His Christmas Pride, page 6
‘Thanks, Mick.’ Sam cut the engine and threw the rope over the mooring on the jetty. ‘Let’s go and have a beer, and maybe a snack if you’re hungry. We’ll have to sit outside, because Kiet will be getting ready to cook dinner and he doesn’t like it when I get in his way in the kitchen.’ Now there were three of them in the house, they each had to cook less often, but on his nights Kiet always went overboard to impress Zoe.
‘Kiet cooks?’
Sam chuckled. ‘I know he tries to be a grumpy old man, but for a long time it was just me and him. If we didn’t learn to cook, we didn’t eat.’
Mick nodded. ‘Makes sense. I live alone and have to feed myself too.’
‘No microwaved meals for one while you give up strategic space on SDH?’ Sam teased. He didn’t like eating while on his computer—crumbs in the keyboard was the worst—but he often just made sandwiches for dinner because he couldn’t be bothered cooking. Or more accurately, he hated cleaning up afterwards since they didn’t have a dishwasher or any of that fancy stuff.
‘Is it okay if I stay for lunch?’
‘Of course. You are my guest. Let me feed you.’
Mick’s eyebrows raised. ‘Tempting.’
Sam jumped out of the boat and busied himself with tying it up properly, so Mick wouldn’t see the way his cheeks burned with heat. All he had to do was get through lunch and then Mick would leave to go to work, and Sam could spend some time examining his head without distraction. Gorgeous, funny, sensible distraction. At least Kiet’s presence might just save Sam from himself and the temptation to follow his desires.
***
Hours later when Mick had left to go to work, Sam poked his head into Kiet’s room. ‘Hey Kiet?’
‘Yeah?’
‘Do you know what happened with Nok? Is she okay?’
Kiet shook his head. ‘I don’t know much. I remember that Nok wanted to do a summer holiday job, and our parents stopped her. But I don’t recall the details. I wish I did.’
‘It’s not your responsibility to know. You were just a kid.’ Sam paused. Kiet had been a kid, just like him. ‘We should look her up online.’ Their surname, Viravaidya, was quite distinctive. Sam had never been tempted to do that before—just in case he found nothing; would he rather know even if it was bad news?
Kiet growled under his breath. ‘I’ve tried that.’
‘Fair enough.’ Sam knew he’d try later once Kiet had left his room. He didn’t want to disparage his brother, but he spent a ton more time online than Kiet, and surely his google skills had to be stronger. ‘Hey, thanks. Do you think our parents were happy together after …?’
‘After Nok left? Yes and no. There were moments of sadness, like on her birthday, or on the anniversary of the day she left, and at other random times, but mostly our parents loved each other and worked well together.’
‘I hope that’s true.’
‘Why do you ask?’
Sam inhaled deeply. ‘I had an excellent childhood, and yet, there is this whole mystery, and I’ve been wondering lately if I’d forgotten things. Like, did I just invent a happy childhood because I wanted that?’
Kiet rubbed Sam on the shoulder. ‘No. We had a good childhood. Mum and Papa did a really good job sheltering us from their problems. It wasn’t until after they died, that I realised that the farm was in a difficult position financially. They were doing okay but one bad season might have ruined them.’
‘Oh?’ Sam had always assumed the land Papa had purchased helped offset the risk of losses, but as he thought back over it, often that land had stayed fallow. The oyster farm took a lot of hours to keep productive, leaving little time to deal with their land, hence the arrangement with the neighbouring cattle farmer.
‘I guess Mum didn’t know any different. She’d grown up here, and it was probably like that all the time. It wasn’t until we had your expertise that we were able to do better future planning. They’d be proud of you, Sam.’
Sam nodded, his throat thick. After a moment, Kiet turned to leave and Sam coughed gently to remove the burr from the back of his throat.
‘Hey Kiet.’
‘Yeah?’
‘Thank you for everything.’ For sending him away for the last couple of years of high school, for making Papa’s land purchases productive to mitigate their financial risk, for reminding him that his childhood was good. That wasn’t just his imagination. Now it was up to him to grow up and become a person worthy of his brother’s love and hard work.
Chapter 8
For the next week, Mick was haunted by the idea of flawed memories. Little snippets of conversations with Sam kept rolling around his head, and he wondered if he’d been wrong to keep forgiving Xavier. Now he’d been away from Xavier for over a year, he couldn’t help but wonder if he’d lost himself by falling for Xavier’s charm. It was difficult to think he might have been wrong about Xavier. Had Xavier really walked all over him, and had he just … let him do that? He couldn’t recall the details and he was left with a deep sense of loss. Not for Xavier, but for himself. He’d come here for the promotion, not to get away, and yet Sam’s comments made him wonder if he’d been lying to himself about that. Had he come here to Rainbow Cove to find himself again? Who was he when he wasn’t pandering to Xavier’s moods?
All that introspection disappeared when he slept. Memories of Sam’s lean body moving in the water as if he belonged there, mingled with elements of fantasy from SDH, haunted him, until he dreamed of mermen chasing him through his sleep. Sea creatures with Sam’s face and cheeky grin. It was probably because he spent a couple of hours after each shift hanging out on SDH chatting to Sam and expanding their joint empire. Yesterday, they’d dealt with a threat from a newcomer who tried to hook up to their discs and invade.
Mick yawned—yeah, he’d spent too much time online yesterday morning. He had the next few days off, and then would be back on days. This schedule was the worst thing about working in a smaller town. No one wanted the night shift permanently—or the day shift, to be fair—so everyone did four days on, four nights on, then four days and nights off, on rotation. Nights were full of more interesting work, while days tended to be a lot of boring transfer work, but Mick found that night shift was much tougher on his body, and more importantly, on his burgeoning relationship with Sam. He glanced at his clock. Sam would likely be online now; he usually was at this time of the morning, which made sense to Mick now that he’d been at the farm. Sam got up early to work and beat the heat of the day, then came inside to eat and hang out online for a while before heading back to work once it cooled off again.
Velebit: I hope this isn’t too forward, but I want to see you again.
Crassostrea: Did we just time travel? Too forward. Mate. Just ask.
Velebit: *blushes* Would you like to have dinner with me this week? It’s my weekend, then I’m on days.
Crassostrea: Dinner sounds good. I’ve been wanting to try Christophe’s new summer menu.
Velebit: Christophe?
Crassostrea: I forgot you were new to town. Christophe is the chef at the Rainbow Cove resort.
Velebit: So a fancy dinner then?
Crassostrea: I’ll pay. I get a discount anyway since we supply their oysters.
Velebit: I asked. I can pay. Friday?
Crassostrea: Ok. I’ll make a booking.
Velebit: Do we need a booking? Are they that busy?
Crassostrea: Friday night in summer. Yeah, they’ll be pretty busy with people who’ve arrived for a weekend at the resort. We could go another night if you don’t want crowds.
Velebit: Nah. I want to be seen in public with you. Mick shouldn’t really push Sam given how much Sam had talked about wanting to take his time, especially not now Mick had started to examine his own Sydney past.
Crassostrea: Is that code for ‘please be my boyfriend?’
Velebit: If you want it to be.
Crassostrea added a gif that said ‘thoughts loading’. Mick swallowed. Crap, he’d screwed up and pushed Sam too hard. He tucked his hands into his lap, so he didn’t reply with something desperate. Or anything at all. Mick’s stomach clenched, the same way it used to whenever Xavier returned. The taut sensation unsettled him because he’d never realised that it meant he was worried. He’d always thought it was happy nerves.
Crassostrea: I’d like to say yes, but I’m worried about rushing into this.
Velebit: Valid. A sudden cold chill washed over Mick. He needed to wait too. It didn’t matter that they’d known each other online for months before they met in real life, or that they’d spent a lot of time together recently without moving into relationship status. Sam had been open about his concerns, and if it mattered to Sam, then it mattered to Mick. More than that, Mick knew he needed to reassess his past.
Crassostrea: Are you just saying that to get into my pants?
Mick smiled. If only it was that simple. He added a gif of someone saying ‘hey’.
Velebit: If I only wanted to get into your pants, we’d have already been there.
Crassostrea: Arrogant
Three dots appeared and Mick waited for Sam to finish typing. It was taking him ages, so either he was typing and deleting, or he was writing a damned essay.
Crassostrea: But also… valid. The real problem is that I like you and I don’t want to mess that up.
If that’s what Sam finally decided to send, Mick wanted to know what he’d deleted.
Velebit: Liking me is a problem? Xavier used to say something similar, as a joke, that he liked Mick too much and it was a problem because he needed him. The cold surrounding his body dropped a few degrees. He wasn’t sure he wanted to read what Sam had to say, but Sam was nothing like Xavier. Nothing at all.
Crassostrea: Yes, because it complicates everything. If it was just sex, then we’d be done already.
Mick’s mouth dried. Had he misread everything? Velebit: ok? Sex is not that complicated, and why are you having sex with people you don’t like?
Crassostrea: Umm, refer to our discussion, like, yesterday about your ex’s.
Mick grimaced. Yesterday, they’d chatted about some of his life in Sydney. The sanitised version, sans Xavier.
Velebit: Yes, that makes me a hypocrite. I told you I’m done with temporary pleasure. He’d deliberately steered clear of talking about Xavier, focusing instead on the one-night stands he’d had before then. Until Sam had told him off for dismissing the concerns of domestic abuse survivors, Mick had never imagined he was one. He’d let Xavier tell him it was his fault they broke up, that Xavier couldn’t nurse him after his accident, not that Xavier left when Mick wasn’t available for sex anytime Xavier wanted. That couldn’t be right though. Xavier had gone to help his sister. Back then, Mick had been annoyed that Xavier’s sister was more important than him, but now he couldn’t help wondering if Xavier even had a sister. If he did, he’d never mentioned her name. Was it just another one of Xavier’s excuses?
How could he talk to Sam about Xavier and the whole mess after the factory explosion if he didn’t know how he felt about it himself?
Crassostrea: What we have feels real and I don’t want to mess that up.
The cold disappeared and Mick’s whole body suddenly felt lighter. Mick took a screenshot and saved it. He wanted to keep that statement. Actually, he wanted to keep the glow it gave him. Sam cared enough about him to ensure he was ready to have a relationship with him. The irony in Sam wanting to take it slow when Mick had so many conflicted emotions around relationships wasn’t lost on him. Sam was doing this for himself. He had no idea Mick needed time to figure out the uncomfortable truth of his past.
Velebit: Thank you. Dinner at 7?
Crassostrea: Deal.
Velebit: I’ll pick you up at 6.30.
Crassostrea: Will you now?
Velebit: Hey. I’m not offering so I can I ask you into bed afterwards.
Crassostrea: That’s a shame.
Velebit: What? Mick leaned over his keyboard, swaying slightly at the apparent change of heart. He couldn’t live his life like this again. All the little pieces suddenly painted a picture and he knew the truth. Xavier had abused him, in subtle ways that undermined him until he wasn’t sure what was real and what wasn’t.
Crassostrea: *sighs dramatically* See – I don’t know what I want.
Velebit: Dinner first. We can work the rest out later. He didn’t feel as calm as his typed words read, but he knew it was true: they could work the rest out later.
***
From the way Sam tugged at his collar as they drove into the carpark at the Rainbow Cove Resort, it was obvious to Mick that he was uncomfortable. Mick had been there too many times and he would never wish that on anyone else. Over the last few days, much more had become clear and Mick realised he needed to see a therapist to really put his time with Xavier into the past. He didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes, and he sure as heck didn’t want to push Sam like he’d been pushed. If Sam was uncomfortable, they could stop now before they started. He never felt that old uncertainty around Sam. Being with Xavier had meant being prepared for when Xavier might suddenly change his mind and ruin all his plans just for shits and giggles. And because Sam was up-front, consistent and, quite frankly, completely opposite to Xavier, Mick wasn’t going to do anything that even hinted at that unnerving imbalance.
‘Hey Sam?’
‘Yeah?’ Sam shot him a glance then looked out the window again.
‘Please tell me what’s wrong.’
Sam cleared his throat. ‘Marandowie is a small town …’
When he didn’t elaborate, Mick frowned. ‘And?’
‘Oh, that’s right, you’re a city boy. You have no clue about small towns and how the grapevine works.’
‘The what?’
Sam heaved out a loud sigh. ‘Like, gossip. Once we walk inside, the whole town is going to know we had a date together; and then someone will remember we had dinner together in the pub, and the next thing you know everyone will be speculating on when we’ll be getting married …’
‘Is that a bad thing? At least we can get married in Australia now.’
Sam sighed again. ‘Oh God. And then there will be the people who will be pearl-clutching shocked. “OMG, I didn’t know Sam was Gay” with a capital G. I really don’t want them turning up at the farm trying to convert me or some shit.’
‘Hold on.’ Mick parked the car and turned off the engine. ‘Are you telling me you aren’t out? We don’t have to do this.’
‘Is anyone ever out all the time?’ Sam scoffed.
‘True. It annoys me on TV when people have a big coming out moment and then it’s never mentioned again, when the reality is that you have to decide whether or not to mention it with every person you meet. Is it any of their business? Is it going to matter? Why should I hide myself? But what if it’s not safe?’
Sam reached over and laid his palm against Mick’s cheek. ‘All of that. I’m not overly worried about people thinking I’m queer. It’s not an issue. I mean, it is, because small-town gossip can be irritating. But I am queer; I have friends here who won’t care, and I’m comfortable with myself and with people knowing.’
‘Okay?’ Mick wanted to lean against Sam’s hand; the calluses from his work-roughened hands were rough against his freshly shaven cheek, a delightful contrast that made Mick wonder what it would feel like to have Sam’s hands stroke his body.
‘I think I’m just overthinking this. You know, inventing problems where there aren’t any.’
Mick turned so he could kiss Sam’s palm. ‘I want you to be comfortable.’ In all ways—with Mick and in public. ‘Please don’t out yourself for me.’
‘Thank you. It’ll be fine. It’s just that I’ve never really been open about myself in town.’
A fragment of a memory made the hairs on Mick’s arms raise a little. ‘But you said your ex was a local too.’
Sam dropped his hand and shrank backwards. ‘Is now a good time to tell you that I’m bisexual? My ex, Lizzy, was … is, she’s a woman. I’ve never been with a man in town, I mean, like, I’ve been with men but when I was at uni and it was easier in the city.’ Sam scrambled his words, rushing through them, obviously nervous and Mick wanted to pull him into a reassuring hug. To reassure them both. Sam hadn’t lied to him. Now that he’d started to understand how many ways Xavier had messed with him, he’d become ultra-aware of the same tactics. It’d been Sam’s brutal honesty at their first dinner at the pub that had put Mick at ease, and he hadn’t even known why.
‘And this will be the first time it’s obvious that you are bi; hence the “omg I didn’t know Sam was gay” comment.’ It had taken him years to work up the courage to tell his parents he was gay. Xavier had done it for him without permission; another way he’d undermined Mick. Luckily, Mick’s parents had been amazing about it without an ounce of rejection, treating the whole revelation as if it were fine. It hadn’t been so simple for many of Mick’s friends and his veins overflowed with empathy for Sam. If only he could wrap Sam in a big hug and tell him it would be okay, even though it probably wouldn’t. Even in Sydney, where people were more used to meeting all types of folks, Mick had dealt with the occasional shitty homophobic comment. Was it wrong to assume it would be worse in a small town?
