The Contorted Figure : Poached Parody, page 1
THE CONTORTED FIGURE
A kidnapping case leads Kaiser Wrench into a fourteen-year-old mystery and the sights of the most diabolical killer the clawed private eye has ever faced.
The Contorted Figure
A Poached Parody
P.C. HATTER
Also known as Stacy Bender
Byrnas Books
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, places, and events portrayed in this book are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
The Contorted Figure
Copyright © 2020 by Stacy Bender
All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission.
Cover design by Elizabeth Mackey
Art by Sara “Caribou” Miles
CHAPTER 1
The mutt’s face was a mess, and it wasn’t just the blood. His eyes were swollen shut, and he’d probably lost a tooth or two. Lohman smiled at his work. The Red River Hog stank of sweat and acted more like a feral pig during the whole charade of pummeling the poor male underneath the single light of the interrogation room.
“Get him cleaned up,” ordered Lohman.
Two cops, both hounds, came out of the darkness and grabbed hold of the unresponsive mutt.
How I wanted to shred every one of those crummy bastards in the room with my bare claws. They weren’t cops. They were thugs. The show was for my benefit. The goons made me watch them pound on a male who had nothing to say just to prove a point that they were the authority in town. This farce was a warning not to withhold information or make a mistake.
Too bad they didn’t know who they were dealing with. I must have unconsciously made some sort of noise, because Lohman turned on me. “What did you say?”
“Just thinking.”
“A dumb tiger like you, thinking?”
“Yeah, like how nice you’d look on a spit if you pulled that crap on me.”
The two hounds dragging the mutt, stopped and looked back at me in horror as did the anteater that was cleaning off the bloody chair the poor male had been sitting on. No one stood up to Lohman. Not only was the hog mean, but he was crude, hard, dirty, and without fear. He wasn’t used to dealing with people with those same traits.
Lohman let out a breath and reached for me. The hog never managed to grab my shirt front because I was ready for him. I stood up from the chair they had me sit in and was in his face with fangs bared. The big hog wasn’t used to having to look eye level at a person. He was too used to looking down at everyone.
“What are you going to do?” he said.
“Try and see.”
His shoulder moved back, telegraphing his move, so I buried my knee in his groin. When he doubled over, he smashed his face on my fist and lost a tooth on the way to the floor.
One of the hounds let go of the mutt and reached for his gun.
I let loose a growl. “Try it fool, and you’ll find out what a .45 tastes like.”
The dog’s hand fell away from his gun. None of them tried to stop me as I left the room.
Once upstairs, the desk sergeant with his nose two inches from some paperwork noticed me. The weasel had inched toward the underside of his desk but stopped when he realized I could get to my gun faster than he could his.
The desk sergeant tried keeping his composure by demanding, “Lohman release you?”
I gave him a nice view of my fangs. “Lohman is downstairs upchucking his lunch, and you’ll be doing the same if any of you pull the same crap with me. I don’t need to see legalized torture or his show of how tough he is. I came to Yarrow legally for a client. I can’t be intimidated by a hog who got tossed off the New York City police force and bought his way onto the force of this backwards little town.”
Leaning further into the weasel’s personal space, I continued. “You’ve got one hour to release Danny Meadows and have him back to his home. If not, the State’s Attorney is going to get an earful, and he can deal with this mess. Whether he gets here before or after I come back to rearrange your face will depend on how big a hurry he’s in. Understand?”
The cop was cowering behind his desk as I turned, stormed out of the building, and got into my car.
Danny Meadows was a good dog who got a bad rap and was trying to go straight. The mutt didn’t deserve to get dragged into a police station and beaten just because he had a record. If Nicholai Zelikow’s genius kit hadn’t gotten snatched, I probably wouldn’t have heard from Meadows.
The rain spat down on the windshield as I turned off the road and onto the drive which would take me up to the house. With all the lights on, the place was a beacon under a dark sky. A product of wealth and engineering, the place was huge but still hidden behind wrought-iron gates. How someone managed to get in and snatched the kit remained to be seen. I wasn’t surprised someone gave it a go with the money his father had, and that wasn’t counting the fourteen years of experiments tied up in the little brainiac.
The Rockhopper penguin who answered the door was nice enough to let me come in out of the rain.
I handed him my card. “The name’s Kaiser Wrench, and I’d like to see your boss. It’s about his kit.”
The Rockhopper’s face shifted from ridged and stuffy, to wide eyed fear. The bird probably thought I was the kidnapper come to collect his dough in person. He hurried down the hall toward the living room, and I followed.
The colony of white rabbits looked like they were ready to take up hatchets and go on a rampage when I walked through the door. The aroma of hate was so thick, a person could choke on it.
Nicholai Zelikow huddled in his chair before the unlit fireplace with a blank stare plastered on his face. The rabbit took my card but didn’t bother to read it as the penguin said, “A Mr. Wrench, sir.” When the rabbit didn’t say anything, he added, “It’s about Master Norman, sir.”
The announcement caused Zelikow to snap out of his daze and jump to his feet. “Do you have him?”
Two male rabbits, both with black ears and spots on their faces, abandoned their highballs and came at me. One toothy glare had them stopping in their tracks just short of swinging distance.
I turned back to Nicholai Zelikow. “No. Why don’t you read the card before you start throwing accusations?”
Zelikow looked down and read the card. “Kaiser Wrench, Private investigator.” His face grew pinched in anger as he crushed the card. The penguin disappeared from the room as the rabbit glared at me. “How did you find out? It’s none of the police’s concern. This is a private matter.”
I took an immediate dislike to the rabbit. Wealthy, important, and brilliant scientist he might be, but his arrogance wrapped about him with an almost visible effect.
I took my time lighting a cigarette and blew the smoke toward him. “I’m not the police, but if you want to shut me out, I’ve no problem informing the newspapers. They’ll have a field day.”
“Who are you working for?”
“Your chauffeur. Remember him? He’s the mutt you fingered for the kidnapper on account he’s had trouble in the past. I’d like to know why you let those thugs this town calls cops beat the stuffing out of him if you wanted to keep your family drama under wraps.”
“Mr. Wrench…”
Before he could finish what he was saying, a white and black fur ball was pounding on my face. “How dare you talk to my uncle that way.”
Without hesitation, my fist slammed so hard into the rabbit’s face he flew across the room. To the rest of the colony I said, “Next time someone tries something like that, I’ll have my claws out.”
Zelikow regained his depressed appearance, but I still didn’t like him. The rest of the family kept their distance as I sat in the chair opposite him. The rabbit didn’t need prompting.
“Norman wasn’t in bed this morning. We scoured the grounds for him, but he was gone. When I recalled I had an ex-convict in my employ, I must have lost my head. I called the local police, and they took Meadows away. I’ve since regretted my actions.”
As much as I wanted to ask him if that was before or after I arrived, I asked a different question. “What’s it costing to keep a lid on everything?”
The rabbit gave me a blank stare. “Nothing, but I did offer the police a reward if they found Norman.”
The willpower it took to keep my claws sheathed could have moved mountains. “For all your brains, Doc, you’ve got the common sense of a flea. Those thugs aren’t cops, and it’s a good bet they’ll stay mum because of your dough. They’ll want it all for themselves.”
The rabbit opened his mouth to talk, but I wouldn’t let him.
“Tossing Danny to that lot was more likely to get the mutt killed. Aside from being stupid, do you really think with his record he’d stick his neck out for something like this? The mutt would be top suspect for any crime in the area for one. When you consider Lohman’s reputation, that hog is more likely to be in league with the kidnappers. Hell, nobody with half a brain would blink if he was responsible for the whole deal.”
Zelikow buried his face in his hands. “What can I do? Something must be done, but what, Mr. Wrench?”
“Danny Meadows is my client and friend, Mr. Zelikow, not you. I’d like to see you give him his job back, or I’ll call the papers.”
“Yes, of course. But as you say, you’re a private investigator. Perhaps you could find Norman.”
“Perhaps.” I didn’t like the rabbit, but somehow relieving him of some of his money sounded like a good idea. Plus, it gave me the opportunity to keep Danny out of the hands of the local thugs. “How much did you offer Lohman?”
“Ten thousand.”
Not wanting to let on how surprised I was at such a large amount, I said, “Fine, ten thousand dollars it is. Plus expenses, of course.”
Relief flooded the rabbits face. “I suppose you’d like to see Norman’s room?”
“No. I leave fingerprints to the technical hounds. I deal with motives and people. The motive here is probably money.” I perched on the edge of my seat and leaned my elbow on my knee. “Start from the beginning. When did you discover him missing?”
“Yesterday at eight in the morning. Mrs. Clement, Norman’s governess, went into his room and found him missing. When she couldn’t find him in the house, she informed me, and we raised the entire house to find him.”
“I noticed you’ve got a gatekeeper when I came up the drive. Did he hear anything?”
Zelikow shook his head. “No.”
“So, you called the police. Are you sure Norman was kidnapped?”
“How could he not?”
“Mr. Zelikow, from all I’ve heard of your son, he’s such a genius he makes that opossum, Einstein, look like a joey playing with mud pies. From what I understand, geniuses can be high strung.”
That got the bunnies back up. “If you’re implying Norman is mentally unstable, you’re much mistaken. While Norman is a sensitive kit, he is in excellent health. I should know. I’m not only his father and scientist, but I’m also a doctor.”
With an ego the size of a blimp, Zelikow should have changed his name to Zeppelin.
“Okay, describe your son to me, Mr. Zelikow.”
“He’s fourteen, pure white, not even a spot. Other than that, his appearance is that of any other young kit his age. Here’s a picture.”
The rabbit handed me a snapshot from the table next to him.
“If you don’t mind, I’ll keep this for now. Who’s all in the house? That includes servants and anyone who’s been in the house recently.”
“Besides myself, there’s Mrs. Clement, Norman’s governess, Mr. Meadows, the chauffeur, a pair each of cooks and maids, and the butler George. Mrs. Shore works as my lab assistant, but she lives in town. Since I’ve stopped teaching at the university, I don’t see too many friends, and have no enemies. I don’t think anyone other than tradesmen have come through the gates in the last weeks. As for family, they are already here.”
Zelikow waved his hand at the glaring rabbits around the room.
“You’re very rich, Mr. Zelikow,” I said and smiled back at them.
“But in good health,” said Zelikow.
“Too bad for them.”
The rabbit ignored my comment, but the family sulked all the more. “All the servants sleep in the north wing except for Mrs. Clement. The fox has the room next to Norman’s upstairs while I have a bedroom which connects to the study down here.”
He puffed out his chest and explained, “Due to the nature of my work, there is no one else. Some may call him a genius. My son is everything to me, and I will make certain that he uses his mind to its full capacity. Of course, my methods are a closely guarded secret that only Mrs. Shore has knowledge of, but I trust her completely. Ever since the death of my wife, we’ve both been devoted to Norman.”
Zelikow looked at me as if I was going to refute something, so I said, “Seeing as you could easily have every cop in the state after a kidnapper, I’d say they think they know what they’re doing. If you call the state cops, they might cut their losses and kill the kit. If you sit tight and wait for them to send a ransom, I can get a lead on them. But we won’t know for sure if this is a kidnapping until we get a ransom note.”
Before the rabbit could respond the butler came in along with a bombshell of a red fox. Between the two, they supported a bloodied mutt. “Sir, we found Mr. Meadows outside in the drive.”
While Zelikow fussed and hopped from one foot to another, I grabbed Danny and set him in the nearest chair. The penguin shot off and returned with a basin of water and towels. Once we got the blood washed away, we could see the swelling of the dog’s face better.
Only Danny’s face wasn’t what I had my eye on. Mrs. Clement and I went way back, but when I knew her, the name was Candy Weaver.
CHAPTER 2
As far as I was concerned, Candy Weaver should have been a Hollywood star the way she held her deadpan expression. While it was possible, she didn’t remember me or a certain New Year’s Eve party, she didn’t totally ignore me.
Danny came to with a groan, and Zelikow told him to hold still while he examined him. When the mutt spotted me, he said, “Kaiser, what happened?”
“Lohman and his dogs beat you, so your face is a bit of a mess.”
“Wish I was bigger, like you.”
“Don’t worry, Danny. I made that hog think twice. You just get better, okay.”
“What if they come back? I can’t take that again. I’d say anything.”
As the panic in the dog’s voice rose, I put my hand on his shoulder to reassure him. “Stop worrying, Danny. I’ll be sticking around for a while. Your boss has hired me to find the kit.”
Zelikow interrupted and said, “He needs his rest. I’ve given him a sedative, but do you think you could carry Mr. Meadows to his room?”
“Sure, doc, and if you don’t mind, I’d like to have a look around the house and talk to the servants.”
“Certainly.” I picked up Danny who was already dozing off and followed Mrs. Clement. The fox led me through the house. The trek seemed endless as we walked through a fully stocked library, a study, and a packed trophy room before reaching the kitchen. Danny’s room looked more like a closet tucked away where it was in a recess behind the pantry.
I set him down, and Mrs. Clement tucked a sheet around him.
“Hello, Candy.”
“Hello yourself, Kaiser.”
“So, what’s with the alias?”
“It’s not an alias. Celia Clement is my real name. Candy Weaver was my stage name.”
“Mind if I ask how you ended up here as a nanny? And does the old rabbit know about your past? I’d hate to make a slip.”
“You’d better not make a slip, or I’ll lose this job. As for your first question, I decided to stop shaking my tail for money when I realized I was on a treadmill and going nowhere fast. Since I used to be a nurse before I became a stripper, I registered at an agency and got the job here. That was two years ago. Do you want to know anything else?”
“You have to admit it was a surprise seeing you.” I glanced down at Danny’s sleeping form. “Is there a place we can talk?”
“I’m not in the business anymore.”
“And I’m on a case. Seriously, Candy, I need the low down on this place.”
“Fine, let’s go to my room, but no funny business.”
“Roger that.”
This time she took me into the outer foyer. We walked up a set of stairs and hung a left. Once inside her room, I sat down in a comfortable chair as she turned on the light. The cigarette she offered me came in a gold box.
“Nice place.”
“Thanks, Mr. Zelikow pays well, and he sees to all my comforts.”
“And the kit? What’s he like? I can’t see why a fourteen-year-old would need a nanny or a nurse.”
The hardness disappeared from Candy’s face as she spoke. “Norman’s a sweet and charming kit. You’d like him. Sometimes he seems like such a young thing, and other times he seems far past my years. I guess it’s because of his father’s strict regimen. I’m more companion and general picker upper.”
The fox looked at me in concern and shivered. “Do you really think he’s been kidnapped? I mean, I was right next door and didn’t hear a thing.”
“You tell me. Zelikow nearly bit my head off when I suggested otherwise. From what I understand, the kit’s mind pulls him right out of a normal classroom.”
“True, but I can’t see him running away. Norman’s such a happy kit. He likes and gets along with everyone. He never complains, and if there’s something he’s curious about, his father gives it to him.”
