She Was Their Target, page 15
So he also shampooed his short-cropped hair and massaged his scalp as he rinsed it out. When he finished the shower and dried off, he spent a few minutes shaving and clipping his nails. Once he was finished, he looked thoroughly presentable instead of like someone who might be homeless.
He joined Kenzie in bed. She was putting some cream on her feet, and rubbed it in briskly once he came in. She leaned over to hug him and inhaled deeply, her breath tickling the soft skin around his ear and throat. “Mmm. I love the smell of your shaving cream.”
He tried not to react to her teasing and pull away, but he couldn’t help himself. His skin was all pleasurable goosebumps. The strawberry scent of her shampoo was delicious, and he pressed his face into her hair.
For the first time since Jennifer had called, Zachary wasn’t thinking about school and Kristin, not even briefly on the edge of his consciousness.
34
In a perfect world, falling asleep early and peacefully with his arms around Kenzie would mean that Zachary slept through the night without any nightmares or awakenings. But it didn’t. He slept well for the first little while, relaxed and unencumbered by any worries about his case or anything else. The investigation could wait. Thinking about Bridget could wait. Worrying about how Jennifer would feel about the results of his investigation could wait. It was night and no one could expect him to be working.
But he awoke with a start, and the first thought that entered his consciousness was that someone else was there. An intruder. He sat up and grabbed his phone, activating the flashlight mode and sweeping the light around the room, looking for a dark figure, a large shadow just waiting to be noticed. But if there was an intruder, he was not in the bedroom.
Kenzie rolled over and asked a question in sleep talk that Zachary could not make out. He knew that he was probably imagining things and shouldn’t bother her about his conviction that someone else was in the house. He was wrong. He would search the house, as usual, and would find out, as usual, that there was no one else there.
He slipped silently out of bed and walked around the house, looking for some sign that there was someone else in the house. Or that there was something out of place. Even just an explanation for what had woken him up. The tapping of a branch against the house in the wind, loud motorcycle engines outside, or neighbors having a loud argument. But everything was still. No sign of anyone else in the house or anything outside that might have woken him up.
He looked out the windows but couldn’t see any sign of life. It was too late for partiers and too early for runners and dog walkers.
Eventually, Zachary gave up on finding anything that would explain his alarm and sudden wakefulness. He sat down with his computer and the two phones and went to work, checking various forums where people were talking about Rx, shooting video about Rx, or reporting on celebrities rumored to be taking Rx.
“You been up for long?” Kenzie asked, having her first sip of coffee. She seemed relaxed, like she’d had a great night followed by a sound sleep. Zachary had enjoyed the evening, but was resigned to the fact that he would never get more than a few hours of sleep without a sleep aid, even if he were totally relaxed and at peace.
“A while,” he said, not bothering to quantify it. She probably had a pretty good idea of how long he had been up anyway. She hadn’t woken up all the way or gotten up in the night to check on him, but they’d been living in the same house for long enough for her to know that even on a good night, he was unlikely to sleep for long. Which was one of the reasons she was always urging him to take his sleeping pills.
“You have your session with Dr. Boyle today. Don’t forget.”
Zachary was confused for a moment. His sessions were on Wednesdays, and it was Saturday. Then his chest tightened as he remembered. He had set up extra sessions with Dr. B because of his continuing problems with Bridget.
“Right. It’s on my schedule,” Zachary agreed, keeping his voice casual and upbeat. No need for her to know that he was anxious about having another session or irritated by the fact that he had to. It wasn’t her fault, after all. He was the one with the problem. She was trying to help him to stay on track.
“I’ll be at the office,” Kenzie said. “May as well be out at the same time so we can be home at the same time.”
“Sure. Good plan.”
Zachary closed the lid of his computer, then closed his eyes for a few seconds to rest them. Too much time staring at the computer screen. But not as bad as sometimes, when they got so gritty and inflamed that he couldn’t blink without pain.
“Eye drops,” Kenzie advised when she saw him blinking, trying to irrigate them with his own tears. “Don’t you think it would make more sense to keep them by your computer than in the bathroom? Then they’d be there right when you need them.”
“Yeah,” Zachary agreed. “That’s a good idea.”
He went into the kitchen to help himself to a cup of coffee. “Do you want your toast yet?” Kenzie wasn’t dressed for work, but still wore the shorts and t-shirt she’d pulled on before falling asleep.
“Sure, why not? I’ll be decadent and eat breakfast in my pajamas. I don’t have to be at work early.”
He put a piece of bread in the toaster for her and opened the fridge to find a yogurt cup for himself. He caught Kenzie’s frown.
“Mixing things up this morning,” he told her lightly.
No need to tell her that he couldn’t even stand the thought of opening a granola wrapper today. Maybe he’d want one later in the morning. He put butter and marmalade on the table for Kenzie. In a few minutes, they were sitting down to eat.
“I’ve started to gather information on side effects of Rx people are reporting on social networks,” Zachary informed her.
“Already? Who have you been talking to?”
“People on these social platforms are all around the world, so even if it’s late at night for most of the patients in the United States, they’re awake on the other side of the world.”
“They have that much reach? I guess I didn’t think about them being in other parts of the world. Everyone talks about the obesity epidemic in America, not the rest of the world, so I didn’t think about it being distributed that widely.”
“It might not be as popular in other countries, but it seems to be prescribed all over the place. And there are a lot of celebs or ex-pats in other countries too. People with the kind of money you need to make to afford Rx.”
“Celebrities.” Kenzie sounded depressed at the idea. “Of course everyone has to jump on the bandwagon. And the more celebrities who take it, the more everyone else—kids especially—will want to take it.”
“Yeah. And so far, the celebs are all saying it’s the best thing since sliced bread. But there are a few people who complain about side effects.”
“Anything concerning?”
“Hard to say yet. The headaches and digestive problems that I expected. Some complaints about brain fog, memory, depression. One woman complaining about chest pain. A man who had a stroke. Too early to tell whether they are related or not.”
“Well, keep track of what you find. People will probably report unrelated symptoms. Just like the placebo effect, you have the nocebo effect. People having negative symptoms because they expect to.”
Zachary didn’t know that was a thing. But it made sense. If he took a new med and developed a symptom he hadn’t had before, he assumed it was from the medication. Even though it might be something he had eaten or been in contact with, or just a coincidence. That was one of the reasons that they did drug trials. To see which symptoms were common and, therefore, attributable to the drug.
“Okay. I’ll wait until something shows up repeatedly before assuming that it’s actually related.”
Kenzie nodded. “I really hope that Rx is not causing any serious problems. We need an effective weight loss solution in today’s society.”
Her hand strayed to her waistband, but it appeared to be an unconscious gesture. Zachary did not jump in and tell her she didn’t need to worry about her weight. He couldn’t claim to know women’s minds well, but he was pretty sure that telling a woman unbidden that she didn’t need to lose weight was tantamount to telling her that she did. Noticing her weight would be enough to upset her. Even if he weren’t noticing her weight, but just her own concern with her weight.
“How is your day going to go today?” he asked, changing the subject. “Not too much you have to get done at the office, I hope?”
“No, things have been pretty quiet. Just tidying up a little. Making sure all of my ducks are in a row. Just a couple of hours.”
35
It was an effort to go to Dr. Boyle’s office on a Saturday. Zachary was used to going every Wednesday during his regular time slot and, other than the days that he lost track of time, his brain was ready for it. But going on a different day for an additional session was much harder. He wanted to have the day to work on his investigations, spend time with Kenzie, and do whatever else he wanted.
Not only that, but Dr. B hadn’t been able to fit him into an afternoon slot, so he had to go in the morning. And he was really not ready to do therapy in the morning. It felt like a punishment. Like having to go to school on a Saturday to paint the fences or pick up garbage. And maybe it was his punishment for giving in to his compulsions and writing to Bridget. It was fitting that he should have to do some kind of retribution.
“How are you today?” Dr. B asked pleasantly. “Are you enjoying your weekend?”
Zachary looked around him at the office. “Well… no. Not yet. This isn’t exactly where I wanted to be. No offense.”
She laughed. “None taken.”
Did she resent having to be there on a Saturday to deal with him and whoever else she’d had to schedule for the weekend? She must want the time off too. She had a picture of a little girl on her desk that Zachary assumed was her daughter. She must want to be home to play with her daughter when it wasn’t a school day.
“Sorry about this,” he apologized. “I didn’t think about how much of your time this takes.”
“Don’t worry about it. We’ll get you through this, and you can go back to the regular schedule. But for now, let’s focus on getting back the ground you’ve lost.”
“I haven’t been back there since I saw you last.” He swallowed and licked his dry lips. “I’ve been busy with an investigation and have stayed focused on that. At least for a few days.”
“And I hope you can maintain that focus so that the compulsions will fade. It’s perfectly understandable that you’ve regressed on this. What happened to Bridget’s twins was awful. But she is okay, and so are they, and you don’t have to be the one to protect them. They have a protector in their lives. And the police and whatever other community and law enforcement resources they need. They will be safe.”
“I hope so,” Zachary agreed. Life was easier when he hadn’t been over there. He could act like he was stronger than he was. How long would he be able to hold out this time? A few more days? Weeks? Months? Until when? Until he heard that one of the little girls had fallen and scraped her knee? And then he would be back at their sides, making sure nothing else could harm them?
“How have you done on the other goals that you made?” Dr. B asked, looking down at the file on the desk in front of her. “Did you get to your OCDA group?”
“Oh… no, not yet.”
“It was Thursday night, I believe.”
“Yeah, I think it was… I forgot about it. I’ve been very busy with this case.”
“Busy-ness is good when it keeps you from falling back on your compulsions. But it won’t last. You need to be working with your community, developing relationships with people who understand and can give you support and suggestions in your journey. You can’t do this by yourself.”
“Well… I have you and Kenzie.”
“That’s not a wide enough network. You need more.”
“Okay. Yeah. I promised I would go, and I will. Getting used to a new schedule will take me a while.”
“Have you put it on your phone calendar?”
“No.” Zachary pulled his phone out of his pocket and entered the OCDA meeting into his phone as a repeating appointment while she watched. “There. Now it is.”
“Good. You’ve been taking the higher doses of meds that we ordered? Got all of your prescriptions updated?”
“Yes.”
“How is that working?”
“Okay. I’m not sure how much of a difference there is, but it’s only been a few days. It will take time.”
“Any increase in side effects? New symptoms?”
“Yes… an increase. But nothing new.”
“Anything that I need to know about?” Dr. B met his eyes and waited.
“No. I can manage it.”
“Good. And you have been taking your sleep aid and other meds every day?”
Zachary shifted uncomfortably. He had forgotten that he had promised to take the sleep aid every night. That he had promised to take everything every day. Usually, he only took the ADHD meds if he had a lot of reading to do or needed to be able to focus on something boring for some other reason. And he only took the anxiety meds if he was extra stressed and needed them. Kenzie didn’t like him picking and choosing which he needed daily, but Dr. B and the rest of his medical team said that he was the best judge of what he needed. Kenzie didn’t have to take a whole raft of meds every day. She didn’t know what it was like.
“Zachary?” Dr. B prompted.
“No. I haven’t been taking them every day.”
“I thought that was part of your agreement with Kenzie. What you had resolved to do to work on the situation with Bridget.”
“Yes… it was. But I forgot about that. I just went back to normal. With the increased meds, I mean, but just taking the sleep aid if I need it.”
“And you haven’t needed it?”
“No.”
“You’ve gotten a full eight hours of sleep every night?”
Zachary nearly laughed at that. Even taking the sleep aid, he couldn’t manage eight hours. Sometimes seven, but that always made him feel groggy and depressed. More likely, the sleep aid would give him five or six hours. Unless he was so overwhelmed by stress and flashbacks that he couldn’t do anything but crawl into bed and sleep the day away. And he didn’t want to go back into that dark hole.
“Not eight hours. But… enough.”
“You’re looking pretty good, but you still have shadows under your eyes, which tells me that your ‘good enough’ is probably not good enough for your body’s needs.”
“I try. I do the best I can.”
“I know that. But you made promises to Kenzie.” She looked at her file notes. “Your next couple’s session is Wednesday. I think then we’d better talk about what is reasonable and what you can follow through on. Unless you want to renegotiate it with her before that.”
“Uh… no.”
Not if he could help it.
One thing he could say for couple’s therapy was that Dr. Boyle was a good mediator and had helped guide them through several sticky situations that would probably have ended up in a blow-up and hurt feelings if they had tried to discuss them at home.
“Okay. That will be our focus on Wednesday, then. Are you going to take sleep aids every night until then? All of your pills?”
He knew the answer she was waiting for was yes, but he wasn’t sure he could give it. He could try to take the sleep aids until then, but he didn’t want to waste so much time sleeping, especially when he was on an active investigation.
“I’ll… try to take one tonight.”
“Okay, tonight. I would like to hear from you Monday morning. Let me know how you are doing with that. Just a phone call. You can leave me a message if I’m in a session.”
Zachary nodded. “Sure.”
“Are you going to remember that?”
Zachary dutifully added it to his calendar.
“Good. We want to stay on top of this, Zachary. I know that you don’t want to be controlled by your impulses any more than any of us want you to be in trouble or distress. Use your support network. And that includes going to meetings.”
“I won’t forget the next one. It’s on my calendar.”
36
One of the problems with going to see Dr. B, especially for an extra session that made him feel like a failure in life and disrupted his usual daily and weekly flow, was that he spent so much time thinking and talking about strategies to resist the compulsion to see Bridget that he was focused on Bridget when he left. And that was not a good situation. He was emotionally exhausted early in the day. He had been thinking about Bridget, about the possibility of driving by her house, leaving her a note, or crossing paths with her somewhere else in town. No one could blame him for an accidental encounter.
So the urge to see her was high.
He sat in the car and pulled out his phone. He brought up the built-in friend tracking app and touched the screen, zeroing in on one of the triangles. Not Bridget, but Kenzie. They had both agreed that using the tracking app was okay. Zachary could reassure himself that Kenzie was safe and, if she were out running errands, estimate how long it would be until she was home. She could see where he was so that if he were on an investigation and got into trouble, someone would know where to find him. And if she got home and he wasn’t there, she could check whether he was on surveillance, running an errand, or sitting in front of Bridget’s house. It was a way for him to be accountable to her.
