The Devil's Wife, page 23
"You won't. I won't let you.”
"I think maybe this is because I never faced what happened when I was a kid. I never allowed myself to feel it. I thought if I allowed myself to feel it, I'd break into a million pieces. I think I need to go back there and face it. I need someone to help me do that.”
"We'll do it together.”
"Do you know how much I love you?"
"I do.”
"No … I mean … how much I really really love you.”
"We will get through this together, hon. Just come home. I love you too. You know that. That's our strength. That's why we are going to be okay. Our love will pull us through.”
"When this is over … you and I are going to move away from this place to somewhere warm.”
Maria looks out at the deep snow.
"That sounds nice.”
When Sisters Agnes and Theresa brought Nina back to the convent two days before, Mother Superior told her she was no longer allowed to go near the edge of the property or she would be locked up. Nina knew exactly what locked up meant – the basement, the dungeon – the place where girls were made to go and then never seen again. There was talk that two girls long ago were still living there and had turned into varmints that Mother Superior let loose at night to keep away foxes and coyotes.
The nuns always follow the same path when they walk in the garden, but the children go everywhere they are allowed, to play, to explore. Perhaps it will never occur to the nuns to step off the path. Stepping off the path is what the children do best and Nina is the best of all of them. She knows all sorts of detours and hiding places. She knows once she gets to the far edge where the laurels cover the wall, she can slip through the branches and there along the ground is a hole not more than two feet wide that can get her to the other side- where she can run down the hill to the ancient stone cottage and the beautiful lady with the green eyes. She will have to be more careful this time because now the nuns are watching her every move. If they catch her, she is certain; it will surely be her death.
It was yesterday when nobody was looking that she walked out of the chapel prayer session, pushed through some brambles and headed for the front gate. She had no idea what she would do when she got there.
Sister Arthur was waiting for her on the path. She folded her big arms and looked down at her, her black robe flapping in a gust of wind.
“I believe Mother Superior told you not to go near the perimeter of the property?”
“I’m not,” Nina said with all the cockiness she could muster. “ I’m on the property, I’m just exploring.”
“ You’re sneaking around, looking for a way to get out.”
Nina said nothing.
“You’re supposed to be in chapel.”
“I’ll go back.” Nina turned to make her escape, but Sister Arthur was too quick. She grabbed her elbow.
“Not so fast. I think you should spend the rest of the afternoon in the room above the kitchen, where I can keep my eye on you. It's time for your nap.”
Nina was too old for naps, but she was not about to argue with Sister Arthur who was a monster. Her massive grip was turning Nina’s elbow purple.
The room above the kitchen is much better than Nina had envisioned. It has its own bed and bathroom. A little silver bolt on the door delights her and she quickly slides it into place, locking the door from the inside. The bed has a much better mattress then her own. The bathroom has blue tile the color of robin’s eggs and a porcelain sink so big she could sit in it. In the corner is a large bath tub with four small curved metal feet that look like little lambs hooves. When she turns the faucets on they erupt with big belching sounds that make her laugh out loud. The girl’s dormitory only has showers and the faucets always leak. She has never bathed in a real bathtub before least that she can remember. She likes the room very much and would not mind living in it the rest of her life. If this was Sister Arthur’s idea of punishment, she’d take it any day of the week.
At about six in the evening, the usual time for Convocation, the door knob in Nina's room turns followed by a sharp knocking.
“ Nina, open this door.” Sister Arthur yells.
Nina has no intention of opening up. Sister Arthur can wait until the Second Coming for all she cares. She pushes the bed against the door because she knows Sister Arthur has the strength of a beast. She will stay in the room forever. She does not care if she goes hungry. She never wants to see the monster again.
More loud knocking. “ If you don’t open up I’ll break the door down!”
And with that, the door bursts open, the silver latch dangling from the broken door jam, the bed pushed aside as if it is made of paper. Sister Arthur’s huge body fills the doorway, her cheeks red, her eyes a dance of fury.
Nina ducks and cringes, expecting to be thrown to the floor and whipped with a belt. When none of this happens, Nina looks up. Sister Arthur is taking in long deep breathes and in a calm controlled voice tells Nina to take all her clothes off. Nina does not protest. She takes her pants and shirt off, slowly steps out of her underpants. Sister Arthur triumphantly looks down on her. Nina covers her private parts with her hands. She seizes Nina around the back of her neck and marches her into the bathroom. She turns on the faucet and begins filling the tub.
“I’m sorry. I should have opened the door," Nina says, the fight in her replaced by intense fear. “ I apologize for running away and I know that worries you. I know you are a kind person. Some of the girls call you a monster, but I don’t…really I don’t.”
When the tub is full, Sister Arthur places her enormous hands under Nina’s armpits and hoists her in like she is a feather.
“ What are you doing? This water is freezing.” Nina shivers but tries to control her panic.
“Sit still and don’t speak.”
Sister Arthur opens a closet beside the sink, takes out a scrub brush and a bar of brown laundry soap. She rolls the sleeves of her robe up above her elbows. “ We are going to clean your body and your soul.” She bends over the tub, grabs both of Nina’s shoulders and plunges her down into the freezing water until her head is completely submerged.
Nina gasps for air, but takes in only water. The monster is going to kill her. She will never breathe again. She will never get to see the Seven Wonders of the World. This is much worse than a whipping, much worse than anything ever done to her. If she screams, someone will surely hear her; someone will restrain the monster and free her. Help! Help! She opens her mouth wide only to swallow more water. I’m dying. …I’m dying.
She remembers the girl of the night sky- I don’t want to die…
Nina flails her hands upward reaching for something, anything. She gets one shoulder loose and shoots her hand out of the water. Desperately, she scratches the sides of the porcelain tub, opens her eyes, the scrunched up face of the monster bearing down on her through the blur of the water- her teeth brighter than anything in the room.
Sister Arthur’s wimple is inches above her. Nina reaches up and grabs the ends of it, holding with all the strength she possesses. And pulls. Sister Arthur rears back, taking Nina with her. Nina comes up, out of the water kicking her feet onto Arthur’s stomach like a small crab clinging to a stick.
Arthur stands up, Nina draped and cloying around her body. She gets a foothold on the nun's big stomach like it is a shelf in a rock wall, hoists herself up to Sister Arthur's face, and clamps down on her cheek; spurts of blood hitting her in the eye. Sister Arthur lets out a scream as Nina clings to her with everything she has, their screams joining together as Nina continues to bite her face, tasting her flesh and blood with an animal ferocity. Who’s the monster now? Who’s the monster now?!
Nuns rush into the room. One grabs Nina’s shoulders, another her waist but Nina will not unclamp her mouth. She only stops kicking when she feels the hands of someone she trusts. Sister Agnes looks into her eyes and she knows she is safe.
It is Wednesday evening. The Sisters of Passion bare their left shoulders for the chanting of the Miserere, an ancient psalm of repentance. Their knotted leather whips whistle through the air, landing with a snap as they strike their flesh. With each blow they pray for the exaltation of the Church, for peace on earth and for the souls in Purgatory.
Sister Agnes always includes all the men and women in captivity. It is not enough for her to be sorry for past offenses. It is important as a Sister of Passion to make reparation- not just for her sins, but for every sin ever committed. This evening she prays in particular for Nina. She prays that Penance will strip the girl of her self-will and self-love and guide her past all the obstructions leading to God’s love.
Nina waits on a wooden bench outside the chapel. It is not the first time she has heard the chanting and whipping. She hopes her punishment will only be a few lashes. She can handle that- anything but the dungeon.
When the psalm ends, the convent enters the Great Silence. The nuns cover their shoulders, rise from their stalls and exit. Sister Agnes passes Nina, giving her a bright smile before she continues down the hall.
The Mother Superior, along with the Living Rule, wait for the nuns to leave. They sit down on either side of Nina and stare at her for a long moment making Nina very nervous. She begins to tremble. Then bursts into tears. Both wait for her crying to subside. The quivering hand of the Living Rule gives Nina a tissue and she blows her nose. Nina does not mind the Living Rule even though she is awfully bent over, with rotted skin and eyes glassy from cataracts.
“ Do you think we are keeping you here against your will?” The Living Rule asks.
There is no hiding from the truth. God can smell a lie a million miles away. Nina suspects the Living Rule to have the same ability as God and that she too can see into the core of her soul.
“Yes,” she blows her nose again,” I think I am being kept here against my will.”
The Living Rule glances up at Mother Mary Grace, alarmed.
“She truly believes this.”
“ You do believe that God loves each of us?” Mother Mary Grace asks.
“I do.”
“Do you believe you were put here by God’s will?”
“Yes, everything is God’s will.”
“And God loves you…you believe that?”
“I believe that.”
“You believe that with all your heart and soul?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Believing that is the most perfect act of faith, Nina.” Mother Mary Grace places a hand on her shoulder. “ So the God who you believe loves you has placed you here among the Sisters for what purpose?”
Nina looks back and forth between the two nuns trying to dig deep for the truth.
“ I don’t know.”
“For prayer…For our Lord's sake, that’s why we…you are here. Prayer!”
“ If you say so Mother.”
The Mother Superior grabs Nina’s leg with a grip that rivals Sister Arthur. “ You do know we have penalties for those who break the Rule…severe penalties.”
Nina’s heart pounds in her throat. There is something in the Mother Superior’s face that is not human. It is as if her face is an accidental assemblage of features. Some parts could be the lumps inside an old oak or the grey patterns on the floor in the dormitory. When she opened her mouth wide with the words” …severe penalties…” it looked like the screeching mouths of the coyotes before they tore their prey apart. Nina feels certain the Mother wants to kill her.
She buries her face in the crumpled tissue. She needs to do something dramatic to change Mother Mary Grace’s idea of her.
Nina thows herself on the floor and lies prostate before the nuns.
“Oh please help me. I have been a sinner. I do not deserve to walk in the garden of Christ. I have betrayed the Lord and I ask for his forgiveness. I am unworthy and beastly.” She looks up at the nuns her face covered in tears. “ I do not feel I have the right to ask God for favors. I have hurt him and he has given me more chances then I deserve. I am prepared to struggle to find my way back to his grace if you can help me Mother.” She holds the Mother Superior’s foot for dramatic emphasis.” I am so sorry. I am so sorry. Sometimes Mother, I…even doubt.”
Mother Mary Grace reaches down and pulls Nina to her bosom. She rocks her back and forth. “ It’s alright dear; doubt comes to all of us.”
Nina has no doubts.
This morning, at the far side of the garden where the laurel meets the brick wall, Nina drops her missal, pushes the branches aside and crawls through the hole. Her life will never be the same again. There will be no more second chances, no more turning back. It is either death on this side or life on the other. There really isn’t a choice at all.
Max sits on the edge of his chair and gazes into the fireplace, the flames illuminating a portion of his hand that holds his cell phone.
“ Julie had filled my cell with a dozen or so messages asking for forgiveness. I didn’t call her back until the week I returned to our apartment. Then I left messages on her cell until I couldn’t leave any more. Silly, huh? Like fourteen year olds having a quarrel.” He takes a long sip of tea and stares into the bottom of his cup. “ The funny thing…maybe that’s not the correct word. . . the tragic thing was I didn’t realize how much I loved her. I knew I loved her. I just didn’t know how much. We didn’t go out to many places. Had practically no friends. We lived in our own private cocoon. When Julie wasn’t travelling we stayed home in our apartment…I loved our whole life together.” He glances up at Maria. “ I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. I can see you've drifted away.”
Maria has drifted away. She is thinking of Adam and what he said about his childhood and getting help. For the first time in a long while, she feels hope settle deep inside her, right next to her heart. He is calling for help. That is always the hardest part; to realize you need help. She and Adam are going to be alright.
“ I'm babbling. I'll stop.”
“Oh no, please. Forgive me. Please go on.”
“Do you believe in God?”
“I’m not sure…I wish I did.”
“Well, I do now. I haven’t always. But my god isn’t your Catholic varietal or your Judaic or your Mormon or your Baptist or Seventh Day Adventist or whatever…or whoever. No burning bush, no angels, no cross. My God is an apartment on 58th and Ninth Avenue. Apartment 5H. It’s where everything holy, everything sacred, everything divine in my life occurred.”
He puts the cup down on the coffee table and smiles a little, more to himself then to Maria. “ Pretty crazy huh? I just made God a street address.”
“That’s not so crazy.” Maria tucks her sweater under her feet to keep them warm.
“I’m not sure I can help you find Julie, but I do know who I saw her with last and where they were going. I know she had some terrible suspicions regarding the convent and I can’t say that at the time I felt they were justified. But now I am not that certain.”
“Not certain about what?”
“Well, there are girls…young girls at the convent. What’s puzzling and disturbing is that the girls don’t seem to have any recollection of where they have come from…no family…only a vague history beyond which is their lives now at the convent. From the looks of things it doesn’t appear as if any attempts have been made to find adoptive families either. It’s almost as if…I know this will sound weird. But it’s almost as if they are in training.”
“In training for what?”
“In training to become cloistered nuns.”
Nina takes one step at a time in the deep snow. She imagines a hundred heroines and heroes of all the stories she has ever heard or read. She imagines that she is a snow flake falling. She lets her weight take her, following the glittering streaks of ice in the snow. As she runs she thinks of the chilly bathwater, the monster holding her under, and how she is no longer scared about what happened there. The wind drives flints of snow against her cheeks that hurt but she ignores the pain. She has felt much worse in her young life.
Soon enough the nuns will check and know she’s gone. Soon enough they will come after her. In the distance she can hear the cawing of crows. Or is that the nuns? She takes quicker strides. Don’t look back! Don’t look back!
The closer she gets to the cottage the more her imagination fills with darker thoughts; the beautiful woman’s husband, the ghosts and the demon in the basement. She wants to stop thinking, but she can’t. She likes to think she’s brave but she is not. Not really. She is just a little girl running away from everything and now she is freezing and wet. The wind blows around her in a low continuous roar like a lion. The light in the sky flickers as clouds pass over head.
When she gets to the cottage she does not know where to turn. Voices seem to be all around her.
“I thought we told you not to leave. Now here you are sneaking around, running away…you’re a sinner, Nina…a sinner.” She turns to look. There’s no one there. What if the woman isn’t home? What if it is just the man? Where would she go then? She feels certain the nuns are everywhere, Sister Arthur stepping through the middle of them, her gnarled hands reaching out to twist her into a pretzel.
Nina jumps on to the porch and pounds on the living room glass door.
Max slides it open, a gust of wind sending the fire in the fireplace ablaze. Nina runs to Maria clutching her sweater against her face.
“They are coming after me. She wants to drown me. They’ll throw me in the dungeon, I’ll become a varmint in the night…they want to kill me. Shut the door. They’re coming for me…Please shut the door!”
Maria strokes Nina’s hair. “ Don’t worry, you’re alright now. No one will harm you. No one.”
Max shuts the door and looks through the framed glass out to the meadow and the hill above. There is no one there except a few crows in the sky. Maria takes Nina over to the couch and sits down while hugging and stroking her shivering body. Nina is wet and her tears are copious. She is not acting this time. She really is petrified.
“ There’s no one out there," Max says, pointing to the door. “ Look for yourself. No one’s there. You’re safe.”
