I Wish I Had a Red Dress, page 1
FOR ZARON W. BURNETT, JR.,
husband, highwayman,
one cool-lookin’ dude . . .
“And I further swear that the members of the Guild of Free Amazons shall be to me, each and every one, as my mother, my sister or my daughter, born of one blood with me, and that no woman sealed by oath to the Guild shall appeal to me in vain.”
—The Oath of the Free Amazons,
Marion Zimmer Bradley, Thendara House
“We are family/
I got all my sisters with me.”
—Sister Sledge, “We Are Family”
CONTENTS
HarperCollins e-book extra:
A Reading Group Guide to I Wish I Had a Red Dress
PART ONE
1. Joyce
2. Trust Me
3. Stepping on Angels
4. Black Ice
5. The Weary Traveler
6. The Tree Baby
7. Permanent Shit List
8. A Con Man’s Dream
9. Another Kind of Test
10. All I Can Do
11. Better Than That
12. Busted
13. First Thought, Best Thought
14. This Denzel Thing
15. Count On It
16. When Junior Started Trippin’
17. War Song
18. The Designated Man
PART TWO
19. Time Is Money
20. So Far, So Good
21. The Nearest Starfish
22. Here We Go Again
23. The Last Thing on My Mind
24. Best Of All Possible Worlds
25. Getting Better All The Time
26. Same Woods, Same Water
27. For Us, By Us
28. Just Friends
29. Acting Up
30. Nasty Stuff
31. A Candle for Nettie
32. Stages
33. Sexual Healing
34. A Trick Question
35. Bad Memories
36. The Best Man
37. A Gentleman Caller
38. One of Those Nights
39. This Is a Dream
40. A Payin’ Customer
41. Undeniably Different
42. A Yes-or-No Question
43. Kind of Blue
44. In My Mind’s Eye
45. The Problem with Surrender
46. The Enforcer
47. The Best Kind of We
48. On Our Way
49. They Can Hear Me Now
50. Femme Fatale
51. Ass-Kickin’ Clothes
52. One of Those Calls
PART THREE
53. Fighting for Air
54. All Emergencies
55. Lifetime Achievement
56. A Dangerous Combination
57. By Any Means Necessary
58. The Specificity of Snowflakes
59. No Chance
60. Love Slave
61. Guarding Queens
62. But He Was
63. That Red Dress
64. Imagine
HarperCollins e-book extra:
A Reading Group Guide to I Wish I Had a Red Dress
An Excerpt from What Looks Like Crazy on an Ordinary Day. . .
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Also by Pearl Cleage
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
ONE
Joyce
I WISH I HAD a red dress. I’ve been wearing black for so long I feel like one of those ancient women in the foreign movies who are always sitting around, fingering their rosary beads and looking resigned while the hero rides to his death on behalf of the people, or for the sake of true love, which is really six of one, half dozen of the other, when you think about it.
I never cared much about clothes. My basic requirement is comfort, which automatically cuts out high-heeled shoes, push-up bras, panty hose and strapless evening gowns, but could theoretically still leave room for a range of colors, fabrics and even a stylish little something or other for special occasions.
The convenience of all black used to appeal to me. I loved the fact that I could reach into my closet and know everything I touched was going to match everything else I touched with absolutely no effort on my part, but it can be a little depressing sometimes. Even to me.
I didn’t consciously start wearing black as a sign of mourning, even though at some subconscious level, I probably did. My husband, Mitch, died five years ago, which is when I really started noticing it, but he was just the last of a long line. My father passed when I was sixteen. My mother committed suicide on my wedding night a year later. My son got hit by a car walking home from school when he was six and my daughter didn’t make it to her first birthday. I think she was the hardest one for me to deal with because I barely got to know her and she was gone.
It was just the opposite with Mitch. We’d been together since I was fifteen and we were so close I made the mistake of thinking we were the same person until he fell through that hole in the ice and drowned and I didn’t die, even though for a long time I wished I had.
My baby sister, Ava, says it’s hard to keep your body looking good when you know nobody’s going to see you naked. She could have added that when you know your primary audience when clothed is preschoolers, some distracted teenage mothers, a few retirees and a government bureaucrat or two, it’s equally difficult to get up much enthusiasm for earrings that dangle and skirts that swirl like you’re standing in a little breeze even when you’re not.
I’m a social worker. I used to be a teacher. Then one day I looked around and realized that what I was teaching and the way I was teaching it were completely irrelevant to my students’ real lives. They were just ordinary kids from around here; young and wild and full of the most complicated human emotions and not nearly enough facility in any language to articulate those feelings to each other or to anyone else. But one day I saw them, really saw them, and everything changed.
It was a public high school and my classes were coed, but it was the girls who kept drawing my attention. There they’d be, balancing their squalling babies on their hips in the grocery store, slapping their toddlers at the Blockbuster, rolling their eyes and tossing their extensions, considering exotic dancing as a career option, falling in love with the wrong guys, being abused, getting AIDS and steadily having kids the whole time, and they were so absolutely confined and confused by their tiny little fear-based dreams that I looked out at them one day while I was trying to teach a poem by e. e. cummings, and they broke my heart. I started crying and had to dismiss the class so I could get myself together.
That’s when I knew there had to be a better way to communicate with these girls than the one I was using. I decided that finding that better way was going to be my life’s work because I don’t think a group of people can survive if the women don’t even have enough sense to raise their children.
That’s why clothes are usually the last thing on my mind. Black pants and a black turtleneck without applesauce showing anywhere are about the best I can hope for at the moment, but somehow I can’t get that red dress out of my mind.
TWO
trust me
“OH-H-H-H-H-H!”
The intensity of the orgasm shook me awake and I called his name out loud.
“Mitch!”
Once my heart slowed down, I looked at the clock—five-thirty. The sun wasn’t even up yet. Plenty of time for a fast forty winks. I pulled the covers over my head to see if I could will myself back to sleep and was hit full blast by the loamy smell of my own pleasure. Sweet Mitch.
This was a good sign. He always comes to me like this when I’m getting ready to do something really important. Sort of like a kiss for luck. It’s not the only time I dream about him, but it’s the only time the dreams are X-rated. I don’t know why. I don’t try to conjure him up this way, but I don’t kick him out of bed either.
I used to feel guilty about it and then one day I thought, well, hell, if the widow can’t ease her permanent heartache by self-pleasuring in her sleep to dreams of her late husband, then what’s the poor woman to do? It’s not like I took a vow of celibacy or anything. It’s just that Idlewild is a very small town and all the men are old enough to be my father or young enough to be my son, or they used to go fishing with my husband and trying to date me just makes them miss him more. So I make do with the memories and a little self-pleasuring every now and then.
I think self-pleasuring sounds infinitely sexier than masturbation. I got the term from one of Sister Judith’s books. It had a whole chapter on sacred self-pleasuring rituals, featuring photographs and testimonials gathered from what the book described as “active women’s collectives throughout Northern California.” Personally, I don’t think everything needs its own ritual, but these women are living in the Bay Area. Rituals are their life.
By now, I’m pretty much resigned to the ways things are, but sometimes when I think about the fact that I’m only forty-something and there is a very real possibility that I might never make love again, I can’t breathe. But just for a minute, then I’m okay.
I might as well get up. It was going to be a long day. I had to drive over to the state capital and try to buttonhole enough bored politicians to make sure they vote to fund the proposal I’d spent the last three months of my life working on. I knew it was a long shot. They think the girls in my program are a bunch of wild women whose insanity does not deserve th
e support of Michigan’s hardworking taxpayers, but I’ve seen the changes these girls can make in their lives once they have a working definition of what it means to be a free woman and that’s the whole point, right?
This is one of those moments when I really miss my sister, Ava. She did a lot of fund-raising with me, but she and her husband, Eddie, are spending the next couple of months traveling around the country in a little camper. They got it from one of the old guys up here who hadn’t used it in years but who couldn’t stop talking about the good times he had with his wife when they drove it to California every summer back in the day.
My daughter, Imani, went with them. I miss her a lot, but Ava and Eddie are her parents as much as I am, even if my name is the only one on the adoption papers, and they wanted to take her as much as she wanted to go. I’m flying out to meet them when they get to San Francisco and we’ll all drive back together. Hopefully, by that time, I’ll have raised the rest of the money we need to keep my program open, but from where?
Sister Judith would probably remind me that the beginning of doubt is the end of faith. I hate it when she says stuff like that. There’s something about her certainty that makes me want to argue even when I agree. Plus, discussions of faith always make me nervous. Not that I’m cynical. Just realistic.
Here’s what I believe: Life is much harder than anybody can possibly tell you, but it doesn’t matter because even if they could, you wouldn’t believe them and what good would it do anyway? You’ve still got to get up in the morning and figure out how to spend the next sixteen or seventeen hours before you can legitimately go back to bed, pull the covers over your head and rest up for the next round, which is what I was busy doing when Mitch woke me up with the memories.
Not that I’m complaining. No way. There are a lot worse ways to greet the day than being warmed by memories of the sweetest love you ever had. Trust me.
THREE
stepping on angels
MY FAST FORTY WINKS turned into a slow half hour, and by the time I took my shower and toasted a raisin bagel for the road, I was already running late. I dashed out the back door, slammed it behind me and stopped in my tracks. A spotless blanket of new-fallen snow covered everything from my porch steps down the slope to the frozen lake at the foot of my front yard. It looked like a Christmas card.
I grew up in this house, and I inherited it when my parents passed. In the days when Idlewild was a thriving Negro resort, this kind of lakefront property was prime. Nowadays, a lot of these houses are boarded up. My few remaining full-time neighbors are mostly retirees struggling to stay independent and stave off the moment when they will be gently forced to move into that back bedroom in the house of a well-meaning son or daughter.
I tipped back my head and opened my mouth to catch some of the soft flakes on my tongue and resisted the impulse to throw myself on the ground and make snow angels. I was tempted. Ava and I used to cover the ground with them and then spend all winter stepping carefully around each one since my mother said any fool knows it’s bad luck to step on an angel.
I turned on my car to warm it up a little and walked down to the dock for a last quiet minute before the madness of the day. It’s easy to get distracted once I get to Lansing. Politicians are really only interested in two things: votes and money, not necessarily in that order. I’m always babbling at them about making the world safe for babies, and they’re always lecturing me about budget shortfalls. After a few hours of that, it helps to be able to close my eyes and remember mornings like this when the snow makes everything look clear and clean and possible.
My parents relocated here from Detroit when I was in high school. My father was tired of working at the post office and my mother had fond memories of summers they spent here in the fifties, before integration. The glory days. There were cottages for rent, and supper clubs with floor shows, and restaurants that took reservations and bathing beauties who gave Lena Horne a run for her money. It was, in the words of an early brochure, “a vacation paradise for colored people.”
They would be amazed at what this place has become. The land is still beautiful, but it’s a ghost town now, populated mostly by people too old, or too poor, to go anywhere else and a few romantic reformers like me and Sister who still think there’s a way to make it work. Integration was supposed to be a good thing, but up here, it was the kiss of death. Black folks running from each other left behind some of the most beautiful real estate for miles around and never looked back. Sometimes I think I ought to pack up and move too, but that’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, like believing there will always be wars. If enough of us want to fix this place, we’ll fix it.
Look at The Sewing Circus. That’s my program. When Mitch died five years ago, I used the money from his life insurance to create it from scratch because I felt like the way we were doing things when I was working at Social Services was just making people more depressed and more dependent. I thought I had a better idea. Now I know I do.
The formal name of my program is the Albert B. Mitchell Sewing Circus and Community Truth Center, but we usually just call ourselves The Circus. We tried using initials, but saying ABMSCCTC took too much time, plus the younger kids couldn’t remember all the letters and the rest of us didn’t want to.
I like calling us The Circus because it references our history. We started out meeting at Salem Baptist Church on Wednesday nights, the same time as the Ladies Sewing Circle and the Senior Choir, but our discussions got kind of loud and there were always lots of kids around being kids, so one night when we had disturbed the peace one time too many, the organist told the choir director that I was running a three-ring circus down in the Fellowship Hall and the name just stuck.
I can’t deny it. I work mostly with young women and their kids. Not all of them have babies, but most of them do and all of them will. We just celebrated our second anniversary, and we’ve got eight regulars with ten babies between them. We offer the usual assistance—job counseling, GED classes, day care—but I think the most important thing we offer is an active, ongoing conversation, the stated purpose of which is to “develop the capacity for critical thinking as part of the overall process of becoming a free woman.”
I’m a big fan of stating your intentions up front as clearly as possible. Saves a lot of confusion and wasted time later, especially in a group like this one. They rarely read and most of them don’t know how to analyze information that’s presented to them any better than their kids do. The events of their lives and the relentless cacaphony of the popular culture just sort of wash over them, and sometimes they catch the wave, but more often they don’t. They need a way of decoding the world at least as much as they need basic computer skills.
So we meet for potluck dinners, and we talk. We watch movies, and we talk. Sometimes I know I get on their nerves and they accuse me of spoiling the simple pleasures in life by overanalyzing every little thing, but when you’re trying to teach people how to think in a completely different kind of way, you have to talk a lot, otherwise you run the risk of assuming that everybody agrees on the issue at hand when, in truth, they’re just confused or intimidated or overwhelmed by a bunch of ideas they’ve never heard before. When this happens once you leave the room, things go right back to business as usual, which is rarely the best option.
That’s really what The Circus is about, I guess, options, and at this point, mine do not include spending the rest of the morning watching the snow pile up on the frozen surface of Idlewild Lake, although that certainly would be my first choice. My job today is to get in my car, drive two hours to the state capital at Lansing and convince the members of the Human Resources Committee that not approving our grant is tantamount to stepping on angels and I know their mamas did not raise no fools.
FOUR
black ice
THEY CROSSED THE LINE! You know that line you have to be real clear about in your own head so that when people step over it, you can be ready to bring their inappropriate behavior to their attention by whatever means necessary? Well, Senator Busbee and his buddies definitely crossed it and I definitely brought it to their attention, but whether or not the end justified the means remains to be seen.
