Choice!, page 3
‘Oi, oi!’ A male voice shouted from outside the room. The door bashed open, making us all jump. Standing on the other side was Jack and Tommy. I rolled my eyes at the dickheads. They were standing with traffic cones on their heads. The other students all shrunk in their seats. They started to look down at their phones.
‘Hey, sexy lady,’ Tommy sang as he wandered in and stood in front of an attractive girl. Her wide eyes made me laugh. Although he was alright looking, Tommy was way too intimidating for most girls, so they never went out with him.
‘Hey, not so sexy ladies,’ he sang, winking at us. I stuck my middle finger up at his smirking face.
‘Eff off, Tommy, you arsehole.’
I really wanted to leave now. I always cringed when these guys were around other people. Especially somewhere like this. If I was gonna come here, I didn’t need to be associated with the lads. They were my best friends and we’d been close for so long that I felt bad even thinking it, but the truth whispering inside my head was that I was starting to struggle with them. My mum had always taught me to be respectful and that was difficult when I was with these guys. I sort of followed them cos they were my safe haven, but deep down I knew what we did was wrong.
‘Arse … ?’ Tommy pulled down his jeans at the back and danced his bare arse around the room. People were tutting and one girl got up and left. I stood to do the same.
‘Where you going, girly … ?’ Tommy said putting his arm around my shoulders. I shrugged him off and slapped his arse … hard.
‘For a fag,’ I laughed as he jumped up and down rubbing his now red arse cheek.
‘I’ll join you,’ Jack said, following me as I walked out the building.
‘He can be such a knob sometimes,’ Jack said, as he handed me a fag and lighter.
‘Thanks. Yeah, but that’s just him, innit?’ I sat on a bench. People were coming in and out, going about their nice day. I bet they had lovely happy homes. I bet their parents paid for them to come here and learn all the stuff they needed so that they could grow up and have wonderful adulthoods too. Lucky gits.
‘Yeah I know, it’s just sometimes, I dunno … ’ He blew smoke rings and we watched them fade away.
‘We gotta stick with our own, Jack. That’s what we’ve always said, innit?’ What an effing hypocrite I was. What a bitch. Not two minutes ago I was pondering on the immaturity of Tommy and his arse, and now I was preaching to Jack cos he was saying the same thing.
‘You signing up for anything?’ Jack had a soft heart. He was Tommy’s right hand man. His shadow … . his puppet.
‘Nah, I ain’t cut out for anything in there.’ I glared at a girl as I caught her eyeing up Jack. She rolled her eyes at me and I went to stand up.
Tommy came out of the building, walked over to her and grabbed her arm.
‘You eyeing up my boyfriend … ?’ His face was serious as she ripped her arm out of his grip and ran away.
‘Why’d you both do that, man? I could’ve pulled there. You guys are not cool! Why ain’t we allowed to have other friends or even a girlfriend? Ain’t like you and Tiff will have sex with us, is it?’ Jack was standing, looking down at me. Tommy sat next to me and threw his arm around my shoulder. I left it there. He was no threat when he was sober.
‘Eww, no way, José. No offence, dude, but we’re like family. That’s why I get so peed off when Tommy gets touchy-feely when he’s drunk. It’s like incest.’ Get in there. I’d shocked them with my words. Jack had his mouth open and the hand that Tommy had been using to tap on my arm went completely still. Slowly the weight fell away from my shoulder and I had to burst out laughing.
‘You’re sick, woman,’ Jack chuckled. It was nice to see Tommy speechless, even if it was just for a moment.
‘You really feel that way, Nat?’ Tommy said, his face serious for once in his life.
‘You’re like my brother, man,’ I huffed, standing up and walking away. I heard Jack tell Tommy to leave me alone. I was done for today. I carried on walking, my steps gathering speed as I walked across the car park.
‘Yo, Nat, I can’t be your brother cos I shagged your mum last night!’ Tommy shouted at me. I spun round. My face burned and a red haze settled over my sight.
‘Well then you should be fucking arrested, cos she’s off her fucking head so you must have raped her!’ I screamed the words at the top of my lungs and then ran. I let my legs carry me as fast as I could. I had no idea what direction I was going. Tears joined the red haze and clouded my vision. The only thing stopping me from running towards Tommy and beating the shit out of his ugly face was the pity that Id’ see when they looked at me. My lungs started to burn. I was heading towards my rock. No one knew that place. No one knew that I went there. I would be safe. The energy was starting to leave me. The anger was seeping out from the soles of my feet. What a tosspot arsehole. I was sick and tired of that idiot. The words he’d said floated back into my mind and gave me enough anger to spurt me forward again. I ducked through the playing field and on towards the trees that lined it. Slipping through the gap, I entered the little wood. It was just a small area of trees, but I always felt calmer as soon as I got under the shade.
Why the hell had I said that? Why had I told them? It had been a while since my mum had been ill, but last time they’d all been so nice. What’s the point of that? It’s life, innit? Just get on with it. I collapsed on my rock. I let the tears come. There was no way of stopping the little gits from bursting from me. I couldn’t hold it in. What was I gonna do? I was gonna have to stay with my mum forever. Dick didn’t know how to tell the difference between a normal person who picked their nose, to a mad person who used a knife to do it. Not that my mum did that, but he was so stupid he wouldn’t know what to look for. Would my life ever change?
I wiped my face. The feeling that settled in my chest ate away at the organ that insisted on beating. Sometimes I wondered if I’d ever have the guts to make it stop. I shook my head. I was too much of a wimp to do something like that. Who would look after mum if I was gone? I stood up. It was time to head home. I needed a nice hot bath with a book to read. Some escapism was called for.
Chapter Five
‘Did you manage to have a think about what I said?’
I recognised weirdo’s voice before I even looked up from the magazine. I was on my lunch break at work. Sometimes I caught up on the latest celeb gossip while I drank a lovely hot chocolate. Mint was my favourite, so I always doubled the shot. I was just debating whether to ignore him and pretend that I hadn’t heard him when he grabbed the magazine and pulled it away.
‘Hey, what you doing that for … ?’
He took it over to the bin and shoved it in. I sat with my mouth catching flies. Seriously, that’s how shocked I was. What the bloody hell did he think he was playing at? If that had been someone else, I would’ve hit them. But, no … not him. For whatever reason, I let him treat me like an idiot.
‘Your brain needs better stimulation than that crap,’ he said, sitting down and picking up my drink.
‘Oh, no, you don’t!’ I cried, reaching out and taking it back, being careful not to spill it. He laughed and leant forward.
‘So?’
‘So, what … ?’ I drank the rest of my chocolate in one go. The git wasn’t getting the better of me again.
‘You have a choice, Natalie,’ he whispered. I looked around us. No one was in hearing distance; Collette was busy making coffee.
‘Look, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be thinking about. Yes, I have a choice. I can choose to get up and walk away from you right now. I can choose to punch you in the face for throwing away my mag and I can choose to … to … ’
‘So why don’t you?’ He sat back and crossed his arms over his, probably smooth, chest as he watched me. He was wearing jeans and a red hoody today. Nice and casual.
‘Cos I can’t be arsed.’
‘Is that why you don’t change anything else?’ He raised his eyebrows. Tiff would have a field day with those eyebrows. They were bigger than my slugs and twice as dark. I know men were supposed to have big eyebrows compared to women, but I needed to try and make myself feel better. What was this boy going on about? I wondered if he was staying at the crisis house with my mother. Maybe they’d concocted a plan. I wouldn’t know what plan they’d come up with though, cos I wasn’t getting his motive if I was really bloody honest with myself. And I hardly ever was. Honesty can be a harsh reality if you let it in. I prefer to bury it in the ground with a shovel and a cross. Where the bloody hell had this boy come from, anyway? What made him think he knew so much about my life?
‘Bugger off, will you?’ I smiled nicely at him to try and persuade him that I weren’t interested in whatever the hell he was going on about. He cringed slightly. I don’t think he’d ever seen me smile. He was probably wincing because I didn’t know how to smile, so I’d probably just pulled a strange face at him. Oh well, I didn’t care. This boy was starting to bore my brain out.
‘No. You have a choice to live life the way you want to. You chose to rob a shop,’ he whispered the last part of the sentence, which was a bit of luck, cos my foot would’ve slammed into his shin otherwise.
‘Look … ’
‘You choose to work here every day. You choose to be the parent to your mum.’ He grabbed my fist and held it tight just as I was about the extend it. ‘You have the choice to feel sorry for yourself and to believe that the world isn’t fair. You have the choice to think that everyone is out to get you, to push everyone away and to lay the blame of your shit life on everything else. Everything else, bar you. See, you have a choice.’
He let go of my hand and stood. I knew my face was red. I could feel my breath coming in deep. A burning sensation started from the top of my head and flushed its way down my body. Just then my group came in. They laughed and joked as they headed towards the counter. Tiff saw me and waved.
‘Now have a think about what I’ve said,’ the boy said. I didn’t even know this bastard’s name. How dare he? I started to shake. He turned and walked out the shop. The others came and sat at my table.
‘You okay, Nat? You’re looking a bit peed off.’ Jack shoved a slice of cake into his mouth and started chewing.
‘You’re fucking gross,’ I said, jumping up. I was about to walk off when Tommy grabbed my sleeve and pulled me back onto my chair.
‘Oh, no, you don’t. Look, I wanted to say sorry. I didn’t know, did I? If I’d known your mum weren’t that good, I’d never have said a thing, Nat. You know that!’ He was sincere, I could hear it. My anger melted and he pulled me into his arms and let me rest my head on his shoulder.
‘We’re a family, girl, you know it. There ain’t no need to hide from any of us.’ The others nodded their agreement. I smiled at them. They were right. They were my family and they’d always been there through thick and thin. None of us had a normal home so we’d always tried to support each other. I’d started to forget that recently for some reason. It was time I fit back into my group.
‘There you go, girl, feel better? We was thinking about going clubbing tonight. What you reckon?’ Tommy pushed me away from him and pulled a fag out of his pocket. Lighting it up, he sneered at Collette as she went to come over.
‘Put it out, man, or I’ll lose my job!’
‘Nah, you won’t. I’d burn the place down if you do,’ he said in a loud voice. I grabbed it from his fingers and stubbed it out on the plastic table. I glared at him as he went to say something.
‘This is home turf, dude! I need to feed myself, innit?’ I pushed past him to go and apologise to my colleague, who was looking a little red on her creamy cheeks.
‘Okay, okay, sorry … ’ Tommy stood and gestured for everyone else to follow. They all left, telling me to meet them later. That boy could be funny but not when it was in my own shop. Usually I would have laughed at his antics, but the words of the cute boy … .Cute? Who said that? Not me, no, I meant the words of the weirdo, came back to me. I didn’t feel sorry for myself, cheeky bugger. Life was shite and unfair. I bet he’d never had a problem in his life. He was lucky. Usually I saw red and punched the crap out of people who dared to rile me up that way.
‘Why do you hang around with them, Natalie?’ Collette broke into my thoughts and I turned back to the till to serve a customer. Lar-tay … ooo, err, missus. She’d even pronounced it posh and everything. I handed the lady her change and told her that we’d bring it over. I didn’t want her listening to my conversation. Nosy posh lady.
‘Cos they’re all I got, innit?’ I didn’t look at her. In fact, I’m not sure why I even bothered to answer her in the first place. She was just as nosy as nosy posh face who was now watching us from her table. Maybe she fancied me. I was just so god dammed sexy. I laughed to myself. Yeah, alright love. What was going on with my thought patterns?
‘Surely not, you’re a great person. You must have some friends who are nice … ’ Her words trailed off as I looked at her. She must have seen the threat in my eyes, cos she hurried away with the recent order. What was it with peeps criticising my choice of friends today? If I wasn’t careful, I’d see red and fly at whoever spoke to me next. Why weren’t people just leaving me the hell alone?
Chapter Six
‘What the hell are you doing with that?’ I shouted at Tommy. We were standing outside the club. We’d just been thrown out for fighting. The lad that Tommy had started on was standing in front of us. The bouncers had literally bounced back inside the club as soon as we were out of it.
I’d just noticed that Tommy had a knife in his hand and I was shitting bricks. It had been fun to get into a fight inside. I’d needed to release the pent up anger and the boy had grabbed Tiff’s arse, so he deserved a beating. We hadn’t got very far before we were interrupted by the bouncer brigade. This was a whole nother level, though. This was dangerous stuff.
‘No one messes with any of us,’ Tommy said, taking a step towards the boy. Out here I could see that he was our age. His hair was long and tied back. He was really good looking. I suppose that’s why he thought he could just grab our girl. Well, he shouldn’t get away with that, but he didn’t deserve to be shafted.
‘Don’t be stupid, Tommy,’ Tiff called. She stepped back a few times, almost tripping in her stupidly high heels. Why did girls wear them? They couldn’t walk or run in them. They killed your bloody feet and all in the name of what? Height … ? Bloody idiots.
‘He needs to get what he deserves. He’ll just do it again, otherwise.’ Tommy took another step. The boy wasn’t backing down, but his gaze stayed attached to the blade that flashed in the street light.
‘Boy, you’ll go to jail. Don’t do this, man.’ Jack tried to keep his voice low. Even his own best boy couldn’t support our leader in his ridiculous quest.
‘Shut the fuck up, will you?’ Tommy screamed. The boy threw his middle finger up and turned to run away. Wrong thing to do, stupid twat! Tommy flew into motion. He was the fastest runner I knew. He’d never bothered when we were at school and had got chucked out. I sometimes thought it was a shame that he didn’t get into sport … he was really good at it. I panicked and froze. Shit, the kid was gonna get it. Tiff screamed and I heard her start to run away. I couldn’t find it in myself to believe that Tommy wouldn’t use the knife on him. Two seconds later my fears were confirmed. I saw my mate descend on the boy. His arm thrust out: the blade was there one minute and hidden in clothes the next. The grunt and cry that came from the lad made me heave. Oh my effing god, Tommy had just stabbed him. Tommy spun around, grabbed Jack who was standing nearby and ran. The boy fell to the ground. I stood motionless as I watched his limbs collapse beneath him.
‘Come on, Nat, get the fuck out of here,’ Jack shouted. I saw them disappearing down the dark street. Tommy was pulling Jack along by his coat. They thought I was following them, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move. He was completely still on the floor. My weirdo’s face flashed in my mind and I shook my head. Shit … I had a choice. I took my phone out and dialled for an ambulance. I ran over to the boy and turned him slowly. I knew I probably shouldn’t touch him but I wanted to lay him on my lap. The phone connected and I screamed at them to help. I told them where we were and then put my phone away. I had to get out of here before the ambulance came. There was no way I could tell them what went on. I put my hand on the boy’s chest and felt the slight rise and fall. Good, he was still breathing. He opened his eyes and looked at me. His face screwed up and he grasped his side. I pushed him gently off my lap and onto the floor.
‘Why did you stay?’ he gasped, groaning. I stood up and looked down at him. Quite a bit of blood was seeping onto his t-shirt. What the bloody hell did I do? I heard footsteps approaching. Crap, I was out of here.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered. I took one last look at him and turned away. I sprinted as fast as I could, not looking back. I hoped he would be okay. I was sure that the footsteps would find him and help him until the ambulance came. I couldn’t be there. What would I tell the police? I couldn’t dob Tommy in, but I was absolute rubbish at lying. I didn’t stop running until I got home. I didn’t look behind; I didn’t look to the sides. I just kept going. I was half way down my street when I realised that tears were streaming down my face and my phone was ringing. Putting my hand in my pocket, I pulled out my mobile and keys. I saw Tommy’s number on the screen and hesitated at my front door. I hit the green button at the same time as I was putting my key in the lock and going into the house. I didn’t speak until I had the door closed. I could hear Tommy calling my name through the speaker.
‘What … the … fuck … was … that?’ I said quietly. He went silent. I could feel the shock of my words hit his ear.
