have her say.
“I’ll be making over a million dollars a year. I think I can find a flight and come see my man.”
I raised my faced out palms between us to diffuse the temper in her voice. “You don’t need to have to do that. You don’t need the added pressure.”
She dropped her voice an octave when she spoke this time. “When did you become pressure? When is love pressure?”
I swallowed. She and I had never said that word before. It was not one I used lightly and it was not one she’d conveyed. Not with her lips.
“I love you,” she said as if she’d read my mind. “I love you and I don’t want a break from that.” She stepped closer. “We can make this work.”
“We,” I emphasized the word, “have to want to make it work. I want you to go out there and do your thing. I don’t want you to be trying to fit me in.”
“But –”
“We weren’t that far along, Zannia, so with this change, I think we should take a break.”
“I just said I loved you.” She dropped to the sofa. “Did you hear me say it?”
I sighed. “I didn’t know you felt that way.”
“So you don’t love me. I mean, you obviously don’t feel anything for me. I’m just someone you been up in here sleeping with and eating with and talking to and sharing your dreams with.”
“Zannia...”
Tears began to stream down her face. “Don’t you tell me you didn’t know.”
“I don’t presume how anyone feels.”
“But you’re not stupid. You know what love feels like. You know when a woman loves you.”
I sighed again. I knew, but I wasn’t going to admit it. I’d been planning this break up before. Now I wished I’d already taken care of it. You always wished this kind of conversation was behind you.
“Look, baby, go be Zane without having a man on your radar. Go make your mark on the world.”
“I want to make that mark with you in my life.” She stood, walked over to me and wrapped her arms around me. “Please, don’t go.”
I swallowed. Was this how it was going to go? Begging. I’d been tempted to text her, but I couldn’t do that. I was a man. I stood up to my mess because I hadn’t always done right.
I pulled her close. Let her feel the strength of my affection. It was there, but it wasn’t love. It wasn’t love because there was only one woman I really loved. I hadn’t gotten over her.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.” She pulled away from me. “Let’s be together until I go.”
“I think it’s better now so you have some time to get your head right.”
She paced a few steps and asked, “There’s no one else?”
“No one.”
She stepped back and laughed bitterly. “I’m further insulted. You don’t want me, period. I’d prefer it be about someone else.”
I shook my head. “You’d prefer the truth.”
Zannia sighed hard. “Who told you that?”
I walked to the door and placed my hand on the knob.
“Wait,” she called. “Aren’t you going to...you have things here.”
I could tell she was desperate to keep me in the room which made me feel even worse. I cleared my throat. “I have them already.”
More hurt clouded her gorgeous face. “You packed today?” She referenced the few things I kept here.
I didn’t reply.
“You bastard. This is not about me moving.”
“Z—”
“Get out!”
It had been less than three weeks since our breakup. The text messages were coming at a rate of ten or so a day. Rufus said I should block her, but that seemed cruel. I was already sending her calls to voicemail. I figured I’d let her run out of steam. She’d give up eventually. Things would come to a head, slow down, and stop altogether.
I knew my timing was bad, but this was for the best. I needed to work on taking my label to the next level. I didn’t have time for a relationship with Zannia or anyone right now. Women complicated things. Which is why this young beautiful woman-child in the restroom concerned me. She was needy. I wasn’t sure how much her messed up history would impact what I needed her to do.
The bathroom door opened. Benxi walked to the other bed. She’d washed her face. She’d also put her hair in large plaits and pulled them into a ponytail. “I’m still not sleepy.”
I had no idea what that inferred at this time of morning. “You’ll probably rest as soon as your head hits the pillow. You’ve been going for almost twenty-four hours.”
My words ended when she walked toward me. She put her hands on my shoulder, leaned into me, and put her lips on mine. We kissed for a long time. I was careful to let her lead, not pull her down on my lap, or on the bed like I wanted to. I gave as good as I got and when she was done, had to have air, she lifted her head and said, “I needed tonight.”
