He leans forward and places his lips on mine. He practically sucks me in, holding me in place. It’s a powerful kiss, a great one – one that is totally unexpected.

  Eventually he releases me, and I just stare at him for a second.

  ‘Sorry,’ he says. ‘Couldn’t resist. Sometimes you just have to take chances.’

  I smile at him, hopefully masking how freaked out I am, but not because it’s upset me, because it hasn’t. Farrell is gorgeous and he seems like my kind of guy. It’s just so unexpected and such strange and awkward timing.

  I lean forward and rest my head on his shoulder as we dance. My big dumb smile remains firmly in place until something catches my eye. It’s Zac, glaring at me. He’s dancing with Lilac, but his attention is firmly fixed on me. I get that he’s mad at me, muscling my way into his wedding party, drawing attention to myself, but I’d rather not be here, believe me.

  The good news is that this time tomorrow it will all be over. The papers will be signed, faxed, delivered, and I’ll no longer be his.

  We just need to find an excuse to nip to the mainland tomorrow, before the blizzard hits. No idea how we’re going to do that but we’ll cross that loch when we come to it.

  30

  11 October 2015

  ‘Can I make you a cup of tea?’ Zac asks.

  ‘No thanks,’ I tell him. ‘I’m absolutely swimming in the stuff.’

  ‘Has your mum been feeding you buttery toast and sweet tea all day?’ he says with a smile. ‘The Walker family cure for everything.’

  I shoot him a look.

  ‘Sorry,’ he replies. ‘Just trying to make you smile.’

  I pull my blanket up to my chin and snuggle down deeper into the sofa.

  ‘Do you want me to get your mum to come back?’ he asks.

  ‘Nope,’ I reply.

  Mum has been with me all day, right up until Zac arrived back from London, saying she would leave us to talk, but the last thing I want to do right now is talk.

  ‘Pops,’ he starts, but I don’t let him finish. I don’t want to. I don’t want to hear it right now.

  ‘How was London?’ I ask, cutting him off.

  ‘Are you serious right now?’ he replies. ‘You want to talk about London?’

  ‘Yep,’ I say. ‘How was the audition?’

  ‘Poppy, we’re not talking about my audition right now.’

  ‘Why not?’ I say.

  I feel strangely numb. I thought I’d be feeling more, I don’t know; something. Apparently, this happens sometimes.

  ‘Because there are far more relevant things to talk about,’ he reminds me.

  I’m not angry at Zac for being in London when I lost our baby, I’m just angry that it happened.

  ‘There’s nothing to talk about,’ I tell him. ‘It’s done, I lost it, I fucked up. I don’t know what I did.’

  Zac, who has been keeping a sort of delicate distance, sits down next to me and wraps his arm around me. Normally he would squeeze me so tightly, but today it’s like he’s too scared.

  ‘You did nothing wrong,’ he tells me. ‘I may not know anything about anything in this arena, but I know that much.’

  ‘Just one of those things, that’s what the nurse said,’ I tell him with a sigh. ‘Just some random act of shitness that just had to happen to us – and it had to happen while you weren’t here.’

  ‘I wish I hadn’t gone,’ he says softly.

  ‘It wouldn’t have made a difference,’ I tell him. ‘It was horrible at the hospital, but… I’m home now.’

  ‘How are you feeling?’ he asks.

  I’m sure he means physically but, my God, every single thing every person is saying and doing feels like fire against my skin.

  ‘I feel horrendous, inside and out, in all ways imaginable,’ I tell him, my voice cracking. ‘So can we please, please just talk about your audition?’

  Zac doesn’t say anything. I see him mentally shift gears.

  ‘Okay then, sure,’ he says. ‘If that’s what you want. I think it went well…’

  Zac chats away about his trip to London, which is what he thinks I want, and it’s what I asked him to do, but I just completely tune out.

  I should be so excited. This is his first potential big break as a session guitarist, auditioning to play with Dylan King from The Burnouts, but I can’t absorb a word he’s saying. I can’t keep my mind on anything.

  It’s going to take time, that’s what a few people have told me, but there’s no way to fast-forward this bit, is there? I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t even want to think about it.

  Eventually, I lean in to Zac and rest my head on his chest. I can get through this if I keep him close, not push him away.

  Time and love, that’s what I need, exactly what the nurse said. It’s just one of those things. It’s not my fault.

  It’s not my fault.

  31

  I’ve always hated hen parties.

  I didn’t have one, not a proper one, not really. I did have a night out in the week before we tied the knot, but it was arranged by the girls and it was for Zac too. It was just like one of our usual nights out and a lot of fun. There were no penis-shaped straws, no strippers (unless you count what Zac did when we finally got home at 6 a.m.) and no one wore so much as a pink sock. I loved it.

  Lilac’s hen party isn’t much like a hen party either. It’s worse. It’s like a sleepover at the rich kid’s house, when you’re eleven, and all she does is basically lord it over you while you sleep on her floor. It’s also like every sleepover scene you’ve ever seen in every movie – so over the top.

  We’ve got cocktails, facemasks, and everyone is wearing silky pink pyjamas and super fluffy slippers. Everyone except me, that is, because no one knew I was coming so, sadly, none for me. I wish I’d been quick thinking, like Kat was when she made her excuses not to come tonight. She was all for it until she had to listen to Lilac and Christina talking about how they were going to hide their supposed friend Lauren in the back of the wedding photos because she’s just had a wonky boob job. That was when Kat decided she couldn’t stand to be around them any longer tonight. There are only so many excuses you can make, when you’re trapped in a castle on an island, so when Kat started making hers, I had kind of hoped it would get me off the hook, or at least be something I could piggyback on. But she said she had bad period pain, so unless I could sell the fact that all cousins in our family had synchronised cycles, I didn’t think that one was going to work for me.

  So, I’ve kept my mouth shut, I’ve had my nails painted, I’ve worn the facemask, I’ve joined in with all the silly games. I’ve even gritted my teeth and endured it while Lilac bragged about her sex life – something that was beyond excruciating for me, but I’ve been through worse. I decided it was time to call it a night so, currently, I’m in the bathroom washing the pink glittery gunk off my face. It’s definitely past my bedtime.

  I dry my face before heading into the corridor on my way back to the bedroom, when I hear Lilac and Christina chatting. I hang back for a second, waiting for them to go, because if I try to make my excuses to them out here, two on one, they’ll probably try to convince me to stay. My plan is to grab my bag from the sleepover room and then head for my own bed, hopefully without being seen. No one will miss me if I’m gone, but they’ll know I’m leaving, if they see me.

  ‘You need to lighten up,’ Christina tells her. ‘You’re getting married.’

  ‘I know, it’s just so awkward, with Farrell being here,’ Lilac tells her. ‘I know it was months ago, but he will not stop talking about it.’

  What will Farrell not stop talking about? I’ve only known him a matter of days, but my money would be on either something to do with James Bond or his lat muscles. He only seems to talk about his job or his body.

  ‘So you slept with him, big deal,’ Christina says. ‘I sleep with people all the time.’

  What?! Farrell is Lilac’s ex? I didn’t know that.

  ‘I know, but it’s obviously different,’ Lilac insists. ‘I cheated on Zac with him.’

  ‘Once, months ago, and it didn’t mean anything,’ Christina seemingly reminds her. ‘That’s what you said, right?’

  ‘I know,’ Lilac replies. ‘It’s just… shit, we shouldn’t be talking about this out here, should we? Let’s talk in the bathroom.’

  I hurry back, as light on my feet as I can be, until I’m out of sight. I wait for the two of them to head into the bathroom before I head for my own room.

  That horrible, horrible cow. She cheated on Zac? Wonderful, gorgeous, brilliant, perfect Zac? My God, listen to me. I can’t be going down this road. I need to keep my nose out of this. This is nothing to do with me. I can’t get involved… can I? I’m here for a divorce, not to ruin his wedding. Would he even believe me if I did tell him? Would Lilac lie, and say I was making it up? Would Zac believe her and think I was just here to mess things up for him? Shit, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with this information but, if one thing is for sure, whether it’s going to ruin his wedding or not, I can’t let it ruin my divorce.

  32

  It turns out you have to get up pretty early in the morning if you want to be the only ones at breakfast.

  Breakfast starts at 7.30 a.m. It’s 7.20 now and we’re already at the table, just me and Zac, ready to plan how we’re going to make our great escape today to head over to the mainland and complete our paperwork. That sounds like such a casual thing, doesn’t it? Our paperwork. Such a gentle term for our divorce but how big a deal can it be? We’ve already done it once, or at least we thought we had. Same difference.

  I don’t remember the last time we were in a room, just the two of us. Actually, I do, I suppose it’s obvious, really. The day we decided to break up. After that there was always a supportive parent or solicitor – or both, in my case.

  The stupid and frustrating thing is that, as bad as it feels, being a guest at the love of my life’s wedding, it feels good too, just to be around him again. I’ve missed him.

  ‘First thing first,’ Zac starts.

  ‘You say that as though there’s going to be a second thing,’ I point out.

  ‘There is,’ he replies, which terrifies me. ‘We need an excuse to go over to the mainland.’

  ‘Well, it’s no trouble for me,’ I tell him. ‘I’m MI6, remember?’

  ‘I’m not going to forget that revelation in a hurry,’ he says through a smile. ‘Okay, so you’re going to work, why am I going?’

  ‘I don’t know, a wedding surprise or something?’ I suggest.

  ‘But then I’d have to actually have something to show for it,’ he points out. ‘So unless some tourist tat will suffice…’

  As a thought hits me, I start laughing.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ Zac asks.

  ‘Something just occurred to me and now I’m wondering. Why didn’t we just tell everyone the truth?’ I say. ‘If I had just turned up and said hello, not-quite ex-wife here, our divorce was never finalised due to what we’ll call a clerical error. No sense in telling the whole truth on that point. But here I am, I have papers for you to sign, then you’ll be officially divorced, and free to get married. Boom.’

  ‘To be honest, it never crossed my mind,’ he says. ‘Quite the opposite, actually. For one thing, Sonny is always threatening to beat me up, if I ever wrong his daughter, and it doesn’t always sound like he’s kidding. Secondly, Lilac isn’t like you. She has trust issues. One time, she caught me looking at a photo of you on my phone. She didn’t see that it was you but she knew you must have been someone special. She made me delete it. And the ironic thing is the fact that—’

  ‘Zachary, there you are,’ Lilac says as she marches into the dining room. She looks half asleep, her eyes barely open, her voice still a little croaky. She tightens her dressing gown belt as she approaches us at the table. ‘Morning, Poppy. Zachary, something terrible has happened. The cake isn’t coming.’

  ‘The wedding cake?’ he replies, as though she might be referring to a different cake. ‘Why not?’

  ‘They said someone cancelled it,’ she replies. ‘I woke up to a cancellation, so I called them, and they confirmed it. Apparently, someone called them to cancel it. I’m sure it’s just a stupid error or a mix up but… I don’t know… I feel like this wedding is cursed.’

  Zac jumps up to comfort her. ‘Curses aren’t real,’ he tells her. ‘What do you want to do, cake wise?’

  ‘I’ve sorted it already,’ she says. ‘I called up that café over on the mainland, asked them if they could bake me a cake, threw a ton of money at them, they said yes. It’s ready to collect later today.’

  ‘Oh, okay,’ he replies. ‘Phew. Well, I can go over and collect it, if you like?’

  ‘Don’t be silly,’ she says, squeezing him tightly. ‘There’s a blizzard coming later, it’s freezing out there. We’ll send staff.’

  ‘I want to go myself,’ he tells her. ‘That way, I’ll know exactly what’s going on with it and I won’t let anything bad happen to this one.’

  ‘Can you manage it alone?’ she asks.

  ‘I’m going over to the mainland to send some work documents,’ I tell her. ‘I can help him.’

  ‘That’s brilliant, thank you,’ she says. ‘Zachary, get me some coffee, will you? No point going back to sleep now.’

  Oh, boy, do I feel awful now. It feels so icky, like we’re sneaking around behind her back, like we’re having an affair or something, but it truly is the opposite. Still, it never feels good lying, does it?

  ‘Do you want a cup of tea?’ Zac asks me.

  ‘Yes, please,’ I reply.

  ‘It’s cute that he remembers what you drink,’ Lilac says. ‘I don’t even know my cousins’ middle names. Listen, I’m sorry for all that unpleasant baby talk business. I guess I misunderstood what my mum had tried to tell me. What happened to you sucked.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ I tell her. ‘It was a long time ago.’

  ‘I can’t believe you’re already divorced,’ she says. ‘That’s wild. You can’t be more than thirty-five?’

  Eesh.

  ‘It is what it is,’ I reply.

  ‘Do you regret getting married so young?’ she asks curiously.

  Zac is safely out of earshot for the moment, so I don’t mind answering.

  ‘Absolutely not,’ I tell her. ‘Best thing I ever did. Happiest day of my life. We just really messed it up.’

  ‘Do you still think about him?’ she asks through a yawn.

  I imagine she’s just really tired and it’s not that I’m boring her. Lilac doesn’t ask questions if she isn’t interested in the answer.

  ‘All the time,’ I admit softly.

  I do think about him all the time. I really do. Even before I came here, before I found out about the divorce not being filed, I really did think about him so often. Zac was a huge part of my life; all my best memories are with him. Even when I think of my mum, and all the wonderful memories I have of her, Zac is usually present in those too. I’ve never been able to shake off the ghost of him.

  It’s not that I don’t think Lilac is right for Zac – incidentally, I don’t, I don’t think she’s a very nice person, and I definitely think Zac is far too good for her – but there’s a more important reason I don’t want this wedding to go ahead.

  It might hurt to lie to people, but do you know what hurts more? Lying to yourself. I can’t pretend this wedding isn’t getting under my skin for a second longer and I definitely can’t watch the love of my life marry someone else. This has to end today – and the sooner the better.

  33

  ‘Just another twenty minutes, hen,’ the lady who runs the café tells me. ‘I know it’s all so last minute, but I really think we’ve pulled it out of the bag for you.’

  I can tell from the flour all over her apron and the smear of what the optimist in me is going to say is chocolate frosting on her forehead, courtesy of the back of her hand.

  ‘I can’t wait to see it,’ I tell her. ‘Thank you. If it’s half as good as this one, it will be perfect.’

  ‘It’s great,’ Zac tells her. ‘The coffee too.’

  She hurries back into the kitchen to finish up with the cake.

  Once we have it, we’re headed over to the holiday cabins to send our divorce papers – our divorce papers that neither of us has actually signed yet.

  It’s been such a weird day so far. First of all, the motorboat wouldn’t start, because apparently it doesn’t do well in very cold weather, and we were told by the man who drove it that under no circumstances would it come back for us if the blizzard hit, but that’s not expected until much later in the day, so we should be fine. Then, to kill a little time before heading to the café, we went for a bit of a walk, just making small talk, until it was time to head here to collect the cake, which is running slightly late, but it is a super last-minute thing, so you can’t exactly expect better than the staff here doing their best.

  And that’s why it’s weird, because this is all just so normal, just the two of us having a lovely day in a tourist town. We chatted, filling each other in on the years that have passed since we split. It sounds like Zac is doing really well at work and he couldn’t have been happier for me when he heard how things were going with the business. He’s never considered me boring, based on my job – then again, it was always nonstop fun when we were together (until it wasn’t, obviously). You would never know this was all in aid of us divorcing.

  ‘I tell you what, I never thought we’d do this again,’ Zac says, practically reading my mind. ‘Did you ever think we’d sit together in a café again, just having a drink, eating cake?’

  I laugh. ‘No, I didn’t,’ I admit. ‘But if I had, I wouldn’t have imagined it to be so… nice.’

  ‘Nice,’ Zac repeats back to me. ‘That’s one of those words that is just so… so nothing.’

 

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