Loving Lovina, page 25
“I hope you hear him out, too,” Isaiah said.
“I’m not interested in excuses,” she retorted.
“You’ve got to make your peace with him,” Isaiah replied, his voice still low. “And I daresay he needs to make his peace with you, too.”
“What did I do?” she demanded. “I’m not the one who defrauded our own community! I’m not the one who lied to his daughter about her own memories!”
“You left,” Isaiah said, and she felt her face heat. Yah, she’d done that ... and she was planning on doing it again. “Look, I’m not saying anyone is mad at you, it’s just that he might need to understand what you were thinking, too. We might have our problems, but we’re still a family, and families owe each other explanations.”
Maybe she did owe her father some explanations. And she’d have to offer a few more before she left Bountiful a second time. They wouldn’t agree, but at least they’d know why.
“Did talking to Daet about the fraud and all that help you?” Lovina asked.
“Yah.” Isaiah nodded. “It did. It didn’t fix everything, obviously, but it helped. He’s still our father, Lovina.”
Making peace wasn’t why she was so intent on speaking to her father today, though. It was because of him that she couldn’t have the man she loved, and the memory of Johannes’s tender gaze brought tears to her eyes. Her chance at a proper Amish life was forever tainted because of his mistakes, and she needed to tell him that to his face.
And then she’d go back to her job with the Maitlands, because at least there, she could hold her head up.
Lovina pulled herself up into the buggy and took the reins, swallowing the lump in her throat.
“Lovina—” Isaiah said.
She looked back toward her brother. “Yah?”
“You and I can talk, too, you know. If I’ve made your life harder and you need to let me know about it, or if you just need to vent and figure things out . . .” Isaiah smiled hesitantly. “I’m your brother. That’s what I’m here for, right?”
“I’m fine,” she said, and she blinked back the tears that kept threatening to fall. “It’ll help to talk to Daet, I’m sure.”
Her brother nodded and stepped back. “Okay. Drive safely.”
Lovina flicked the reins, and the horses started forward.
Mel’s farm was recognizable from a distance, and when she turned the buggy into the drive, she had to lean forward when she spotted a white van parked beside the stable. The side of vehicle had the letters “CTW.” A man was loading what looked like a handheld video camera into the back of the vehicle, and a woman in a red pantsuit held a hand out toward Abe Yoder to shake. She recognized the woman from TV.
The reporter had found their daet . . .
Her heart stuttered as it caught up again. Her father shook the woman’s hand, smiled, nodded, and looked up as she reined in the horses. The reporter looked up, too, her eyes shining with new interest at the sight of her.
“No!” Abe’s voice carried. “Not her!”
The woman looked disappointed, but she gave a nod and thanked Abe again for his time. Lovina watched as she got into the passenger side of the van, and it backed up, did a three-point turn, and headed up the drive, but the woman leaned forward to get another look at Lovina on their way past. Lovina watched it go, then tied off the reins and jumped down to the ground.
Her emotions had been in turmoil ever since she and Johannes had confessed their feelings for each other, but right now all the rest was buried in a flood of anger.
“You did a TV interview?” she demanded, her voice shaking. She crossed the scrub grass toward her father, stopping front of him.
“Yah,” he replied, giving her a funny look. “I didn’t see the harm.”
Lovina felt the tears prickling her eyes again, and she shook her head in disbelief. “You didn’t see the harm? Daet, what were you thinking? I saw the first interview from Erindale—and they’re making a spectacle of us!”
“They’re making a spectacle of me,” he replied quietly.
“You!” Lovina dashed a tear from her cheek. “And your name has nothing to do with the rest of us?”
Uncle Mel stood in the doorway of the farmhouse, his face like a storm cloud, but when he saw Lovina, he softened somewhat.
“You aren’t the only one upset about this,” Abe said. “Come on. Let’s talk.”
Her father turned and headed across the yard, and Lovina looked back at the house where her uncle stood, and then toward her father’s retreating back. He walked with such confidence—and she remembered that about him. He’d always been so sure of himself, of his way of seeing things. And she’d always believed that was because he was right. But he’d proved himself more than wrong.
“Hello, Lovina,” Mel called. “Go on—I’ll get Seth to take care of the horses.”
“Thanks, Uncle Mel,” she said, and without another backward glance, she headed after her daet.
Her father stopped at the fence, opened the gate, and waited for her there. When she reached him, he gestured her through and then locked the gate after them both. He continued walking toward the pasture, and she fell into step beside him.
“You drove alone,” her father said. “And you know your uncle. You must have some more memory back.”
“Yah, I do,” she said curtly.
Her father slowed, and then stopped. He turned toward her.
“Then what do you want to know?” he asked, his voice low.
“Why did you do it?” she demanded.
“The fraud?” he asked. “Or the interview?”
“Let’s start with the fraud,” she said.
“Anger. Pettiness. Vengeance.” He dropped his gaze. “It was wrong, of course. But I was so angry still. Your mamm was sick with cancer, and the community just stopped giving to help with her treatment. And she died, and I . . . I held on to that. So when I was brought into this fraud scheme—at first I had no idea it was fraud. I thought it was legitimate. When I figured out it wasn’t, they threatened to blame your brother for it, and . . .” He sighed. “I could have gone to the authorities, but there was the anger inside of me still. These were the people who had turned me down for more money to help your mamm.” He stopped talking, looking at her sadly. “I’m sorry, Lovina. It was selfish. I was thinking only of my own righteous anger, and I was foolish enough to think that we’d never be caught.”
Lovina stared at him mutely. This was the strong, confident Daet who’d taught them that right was right and wrong was wrong? This was the man who’d preached so powerfully about the Plain life and the narrow path?
“Righteous anger?” she said. “You were a common thief!”
Her father licked his lips. “One day, you’ll get married, and perhaps you’ll understand a love like that.”
“Get married . . .” Tears misted her eyes. No, she couldn’t marry the man who filled her heart. “Do you think that’s even possible for me now?”
“Your brother managed it,” he replied. “Elizabeth’s wedding is coming up, too—”
“I’m not them!” she snapped. “It’s a little more complicated for me, Daet! I’m in love with a man whose life will be ruined if I marry him!”
Her father sucked in a slow breath. “I went after you. As soon as I came back, I headed back out to find you. I walked streets, I asked anyone who would listen to me. I know I’ve made mistakes, Lovina, but I did come after you. And I hope that counts for something in your heart.”
It did ... That was the complicating factor. Her daet had ruined their lives, and yet his love still mattered to her.
“You ruined my life, Daet,” she said, her voice trembling. “You ruined our good family name. You make it so that anyone who knows us looks at us as different now. Even Johannes! Did you know that? Even Johannes saw something different when he looked at me!”
“That boy loves you—” her father replied.
“He does,” she said, her voice tight. “He loves me. But if he were to marry me, he’d have to give up the community’s good opinion. They want him to be a deacon, but it won’t happen if he’s with me. Do you see what you’ve done? You’ve made me into the liability a man has to take on if he chooses me as his wife!”
“You are not a liability!” her father snapped. “You’re a beautiful young woman with a brain and a heart ... You’re like your mamm!”
“For all the good it will do me now!” she shot back.
Her father fell silent, and in the distance, Lovina heard the sound of the goats bleating from the barn. Did any of this matter? Daet wasn’t questioning her at all, but somehow she wanted to explain herself all the same.
“I left Bountiful last year because I loved him,” Lovina said, her voice trembling. “I loved Johannes with all of my heart, and I will not be the woman who holds him back from the life he deserves. And he loves me still, but nothing has changed, has it? Here you are, giving interviews to Englisher TV crews as if what you did hasn’t gutted your entire family!”
“You think I don’t know that?” her father demanded. “I know what I did! I know what it cost all of you! I have done nothing but beg Gott for forgiveness and plead with him to work even this mess out for good! Do you think I’m trying to draw attention to myself? I’ve been to jail, Lovina! There is no pride in that, only shame. And when the Englishers come asking questions, it’s with judgment, I assure you.”
“Then why even talk to them?” she snapped. “Why not just say no and send them away?”
“Because while you say that this last year hasn’t changed anything,” her father said, reaching out and taking her by the shoulders, “I disagree! This last year has changed a good many things. My sins have been found out—true. I can’t pretend to be any better than I really am! But there are other people out there with hidden sins and secret shame, and the Gott who can forgive a man like me is waiting for them, too. So maybe my story is shameful, my girl. Maybe it’s embarrassing! But we’re assured in the Bible that Gott works out all things for our good, so maybe Gott sent that reporter to find me for a reason. Maybe there are people who need to hear that even the miserable, embarrassing wretches get a second chance with Gott.”
Lovina swallowed hard, her arguments drained out of her. Her father dropped his hands, and for a moment, they just looked at each other.
“Maybe,” she whispered.
“You want to run away again, don’t you?” her father asked softly.
Lovina startled.
“I can see it in your eyes,” he added. “It’s that spooked look, like when an animal is cornered and it wants to bolt.”
Lovina smiled weakly. “Daet, I don’t have a future here.”
“What about Johannes?” her father asked.
“I already told you—I’m not going to be able to be the wife who makes his life better. I’d be the wife he took on as a charitable gesture! I can’t be that woman. At least in Erindale, I have people who need me. I make their lives better for the work I do.”
“And you think you don’t make Johannes’s life better?” her father asked.
She was silent.
“Let me tell you something,” he said. “In prison, I was terrified. I had this cloud of guilt that wouldn’t lift, and I couldn’t hear Gott’s voice in there. It was like ... He just went silent. And I was terrified all the time. The men there are dangerous, and they liked to make fun of the Amish man who ended up with the likes of them.”
Lovina’s eyes misted, and she held her breath.
“In prison, different things are valuable,” he said. “Men use cigarettes instead of dollars. And there’s drugs, too, and bootleg liquor, and . . .” He let out a shuddering sigh. “I was given a cell mate, and he was muscular and massive—the type of man who fought hard—and you’d think he didn’t have any human feeling at all. He was covered in these blue tattoos that snaked all over his arms and back and chest ... Even his eyelids had tattoos on them! He was what you’d imagine the devil to look like. But late at night, he would ask me questions, and it turned out that he’d lost the woman he loved, too. And he’d loved her deeply. He had some kinner who had written him off completely—wouldn’t even acknowledge his existence. He’s in prison for the rest of his life. He’ll never see freedom.”
“What had he done?” she whispered.
“Killed several men,” her father replied. “But that isn’t what mattered. That big bull of a man gave me something I couldn’t put a price on. He was my friend. He understood me. And no one else did—they all thought that I was nothing more than a religious hypocrite. I wasn’t like any of them, and I daresay I wasn’t like my cell mate, either, but somehow we connected on a human level, and our friendship became something incredibly valuable to both of us. I’ve been sending him letters since I got out. Something as simple as a letter can mean the world to someone in prison.”
Lovina didn’t know what to say. She just looked at her father, her heart in her throat.
“Now I’ve shocked you,” he said, and he smiled gently. “Lovina, I’m sorry. My point is that what you bring to a man’s life isn’t measured by dollars or cigarettes, or even influence in the community. It’s here.” He thumped his chest. “If you understand Johannes, and you love him, and when he lays in bed at night he can open up his heart to you and tell you what he’s thinking and feeling”—her father shrugged and let out a long breath—“that’s what matters. That’s what counts most of all.”
“I’m not sure Johannes will see it that way,” she said.
“Then you need to find a man who does,” her father said somberly. “The wedding vows are for good times and bad, for better or for worse. And the marriages that stay strong through the tough times are the ones where the husband and wife love each other so much that they don’t care if they’re wealthy or poor, sick or well, accepted or rejected by the community around them, so long as they’re together. Your mamm was that kind of wife. My cell mate had that kind of woman, too, a long time ago. That’s the woman who lodges in your heart, and you never quite get over her . . .”
Lovina’s heart pounded in her ears. Was it possible that just loving Johannes and standing by him could be everything he wanted? Was there a possibility that her love was enough, that their love for each other could create a union so strong that they’d never regret a moment of it?
Or had things changed too much for that?
“—Lovina?”
She hadn’t been listening, and she looked at her father again to find him watching her with a worried look on his face.
“Sorry, Daet, I was thinking . . .”
“Can I just say this?” her father asked gently. “There is no promise of good times in a marriage. There’s just a promise to stick together no matter what. And it really is beautiful, if you give it a chance. Do you love him enough to weather all the storms?”
“Yah,” she said, and tears welled in her eyes. “I just don’t want to be the reason that he has to weather them!”
“Lovina, storms come.” Her father met her gaze earnestly. “Storms don’t care about pureness of heart or your best intentions. Storms are bigger than you can ever imagine, and they involve powers of good and evil larger than you can comprehend. You can’t stop them, my dear girl. I daresay you can’t even run far enough to get out of their way! It’s who you want next to you when they hit that’s the question.”
Lovina was silent, and her heart felt like it was melting into her chest. Johannes . . . She loved him so desperately. . .
“Talk to him,” her father said. “I don’t know what he’s thinking. All I know is that you can’t just run off again. You broke a lot of hearts when you did that a year ago.”
Lovina nodded. She would have to . . . because a possibility was rising in her mind, and it included a life with Johannes right here in Bountiful. If her love might be enough, after all ...
Chapter Eighteen
Johannes stopped at the mudroom sink to wash his hands, and he took his time, rubbing the thick bar of soap between his rough hands until he’d achieved a rich lather. The soap turned gray, and he rinsed off, then lathered up again.
It was a regular day of working on the farm, but it had felt like the longest day of his life. His heart wasn’t in the work, and all he could think about was Lovina’s upturned face, the sadness in her eyes, the way his heart had torn like a tendon when she’d turned away from him.
The kitchen was busy, and as Johannes came into the room, he nodded at Bernard, who stood at the stove, hovering over the oven. The smell of roasting meat told Johannes that Bernard was pitching in for this meal. The counter was covered with various baked goods—buns, loaves of bread, muffins, even a brown bag apple pie.
Linda sat at the kitchen table next to Daniel, and together they were working on the backing of that quilt.
“Hungry?” Linda asked, looking up.
“Uh—not terribly,” he replied.
She rolled her eyes. “I don’t believe you. Besides, I’ve been baking. When Daniel and I go home, you’ll be set up for a couple of weeks.”
“You’re taking him home?” Johannes asked.
“Well . . . yah,” Linda smiled. “Are you going to miss your nephew?”
“Of course,” Johannes said. “It’s been fun getting to know Daniel now as a young man.”
Daniel smiled. “It’s been fun here. And this is my best quilt work so far . . .” He turned the corner of the quilt to see the front, then continued with his stitching.
Linda pricked her finger with her needle and winced, popping her finger into her mouth.
“Daniel, I’m sorry I put so much pressure on you about these quilts,” Johannes said quietly. “You and your mamm have found a way to make it work. I was just ... worried about you, I suppose.”
“Because it hurts when a girl doesn’t want what you’ve got to offer,” Daniel said quietly, and he looked up to meet Johannes’s gaze. Had they been talking about him while he was out? Very likely—that’s what family did when they cared.
“Yah,” Johannes said. “Exactly. Sometimes your family tries to protect you, and we might come across a little more roughly than we meant to . . .”
