Holy Mayhem, page 24
Every few seconds, someone witnessing Porky wiggling and acting confused knocked on one of the windows. The question was always, “Sir, do you need help?”
No sooner would Porky answer, “Yes,” and that he needed to borrow a cell to make a phone call than Felony would begin to growl, acting crazier than normal. It was always enough to scare away any potential help.
All he could do was sit with a face looking disfigured from being squashed against the window as though he were on display, and wait.
Joy’s and Patience’s humming began fading from a murmured but enthusiastic remix of “As long as I got King Barack and the pastor’s in room three eleven” to a hush, as they realized the approaching men already seemed focused upon them.
“Oh, I hope everything is all right.” Patience kept her eyes glued to the men as they continued walking down the hallway.
Joy nodded her head toward the men. She could hardly contain herself. She planted a kiss on the ID pouch she’d hung around her neck, patting it as if to soothe her missionary license. She began practicing facial contortions, those she felt would make her look more professional and hide her real purpose of snooping.
“This is it,” she told Patience. “I’m glad we brought our congregational membership cards and missionary licenses.”
“I’m glad, too,” Patience replied. “I’m not comfortable with the way these orderlies are eyeballing me. Especially that short yellow one; he looks like a throwback from a hunchback. He must be extra ugly. I can tell from this distance that he ain’t a handsome fella.”
“That other one looks like that character Lurch who played on that Addams Family series. Either way, I don’t like the way those two negroes are now looking at us while they walk this way.”
“Joy, they look too shifty.”
“They do, don’t they?” Joy confirmed, looking down her nose as the men’s distance narrowed. She craned her neck and whispered to Patience, “We’re unique and highly flavored.” Remembering the predicament her pastor was in, Joy suddenly added, “You’d think they’d be professional enough to stick to the business of tending sick folks instead of lounging around the hallway looking to probably hassle innocent folks. These orderlies are out of order.” Give me strength, Father. I might have to kick some butt up in here if they ain’t attending to my pastor like they oughta.
“Miss Karry!” One of the men, the one she had thought looked like Lurch, approached her quickly. He then turned to Patience and took a second look, as did his partner.
The one Patience had described as a yellow Quasimoto began grinning before he blurted, “Wow, Miss Patience, is that you? I hardly recognized you without those huge binocu—”
The second man interrupted before his partner brought unnecessary attention, which was sure to happen if he continued running his mouth. “Without your regular glasses, he means.”
“Yes, that’s what I meant. Are those hazel or just plain light-brown contacts? You look fabulous.”
“Thank you.” Patience blushed shamelessly. “I guess I have changed just a teeny bit since I worked with y’all back in homicide and robbery. Last I heard, you two were being sent to undercover duty.”
“Enough of this chitchat,” Joy said. “Johnson, Blake—what are you two doing up here dressed up like orderlies?” Joy began switching her Bible from one hand to the other.
“Joy, stop being so rude, and what are you doing with that Bible? Are you planning on hitting them with the Word?”
“We’re on assignment,” Quasimodo Blake replied. “So just keep on pretending like you don’t know us if anyone comes out into this hallway.”
“Yeah,” Lurch Johnson added, “and since it’s Sunday, most folks would be in church. We’re surprised to see you here at this time.”
“We got a lot of time on our hands since we was dumped by y’all.”
“Miss Joy, we didn’t have anything to do with your layoff. You should know that,” Detective Blake stated.
“That’s right, Miss Joy. We didn’t even report to human resources or to Percy what we were sure you were gonna do with that sharp scraper,” Johnson added.
Johnson tapped Blake on the shoulder before suggesting, “And that bottle of whatever damaging liquid you had in your hand near that human resources car.”
“That’s all lovely,” Patience said. She gave a quick wink to Joy before proceeding. “Joy, why don’t you tell Blake all about Felony? I’m certain he’d like to know how the puppy is faring. After all, he did give it to you a couple of years ago, and he ain’t been by to check up on it. In the meantime, I need to find a bathroom.”
“Before I tell them anything about Felony, I wanna know why they up here dressed like this.”
“Joy, since we know they were assigned to the undercover unit before we got kicked to the curb, it’s obvious from their ill-fitting orderly costumes that they’re working undercover.”
“You were always a smart one,” Blake said. His face twitched, signaling he was trying to bite his tongue. A smile appeared. “Can’t tell y’all about the case, but Miss Patience, you can find a bathroom at the end of that hallway, by room three eleven.”
Joy’s and Patience’s smiles suddenly lit up the hallway before Patience seemingly two-stepped down the hallway toward room 311.
Around the corner, about a half a block from where Joy and Patience had gone to visit Rev. Stepson at the rehabilitation center, a WPAK television camera crew’s van had pulled up and parked. The van’s doors swung open and several husky men poured out onto the street. They quickly threw pieces of equipment over their shoulders and dashed toward the building to set up for the shoot. Reign led the way while barking orders, showing her authority.
It wouldn’t have surprised anyone who knew Reign that earlier she’d flipped the script when she learned the latest news on the president. The White House press secretary had issued a secure update that President Barack Obama had changed his schedule. The POTUS was having a brief meeting and photo op that very afternoon with the governor at the town hall in Metro Center along with several other officials before continuing on to New York for a fundraiser.
It hadn’t taken her two minutes before she’d sailed into the assignment editor’s office prepared to battle. However, with little effort she’d managed to convince the assignment desk to change her assignment from covering the James Memorial A.M.E. event. She reminded them of her status, saying that no one other than a seasoned reporter should cover the president’s meeting. If the date of the James Memorial event hadn’t changed, she’d have covered the president anyway.
From where Porky peered out the SUV’s back window, he could see the WPAK van as it’d turned the corner. He’d thought about just leaving, with Felony standing guard, and going as far as the corner to check things out. He’d hoped Reign would be among the crew. Then he remembered that Reign was covering some church event, someplace he couldn’t remember, and he slumped back onto the seat. “Reign or no Reign, I can’t just sit here. I got to find out what’s happening with those two nuts. I’m the man, and they need to respect me!”
As if Felony had read Porky’s mind, the dog backed away from the door. When Felony lowered his big head, Porky muttered, “Are you finally realizing who’s boss up in here? Or are you laughing at me?”
Meanwhile, as the WPAK camera crew bustled about, Reign walked over to one of the three cameras. She needed to make certain that each camera was set to capture the hot political atmosphere not only inside but out on the street as well. “It’s always good to get the public’s reaction to a visiting president,” she told the crew.
Reign’s cell phone chimed loudly. It meant she’d received an urgent message from the station. He′s running late. We′re gonna need to give the President about another forty-five minutes before he and the governor can meet.
Reign drew a finger across her throat, her signal to the inside crew to stop what they were doing. “Give me two minutes, then let’s start again. I need to give an update. Looks like it’s another one of these hurry-up-and-wait situations.”
She’d just walked past the outside camera crew to tell them also of the delay when she saw Porky racing towards her, with Felony sprinting beside him. “Oh Lord.” Reign didn’t wait for the cameraman to zoom in so she could give an on-air update to the television audience; instead, she pulled out her cell phone, pressed the speed dial, and blurted, “What the hell?” And, of course, she forgot the outside crew was still live from the sound check.
Rev. Lock and First Lady Stepson’s baby girl had uttered a profanity on live television.
Chapter 38
Reign pressed Porky as to why he was even in Anderson, much less in the same neighborhood as she until, she hoped, she had the truth.
“Why in the world would they go see Dad? All of you promised to stay put until the service tonight. Y’all gonna make me old and gray before I’m old and gray!”
With nothing but her press clearance in her hand, and Porky staggering and out of breath to keep up with her, they placed Felony back inside the RAV.
“Stay put, Felony,” Reign hissed.
Felony immediately looked at Reign. The dog growled and lifted his hind leg. Porky immediately snatched Reign out of the way before he slammed the passenger door shut. “You don’t want none of what that mutt’s about to let out. One day that smell gonna bring out them environmentalist folks for sure.”
Reign caught a whiff from the cracked car window before almost crumbling, but she and Porky recovered quickly and began racing the block and a half to the rehabilitation residence and up to her father’s floor.
By the time they arrived, Porky was almost in stroke condition from being so out of shape, and Reign’s WPAK dark blazer looked almost mildewed from sweat. Neither looked any better by the time they located Joy.
Joy had an orderly almost pinned against a wall while the other orderly stood by looking helpless. “Oh Lord.The insanity circus has already begun,” Reign told Porky before returning her attention to the scene of a possible hallway crime.
“Miss Joy, what are you doing?” Reign hadn’t realized she’d shouted in the near empty hallway until the other orderly rushed toward her.
“Reign, what are you doing here? Your dad’s sleeping, knocked out from his meds. He’s fine and about the same; besides, you’re not scheduled to visit him until tomorrow. Didn’t Detective Percy or your mother explain things to you?”
“Hi Johnson, didn’t recognize you in that get up. Sorry, about this but—” Reign stopped and nodded toward Joy, who still had Blake pinned against the wall. “I thought there might’ve been a problem when I learned my future godmothers-in-law were visiting.”
“Visiting who?” Johnson asked.
“My father, of course; who do you think they’re visiting?”
“We didn’t get that far. We were going to ask, but Miss Patience needed to use the ladies room and Miss Joy is over there showing Blake how Felony corners the bad guys.”
Porky stood a few feet away listening to Joy, who had Blake’s total attention. He began to smile, muttering, “Gotta hand it to my cousins; Slick Wynona’s the biggest con on the block, but she ain’t got nothing on them gals. If these dummies can’t see through what Joy and Patience pulling, then I ain’t gonna help them.”
“Hey Porky, you say something?” said Blake. “I didn’t see you at first. I was over there chatting with Miss Joy about Felony. He’s gotta lot of bust-a-criminal, according to her.”
“Nope, I ain’t said a word. I’m just here to observe.”
“Blake,” Johnson called out, “get over here quick!”
Porky’s and Joy’s heads swung in Johnson’s direction. Neither said a word but looks exchanged between them read that they were on the same page of the plan.
Joy had already noticed Reign when she appeared with Porky but had decided to keep working on keeping Blake’s attention, just in case Patience needed more time to do more than go to a bathroom.
Just as Reign and the undercover detectives turned the corner toward the reverend’s room, they ran directly into Patience. She had a paper towel in her hand, which dripped water.
“What’s wrong with y’all?” Patience quipped. “Y’all almost knocked me down.Was my going to the bathroom on a timer or something?”
“Sorry, Miss Patience,” Blake said, “I’d meant to ask who you needed to visit on this floor, but we got to get back on our assignment. We don’t wanna mess up our first one.”
“Accept my apology, too, Miss Patience,” said Johnson. “You, Miss Joy, and Porky have a nice day.”
Within a second, all they saw were two flashes of white as the undercover detectives sprinted away toward the reverend’s room.
“Speaking of which,” Reign said, “I need to get back to mine.” She quickly turned to Joy, Patience, and Porky. “It’s getting late. You have a service tonight, and you probably need to be rested because I’m certain Percy will want to chat.”
“How Percy gonna know what to chat about?” Joy asked slowly as she sucked her teeth.
“I’m gonna give him a subject or three.” Reign nodded at each of them before she continued. “That’s how he’ll know. And I mean it, too.” Reign’s words were sharp.
Reign’s cell phone chimed, indicating she had a text.
Porky quickly began speaking. “Reign, you know I can’t stand a snitch, and you’ll probably think I’m just doing this to save face, but let me tell you what’s really happening.”
“Not now, Porky,” Reign snapped. “I gotta go. I’m still on assignment, even if you three don’t have anything to do but meddle.”
They were dumbfounded. They knew she could be serious, but they’d never heard Reign come down on them that hard.
Joy turned and faced Porky. “If Reign messes things up between us and Lil P, your son gonna be missing a daddy, you dumb snitch.”
“Always a threat!” Porky backed away. “Ain’t nobody scared of you.”
“You two need to take that show on the road.” Patience peered around the empty hallway. “Reign will get over it,” Patience said before she began whispering. “We need to get outta here before Blake and Johnson find out I was in the pastor’s room.”
“I thought that’s what you were up to,” Joy said proudly. “I did my part by not passing out from the bad breath of that Quasimodo Blake. I tell ya, his breath smelled worse than Felony’s; which of course, I gave him an earful about.”
Joy quickly turned to Porky. She circled him as she looked up and down the hallway. “Speaking of which, where’s Felony! What did you do with my Felony?”
“Forget all that stuff. He’s back inside the SUV, where me and Reign left him. And before you start going off again, it was you that took the keys so yes, it’s unlocked—but whoever’s dumb enough to get in won’t get out.”
“You’d better hope so. I’ll turn him loose on you.”
“Will you two ever stop? Please!” Patience pressed the elevator button.
Porky looked around the hallway, making sure they were still alone. “Are you gonna tell us what happened in that room or what?”
The elevator doors opened and the trio stepped inside. Just as it was about to close, they heard one of the undercover detectives’ voices call out, “Miss Patience, wait. Hold on!”
Once outside the rehabilitation residence, the trio walked quickly back to the RAV. Neither could speak much during that time as their chests pounded from lack of oxygen and too much anxiety.
“Lord, that was a close call,” Porky said as Joy entered the SUV and secured Felony.
“It’s okay,” Joy told them. “It’s a bit of a stink in here, but I guess much of it has evaporated. Felony didn’t mean no harm. He just didn’t like being left alone because somebody”—she stopped and eyeballed Porky—“couldn’t do what he was told to do and took matters into his unqualified hands.”
“You two keep this up and I’m gonna keep it to myself what I found out!”
“Speak then.” Joy placed the key in the ignition. “You can tell us while I drive. I gotta feeling that Blake and Johnson ain’t too thrilled about us now.”
Patience began by congratulating herself on being smart enough to get away from the detectives under the pretense of having to use the bathroom. “I was ready to start jiggling and everything if I had to do so to convince them.”
“Can you please get to it?” Joy began pushing the pedal down to get away quickly.
“Anyways,” Patience continued, “as I entered the pastor’s room, he was mumbling in his sleep. None of it made much sense until he said Deacon Whistle’s name. I figured he was just a bit upset or had forgotten that Whistle had been put in charge of things.”
“And so what happened?” Porky tapped Patience on her shoulder. “We don’t need every detail; just give us the big detail.”
“Today is Sunday, September twenty-first, right?”
“Patience, you are trying me.”
“Oh Joy, just drive the car and let me tell this. I think I know what Whistle may be up to.”
“And pray tell, Patience,” Porky hissed. “What would that be?”
“When the pastor mumbled Whistle’s name somehow I remembered that Whistle’s supposed to take a plane ride tomorrow. I know because I picked up the tickets months ago for him and some other men named Jason and Chester something, to go out of town. I can’t remember the men’s last name, but I believe it began with an L or an I. Either way, I remember because I know just about everyone in our church, and I didn’t recognize the names.”
“What’s the big deal?” Porky turned and looked through the passenger side window. “Everybody takes a trip sometimes. Maybe they’re just old buddies or something. So unless it involves the Bible that turd stole from me, I don’t care.”
