together.

  He doesn’t either. He bought

  a coffee maker.

  We Never Wound up Saying It but It Was So Fun to Feel Like This That the Heartbreak Was So Worth It

  I’ll wait til you say it first

  But it’s been on the tip of my tongue

  since you had road rage and cursed

  I’ll wait til you say it first

  But it’s almost slipped from my lips

  when I wear your tshirts

  your voice is satisfying

  your touch on me is lightning

  your smile is mesmerizing

  your kiss is magic I’m yours

  It’s just three little words

  But please please please say them first

  Couldn’t be an artist without you, big guy.

  three

  LONELINESS

  Crab Rangoons

  Met you in the winter in the cold nights

  Drove me to a city I’ve never been to

  Probably never go again

  I kissed your hands at every red light

  Speeding to late night Chinese food

  Half past 2 a.m.

  That was 10 months away

  Feels like yesterday

  Screaming laughing in your bedroom

  Splitting the last crab rangoon

  We learned to make them 6 months later

  In another city I’d never been to

  Probably never go again

  Searched an hour for wonton paper

  In the grocery store around the corner

  Til they said they closed at 10

  That was 4 months away

  Feels like yesterday

  Screaming laughing in your bedroom

  Splitting the last crab Rangoon

  The first time I cried of joy

  I knew you weren’t just some boy

  thought I’d share everything with you

  Now I fucking cry at crab rangoons

  We had the same favourite food

  But we had the greatest love too

  We had the simple shit

  Now I can’t have it with anyone but you

  I heard you sing every song

  I heard you tell me I’m wrong

  About all the stupid shit

  Now I can’t listen to anyone but you

  That was what I would say

  If I ever saw your face

  Screaming laughing in your bedroom

  Splitting the last crab rangoon

  The first time I cried of joy

  I knew you weren’t just some boy

  thought I’d share everything with you

  Now I fucking cry at crab rangoons

  I’m All Felt Out

  I feel like feeling nothing

  cause I’m tired of feeling

  everything too deep

  I’m full of unanswered questions

  getting tired of guessing

  what everything means

  I’m sick of analysing, rewinding, grinding my teeth to the beat

  of my anxieties breathe, breathe, breathe, and release all the air

  that’s inside me

  mining to find what’s underneath

  anything that’s ever been said to me

  I don’t wanna feel stuff right now

  I’m all felt out

  I think I have had enough right now

  I’m all felt out

  Melancholy Joyride

  I try to give myself the love I wish I got

  I try to drain myself of all the rotten thoughts

  Happy on the outside, yet permanently lonely

  Melancholy joyride, moving a little too slowly

  I try to soak in the happiness around me

  I try to throw out the emptiness that’s drowning

  It feels great to take up space

  ’til I’m alone then I’m a waste

  then my self worth is based

  on my career goals and my small waist

  Begin Again

  I wake up at nine but I lay there til ten

  Stare at the ceiling til it stares back

  I’ve been alone I went ghost on my friends

  It’s time to begin again

  I play the same song again and again

  When I press pause it still plays in my head

  I killed the parts of me I didn’t like

  now they’re dead

  It’s time to begin again

  I sleep so much but my eyes still feel heavy

  I want more so bad, want more so badly

  How much more time til the world is ready for me?

  Listen to

  your current

  favourite song.

  My Girl

  I often dream I’m taking care of a younger version of myself. It’s

  not my child; it’s my younger self.

  Usually around six.

  She has the straight-across bangs cut into her long hair I

  associated with beauty at the time and still do.

  I’ve missed that hairstyle and have been wanting it for so long but

  have accepted other’s advice that it wouldn’t look good.

  Wouldn’t suit me.

  Anyways, I like her.

  I make her laugh, I make funny faces at her to see her smile when

  we’re supposed to be being quiet. I take her to school.

  I sit outside and wait for her and think of her the whole time.

  This is my only dream where I sit and wait for so long.

  I take her home.

  I pity her, I feel sorry for her, I smile at her and act like

  everything is fine.

  I worry for my inner child so deeply that I cry when she

  falls asleep on my shoulder on the bus ride home.

  She’s such a good little girl.

  I love her, and I feel guilty when I wake up, and I cry when I

  sit up in bed.

  Is that normal?

  She doesn’t know.

  She doesn’t know how hard it will be for her, how much danger

  she is in and how she is always almost healed but never quite.

  Writer’s Block

  I walk around

  talk to strangers

  about random things

  I drive around

  wave to people

  on their balconies

  in the apartments

  in the city

  when it gets dark

  I like to watch them

  turn their pretty lights on

  head to the beach

  watch the tourists

  make their memories

  I call my childhood friends

  and catch up for a while with them

  on my cell phone

  with my eyes closed

  and I wonder

  what my life

  would be like

  if we had stayed close

  I pass the time

  I try to write

  but it never rhymes

  I must be

  stuck in a rut

  must be a stick in the mud

  I wish I was in love

  I whisper ‘hi’

  as time passes me by

  and leaves me behind

  I must be

  stuck in a rut

  must be a stick in the mud

  I wish I was enough

  A Song I Can’t Write

  Spent the summer heartbroken over no one in particular

  Spent a few weeks in my hometown sorta feeling like a visitor

  Plan for next year in September tryna skip over the winter blues

  Look my sad eyes in the mirror try to see if makeups any use

  The trains in my brain

  They never slow, never wait

  They aren’t stopping

  Cause I change everyday

  that’s the one thing I can’t change

  it’s exhausting

  I can’t get over myself,

  can’t stay on top of me

  Doppler Radar

  Can you hear it in my voice,

  or sense it in my distance?

  You’re no ship’s captain,

  you can’t tell when it will storm

  by the colours in the sky.

  Do you hear my voice like an echo

  when we’re sitting on the couch?

  Does my extra inch of space between us

  feel like the first raindrop?

  Do you have the same internal meteorologist

  with the little voice in your mind that I do?

  Do they doppler every conversation for incoming hail?

  I’m glad you’re not very observant

  because if you asked me what’s wrong,

  I’d crack like thunder.

  Fake

  I feel a responsibility

  To everyone I’ve seen

  To make them all happy

  I wish I was dumber, wish I had more support

  I wish I didn’t crumble, and I had more open doors

  I wish

  Staying up late feeling lonely on purpose

  Reassuring everyone while constantly nervous

  Hated yet completely unattainable

  Recklessly destructive yet unbreakable

  Condescended for being kind

  Reprimanded when I speak my mind

  Teach myself to not relate to liability

  Shrink myself down into a compact squashed piece

  Of who I am, who I have been, who I was

  Letting my friends sweep my mistakes up

  Like little specks of dust

  I love them, and I treat them bad

  Like the sheets on which I eat in my bed

  Even though I love myself to the point that I scare men off

  I squeeze my liquid confidence through a societal cheese cloth

  Stuck Between the Lines

  Lately, the way I’ve been living my life

  Has felt like colouring within the lines

  While I binge watch and oversleep and stay up all night

  I wonder why I feel like I’m wasting my time

  I work from home, I feel alone, only consoled by episodes of TV

  shows I’ve already watched, counting down to nothing yet still

  staring at the clock, and I start to feel lost.

  So I try to write, but nothing new has happened

  So I try to paint, but still I have no talent

  So I try to sing, but most songs sound the same

  So I try to stretch, to alleviate the pain

  that’s manifested in my bones

  In the stale air that clouds my home

  But I can’t open my window without a mask over my nose

  The days fail to separate in my mind

  Looking at the clock to find the concept of time

  Lately the way I live my life

  Makes me feel I’m stuck between the lines

  Take a minute to write, paint, sing or stretch.

  Death and How I Know Her

  I don’t want to die. I’m not going to hurt myself, but if I did die young, which I have accepted I would for no clear reason my entire life, that would be okay. It’s almost like I can feel it coming. I don’t think that’s weakness, I think that’s strength.

  Death, to me, is someone who kind of looks up to me. She really wants to be my friend. Even when I was little, we had this kind of frenemies-type relationship. She wanted me, and I kept her at a distance, but I really like knowing she’s around – she’s an option. And one day, hopefully by accident or she just couldn’t wait to introduce herself to me again, I’ll let her take me with her where she wants to go. I won’t keep dragging her along, making her look after me longingly. I know she’ll love me correctly, and keep me forever, and I’ve always wanted that deep down. Something permanent.

  Gasoline Eyes

  They say there’s always tomorrow

  That’s if I get through tonight

  My eyes are red my breathing’s hollow

  I can’t see a future I like

  It’s all about me and my problems

  feel guilty for being myself

  I know I’m way too hard to swallow

  Can’t I just be someone else

  What used to be rose tinted

  I now envision

  My world through gasoline eyes

  I don’t know what it is about me that’s twisted

  I don’t sit still for long enough to wonder why

  I’m getting close to what I wanted

  And I hate the thought of my reward

  Have I changed or self sabotaged

  me I’m lost and I’m so fucking bored

  I’d love to be a fucking hermit

  a sheepherder up in the hills

  I’ll live in your walls with your vermin

  As long as I don’t pay the bills

  I’ve started getting nervous around people

  Only short interactions feel safe

  I’m worried if I talk to my friends

  They’ll realize I’m not that great

  What used to be rose tinted

  I now envision

  My world through gasoline eyes

  I don’t know what it is about me that’s twisted

  I don’t sit still for long enough to wonder why

  Alien Song

  I’ve come from far away

  There’s a message to you from outer space

  I haven’t read it; haven’t opened up the letter

  But I hope to see you there

  I’ve travelled for light years across the universe

  It must be important or else I wouldn’t be here

  You see, I’m from another world

  My species lost the war and now we are eternal slaves

  To beings made of microwaves

  And I’ve spent all my life hatched from an egg

  Delivering mail

  I’d love to stay on earth with you but sadly,

  It’s the skies I must sail

  Holes

  I used my pieces to fill in your cracks

  No matter what we did it couldn’t last

  Cause I needed them back

  Two broken people don’t make one whole

  We need time to heal

  We need time alone

  I need to be alone

  And you’d think it hurts more to be broken

  Than it does to let someone else heal

  They’ll take back what they shouldn’t have given

  And fill you with plastic ideals

  People become internal bandaids

  To cover the holes in your heart

  But people aren’t medicine are they

  So I think that it’s time to start

  Filling the holes in your heart

  The holes in your heart

  The holes

  Mineral Badlands

  We are where the wild things are

  We sleep in the sun in the streets on a car

  We go where the wild things go

  We cry and tears freeze cause we’re out in the snow

  Your face is covered in layers of masks and glasses

  Each driver looks at you as each car passes

  The path to get to you is made with beautiful crystals

  What if I fall and cut my hands?

  From all sides I’m threatened by guns and missiles

  Trekking through mineral badlands

  Barstool Confessional

  Is it cause my moms a shrink?

  Is it cause I’m here to drink alone?

  What makes people come to me

  for a barstool confessional?

  Seems like I got a face you can bitch to

  Your secrets are safer in this stranger’s head

  I can always tell when people been through some shit too

  I can hear it in their voice, see it in their hands

  I won’t pretend like I don’t want a friend by my side

  This barstool confessional always stays open all night

  Do they think I’ll get it?

  Is it the expression I wear?

  What makes them so rightly sure that I really will care?

  Strangers tell me I read them too well

  I have this sixth sense for seeing who’s been through hell

  I am a magnet for deepest darkest secrets

  But what is it about me that looks safe to tell?

  My Boy Is Ruined

  My boy is ruined

  But he knows what he’s doing

  He’ll only love me if I’m ruined too

  My boy is broken

  He’ll love me for a moment

  So I can become broken too

  Ruined.

  Bechdel Test

  My best friend and I bake something you don’t like

  We pass the Bechdel test

  and the sugar

  but you’re still on my mind

  The feeling I get after talking to you

  Is like waking up with an unexplained bruise

  I don’t know how I got hurt by something

  you didn’t do

  I lit a match

  felt a spark

  but you pulled out the fuse

  I bet that’s smart

  cause it’s something only you’d do

  Wave what could have happened in front of my face

  I wish we would’ve caught on fire but at least I’m safe

  The Bechdel test – a measure of how commonly women are represented in media. It requires that at least two women are featured, that these women talk to each other, and that they discuss something other than a man.

 

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