The Problem With Perfect, page 24
I walk all the way to the ocean and then along the beach before heading to the dock to meet Kiara and Nisha. The lights on the ferry glow in the distance. The bay is calm tonight and the water looks almost black. I can hear the music beginning to pump from The Ice Palace where we’ll go to watch tonight’s surprise performance. I spot them immediately. Of course, a six-foot tall woman wearing a lime green wig and matching jumpsuit with cutaways running down both sides and a woman in a black sequined sleeveless tuxedo wearing a gorgeous gold arm cuff with dangling charms are hard to miss. Even on Fire Island.
‘You both look fabulous,’ I say as soon as they disembark. They do a twirl to show off. Kiara shakes the fringe on her jumpsuit. Nisha grabs the lapels on her jackets and runs her hand over her hair as she poses.
‘Sorry we’re late. The sitter got held up and the dog needed an extra walk and then we decided to rent a stick shift so I could practice,’ Kiara says.
‘How did that go?’ I ask, unsure if I want the answer.
‘I’m sure there are tiny bits of the transmission from here to Brooklyn,’ Nisha says. ‘But we wouldn’t miss The Giblet Triplets for anything. How are the girls? Are they ready to perform?’
‘I’m afraid Joan of Arse couldn’t make it. Justin had a dental emergency but he’s okay. Clams and Amnesia were crushed but luckily everybody’s favorite understudy was able to step in.’
‘Everybody’s favorite understudy?’ Kiara repeats my turn of phrase pushing some green bangs away from her eyes. ‘You don’t mean…?’
‘Oh, I do.’ We walk down the pier toward The Ice Palace and prepare for another Beau Myles stand-in performance.
The Giblet Triplets are the headliners of the night, so we enjoy some cocktails and sit through baby queens who weren’t even born when Clams and his friends were impersonating Carol Channing or Donna Summer. By the time our queens are ready to perform it’s way past midnight. The host for the evening, a gender-bending performer simply called The Limit, announces, ‘The Giblet Triplets,’ and the crowd erupts in cheers.
The familiar chords of the Wilson Phillips classic song chime through the speakers and the lights go dark and then gently rise as Clams Casino, Milk of Amnesia and, their long-lost sister, Bella D Ball take their opening poses and the music swells.
Beau is a hot guy. There is no doubt about that. It’s always hard to know how someone will look in drag but I’m surprised to find out he is hideous. Clams and Amnesia did their best to beat his face but he definitely looks busted. However, Beau doesn’t seem to care at all. The chorus of the song begins and he’s flubbing lyrics, missing the steps, and looking like he’s going to bust out of his strapless blue sequined gown, but throughout the number he looks like he’s having the time of his life.
‘I can’t believe that’s the same guy you brought me covered in hair and attitude,’ Kiara says, sipping on her daiquiri. Like everyone her eyes are glued to the stage watching the crazy, spectacular performance. It’s a train wreck but a sparkling one that’s hard to turn away from. I can’t believe this is the same guy either. The truth is I don’t think he is the same guy but I’m also not the same person who drove up to find him. The difference is Beau has completely embraced the possibility of change and I’m still considering it from behind the scenes.
They do synchronous jazz hands and Beau, or rather Bella, looks right at me. No amount of makeup can diminish how piercing and warm his gaze feels. I sing along in my head. I’m connected to everyone else in the crowd as powerful vectors of joy bounce around the room like the reflections off the glitter ball.
They finish their number, and the audience goes crazy. A lot of people are filming and taking pictures. By the middle of the song people start to recognize Bella as Chase Myles, the host of Myles of Style. They’re eating up seeing one of their favorite celebrities in drag. All publicity is good for the show, so I’m thrilled when I see people filming snippets and posting on their phones. I wonder if this might even trend. I should have thought of a clever hashtag to help it along but the fact is I’m just enjoying seeing Beau enjoying himself.
Kiara, Nisha and I run backstage as soon as the number is finished.
‘You were all divine,’ Kiara says.
‘Redefining fabulous,’ Nisha adds.
‘Thank you, darlings,’ Clams says. He and Amnesia are glowing.
‘We could not have done it without this superstar,’ Amnesia says putting her arm around Chase.
‘How did it feel, Beau?’ I ask.
‘It was quite a rush I have to admit, and the two of them coached me through every step, but my feet! I admire anyone who wears things like that on their feet. The pain is incredible.’ He’s sitting in a chair in the dressing room almost completely de-dragged but rubbing his feet. ‘It might be a while until you meet Bella again,’ he says. ‘My feet need to recover.’
‘A round of drinks for everyone,’ Amnesia says. She and Clams rush us out of the dressing room and back to the bar.
Eventually Beau comes out to the bar wearing an old T-shirt, his running shorts and a pair of flip-flops. There’s nothing designer or fabulous about him but he looks so handsome dressed as himself.
I order a lite beer and when the bartender offers me a mug I make a big deal in front of Beau about not needing one. This makes him laugh and he orders a beer also. Clams and company have made it to the dance floor but Beau begs off insisting that his feet need more time to heal and I’d rather chop off my feet than dance, so we take our beers and head to a quiet spot on the deck overlooking the ocean. The moon reflects off the water and makes the foam on the crashing waves almost glow.
‘It was really incredible seeing you up there,’ I say.
‘Thanks. Out of my comfort zone for sure but amazing,’ he says.
‘You realize that you now have two loyal and dedicated fans for the rest of your life. Clams and Amnesia will never forget you helping them like this.’ His makeup is mostly off. There are a few smudges around his eyes and his hair is sweaty and pressed against his head in different places. He’s kind of a mess almost like when I first saw him, but in a different way obviously. He’s raw and without artifice and that is what’s so incredibly sexy about him. I guess that’s what’s sexy about anyone – seeing them to their core. I’m remembering the kiss the other night on the pier and I want to experience it again.
‘Beau,’ I start, unsure of what I’m going to say. I can’t announce that I’m going to kiss him and then kiss him. I look out over the ocean and see a ship in the distance. We’re leaning on the railing of the deck side by side, and I move a bit closer to him, hoping he’ll get the message. He does and he scooches closer. I put my beer down and look at him.
The music is pulsing behind us and the waves are crashing in front of us. The moon above and the sand below. Between us is nothing but salty air. I move through it and put my lips on his. His mouth responds, friendly at first as I find my footing kissing him, and then it quickly ramps up to something with more passion. My hands reach for him, and he puts his arm around me.
‘Wait,’ he says, stepping back, his breath heavy.
‘You beat me to it. I wanted to say “wait” first but please let me say what I need to say.’ I clear my throat to prepare for my confession.
‘Okay,’ he says.
I want to be close to him like this but I can’t do that without coming clean first. ‘Beau, my relationship with Chase doesn’t exist. I should have told you. We aren’t a couple. You were right. It’s not real. It’s a silly front for the dumb show.’
‘Yes!’ he says, pumping his fist in the air, going full out bro on me in this moment, and it’s hotter than I thought it would be. I’m also relieved he isn’t angry at me; or is that still to come?
‘I’m sorry. I’m very sorry. I led you to believe we were together. I felt cornered. You had every right to corner me. I should have found a way to explain it all. I’ve never felt that way about him. Never.’
‘I could not for the life of me figure out what someone as smart and caring as you could see in my brother. Except of course for his exceptional good looks.’
I laugh and he takes my face in his hands and kisses me softly. I can’t tell if it’s the beer or his lips but I’m definitely experiencing a buzz.
‘There you are!’ I hear someone say across the shadows. As they approach us I make out a muscular shirtless body with a tacky glo-in-the-dark necklace that provides just enough light for me to see that it’s Keegan. Of course it’s Keegan.
We separate like two school kids caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing, although everything we were doing felt totally correct.
‘Keegan, I hope you aren’t here still trying to get an interview. I had Tina send you his answers to all the questions you sent for the Mediapedia piece on Pride.’
‘Yes, I got them. I’ll have it written this week but tonight I’m officially off the clock. I’m here to have a good time,’ Keegan says. I think he might be drunk since he’s slurring his words. ‘Amazing to see you up there on stage Chase, with those old queens. They’re a hoot.’
‘Excuse me. Those old queens are my family,’ I snap.
‘Whoops. My bad. Apologies. Mean it. It was a great show. Seriously. So much respect for our queer elders. So much.’
Somehow, I find that hard to believe.
‘I was just glad to finally see where the famous Chase Myles had been.’ He stumbles a bit and puts his hand in his pocket, taking out his phone. He swipes around and then shows us a grid of bodies. ‘Where is my magic ass?’
Beau looks at me totally confused.
‘C’mon Chasey.’ Keegan says. ‘Say good night to your work colleague and let’s head down to The Meat Rack.’ He licks his lips like an animal preparing for a meal. It’s disgusting.
‘I think I’m good,’ Beau says, which is exactly what the guy inside me who wants to kiss him more wants him to say. The producer inside me who needs to keep up this charade isn’t so sure.
‘Chase,’ Keegan says. ‘I’ve been seeing this new go-with-the-flow version of you and I don’t believe it. The Chase I know could never spend a weekend on Fire Island without at least one pass through The Meat Rack for a romp in the sand. Unless the two of you are up to something.’ He seems to sober up for a minute and looks at us with suspicion. I feel my heart sink. ‘If you are, you better tell me right now so I can be first with the scoop.’
Keegan says all this playfully like it’s a joke. It’s no joke. Not at all and Keegan and I know that. Beau not so much. Keegan wants some action with Chase. Maybe I’ve kept them apart too long. Keegan is clever. He’s been putting the pieces together since Maria Luisa’s party. It feels like everything is about to blow up in this moment.
‘Keegan, you know how Chase is. I couldn’t keep him away from The Meat Rack on a Saturday if I chained him to the bed,’ I say, but as soon as the words come out of my mouth I’m not sure I’m headed down the right path.
Keegan walks over to Chase and puts his hands on his chest. ‘This big guy chained to a bed? Sounds like a win-win. See you later Chase. You know where I’ll be and you already know what I like,’ he says and lets his hands run over his own chest before walking away.
‘No. No. What are we going to do about Keegan?’ I’m not really asking him. I’m thinking out loud.
‘Ah, nothing. Who cares what he does or thinks?’ Beau reaches for me but I resist. ‘I thought everyone thinks you and my brother are a couple.’
‘Yes, the sponsors. The execs. But Keegan knows the truth. He’s expecting some action. When you’re queer, there’s one way you present to the world and another way you behave in private. At least it’s that way for Chase.’
‘And for you it seems.’ Beau pulls back. ‘You’re serious, aren’t you?’
‘Beau, this is serious. Keegan can ruin everything with one post or one mention in the article he’s writing. He has the power to destroy everything. We are so close. Chase and Keegan have always hooked up. They have a long history of sexual escapades.’
‘And you’re okay with that?’
‘Of course. Chase doesn’t mean anything to me. You’re going to have to at least take a stroll through The Meat Rack.’
‘But I’ll be the one doing it. Not Chase, me, Beau,’ he says, thrusting his thumb toward himself. ‘So I don’t mean anything to you either?’
‘I’m not suggesting you let Keegan have his way with you or anything like that at all. Just let him…’ I don’t know what I’m saying or what I even want to say. My mind is short-circuiting. ‘I mean that’s your business.’ I don’t have any right to be possessive over Beau. He isn’t my boyfriend. We don’t have any type of commitment. ‘I’m just saying that you need to at least do a drive-by, maybe flex a bit,’ I say but as soon as his face frowns I try to dial back. ‘Or not…’ Maybe I had one too many beers. My words are jumbled and confusing.
He looks at me with an expression I haven’t seen before. He’s not angry or confused or defiant. His eyes seem to have drooped a bit and the corners of his mouth have turned. ‘Is that what you want?’
‘It’s not what I want, Beau. It’s what I have to do. It’s what we have to do. Just do a walk through, let Keegan see you and then we can pick up where we left off,’ I say, putting my hand on his shoulder. His eyes dart to it and then his hand reaches for mine to remove it from his body.
‘What’s the big deal?’ I ask. ‘It’s what you came here to do.’
‘I did not come here to hook up with Keegan.’
‘I know that. I didn’t say you had to.’ The truth is I don’t know what I’m saying. I feel my buzz weaken and then strengthen. The threat of Keegan blowing everything up and figuring out this scam has me on autopilot. I’m a bear protecting a cub but my cub is this intangible beast I call The Show. I don’t even know why I’m doing it except for the fact that I’m too scared to let my defenses down around it. If I let go, everything I’ve built will be taken away from me. I can’t let that happen, can I?
‘We can get back to where we were when you come back. I’ll be waiting for you,’ I say, and I mean it. I don’t want what we have started to stop. Not at all.
‘So you’re into this now? Into me? You’ve come clean about the situation with my brother. I don’t like that you misled me but I get why. But that’s not the issue. The fact is the show comes first. It always comes first.’
‘That’s not true,’ I say reactively but as the words come out of my mouth I wonder if they are true. I wonder if I should take them back, but I’m not thinking clearly and when I look down the boardwalk I see the entrance to The Meat Rack and wonder what it would mean if I asked Beau not to go, to stay with me tonight. But I don’t know if I’m ready for that layer of complication at a time when things seem to be maxing out in terms of complications. I have to deal with what’s in front of me, not what is possibly on the horizon with this guy I met a few weeks ago.
‘It’s not a matter of priorities,’ I say. ‘It’s a matter of urgency. Can’t you understand that?’
‘So it’s urgent that I hook up with some muscle head instead of stay here and make out with you and go back to our room at the Starlight.’
‘I didn’t say hook up with him.’ I’m at that point in the argument where my mind and my heart are not speaking the same language.
‘So let me get this straight. My instructions are to walk around The Meat Rack like a piece of meat.’
‘I didn’t give it that name,’ I say but he keeps talking.
‘Make sure Keegan sees me and come back and make love to you and show you everything I’ve been feeling since you drove me down here. Show you how great I thought you were. How much I appreciate what you’ve done for me.’
What I’ve done for him? He’s the one helping me.
‘There are so many rules for being in your world Ethan, or in the world you think you live in. You don’t even see what’s right in front of your face.’
‘Beau, my hands are tied. You heard Keegan. If he figures out you aren’t Chase, Maria Luisa will be furious and Beefy Boy will pull out.’
‘Beefy Boy? That horrible homophobic sandwich place with the “tradition tastes better” BS? What does that have to do with anything?’
What have I done? Those words just slipped out. I didn’t want to tell him this way. I didn’t want to tell him about Beefy Boy at all but now I don’t have a choice. ‘This is not the way I wanted to tell you, but yes. They have decided to sponsor the float for Pride. It’s awful, I know, but they are bringing a lot of money and…’
He looks disgusted with me and I can’t blame him. ‘The show always comes first. Doesn’t it, Ethan? That is always your number one priority, your number one concern. I get it. It’s important to you. But the part I can’t watch is when you put it in front of yourself. I just can’t understand that.’ He turns and walks away. ‘I’m off to the woods. Let me know if there’s any special position you think Chase would use with Keegan or maybe I’ll just experiment,’ he says, and he’s down the boardwalk on his way to The Meat Rack before I can even think of a response.
Chapter 34
A Monday meeting at seven a.m. in Maria Luisa’s office is not exactly how I want to start the week. It’s usually hard to leave the magic of Fire Island but this time I fled. After feeling so close to Beau and thinking we might have an incredible evening together, I spent the rest of the night waiting for him in our room only to fall asleep and wake up minutes before the sun came up. I found him sleeping on a bunch of towels on the terrace.
