Their Amish Secret, page 14
“Claire—” He reached for her hand and squeezed it in his strong grip. “I know I did you wrong. I know that—”
“Oh, I don’t blame you for that entirely, because I made a choice, too.” She pulled her hand back. “I fully accept that the mistake was mine, and the consequences are mine, as well. A man never bears the same weight of blame as the woman, of course. Because we give birth to the baby and raise him and love him. The man gets to walk away and start again.”
“I didn’t do that!” Joel said, his voice rising. “I never walked away from you and started over with another woman. There is no girlfriend in Ohio! There never was!”
“But if you wanted to, you could,” she countered. “You’re free!”
“So can you,” he retorted. “You might be unsure if you want to get to know that Oregon farmer, but he was interested. So don’t pretend you have no options in life now. I know that Aaron complicates things for you.” He pressed his lips together. “Let me correct that—I complicated things for you. Aaron wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for me. But you aren’t stuck, Claire. Have you ever looked in a mirror?”
“Are you calling me a hypocrite?” She felt like the breath had been knocked out of her. After all these years of trying to do things the right way, even after her mistake, would he dare to say she was anything but honest about who she was?
“What?” Joel shook his head. “Claire, I asked if you’ve ever looked in a mirror, because you’re beautiful! You’re stunning, actually. You turn heads!”
“I do not.” She stared at him, aghast. That wasn’t the Amish way. Besides, if people looked at her twice, it was because she had a four-year-old boy in tow. “I am not out there preening, looking for male attention, I can assure you!”
“You most certainly do turn heads.” Joel said it flatly, like a fact. “Maybe you don’t like it. Maybe you don’t notice. But you’re gorgeous, and I know that I’m not the only one who sees it. There will be plenty of farmers who’d be more than willing to make you a wife. I assure you of that.”
“Oh...” His compliment had taken the fuel out of her, and she looked up at him, searching around inside herself for the point she was trying to make.
“Are you going to do it, then? Are you going to write back to that farmer and tell him that you’re interested?”
“I don’t know,” she said, a lump rising in her throat. “Like I said, you showing up made everything harder. I don’t know if I can summon up the strength to write to a stranger and try to convince him he should vow to be mine for the rest of his days and let me be the one to care for him and his daughter.”
“You deserve a good life.” Joel’s voice sounded wooden, as if he couldn’t summon up the strength to encourage her in this, either.
“Yah, I do. But Joel, I know what it feels like to fall in love with a man and to have that happen spontaneously. I’m not an old maid who never experienced romance before. I have! And turning to a matchmaker who would find me someone appropriate felt like the right thing to do a few months ago. It felt like my solution.”
“What changed?” Joel took a step closer.
“You showed up!” Why was he not understanding this? “You showed up on my door, and you always did tangle my heart up something fierce, Joel Beiler. I’m supposed to up and marry some stranger now? When I know what real love feels like?”
Joel was silent for a moment, and he caught her gaze with his simmering dark eyes. He licked his lips and looked like he was going to say something, then stopped.
Claire had said too much already, and she reached for the shovel again. This was why she should have come out here alone. Prayer and reflection could have helped her hold her tongue.
“Wait—” Joel caught her hand. “You said you know what real love feels like. Are you saying you loved me then, or you love me now?”
She shook her head. “Does it matter?”
“Yah, I think it does.” His voice was low, deep, and it resonated through her like the toll of a bell.
She had most certainly loved him five years ago, and she’d worked hard to stop, because what did it get her? All it brought was pain! And then Joel showed up on her doorstep, and it was like all that hard work was ripped away, because falling in love with Joel had never been by choice. She couldn’t help herself.
“Claire, then or now?” Joel pressed, and he stepped closer still, taking the shovel from her hands and then putting his hands on the sides of her face as he looked down at her. Her knees felt weak, and with the tickle of his breath against her face and his blazing gaze demanding the truth of her, she had no more strength to keep up appearances.
“Both,” she whispered.
And his lips came down over hers in a searing kiss that made her heart nearly beat out of her chest. Yes, this was exactly what made it impossible for her to write letters with other men looking for a wife. A letter with a stranger felt cold and stagnant next to a kiss like this.
And she couldn’t go a lifetime without this kind of love.
* * *
Joel hadn’t meant to kiss her. He’d just needed his answer, and when she’d said she loved him, the kiss had been his response. Her lips on his felt like a homecoming—a frantic relief after too many years of trying to convince himself that she was locked in his past. Her cheeks were cool under his touch, but she moved closer, and he pulled her against his chest and closed his arms around her. This felt more right than anything in his life.
For five years, he’d been the image of chaste responsibility. He didn’t flirt, he didn’t take women out driving and he didn’t respond to any hopeful interest from single women in Ohio. He hadn’t been available—even though he was well and truly single. He’d been proud of his conduct, but bring him to Pennsylvania and into Claire’s company again, and where did he find himself? Kissing her in a stable while the wind outside howled with the same intensity as his swirling emotions.
He pulled back and looked down at her plumped lips. Her eyes fluttered open, and he exhaled a shaky breath. He didn’t let go of her, though. He never wanted to move from this spot again.
“I don’t know if it’s worth anything at all to you,” he whispered, “but I love you, too.”
“Oh, Joel...” Tears welled in her eyes, and she pulled out of his arms then, and he was forced to release her. But he caught her hand again, not willing to let go of all contact with her. He could feel the tremble of her pulse in her wrist, and he lifted her hand to his lips and pressed a kiss against it.
“I loved you when I first met you five years ago,” he said against her fingers. “I loved you when I lay in that hospital bed, and I loved you with every heartbeat until now. But I shouldn’t have come. I should have sent someone else.”
“Why?”
“Because seeing you again—” His voice caught in his throat and he swallowed hard. “Because seeing you again is even harder than I thought it would be.”
“Yah, I know that feeling.” She smiled faintly and dropped her gaze.
Joel tugged her back into his arms, and she exhaled a long, shaky breath, as if she was feeling the same wild relief he did at holding her close. Five years ago, he’d felt strong and capable when he held her like this. But now, he was at a disadvantage. He used to have a lot to offer a woman—more than just a faithful heart.
“You haven’t changed a bit,” he murmured against her hair. And neither had his feelings for her. That was the tough part. He’d been praying that Gott would bring his emotions past her, let him see her in a more sisterly way, perhaps, but it was like Gott had laughed at that, because now he seemed to love her even more than ever. Now that all he had was this faithful heart, it was all in.
And that was not helpful!
“I certainly have changed.” Claire pulled back. “I had a baby—that changes everything. I’m a mamm now.”
“Yah, I know...” He swallowed. “Seeing Aaron, knowing that he’s mine, that definitely changed me. Having a son in this world—Claire, I will do anything to take care of the two of you. That inheritance is yours. Anything else you need, you tell me, and I’ll find a way to get it to you. I mean that. I’ll provide for you until I can’t anymore.”
“Who will take care of you?”
“My mamm, for a little while, but I’ve already told her that we’ll hire someone to come in and deal with me. She doesn’t need to do that again. She did it once with my daet, and that’s enough.”
“So a stranger.” Claire’s tone betrayed her disapproval.
“It’s better that way,” he replied. “A stranger is paid to be there, and when they go home, they don’t get hurt by what you say. You’re just a job.”
“And that’s what you want to be?” She shook her head. “You want to be someone’s job?”
“Yah!” Joel searched her face. Did she still not understand? “Yah, that’s what I want. I don’t want to crush anyone. I don’t want to leave my family shaken and guiltily relieved that I’m gone! So yah, I’ve given it a lot of thought, and it’s the best way to go.”
“You’ve changed, Joel.”
That stung to hear, even though he knew it was true. He was now physically half the man he used to be. A well-timed fib might soothe his ego, but it wouldn’t do him any good in the long run.
“I know,” he whispered. “And I’m sorry. Where does it leave us?”
“Where does it leave you?” she countered. “Because this doesn’t really change anything for me except making moving on even harder than it’s ever been! I’m still Claire Glick, Aaron’s mamm and a woman people are starting to respect around these parts. But you—you’re just passing through.”
That wasn’t fair, and he eyed her for a moment, wondering if she really believed that.
“I came to see you,” he said. “You make it sound like I’m here on vacation. You know it’s not like that.”
“I know.” She dropped her gaze.
“I wasn’t just passing through your community five years ago, either,” he said. “I meant to come back.”
“But you didn’t.” She blinked back tears.
“I don’t have to leave this time,” he whispered. “I said it before. I could stay around here—start doing bookkeeping for some local businesses. I could be closer by...”
“My son’s father, who can visit twice a week.” She smiled bitterly. “A cordial relationship and some pleasantries over a piece of pie.”
“Raising our son together.”
She nodded, but there was no happiness in her face. She wanted more—every woman did. But he couldn’t give it! He didn’t have the strength a husband needed to provide!
“Claire, you know my situation.”
“I know you didn’t want me with you when you were sick.”
“I’m still sick!” His voice started to rise, and he tried to lower it again, not wanting to scare her. “Claire, this is a condition I will die with. It won’t go away. I won’t heal from it. I will have stroke after stroke until one of them takes me. That’s how this works.”
“You don’t know that! Where is your faith?”
“I saw it with my daet!” he shot back. “I know exactly what’s waiting for me, but I’m going to be better than him—I’m not going to inflict that on a woman. Not on any woman, Claire. I’m not saying you aren’t good enough. I’m not saying I prefer someone else. I’m saying, I’m not getting married. Period. That’s got to mean something to you.”
“If you stay, then I will never get married,” she said, her voice tight. “If you stay here, I’ll be your friend, and I’ll be in love with you—which will be agony—and you will put a spotlight on me as the unmarried woman who is still friends with the father of her child. That will be juicy gossip, and that will make me completely unmarriageable.”
Joel’s presence wouldn’t make her life any easier...even though staying here would soothe his heart. Being able to see her and Aaron, knowing they were okay—it would be a powerful relief for him. But this wasn’t about him—he’d promised himself he wouldn’t do that. There was more than one way to be a burden on a woman.
“So it’s better if I leave,” he said hollowly.
“I’m not telling you to stay away. But if you stayed, it would have to be discreet. And that starts to feel like deception, doesn’t it? That level of discretion starts requiring lies.”
“You’re honest, and such a good woman,” he said softly.
“That doesn’t help me in the least if my reputation gets dragged through the mud again. I have to be practical, Joel. I have no other choice!”
“So loving each other as we do, there really is no way, is there?”
Claire’s lips wobbled, and she blinked back tears.
“Claire, you’ve got to say it out loud,” he said miserably. “Because I’m going to look back on this conversation a thousand times in the coming weeks, and I’m going to second-guess everything. I need to hear you say it clearly.”
“There’s no way,” she whispered, and she wiped a tear off her cheek. “No matter how much I love you.”
“Maybe after you’re married, if your husband would allow it, I could visit Aaron sometime,” he said, his voice husky. Was it even possible? Because she’d belong to another man then, and he’d be the one waiting for crumbs.
“Maybe.” She swallowed. “But when Aaron is old enough, when he’s baptized and he’s already solid in the young man he’s going to be, I can tell him who his real father is, and he can visit you—as a man. But not now.”
If Joel was still strong enough to do it.
That was the hard part—he had no idea how the future would unroll, and he might very well miss his chance at getting to know Aaron as his son.
“Claire, I understand that it’s best I stay away, but tell him I loved him, okay? Tell him that I had wanted to be a better daet to him and that I’d done my best. Tell him that—” Joel swallowed hard. “Tell him I loved his mamm dearly.”
Claire nodded, and Joel bent down and pecked her lips. That would be the last kiss.
“I’m going to leave as soon as I’m able,” he added.
She nodded and wiped tears off her cheek.
“In the meantime, you go on back inside,” he said. “I’ll finish up out here.”
“But your leg—” she started.
“It’ll hurt,” he said roughly. “But let me be a man here—please.”
Claire nodded and moved toward the door. He waited until she’d pushed it shut behind her, and then he let out a wavering sigh and picked up the shovel.
He’d clean up this stable and do what he could for her. When he left, he wanted her to have some proper memories of him, not some pathetic time when she’d taken care of him.
As he shoveled, with no one to see, the tears leaked down his cheeks. He might still be a man, but he had a heart to break.
Chapter Eleven
That night, the wind continued to blow, rippling across the pools of water and the swampy pastures and whistling past the half-submerged fence posts. It swept over Pennsylvania farmland, shrieked down chimneys and sucked up the moisture on the land below, shrinking the lake of water that drenched the front of the Draschel Bed and Breakfast. Muck was left behind where the water drained and evaporated, and some areas even dried up into cracked mud under the persistent blow of that howling wind.
Lying in bed that night, Joel listened to the moan outside and the rattle of the tin stovepipe, his own heart feeling like it could join in with the mournful gale. He’d come here knowing he wouldn’t marry her. He knew it. And she had a future better than he could provide, if she’d just step out and claim it.
Maybe part of his penance would be watching her move on to a worthier man than he was. Even if it would hurt, and he’d carry it around with him as a perpetual ache inside his chest.
He finally did sleep, and it was a heavy, dreamless slumber. He awoke with a dry mouth and that dehydrated, empty feeling of heartbreak. It was like the last time he made this decision, propped up in a hospital bed, trying to slur out some semblance of his name for a patient nurse. He’d known then that he couldn’t inflict this on Claire, and he’d had that same empty, dry-mouthed feeling. He’d thought it was the effect of the stroke. Maybe it had been more about heartbreak. Morning sunlight slanting through the window and pooling like gold on the wood floor didn’t do anything to improve his frame of mind, either.
Gott, I love her, he prayed as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed. And I love my son. I’m going to love that boy with everything I’ve got for as long as I live, but it’s my feelings for Claire that are the problem, Gott. I love her, too, and I can’t see that changing. Make me a good father for Aaron—somehow make a way. And help me to let go of Claire. She never was mine, and I’m still so sorry for having overstepped with her the way I did. In Your mercy, Gott, give me some peace.
He dressed, packed his bag and shaved with the pitcher of wash water Claire had left in his room. She had a kind heart—still caring for his comfort while knowing they’d never be more to each other. She was a very good woman, and she deserved a man who’d take care of her properly. If only that could have been him.
But Gott didn’t make mistakes.
When he came out of his room, his bag in hand, no one was inside. Out the kitchen window he could see Claire and Aaron standing by the pool of water that still covered a large portion of the drive, and Ted and Gloria stood in borrowed rubber boots, the doors of their car open. The engine growled and then faded away. Ted emerged from the car.
