The Healing Empress, page 11
Nikolos supposed he needed some way to prove that Celena was capable, but he didn’t know how to go about doing that. He guessed he would have to gradually introduce her to his people, and let her establish herself through that means. But he didn’t see how that was going to happen anytime soon, when her family barely allowed him accesses to her, and would forbid her being at a party with him that was primarily Kalarian. It was too risky, even if they didn’t assume he was acting on motives other than love.
He knew the questions concerning the extent of his interest in Celena would be coming soon too. If his mother had spoken to him of it, others would follow, though not as quickly as she, for they held him in awe. But his advisors would question him on the grounds of national interest, and while he didn’t want to lie, he didn’t think he could tell them he was genuinely in love.
He sighed and paced the room. Given time, he could have matters arranged the way he wished. But he didn’t have time. Already the hidden enemy was beginning to move. Kalare would soon face an invasion of its own, and he would have to move then, regardless of how the situation stood between him and Celena. He had at most 3 months left, and he didn’t think he could convince Celena’s family to surrender to him in that time, or convince Celena to abandon them for his sake. He prayed for an answer, not knowing what else to do.
Chapter 33
Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah
~ Psalm 62:8
Celena continued to keep her newfound feelings for Nikolos, a secret from the others. It wasn’t easy. Roxanna and Estella watched her with concern. Theodoros was observing her, as if trying to gage whether she had fallen in love or not. Vasilis continued to tease her, probably in hopes of getting her to inadvertently reveal how she felt. Perhaps she had revealed something, for the more days passed, the more worried they all seemed to grow. But they didn’t ask, nor did Celena have it in her to declare the true state of her feelings. She felt somewhat ashamed for falling in love with someone she couldn’t entirely trust, but such was how the matter stood.
She did confess her feelings to Thespia and Damianos though. They were in a similar position to herself, for they were engaged, and had reason enough for wishing to conceal the true state of matters between them. They didn’t want to make enemies of their friends.
“We had wondered if the two of you would fall in love, that is, if you were ever able to meet in an instance where there wasn’t an active battle going on,” said Thespia.
“But then we thought it was impossible,” said Damianos. “Your personalities are so different. We couldn’t see how you would even begin to have anything close to tolerance for each other. He is so ruthless. and you so gentle. It seemed there would be too much conflict. But somehow, the two of you seemed to have overcome it.”
“I’m not so certain of that,” said Celena. “We are still hiding our true feelings from everyone but each other. Neither of us has even confessed of our love either. Once I am in a position that involves Kalarian politics, we shall see if we are so tolerant of one another. He may find me too passive, and I might find him too aggressive.”
Damianos and Thespia shared a look that said they doubted this, though they didn’t say anything.
Thank goodness Celena had them, otherwise, she would have been hard-pressed to keep her composure under all the scrutiny she was facing. It wasn’t just from her own side either. The Kalarians who were with Nikolos, were beginning to give her examining looks. The imperial guards, who had the most experience with her, were probably the least disapproving of her. She felt that they liked her. But they didn’t seem to think she would make a good empress. If Nikolos had just been some Kalarian nobleman, they probably wouldn’t have been so picky. But as the wife of their emperor, Celena would be put in a position where she would have a lot of influence. Besides the fact she was from an enemy nation, they didn’t seem to think she had it in her to handle the pressures that came with being empress. They didn’t think she was capable, and to be fair, she doubted she was either.
At least with them, she didn’t have to worry about being considered a spy for her own side. There had been that suspicion at first, but once the guards got to know her, they seemed to think her too innocent to be doing such a thing. She supposed most people would view her the same way if she ever did become empress, but there would be those, like the dowager, who would still consider her with suspicion no matter what she did.
She still didn’t know what she should do. God hadn’t answered her prayers yet. Perhaps she was too worried to hear Him clearly, for the worry that came with her affection was almost constantly in her mind. Should she put an end to the relationship before her feelings became even stronger? She didn’t have the heart to do it, nor was she certain this was the wisest move to make. It could anger Nikolos, and cause the war to start again. She didn’t want to be the reason more people lost their lives. She didn’t think Nikolos would be so petty, but ending his chance of a marriage with her, would give him very little reason to continue to seek peace. Prior to their courtship, she didn’t believe he was genuinely seeking it. With her, at least he had personal reasons for it.
For that matter, she also didn’t want to hurt him. She could sense that he too had genuine feelings for her, that were probably stronger than her own toward him. How would he react if she broke up with him? Would he be angry, sad, devastated? Probably some combination of all those, and her heart twisted at the very idea of doing that to him.
But should she stay with him? She couldn’t shake the feeling that she still couldn’t entirely trust him. Even if his feelings for her were genuine, he had as much as admitted that he had approached this courtship with motives besides his romantic interest in her. She noticed that he was giving her more and more books about Kalare that suggested he was trying to justify its actions, and perhaps even convert her to his cause. But she still found nothing that convinced her that Kalare was ultimately in the right. On the contrary, she was seeing more and more evidence that the first emperor and his priest had deceived the Kalarian people, and those who had learned the truth, tended to simply continue on with the lie because they were benefitted by it.
All in all, the relationship, though it held the promise of great happiness, also held the promise of great disaster. She doubted their love would be enough to sustain them if they didn’t entirely trust each other, for she was sure he didn’t trust her completely either, though his faith in her was probably stronger than hers in him. There was also the matter that their families would be almost irreconcilable to the match. She didn’t know how to convince her own to go along with it, let alone how Nikolos would pull it off with his mother. So, all she could do was pray, listen, and hope she had an answer soon.
Chapter 34
Canst thou by searching find our God? canst thou find out the Almighty unto perfection?
~ Job 11:7
Nikolos noticed his mother watching Celena more closely, whenever they happened to be in each other’s company. He could well guess her reasons. One was because she disliked Celena, and was probably looking for more reasons to dislike her. The other was because his mother wished to force this courtship to end, and was looking for some kind of weakness that she could use to convince either he or Celena to break it off.
Celena noticed his mother’s hawkish gaze, and didn’t seem to like it, but ventured no comment. Nikolos was relieved, for his mother wouldn’t have taken well to being openly contradicted by someone like Celena. He was having to deal with enough in private from the dowager. He didn’t want Celena subjected to her harsh words and angry outbursts.
He secretly hoped his mother was looking for the qualities that he had seen in Celena, that he thought would make her a good empress. But he doubted it. His mother was more likely to be looking for evidence to contradict his beliefs.
He sometimes wondered what his mother’s full opinion of Celena was, but thought better of asking. He didn’t want to know. He wasn’t sure if he would be able to show the respect that was due to her as his mother, and a former Empress of Kalare, if she told him. All he knew for certain, was he doubted her opinion was good, for he could read it in her face. It was probably something along the lines of Celena being a weak-willed seductress, who wasn’t worthy to be in his presence. Nikolos forbore to mention that this opinion would be a contradiction in and of itself. He may be the more sympathetic of the two of them, but his mother, in her anger, was more prone to make irrational decisions. It was in this moment that Nikolos realized his mother sometimes let her emotions get the better of her. Perhaps it was she that he got his sentimentality from, for he had never been able to guess with certainty where this trait of his had come from. Now he had a pretty good idea. His father probably had the worse temper of the two, but he showed it through thoughtful vengeance that he pondered over for some time, so it would ultimately benefit him. He didn’t act on the impulse like his mother seemed to be doing.
Still, Nikolos loved Celena in spite of his mother’s opinion of her, and perhaps in part because of it. He often sat in bliss thinking of what marriage with Celena would be like, and forgot about all the trouble it entailed. It was how he managed to get through some days, for his mother and his advisors only added to the misery that was his existence, now that it looked as if the hidden enemy would move soon. Nikolos still sometimes considered telling Celena about this foe, in hopes that she would persuade her family to submit to him. But he always resisted the temptation. They were more likely to help his enemy than aid him, for they had personal reasons to hate him, and not this other malevolent force.
Nikolos sometimes found it strange that he thought Celena was at all qualified to be the Empress of Kalare. She wasn’t the forceful personality her sister Roxanna was, nor that his mother wanted and felt was necessary to be empress. He sometimes wondered if he had been blinded by his own feelings toward Celena, and saw something that wasn’t there. He had heard of men falling for illusions before, and not always because there was deception on the lady’s part. Celena was beautiful. He had admitted that from the first. She could probably cause men of great sense to lose their reasoning. But no, there was something there, he was certain of it. It was just something he had missed when he first met Celena. He had been so focused on his immediate task, that he hadn’t noticed her good qualities. Strange that while he had thought her lovely, he had never thought that he would later want to make her his wife.
One of these qualities was Celena’s quiet strength. She hadn’t fainted when he came riding toward her with the intent of capturing her. She tried to get away, but failed because she tripped, a mistake anyone could make, even the most athletic of people. She still showed this strength, even when they met again, and managed to speak to him, in spite of being afraid of him.
She was also far shrewder than she let on. She saw the truth in people far more quickly than could be guessed, unless one knew her well. Even now, he was surprised how quickly she judged correctly of someone’s character, whenever he introduced someone new to her, for he had begun introducing his advisors to her whenever they happened to be in the same place. She was hesitant to give her real opinion at first, for she felt it was often too harsh. But she was more often right than not, and he was pleased she had the innate knack. He encouraged her to believe her intuition, so she would be better equipped to be empress. Yes, she had qualities that would serve her well, including the fact that most people underestimated her. It was almost like guile, but better, for no one would be able to accuse her of being deceptive, when she never was.
Chapter 35
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
~ Philippians 4:13
Celena saw that the empress dowager was watching her more closely than before. It was not a pleasant stare. It was disapproving, as if the dowager was unwilling to give her consent to a potential marriage between Celena and Nikolos, and would do everything in her power to prevent it. Celena had no doubt that the dowager was conspiring against her. It was obvious that Celena was very different from the kind of lady the dowager thought would make a good empress. So, between looking out for the good of her nation, suspicion of an enemy, and the jealous guardianship mothers sometimes experience when observing potential mates for their sons, she had little reason to approve of Celena. Celena hoped however, that the empress dowager wouldn’t resort to falsehoods in order to get what she wanted. The dowager could destroy Celena’s reputation if she was willing. But Celena prayed that her good behavior would contradict any malicious reports that started circulating, for it wasn’t just the dowager who might resort to that tactic. Celena had reason to believe there were women in Kalare who were jealous of her, and wished to ruin her character, to increase their own chances with the emperor. While Celena doubted Nikolos would appreciate such underhanded tactics. He wasn’t a man to be forced into anything. That wouldn’t stop the ladies in question.
But the dowager didn’t seem entirely resentful. She also seemed confused, as if she couldn’t figure out how Celena had been able to attract her son’s attention. Celena rather wondered this herself sometimes. It wasn’t like she intentionally sought out Nikolos. They had met by chance, and even if she had been interested in becoming his wife, which she hadn’t been until recently. She wouldn’t have had the courage to speak to him with that motive in mind. She only spoke to him because she felt sorry for him. In a cause of compassion, Celena was more capable of making the first move than in other times.
Celena supposed she could draw this comfort from the dowager empress’s behavior. Celena doubted the lady would go to the trouble of being so observant of Celena, if she didn’t think Nikolos was more serious than he had ever been. As his mother, she arguably knew him the best of anyone. She must, therefore, have some reason to believe that Nikolos was going to propose to Celena, which filled Celena with warm anticipation. The dowager wouldn’t think the effort worth her time unless there was some danger.
Celena was worried that the dowager empress’s opinion of her, would affect Nikolos’s actions, concerning whether he would marry Celena or not. Though Celena considered getting to the point of marrying Nikolos to be fraught with difficulty, and still questioned the wisdom of agreeing to the marriage if the proposal ever came. She didn’t want it to be prevented because of the ill will of a woman whom she herself didn’t have the greatest opinion of either. But though Nikolos was a good son, and was careful to guard himself from saying anything disparaging of his mother when with Celena. He said enough for Celena to understand that he had long resented his mother’s meddling, and wished to put a stop to it by asserting his independence. In this case, with his own future happiness at stake, he was probably more willing to rebel against his mother than he would have been otherwise. He was the one who was going to have to live with the consequences of his decision, and for far longer, than his mother would, so his opinion did carry more weight.
Celena did debate whether she should try to win her potential future mother-in-law’s favor. Perhaps she should be more assertive, and act as the dowager empress felt a future Empress of Kalare should. But Celena felt she would fail miserably. Celena was rarely assertive, though she was firm in what she knew to be right. She had thought before that sometimes the subtle approach was better than the forceful one, for people were less likely to be resistant to someone who didn’t come on strongly, that is, if they even recognized what was going on. Whether that same strategy would work in the Kalarian Empire, was yet to be seen. But the novelty of it might just give Celena an advantage that she otherwise wouldn’t have. The Kalarians were so used to being forceful about getting what they wanted, a gentler approach might just throw them off, because they were so unused to it. While it didn’t always work, Celena felt her methods had merit. Besides, she couldn’t ultimately control what the empress dowager thought of her. If the dowager chose to continue to think ill of Celena, Celena doubted there would be a way for her to change the lady’s mind. Celena would have to leave her reputation in God’s hands.
So, Celena decided to act as she saw fit, regardless of what the empress dowager, or anyone else thought. She would consider any advise she was given, but would be guided by her own thoughts and opinions more than anyone else’s. The same would apply to her sisters and brothers-in-law. Estella and Theodoros had been trying to reason with her into ending the courtship through some means or other that wouldn’t cause offense. Roxanna had more than once suggested that she would put an end to it, but hadn’t found a reasonable excuse yet. Vasilis jokingly suggested dropping a few hints to Nikolos that the marriage would never take place. But Celena secretly thought that this would only make Nikolos more determined, since he didn’t seem averse to a challenge when it involved something he wanted. So, with growing confidence, Celena prayed that God would guide her concerning what she should do. While she wasn’t ready to say I do to Nikolos, she was growing more comfortable with the idea. Outside of God, she should have the most say in how her future was conducted, and not anyone else.
Chapter 36
Honor thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise;
~ Ephesians 6:2
The empress dowager continued to harass Nikolos by pointing out anything she saw, or foresaw, to be a flaw in Celena. She also didn’t hesitate to mention whenever she found a fresh instance of the irreconcilability between the two factions. It struck Nikolos as ironic, when his mother had been so for the marriage with Roxanna. Sure, there was the fact that Roxanna was Queen of Oreias at the time that he tried to capture her and marry her, and so by that means, would have made the reconciliation easier, since their interests would have been more aligned. But the way his mother spoke now, it made it seem as if even had Roxanna been his choice of bride at the moment, they still would have had a monumental task in getting the Oreiasans to submit to Kalarian will. He realized once again that his mother, either through anger or worry, wasn’t acting as rationally as she ought to have. She was starting to come across as an embittered old woman, which made him even less willing to listen to her. Still, he must treat her with respect, and she did have a point. Reconciliation between the two sides would be hard, and he must give it more consideration than he had otherwise, rather than continuing to dream about married life with Celena.
