There's a Badge for That, page 4
Finding you like I did, trying to save your life, has been eye-opening. Those moments somehow stole a piece of me that I’ll never be able to get back. I don’t want you to blame yourself. It seems like everyone else can speak openly and help each other process, and I just can’t. So, it’s making this difficult.
I heard you have had a hard life that must have brought you to this place, and it may look like I have this sunshiny perfect life, but I’ve been through hard things too, and they’ve taken away my ability to share things with people. Jack is going out of his way to be there for me, trying to help me through this, but I’m all walls. So, I’m battling these demons on my own. My anxiety is worse than usual, and I’m having nightmares. I keep seeing you, and trying to save you, but in my dreams you don’t survive.
Piper, you need to survive. Is that too selfish of me to ask? Cody needs you. You can do this. We’re all rooting for you.
Melody
Melody picked through her dinner, still not hungry and trapped in a pretty tumultuous headspace. She envisioned journaling as a helpful tool, however, when it turned into a letter to Piper, one she would never send, her anxiety crept sky high. She was on edge again and sick to her stomach. This trend was already exhausting, and she was over it.
Tanner came in late and slid in close to Melody on the bench, as if to convey that he was there for her. She leaned her head on his shoulder in appreciation and finally shoved a fork of mashed potatoes into her mouth.
“Girl, where have you been all day?” Tanner asked, blinking emphatically as if to feign ignorance.
Melody just gave him a side-eyed look.
Tanner smirked and took an exaggerated too-large bite of his food. Melody laughed out loud at his appalling table manners. She took another bite of potato. Tanner waited for her to be done chewing and made sure she was watching before he took another disgustingly large bite of chicken to encourage her. Melody giggled, shaking her head, and soon her fog lifted. Her nagging thoughts floated away with each subsequent laugh, and in that moment, she felt overwhelmed with gratitude for Tanner.
Melody had little to say, but she listened as Tanner regaled her with story after story about the short time they hadn’t spent together that afternoon. Despite all the tough things he’d talked about the night before, Tanner seemed unburdened. Because of all the things he’d shared about, or despite?
When he had run out of steam, he turned dramatically in his seat, leaned his chin on his hand and asked, “So, how was your date with Jack?”
Melody almost choked on her water. “My what?”
Tanner wiggled his eyebrows in a playful, all-knowing way and said nothing.
“That was so not a date! He’s not into me like that,” she said, trying to convince herself, but wanting it to be true. “He’s three years older and headed off to college. No college guy wants anything to do with a high school girl. And wait, isn’t that like… illegal?” she continued.
“Sure,” Tanner said through a small smile, and took another bite of his dinner.
Melody tried to put his comments out of her mind, but of course, they were taking up all of her brain capacity now. She basked in the joy of this moment—free from obsessive thoughts about Piper.
Melody finished her dinner, but skipped the camp-wide game in favour of being alone in her room. She would catch up with everyone at the campfire.
A few minutes after sinking into the quiet of her bed, Melody heard the entire camp outside receiving their game instructions. By the sounds of it, they were playing capture the flag, an unfortunate choice because that would mean the campers would all be running right outside her room the entire time. She put her headphones on to drown out the noise and drifted into a daydream until a knock at the door startled her back to reality.
Jack.
“Come in!” Melody called.
Jack peeked his head around the wood door.
“Now if I didn’t know better, I’d wonder if you had some ulterior motives coming up to my bedroom twice in 24 hours,” Melody joked to convince Jack she was okay, despite it still being the furthest thing from the truth.
Jack laughed as he shut the door behind him, then he laid down on the bed beside her.
“Tanner said you seemed off at dinner.”
“Really? He was so bubbly and enjoying his own world that I didn’t assume he would have noticed much of anything.”
Jack gently stared into her eyes like he could reach the darkest corners of her soul through them. “You are not okay.”
Melody fought back the tear that tried to hurl itself down her cheek. “You’re right. I am not okay. But I can’t talk about not being okay. Or anything else. I am like an old envelope, sealed shut with 100-year-old saliva.”
They looked at each other and laughed awkwardly at her analogy. The tear retreated.
“Okay, that sounded really wrong,” Melody giggled.
“Well, I don’t want to rip you open,” Jack began, “so why don’t you just try to tell me one small thing?”
He kindly kept up the charade of her terrible metaphor, so she figured she owed it to him.
“I am having a hard time. I’m having nightmares and keep seeing Piper’s lifeless body. My stomach churns constantly, and I can’t quiet my spiralling thoughts.”
“See, that’s a bunch of things! Thanks for sharing that with me. I am sorry you’re dealing with so much, but based on what you’ve been going through, I’d assume it’s normal and expected. You saw something horrible, you had to save someone’s life. That’s probably going to mess you up for a while. Talk to a professional when you get home.”
“It’s hard enough talking to you. How will I talk to a stranger?”
“I’m a stranger,” Jack said. “We’ve only known each other for what, a little over a day?”
“It feels like a lifetime,” Melody said matter-of-factly.
The days passed quickly once the chaos settled. Melody spent her days working with Jack, hanging out with Tanner in the evenings, and consoling Cody in-between. She wasn’t really doing well, but she was distracted enough with her group of guys, to cope. Cody on the other hand, was having a bit of a rougher time. On day three, Melody suggested he try writing a letter to Piper to process his feelings, like she had. Neither of them knew where she had gone, but they assumed they would find out eventually.
On day four, Leslie delivered Melody a letter addressed in unfamiliar penmanship. She wondered if it was what she had been waiting for, what she had been hoping would come before she left. She opened the envelope slowly. There was no return address, which was discouraging, but she hoped it would be in the letter somewhere.
August 22, 1994
Melody,
I suppose a thank you is in order, although I’m not sure I appreciate what you did. It is day two in the hospital, and this is the first time they’ve allowed me to have a pencil. Being here is like you’re three years old and your parents don’t let you out of their sight, even though everything hazardous is out of reach. At least, I assume that’s what good parents do.
If I’m being honest, I’m pretty embarrassed about what I did. CSC is the only place I ever felt safe, and now I took that away from myself, and others too. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my fucked up brain, and once I spiral, there’s no stopping it.
My brother getting hurt, while I wasn’t there to protect him, was too much for me to handle. Regardless of our parents’ situation or which foster home we lived in, he and I always looked out for each other. I always took care of him, and he always loved me. Sometimes he was the only one that loved me. So, if he wouldn’t survive, I didn’t want to either.
I’m not trying to make excuses for what I did, though I guess that’s what it sounds like. Anyway, I wanted to tell you I’m sorry. Thanks for saving me. This time I think I mean it.
P.S. If you don’t hate my guts and want to write back, my address is below.
Piper Shepard
Melody was glad Piper had included the address of her hospital in London. She grabbed the letter and ran off towards the boys’ cabins, where she’d find Cody having the afternoon siesta with his campers.
“Cody!” she called into the wooded area, not knowing which cabin he stayed in.
“Yup?” a voice called from a distance. Cody jumped off a porch a few cabins back.
Melody waved the letter in the air and shouted, “I’ve got it!”
“Got what?” Cody called back, while a counsellor popped his head out of another cabin and shushed them both.
“She sent me a letter. I know where she is,” Melody whispered as Cody got closer.
Cody stood immobile and Melody watched him take a few breaths. He must be so relieved. She gave him a moment to process before she said anything else. It was Cody who broke the silence.
“Why didn’t she write to me? Why did she send you a letter? She barely even knows you!”
Uh oh. She needed to say something, anything.
“She was probably worried about disappointing you. Or it’s possible she was afraid you wouldn’t respond because of where she is right now,” Melody responded.
“But why you?” Cody choked.
Melody tried not to take offence. “Sometimes it’s easier to talk about hard things with people you aren’t as close with. I don’t know why, but it is. I’ve been learning that myself.”
Cody said nothing.
“I’m sorry, Cody.”
He grumbled something incoherent and walked away.
CHAPTER 6
AUGUST 1994
PIPER
Piper sat on the floor in the hospital hallway breathing heavily, shaking, and crying. She’d been there for at least ten minutes, when a nurse finally spotted her.
“You’re okay, Piper. Come, let’s take a nap.”
She ushered Piper back into her room and gave her medication to help calm her.
Piper felt a deep sense of gratitude for the wave of relief as she laid on her side and let her nervous system calm, but she hated that the default reaction to every kind of emotion in this place was medication. The nurses were nice enough, but they never even asked what upset her. She had just dropped off a letter to be mailed to Melody, after hours of debating whether to send it, and now she was freaking out.
Will Melody get it in time before she left camp? Will she even open it? Will she use the address and write her back? Will she tell Cody? The thoughts ran through her head like they were on fire.
She needed more support. A friendly face, or at least a letter from someone who knew her. No one cared about her here. One more crazy on a floor full of crazies. At least that’s the way she saw it.
Piper woke up from her drug-induced nap shortly before dinner and wandered down to the common room. The room was bleak. Beige walls, beige floors, small windows with grates over them to prevent escapes, a couple of grimy old couches in front of an even older television, and a few card tables and chairs for playing games or making art. The room smelled like it always did—a locker room of unwashed boys, hints of coffee, and bleach. Yuck.
She looked around for the only friend she’d made since being admitted, a girl named Nicki, who also found herself there because of a suicide attempt. Piper wasn’t sure if it was smart to spend time with other people whose brains were as fucked up as hers, but it seemed to be her only option. Between their diagnoses and all the medications they were on, a lot of the other patients were practically catatonic, so there wasn’t much opportunity for riveting conversation.
Spotting Nicki in the back corner, Piper shuffled over in her navy-blue hospital-issued slippers and sat down beside her.
“Hey, Nicki.”
Nicki just looked at her and grunted.
“Rough day? Me too,” Piper replied.
“They put me out this afternoon for screaming at a nurse who wanted to bathe me like a child. I told them I’d bathe when I was good and ready. That didn’t go well.”
Piper was at a loss for words, and that didn’t happen very often.
“Anyway,” Nicki continued, “I’m going to leave tomorrow. I’m sick of this place.”
“How are you going to manage that?” Piper asked.
“I did my 72-hour hold and now I’ve been here an extra two weeks. Technically, I can leave whenever I want.”
Piper had forgotten that Nicki was eighteen and therefore a legal adult. She could sign herself out and get back to her life. Lucky. Piper was locked away until she convinced her grandma to retrieve her, and that might be tomorrow or a year from now. It doesn’t hurt to try, though, a rogue thought hinted. In an instant, Piper decided to make that very desperate phone call the next day. She didn’t want to be there anymore, and especially not without Nicki. She would be truly alone.
Sleep evaded Piper. Despite being on heavy medications to combat her insomnia, she tossed and turned all night. Apprehension about her plan for the morning stole her slumber. Piper kept going over it again and again in her mind.
Call Grandma.
Explain to Grandma that they just keep drugging me and aren’t helping me work on my problems, and that was supposed to be the point of being here.
Talk Grandma down when she comes up with all the reasons I need to stay here.
Convince Grandma to spring me from this joint ASAP.
It was a pretty simple plan. Unless, of course, her grandma said no, or didn’t even answer the phone. That would throw a wrench into her escape plan. Minor detail, right? Plan B—maybe I could sneak out with Nicki?
The darkness outside her barred window started turning purply pink as the sun rose. She’d hardly slept, and her body confirmed it. Piper’s plan required her to be sharp, so with the list walked through thoroughly, she rolled over and closed her eyes again, with the hope of a snooze before breakfast.
Piper woke to the knock on her door. She had gotten about two hours of solid sleep, and her brain was processing a little more effectively.
Nicki waited for her at their usual table, and they ate breakfast together for the last time.
“I’m going home today!” Nicki whispered.
“I’m so happy for you,” Piper said, faking excitement.
She didn’t mention her plan to go home too, because she didn’t want to steal Nicki’s thunder. Breakfast was the usual cold mush of oatmeal and a banana. Piper didn’t even like bananas. She noticed herself losing weight the longer she sat in this place. While most girls would love that, Piper had spent enough of her life emaciated, she didn’t want to do that again. She had enough problems already, like her family.
Where would I even go home to? Grandma might let me stay in her house, but she is so conservative. Would we even survive it? I can’t go back to my parents’—that will never be home again. I guess the last resort is foster care. It wouldn’t be the first time. Would a foster home really be better than this place, though? At least no one will abuse me in the hospital. They just dope me up and leave me to my sorrows. Maybe this psych ward isn’t so bad after all.
Realizing what she was thinking, Piper gave her head a shake and reminded herself that the hospital made her a prisoner. She needed out. She spent too much of the day talking to herself in her head like this. It was becoming a problem.
Piper asked to make her phone call right after breakfast. It rang four times before her grandma picked it up.
“Hello?”
“Grandma!” Piper said, trying to sound happy and healthy. “I’m ready to go home, Grandma. I am so much better, and I feel ready to get back to school and see my friends.”
“Piper, the doctors haven’t called me. They said they would call when you were ready to go.”
“Grandma, the doctors barely see me, and the nurses just drug me up every chance they get and leave me in my room sleeping. It’s not good here. They’re not helping me.”
“But you said you’re better?” her grandma questioned.
“I mean, I am. The meds are helping. But I need to get out and see the sunshine and breathe fresh air, and talk to someone, a therapist, on my own, not in a group, to work through my stuff. They can’t just medicate me and leave me to rot in this place. Please, Grandma. Come get me.”
Piper was adept at turning it on when she needed to. After all, it took a lot of effort to survive a life like hers, a family like hers. She carefully walked on eggshells, saying and doing exactly what was necessary to placate her addict mom and avoid her dad’s temper. Some might call it manipulation, but Piper called it smart.
“No,” her grandma said, and hung up the phone.
Piper was stunned. Her grandma was her only option, and now there was no hope of getting out. Tears started collecting in the corners of her eyes, though she didn’t want anyone to see them and give her more tranquilizers, so she ran to her room and sobbed in private.
Piper refused to give up. She desperately wanted to see Cody and get back to some semblance of a real life, so she kept trying. She and her grandma repeated the same song and dance for three days in a row until the fourth day, when something finally changed.
“Fine,” her grandma said, “put one of the staff on the phone.”
Piper shouted for a nurse, but no one came.
“Hold on Grandma, let me find someone.”
By the time Piper got back to the phone with a nurse, her grandma had hung up. You’d think a nurse would be easier to find in a hospital. Weren’t they supposed to be monitoring the patients? Piper dialled again.
“Grandma, I have the nurse here.”
“Yes, hello. I am coming to sign Piper out today. Please help her pack her things,” her grandma said bluntly, as though they may protest, so she had to speak with such confidence. Grandma was skilled in getting what she wanted too.
