Jackson (Mercy Ring Book 1), page 20
Slowly, he untangled his fingers, and River left the kitchen, her back rigid. There was the light thud of the bedroom door closing, then silence, bar the ringing phone.
Tugging the phone from his pocket, he wasn’t surprised to see it was Declan. “Hey.”
“Hey, brother. Just wanted to check on how you’re both doing?”
“Been better. A round in the ring wouldn’t be terrible right about now.” He had enough pent-up energy that he could probably go ten rounds.
“Meet there tomorrow morning?”
“Depends how River’s doing. I’ll let you know.”
“You got it, brother.” There was a small pause. “Is she okay?”
Jackson’s gaze flicked to her bedroom door again. “The second she saw them, she thought that was it. The moment everyone revealed Ryker was still alive.”
She hadn’t said the words out loud, but he knew.
Declan cursed softly down the line. “I wish she was right, that Todd had confirmed it was all a cover.”
“Me too. I’m going to check on her. Talk tomorrow.”
“Night.”
He’d barely hung up when the bedroom door opened again, and River walked out. She wore a jacket over the T-shirt she’d had on all day, as if she was going out.
He was across the room in seconds, stepping between her and the door. “What are you doing?”
For the first time since Todd had left, she looked up and met his gaze. Her jaw was set, eyes steely. She was determined. But she was also desperate. The two emotions battled on her face.
“Ryker’s alive—and I’m sick and tired of people telling me he isn’t. I’m going to find him.”
She tried to move around him, but he stepped to the side, blocking her way. “Where?”
“I don’t know. I just need to go somewhere. Do something. I can’t sit here another night not knowing where he is.”
The woman clearly wasn’t thinking straight. Emotions were clouding her judgment. She was a step away from teetering off the edge of devastation, and she was trying to save herself by hanging onto this belief of Ryker being alive.
“You’re not going anywhere, River.”
“Get out of my way.”
She stepped the other way, but he mimicked the movement again. He reached out and took her shoulders in his grasp. “River, Ryker is gone. It’s gut-wrenching and soul-destroying, but it’s true. And it’s something you need to accept.”
She took a step back, wrenching herself from his grasp. There was a wild look in her eyes now. “People need to stop saying that! I would feel it if my brother was dead, and he’s not!”
She reached beside him for her car keys, but he snapped them up before she could touch them.
Her eyes narrowed and she held out her hand. “Give them to me.”
“I can’t do that, Rae.”
For a moment, she stood there panting, anger reddening her cheeks. “Fine, I’ll walk.”
She tried to step around him yet again, but this time he swung her over his shoulder and walked back to the bedroom.
River kicked and writhed, pounding on his back. “Let me go! I need to find him!”
Jackson dropped her onto the mattress as gently as he could. She was on her feet in seconds.
“River, you can fight me all night, but I’ll just keep bringing you back here. There’s not a chance in hell I’m letting you leave this house. Not tonight. And not on your own until the arrests have been made.”
Her chest heaved up and down. This was it. All the emotion she hadn’t displayed at the funeral was about to unleash. She was going to shatter. And he couldn’t save her.
He took a small step closer, his hands going to her arms and his voice softening. “You’re not thinking clearly right now. And I’m sorry. So damn sorry that I can’t take away your pain and grief. But I also can’t let you put yourself in danger.”
She shoved at his chest, but he didn’t move.
“River—”
“Get out! Get the hell out of my bedroom! Now.”
He shot a quick look to the windows, knowing they were sealed and alarmed. If she tried to open them, he’d be notified.
Christ, he hated this. All he wanted to do was pull her close and let her lean on him. Find some sort of comfort in him.
Instead, he took a slow step back, hands dropping. Then he turned and left the room, each step feeling heavier than the last.
The second the door closed behind Jackson, the pain in her chest rippled and expanded. A part of her wanted to call him back, but another part didn’t. Couldn’t. It was this strange in-between of needing to be alone but also wanting Jackson’s comfort and strength and warmth.
Turning, she walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.
Her skin was like ice, her hands trembling as they grabbed the edge of the counter. She couldn’t breathe. It was like someone had a hand around her throat, squeezing and suffocating her.
Dead. Ryker was dead.
That’s what Jackson had been telling her all along. What her parents had been telling her. And now, damn Homeland Security was telling her.
The second they’d revealed who they were today, hope had erupted in her chest. A hope that she’d so desperately needed. Hope that this was it. The moment her brother was proven to be alive. She’d almost expected him to walk into the room and reveal himself.
She looked up at her reflection, but the shape blurred from her tears.
Had he really just been in her head? The outline of him in his bedroom? The shadowy shape of him saving her outside the boxing gym? Had she wanted to see him so badly that she’d made it all up?
Her breath cut off in her throat and nausea rose in her stomach.
Dead. The word was on repeat in her head, cutting into her chest, her heart, like a dagger. She pressed a hand there, not entirely sure whether she was trying to dull the ache or hold herself together.
He didn’t feel gone. He felt seconds from walking back into this house. Talking to her. Arguing about something petty and stupid that they’d both laugh about later.
Her feet itched to leave. To get out. Every part of her vibrated with the need to be out there looking for him.
But she couldn’t get out. Jackson was both her protector and her captor.
Tugging her phone from her pocket, she lowered to the edge of the bathtub and, with shaking fingers, typed a text to Michele.
River: I can’t stand the thought of him being gone, Chele. It hurts too bad.
The second she hit send, her eyes shuttered. Waiting. Needing Michele to tell her she believed he was alive.
The phone vibrated in her hands.
Michele: Oh, honey, I’m sorry. I know it hurts today, but I swear to you, every day it will hurt a little less, until the ache in your chest just becomes something you learn to live with.
Tears flooded River’s eyes. It wasn’t the message she’d been hoping for, but then, she knew it wouldn’t be. Knew that no one on this earth believed he was alive except her.
Because he was gone, wasn’t he?
Really gone.
Slowly, she slid down the side of the tub to the cold tiled floor. Tears flooded her eyes and her chest cracked wide open as she slowly let the ugly reality that everyone had been pushing on her sink in.
She was never going to see, speak to, or touch Ryker again.
The phone slipped from her fingers, and she tucked her head into her knees. Then she let the tears wash down her cheeks without hesitation. She let the pain in her chest flutter and swell and cripple her.
River cried for the brother she thought she’d never lose in her lifetime. The brother she’d never had a chance to say goodbye. The brother she loved like a best friend.
The tears didn’t stop. They soaked her cheeks, trickling down her arms.
“Rae, honey…can I come in?”
She barely heard Jackson’s words. Maybe it was because her pain was so loud. Or maybe it was because her body, her chest, her heart…it was all being torn in two. Shredded. And that was all she could focus on. All she could hear and see.
She was vaguely aware of the jiggling of the doorknob. A minute passed. Then another. Each one had the tears falling faster. She didn’t remember locking the door, but maybe she had.
A second later, it opened, and Jackson was in front of her, hand going to the back of her head. “Baby…”
“I don’t know how to live without him in this world.” The words squeezed from her chest.
They’d been separated a lot, but she’d always known he was alive. That he existed in the world and the time would come when she’d see him again.
Jackson shifted beside her, immediately sliding an arm behind her back and another under her knees before lifting her onto his lap.
This time, she didn’t push the man away. She couldn’t. She leaned into his warmth and ducked her head into his neck. He felt like a lifeline. The only thing keeping her from breaking apart completely.
With trembling fingers, she grabbed onto his shirt, wanting him to be closer even while knowing this was it. This was all he could give.
His hand began to move in slow, circular strokes across her back. She focused on that, praying the touch would never end. That his touch would dull the pain until eventually, she could breathe again.
CHAPTER 29
Jackson squeezed River’s hand as he drove them to the gym in her car. “How are you feeling?”
He knew she hadn’t slept well last night, and any sleep she had gotten was restless. He’d offered for them to stay home today—hell, they’d stay home for as long as she needed if it helped her heal.
River said no. She wanted to be out of the house and focusing on something other than Ryker.
“Still confused.”
Jackson frowned. He’d been expecting her to name a million different emotions, but confusion wasn’t one of them. “Confused?”
There was a brief pause. “I just…I keep replaying those moments I saw him in my head. In his darkened bedroom the night he…died. Outside the boxing club when that guy attacked me.”
Jackson’s muscles tensed at the reminder.
She shook her head. “I was just so sure it was him. And even now, I just…I remember those moments, and it’s still him, every time.”
He swiped her thigh with his thumb. “Sometimes our mind tricks us into seeing what we want to see to protect us from the truth.”
They still didn’t know for sure who had stopped her attacker outside the gym. But they did know it wasn’t Ryker.
Her voice lowered. “Yeah. My mind must be really good at that.”
Jackson shot a quick glance toward her then looked back to the road. “On our last mission, after we were attacked and had to find our way back to the US military base, we weren’t in good shape. We were all injured and tired. We had no food or water left. The trip was slower than it should have been because we were trying to remain out of sight.”
Another swipe of her thigh. “There were moments I thought we wouldn’t make it, not while carrying Dec and Cole. My body was screaming at me to stop. Convincing me there was no end in sight. That’s when I forced my mind to go black. The mind is powerful, and I knew how easy it would be for my mind to convince me I was done.”
Her hand went to the top of his, and she started running a finger along his veins. That simple touch had his skin burning.
“I wish Ryker had spoken to me about that mission.”
“Ryker was never a talker when it came to pain. He’d internalize that stuff. Some people get loud when life gets hard. Others turn inward.”
She gave a small nod. “You’re right. He internalized it until he found the club. Then he used that ring as a way to release it all. The anger. The helplessness. The guilt. Is the ring a release like that for you too?”
“Yes. It’s an outlet. A relatively safe place to let everything out. It also allows you to switch off from the outside world.” He lifted a shoulder. “The hit of endorphins isn’t terrible, either.”
She nodded almost absently. Her finger started tracing the veins up his arm. “I hope the arrests go to plan. I hope they get locked away for the rest of their lives.”
He gave her leg another squeeze. “I’m sure they have it covered.”
He parked outside the gym, moved around to her side, and held her door open as she got out. Then he took her hand, almost unable not to touch her.
Declan and Cole were already inside the ring. Declan’s fist flew at Cole but he dodged it, stepping aside quickly. Cole was more of a defensive fighter, whereas Declan was a dominant aggressor. They were both dangerous. One just as lethal as the other.
The next punch was thrown by Cole. Declan ducked to avoid the hit, then almost immediately grabbed Cole around the middle, sending them both to the floor.
The two big men grappled for a few minutes. It wasn’t until Declan jumped to his feet and stepped back that they both stopped.
Cole shook his head, and rose to his feet slowly. “I could have had you.”
Declan scoffed. “Sure.”
Cole ducked below the rope, grabbed his towel, and glanced at Jackson and River. “Morning, guys.”
Jackson dipped his head. “Morning. Been here long?”
Declan scoffed. “Long enough for me to beat his ass more than once.”
Cole shook his head. “You wish.”
Jackson tugged his shirt over his head, meeting Declan’s gaze. “My turn.”
At the touch of River’s hand on his arm, he turned. “I might pop out and grab some coffees.”
“I’ll go with you,” Cole said, grabbing his shirt and tugging it over his head.
“Double shot for me,” Declan called from the ring.
Jackson pressed a kiss to her lips before handing her the keys. “Don’t take long.”
A small smile touched her lips. It was her first all morning, and it had a bit of the tension in his body releasing.
The second they left, Jackson stepped into the ring. “You need a break?”
Declan raised a brow. “No. You need to warm up?”
“No.”
“How are you doing?” Cole asked. “And don’t give me some bullshit answer about being fine.”
River leaned back in her seat as Cole drove to the Penguin Café. “I’m not doing fine. I feel like I need help just breathing right now. When I woke up this morning, all I wanted to do was forget.”
He nodded. “I get that. I lost my father when I was a teenager. He was my best friend. It hurt like hell.”
River frowned, studying the man. “How did you get through it?”
“I forced the breaths to flow in and out of my chest. I made myself get through each day, one at a time. And eventually, I learned to live with the pain.”
“That’s what Chele said. That one day I’d learn to live with it.”
The problem was, she didn’t want to live with the pain. She wanted to flick herself back to a few months ago. To a time when she didn’t know the torture of losing her only sibling.
“I’m sorry about your dad,” she said quietly.
Cole dipped his head. “Thank you. I was lucky to have had him for sixteen years. Others aren’t so lucky.”
Others being Jackson. Cole didn’t need to say his name for River to hear it.
When the sun glared into her eyes, she pulled the sun visor down, and immediately her attention went to her reflection in the small mirror.
Yep, just about what I expected you to look like, River. A mess.
She’d barely slept last night, and it was written all over her face. The circles under her eyes were dark. Her skin was pale.
Sick. That’s what she looked like.
Sucking in a deep breath, River was just glancing back to the road when she noticed the muscles in Cole’s arms flex. His hands tightened around the steering wheel.
“What is it?” she asked.
“That truck a few cars up…” River glanced through the windshield, spotting the truck immediately. “It’s the one from Mickey’s bar.”
River’s lips slid open. “Is it supposed to be on the road? I thought the next shipment was Friday?”
“I don’t know.” He grabbed his phone, pressing a button before putting the call on speaker.
“Agent Widow speaking.”
“This is Cole Matthews. I’m driving through Lindeman and I can see the truck Elijah’s been using up ahead.”
A pause. Then Dwight cursed. “Shit! I need you to follow it in case they’re moving early. I’ll trace your call and come to you.”
The muscles in Cole’s arms tightened further, and he shot a quick look at River.
“I’ll be okay,” she said quietly, knowing she was the one he was worried about.
Cole continued to tail the truck, always remaining at least a car behind. River quickly pulled out her phone and sent a text to Jackson.
River: Cole spotted the truck. Agent Widow asked us to follow.
She waited for Jackson’s response. Her phone just started to vibrate with an incoming call when Cole turned a corner.
The truck was right there, stopped in the middle of the road.
Cole slammed his foot on the brake and wrenched the wheel. The tires squealed as the car slid sideways.
Suddenly, the back of the truck opened, and four men jumped out, all armed.
At the sound of guns firing, Cole’s hand shot to her head, pushing her down. He cursed loudly. “They’re shooting the tires.”
He reached beneath the driver’s seat, pulling out a gun Jackson must have stored there. “It’s not safe in here.” He tugged off his seat belt then reached across for hers. “Hide behind the car. Don’t move unless I tell you to.”
River’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times before she forced her voice to work. “Okay.”
Cole reached across her body, opening the door, and pushing her out on the side facing away from the shooters. She just about fell on her ass. Would have fallen on her ass if Cole hadn’t grabbed her.
They both ducked behind the car, and she could hear footsteps.
