A Natural Act (Contradictions), page 9
“Mia Bella,” he distracts me because he sees the hurt on my face when I think of my parents. “My beautiful,” he translates.
“Yours?” I tease him.
“Mine to protect,” he explains. “But not mine to own.”
He knows how important it is to me that I don’t belong to anybody ever again.
“Carla said you had a thing for names,” I tell him because he’s never mentioned it and I’m not sure I want to delve too deep into being his. I know he doesn’t want a relationship.
“Did she?” he raises an eyebrow.
I nod, keeping still in case he tries to move me off his lap. I quite like it here, I don’t plan on moving.
“Not got a thing, just think it’s interesting,” he shrugs.
“Craig comes from the Scottish word meaning crag or rock.”
“You’re my rock,” I tell him with a cheeky grin to which he winks once more. “What about your family? Do you know what their names mean?”
“Well, Jamie is from the biblical name James and Lea comes from the Hebrew word Le’ah meaning weary. Kinda suits her,” he chuckles. “Karl has the same root as Charles and is thought to mean man or warrior.”
“Seems fitting with him being in the army,” I smile.
He nods. “I think it’s interesting that sometimes the meaning of people’s names is reflected in who they are. I don’t think a name defines a person, it’s just interesting.”
“Nerd,” I tease him lightly, poking his stomach.
He captures my finger in one of his large hands and kisses its tip.
“Did you know that Nigel comes from the Latin word which means black or evil. Nigel literally means ‘of evil’,” he says cautiously.
“The warning signs were there,” I sigh dramatically and he relaxes when he sees I’ve taken it as the interesting fact that it is and nothing more.
“In your case, Bella suits you perfectly. Beautiful inside and out.”
“Thank you,” I blush, glad for a little more insight into my multi-layered doctor.
Chapter 11
“Stop checking that damn thing,” Carla reaches over and grabs my mobile phone out of my hand.
“Sorry,” I mumble bashfully. I know I’ve been checking it too much but I feel anxious being out in the open like this.
I know it’s unlikely but Nottingham isn’t that far from Derby and I’ve had a text from an unknown number with the words “Hello Isabella” and nothing more. I didn’t dare reply.
There’s a good chance somebody who knows Nigel or his family could see me. If he knew where I am, he might try to find me.
Which is ridiculous because how would he even have my new number? The last thing I need is for him to text me.
I’d like to think that he wouldn’t care about finding me. It’s hard to imagine somebody could beat a person almost to death and yet still care about them.
However, I know he cares about losing me. He’s very jealous and easily threatened by other men. He wears the cover of being the king of his domain but at the heart of it, he feels inadequate and inferior.
I think I always knew that but sometimes one has to take a step back in order to really understand the reasons behind somebody else’s behaviour.
I always thought it was me; that he hurt me because I failed him, because I was worthless or insignificant.
I know now that it wasn’t me. It doesn’t make it any easier to accept what he put me through. If anything, it makes it harder. So much harder.
“No apologies, babe,” Carla winks, breaking off a piece of her lemon drizzle cake and popping it into her mouth as she continues out conversation.
Carla and I have become quite close over the past few weeks. We spent the weekend together when Craig went to Newcastle for his brother’s birthday and I came clean about almost everything that had happened over the past couple of years.
It’s funny how coming clean can make you feel anything but clean. It’s not an exfoliation of the soul but rather the metaphorical equivalent of rolling in the mud.
Admitting your shame to another doesn’t half it. It doesn’t lessen the load. It does, however, force you to come to terms with it, to question it, break it down, and understand it.
“I lived in his shadow for too many years not to fear it,” I sigh to Carla. “I don’t know how long it’s been since I sat in a café like this. He was always there.”
“He ain’t here now, doll. He ain’t going to be anywhere near you again so let’s enjoy it and overdose on caffeine and cake.”
I nod because it would be nice to believe it but I don’t. The prison warden doesn’t sit idle when the prisoner escapes.
“Forget about him. I wanna know the Carter gossip,” she grins wickedly.
“Gossip?” I feign confusion. “What sort of gossip?”
“The dirty kind. I know that man’s got skills.”
“He makes a mean smoothie,” I nod.
“Isabella,” she groans. “You know that’s not what I meant. I’ve seen the friction between you too. It grates like sandpaper. You must have given into it by now.
I shake my head and sigh. “It’s not like that, Carla. I’m finding my feet, rebuilding myself, and nothing more.
I’m not looking for a new relationship. Craig isn’t either. He’s a great friend and that’s all I need him to be.”
“Who’s talking about a relationship? Just get naked and do filthy things to each other,” she wiggles her eyebrows and her eyes sparkle wickedly.
“Carla,” I reprimand on a whisper because she’s loud and we’re in a public place.
She shrugs, unfazed. “Don’t pretend you haven’t thought about it.”
It’s hard not to think about it when we’re still sleeping in the same bed almost every night. He sometimes stays at his own house but it’s happening less and less frequently.
I’d never tell him but I don’t sleep when he’s not there. I don’t even try because, if I close my eyes for more than a few seconds, the nightmares come back.
Well, not really nightmares. Just memories played on loop.
I’m not strong enough to fight them on my own yet. I’m not strong enough to combat his memory.
Yet.
“That look in your eyes says you have thought about naked man meat. Lots,” she cackles, her pink hair swaying about wildly as her whole body vibrates with laughter.
“Well, Carter seems happy so I’m happy,” she smiles when she’s recovered. “You want another coffee?”
“I’ll get it,” I smile. It means a lot to me that I can do that. I have my own money. I just received my first pay cheque from Supporting Arms and every single penny of it is my own.
All mine.
The wage is actually more than I was earning as a glorified receptionist to Nigel’s father. The only difference is that I never saw a penny of that money. It went straight into Nigel’s bank account.
“Next time, doll,” Carla winks. “I spy Simon so I gotta get him a coffee as well.” She nods her head towards the window and starts waving wildly to the hulk of a man outside.
His head is shaved bald and he’s almost as inked as Craig is. I have to wonder who copied whom. They have almost exactly the same style.
I’ve heard lots about Simon, Carla’s beloved boyfriend, but she painted him as the guy she had wrapped around her little finger. She described him as the sweetest, most loving teddy bear. It’s hard to combine that image with the physical being approaching our table. He’s more grizzly bear than teddy bear.
I suppose I ought to have learnt from Craig that you can’t judge a book by its cover. His cover is cut muscle, ink, and brutish bad boy. The chapters of his subject matter, however, are much more interesting than that and I’m still figuring his story out.
“Babe,” Simon greets Carla with a kiss on the cheek.
“What the fuck was that?” Carla scowls, slapping at Simon’s chest.
He feigns a sigh but he’s smiling as he leans in for a proper kiss. Carla grabs the side of his face and the smooching sounds are definitely a few decibels above what they ought to be.
“That’s what I like,” she grins, pulling him down to sit on the seat next to her and taking his wallet from his pocket simultaneously. “None of this on the cheek shit.”
“You swear too much,” Simon chuckles before drawing his attention to me. “You must be Bella.”
“Her name is Isabella,” Carla corrects him, gently slapping his arm.
“Not what Carter says,” Simon ignores her, still looking at me.
“Um, nice to meet you,” I smile, still amused by the way this tiny pixie-like lady bosses that hulk of a man around.
“Same,” he grins as Carla bounces off to get us all another drink.
“Get some green tea too,” Simon calls over his shoulder.
Green tea. That has to be for Craig. I look over my shoulder, wondering where he is.
“He’ll be here in a second. He was only a minute behind me out of the gym. He’ll figure out where I went,” Simon explains.
I nod, somehow feeling less anxious about being out and about now that I know Craig is on his way.
Ridiculous – I know.
“That bastard is merciless,” Simon chuckles. “Come all the way from Leeds to train with him. You’d think he’d cut me some slack with the HIIT.”
I have no idea what that means so I just smile awkwardly. Thankfully, the man himself makes an entrance and his eyes automatically zoom in on me. His shields come down for that second and he winks at me before strolling over. They’re partially raised once more as he sits down next to me but not as high as they could be.
His phone is to his ear and he nods his head at Simon before continuing his conversation.
“No, don’t tell her,” he talks into the phone. “Rather surprise her.”
“Don’t give a fuck what you want, Reed. She’s my sister,” he laughs.
He grins at whatever Reed replies and winks at me. “Yeah, I was gonna suggest that. I’ve been looking forward to beating your ass,” he chuckles, glancing at Simon with a question in his eyes.
Simon nods in response and Craig grins.
“Simon’s in too. Can you set it up?”
He puts his arm on the back of my chair and idly plays with the ends of my hair as he listens.
“Alright. Sounds good. Gotta go, man. Take care of her,” he ends the phone call with a threat in his voice and I put two and two together.
He must have been talking to his little sister’s boyfriend. If I were this ‘Reed’, I’d be quaking in my boots. I know how important the welfare of Craig’s sister is to him.
I’ve heard him talk to her a few times and his eyes always light up during their conversations.
“Next weekend,” Craig nods to Simon as he pockets his phone before turning to me. “Hey, lady.”
“Hey,” I smile happily in response. “How was training?”
“Good,” he shrugs. “This oaf slowed me down.”
“Fuck off, Carter,” Simon shakes his head with a grin.
“Only messing, man,” Craig laughs. “Needed a rest day anyway.”
Simon just sticks up his middle finger in response.
“You two are being pleasant as always I see,” Carla tuts, placing a tray of drinks down in front of us.
The men just grin and reach for their drinks so I thank Carla and take my mug of foamy latte.
“Going to Leeds next weekend to put your man through his paces again,” Craig informs Carla.
“Nobody puts him through his paces like I do,” Carla winks.
“Want to come with?” Craig asks her.
“No can do, Baloo,” Carla shakes her head. “I got work.”
Craig nods. “Bella, you care to join us? Can meet my baby sister.”
I bite my lip because I’d love to but this sounds like a weekend thing. I’m struggling enough with being out in a coffee shop. I feel like I’m being watched and I don’t like it.
“We’ll talk about it,” he winks. By this point, he knows me too well not to be able to read my facial expressions.
I nod gratefully and return to sipping my latte.
“Right,” Carla announces, rising to standing when conversation ebbs. “If you’re done wearing out my man. I’m gonna go wear him out for real.”
She tugs him to standing and he knocks back the rest of his drink quickly.
“Laters,” Craig laughs as Carla half drags Simon out of the coffee shop, blowing me a kiss as she leaves.
I laugh as Simon rolls his eyes at Craig because it’s obvious he’s loving it.
“Right, lady,” Craig’s grin broadens as he turns back to face me. “Let’s get you home.”
“Sounds good to me,” I sigh. “I missed you.”
“Sorry,” he apologises with a slight pout. “It’s been a long couple of days.”
“You must be exhausted. I can’t believe you can work out after working 12 hour shifts three days in a row,” I shake my head in disbelief as I repeat the sentiments I voice so often.
“What my body’s used to,” he shrugs. “People can often achieve much more than they think they can they just have to commit to it.”
“And be superhuman,” I grumble.
He chuckles. He’s heard that from me a few times before.
“Crazy lady.”
Chapter 12
Craig’s muscular arm opens the door to the flat, holding it open for me to walk in. We don’t need to speak as we move; we have our routine now. We start with the kitchen because feeding Craig is always my first priority.
It pleases me to know he’s fed and taken care of because he’s always taken such good care of me.
“You mind me going to Leeds?” He asks after I’ve sipped the taster of sauce he was offering on a teaspoon.
I lick the drop that escaped from my lower lip a fraction slower than I need to because I’m enjoying the ravenous way Craig is watching me.
Like he wants to lick it up instead and follow up with the rest of me.
I swallow thickly and try to ignore the tension it creates and the way his attention empowers me. It makes me feel like a woman. A woman I like.
“Of course not,” I reply with a shaky voice, making a considerate effort to disguise my own desire. “You should definitely spend time your sister.”
“Come with?” He asks again, knowing I’m more comfortable talking about it now that we’re alone.
“I… I’m not sure,” I reply anxiously just as my phone vibrates.
Dread instantly rises in my stomach as I hear it. My phone is on the counter closest to Craig and he picks it up and passes it to me.
“Bella?” He asks with concern, watching my reaction as I read the message on the screen.
Three simple words.
“I miss you.”
I just stare at the screen unresponsive, holding it out for him to see.
His frown deepens as his shoulders set. There’s no doubt in our minds who that message is from.
I don’t know how Nigel got my number and, frankly, I don’t care. He has enough money and power to get hold of it. What bothers me is the fact that he expended both time and money to obtain it and what that means for me.
I’m doomed.
Before I even realise what’s happened, I’m wrapped in a strong, warm embrace. It’s a solid wall of comfort and protection. It’s quite literally holding me up,
“We’ll get you a new number,” Craig sighs. “Fuck knows how the bastard got it.”
His brow is lined with worry and it’s obvious he’d like to punch something. I’m fairly sure that something is a woman-beating, overpaid, corrupt lawyer.
“No,” I shake my head. Somehow the fact that Craig is angry keeps me calm.
I have somebody who cares about me enough for this reaction. That’s something to fight for. It’s a reason to be me.
“No new number,” I explain. “He’d just get that as well.”
“I’m not letting him get to you, Bella,” Craig growls.
“He won’t,” I shake my head, so touched by his desire to protect me that I actually smile. “If I changed my number, I’d be letting him get to me. This is a mind game. It’s how he works. If I ignore him, I win.”
“He’s not playing games with my… with you,” Craig’s growl verges on a bark.
“I’m already a piece on his chessboard. There’s nothing I can do to escape except outplay him. Let’s forget about it and get back to where we were.”
“We should report it the police,” Craig mutters, cracking his knuckles before relaxing his shoulders on a deep sigh.
“What for? There’s no overt threats in his texts, he’s too smart for that.”
He knows I’m right so he drops his head and embraces me once more.
“Let’s just ignore it. Please?” I whisper against his chest.
I feel him nod his head above me and I smile
“Leeds,” I remind him because I’m keen to start ignoring it as soon as possible.
He takes a deep breath and, with visible restraint, goes back to stirring the sauce we’re preparing. “Why don’t you wanna come? Thought you wanted to meet Jelly.”
I’d like to meet anyone in his family to be honest; they’re a huge part of his life. When he’s not here, at work, or working out, he’s with them. He usually gets at least two phone calls a night from one or another of his family. Even if they’re just ringing to check if he needs anything.
It’s lovely.
“I do… it’s just,” I struggle to find words to explain the internal struggle I’m fighting.
“You still struggling with your freedom?” He cocks his head at me.
That’s it. That’s exactly it. I’ve been a virtual prisoner for too long that being away from the sanctuary of my new home is practically terrifying. It takes me ten minutes just to convince myself to make the short trip into town for work.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, tucking my head to hide my shame.
“No apologies, Bella,” Craig sighs against my scalp. “It’s understandable but we need to work on it.”
I nod. I know I can’t stay like this. I can’t continue to get a virtual anxiety attack every time I leave the flat.
