Gentle Hand, page 12
part #2 of Perfect Hands Series
He’d bared it all now and could only hope Raf would understand and, more importantly, would forgive him.
Raf put both his hands on Brendan’s cheeks, then pushed himself to his knees to get to equal height and brought their foreheads together. His binkie bumped against Brendan’s lips, and he smiled. Raf caressed his beard with both hands, rubbing up and down with soft gestures, and Brendan felt his emotions in each move.
“Thank you, baby boy, for your forgiveness. I never meant to push you away or hurt you.”
Raf nodded that he understood, and a weight lifted from Brendan’s heart. His smile widened, and when Raf’s pacifier rubbed against his lips again, he grabbed the ring with his teeth, making Raf hold position. Their eyes were so close he couldn’t even focus, but he felt it, the love in Raf’s gaze at him.
When he gently pulled at the ring, Raf’s mouth let go, and he giggled, a sound of joy that rushed through Brendan. He’d missed that the last two weeks, Raf’s happiness. His boy hadn’t laughed once. He dropped the pacifier and, instead, covered Raf’s mouth with his in a sweet, gentle kiss. Raf allowed him in, his passiveness signaling how much he needed Brendan to take charge, and he understood.
“I love you,” he said again, needing to say the words.
Raf’s response was a little sigh into his mouth as he plastered himself against Brendan. “Daddy, will you please diaper me?”
13
Raf wasn't sure how it was possible, but he experienced Daddy Brendan's pain physically. It stabbed him in his heart, the crestfallen expression on his face when he'd talked about his previous boy. He wanted to make him feel better, but that's not why he'd asked that question. At least, he didn't think so.
It had been on his mind constantly the last weeks. He'd even sneaked into the play room one evening when Daddy had been on the phone with client. That drawer had pulled him in like a magnet, and he'd caressed the diapers with his finger, imagining how they would look and feel on him. But with the distance he'd experienced between them, he hadn't dared ask.
Now everything had changed. Raf wasn't angry with Daddy Brendan. How could he be, when he understood all too well how events in the past could damage you, could make you doubt yourself and others? No, after Daddy had explained what happened to him, it had made total sense. Besides, Daddy had been so apologetic, so deeply sorry.
Oh, wait. Daddy had told him he loved him. Again. That required a different answer than asking to be diapered. Raf wanted to mentally slap his forehead, but instead, he grabbed Daddy's hand.
"Sorry, my brain got distracted. I love you too."
He bit his lip as he realized his declaration wasn't exactly romantic, but Daddy's face broke open in a huge smile, those soft eyes of his radiating love. "You do? Please, baby boy, don't feel pressured to say anything just because I did."
That made Raf realize he needed to say more words. It was easy for him to forget sometimes that other people couldn't follow his thoughts, which was totally understandable since he sometimes had trouble keeping up with himself.
"I know I can be super impulsive, but I've felt at home with you from the moment we met. Maybe I already felt a little in love with you, I don't know. But I do know that I am now. In love with you, you mean. The way you take care of me, the way you make me feel, I've never been more myself with anyone, with the exception of Rhys maybe. You make me sparkle and shine, and I love who I am when I'm with you."
He frowned as he listened to his own words. Did he do a good enough job explaining himself? The last thing he wanted was for Daddy Brendan to feel like he was being used again.
"I love you for who you are," he added, just to be sure. "And I love all the Daddy-little stuff that we do. I'm not doing that or saying that because I think it's what you want to hear it. I mean it, and I hope you know."
There, that was better. One look at Daddy's face confirmed he'd managed to get his feelings across because a big tear dripped down from Daddy's right eye. Even Raf had no trouble interpreting that. That was not a tear because Daddy was sad. That was a tear because Daddy was emotional, because he understood what Raf was trying to say.
"Thank you," Daddy said, and his voice was hoarse. "I love being your Daddy, and I love you, baby boy. You have no idea how happy you make me."
Raf beamed at him. "Does that mean I finally get to try a diaper?"
Daddy's emotional smile transformed into a chuckle. "Are you impatient, baby boy?"
Raf nodded, seeing no reason to deny it. "I really want to try it and share that with you."
Daddy bent into press a warm kiss on his lips. "In that case, let's go."
They climbed the stairs hand in hand, Raf walking one step in front of his Daddy. His heart beat fast, and his hands were a little clammy because he was so excited for this next step. As soon as they were in the play room, he immediately walked over to the changing table and climbed the steps to lay himself down. Then he turned his head sideways to face Daddy Brendan, who looked down on him with a proud expression.
"You're beautiful," Daddy said simply, and Raf felt the praise resonate deep inside him. "You're such a good boy for me. Thank you for trusting me."
Raf watched as Daddy unbuttoned the jeans he was wearing, then dragged them down his legs. His underwear followed, and then he was naked from the waist down. He shivered as a rush of air hit his groin, but his butt was lying on a soft flannel wrap of some kind, with thin, plastic cushioning underneath it.
"I'm going to clean you first," Daddy announced, and Raf appreciated him explaining what he would do.
Daddy's hands were calm and secure as they cleaned Raf's bottom with a wet wipe. He did his ass cheeks first, then his crack and hole. Next up were his dick and balls, and Raf let the gentle care wash over him. He wasn't hard, but it felt good on a much deeper level. This wasn't physical. It was emotional, soul care, almost. How that was possible he didn't understand, but a sense of peace fell over him as he just lay there and let Daddy take care of him.
He was watching Raf closely, Daddy Brendan, his eyes constantly checking in with him. Daddy reached in the drawer and pulled out a diaper, which he unfolded. Raf's heart skipped a beat. This was it. He couldn't wait to feel it and experience how it affected him.
Daddy lifted his butt up, signaling Raf should help him a little, which he did so Daddy could place the diaper under his butt.
"I'm gonna put some baby powder on you now, okay?"
Raf nodded again, not wanting to break the peace in his head by speaking. The baby powder smelled delicious as Daddy tapped it gently both on his front and his bottom. Daddy’s hands were soft as he rubbed it into his skin with a light touch, and that did make Raf hard. Not iron hard as in fuck me now or I'll do it myself, but a more gentle erection, one that simply communicated how good it felt. How good he felt. Again, he experienced it as much in his head and heart as in his body.
Daddy took his time rubbing the powder in, and Raf could understand why. It was special, Daddy taking care of his boy and Raf surrendering to that care. In a way, this was way more intimate than having sex.
Raf's eyes never left Daddy's face as he finally reached for the diaper to wrap it around him and close the little tabs. He pulled a finger around both of the leg openings to make sure the diaper was comfortable, then wiped off his hands on another wet wipe. When he met Raf's eyes again, the question was clear.
Raf concentrated on his butt, which was now touching the soft material of the diaper. It felt strange, of course, but not for long. More like something he wasn't used to, something his body was trying to figure out.
"Do you want to wear underpants or should Daddy dress you in your monkey onesie?" Daddy asked, and Raf realized it was his indirect way of checking if he was okay.
"The monkey onesie, Daddy. I love that one."
Daddy smiled as he helped him out of his T-shirt, then held out the onesie and put it on Raf. When he was done, Raf pulled himself up using Daddy's hands and, with little assistance, climbed down the steps again.
He took a hesitant step, feeling the diaper rub against his ass, but more importantly, against his dick. Hmm, an unusual feeling, but not an unpleasant one. He took a few more steps, then decided he liked how it felt and looked over his shoulder at Daddy to send him a big smile.
The relief on Daddy's face was unmistakable. He stepped close to Raf, tenderly cupping his cheeks and pressing a soft kiss on his forehead. "I know you had a rough day at work, baby boy. So why don't you go play for a little bit while Daddy makes dinner? Then you can tell me all about what happened."
Brendan knew he had a dopey smile on his face as he prepared the simple dinner of mashed potatoes, meatloaf, and sweet peas. As a bonus, he had some homemade applesauce, a recipe from his mother that she had perfected over the years. To him, it tasted like home, and he hoped Raf would like it as well. His boy had a bit of a sweet tooth, Brendan had discovered, and he wasn't too fond of vegetables, so Brendan often had to hide them in some kind of sauce. Hopefully, this would help Raf eat the peas as well.
During cooking, he'd checked in with Raf a few times. He was playing with his cars, enjoying the three-level garage Brendan had found at a flea market a few weeks ago. Every now and then, vroom vroom noises drifted into the kitchen, widening Brendan's smile. The last time he'd checked on Raf, the stress lines on his forehead had already smoothed out.
Brendan wasn't sure what had happened at work, but he didn't like how tired Raf still was when he came home. Surely that should have been less by now? But maybe a new environment like this was harder for Raf than for others. Something he'd have to look into.
When dinner was ready, he put it on the table, then walked to the play room to get Raf. His boy had no objections this time and happily obeyed Brendan when he told him to wash his hands for dinner. Brendan couldn't help stealing a few glances at that soft bottom, now showing the extra padding of a diaper. God, he loved seeing his sweet boy surrendering fully to his care.
Dinner was relaxed, the both of them chatting about random things. Brendan marveled how easily they moved between personas, Raf especially. He could be a little one second, then switch into something he'd experienced at work. And even more interesting was that Brendan never had trouble following him. It was so smooth, so fluid, that it felt effortless. What a difference from the last two weeks, and Brendan wanted to slap himself all over again for letting it drag on that long.
"How's Rhys doing?" he asked, knowing Raf had called him earlier that morning, since he'd texted him a reminder during his lunch break.
Raf let out a sigh. "He's okay, I think, but he really misses his dad. He's heard from his dad's lawyer about the will, and apparently, he left Rhys everything, including the house."
"Well, considering he had no siblings, that makes sense, no?"
Raf shrugged. "I guess, but I think it still came as somewhat of a surprise to Rhys. His dad was good with money, so this will change his life. He's now a homeowner, and I gotta say, that ranch his dad moved into is amazing. It's way out in the boonies, as his dad always said, but you literally wake up to the birds chirping and the deer grazing on your lawn."
"Is he gonna keep it?" Brendan asked, curious. Raf told him earlier that Rhys worked as a physical therapist in Albany, so that commute was doable but not ideal. Besides, a house like that might be a big commitment for a single guy his age.
"I think so, but I told him to talk to you if he was considering selling it," Raf said, shooting a proud smile in Brendan's direction.
"That's very sweet of you, baby boy. Thank you. If he needs anything in terms of repairs or maintenance, let him talk to me. I know a lot of guys, and there's quite a few things I could help him with as well."
Raf opened his mouth to say something, but Brendan shot him a look that he needed to chew and swallow his food first, which he did.
"He may need to make some adjustments because he's thinking of asking Cornell to move in with him after he's released from the hospital. No, not the hospital, the rehabilitation center. That's where they're sending him first, to learn how to walk and stuff. I don't know, but Rhys said he won't be able to live on his own for a while, so he wants to take him in."
Brendan finished his last bite, then put his silverware on his plate and leaned back in his chair. "That's quite the commitment. It helps he's a physical therapist, so he'll know how to help him, but still."
Raf shifted on his chair, a signal Brendan had learned to interpret by now. It meant he was impatient to say something, so Brendan waited to see what was coming.
"He likes him," Raf blurted out, looking almost guilty, so Brendan suspected this was not something he was supposed to share with people. "Rhys has liked him for years, and that hasn't changed. I think he wants Cornell to move in so he may have a shot with him. Except Cornell doesn’t know Rhys is a Dom.“
Ah, that made sense. Brendan did the quick math in his head and concluded there was at least a twenty-year age gap between Rhys and Cornell. That in itself was not an issue, as he and Raf faced the exact same difference, but the fact that the sub was so much older than the Dom was a little unusual. And the fact that he had no idea Rhys was a Dom was potentially explosive.
"Is Rhys okay with you sharing this?"
Raf looked even guiltier. “Nooooo, but he'll understand I had to tell you. You're my Daddy!"
It was hard to argue with that passionate exclamation, but Brendan sent him a stern look. "I get that, Raphael, but make sure to respect his privacy, okay?"
Raf nodded, then stuffed his mouth full with peas, topping it off with a full spoon of applesauce. Brendan suppressed a smile. At least he was eating his veggies.
After dinner, Brendan rinsed off the plates and put them in the dishwasher while Raf enjoyed his dessert, one of those kids’ yogurts with crunch and sprinkles. Brendan had banished desserts for himself years ago, knowing with his metabolism, he couldn't afford to add that much sugar to his diet every day.
When Raf finished his dessert, Brendan led them into the living room, where they found a spot on the couch. "What happened at work, baby boy?"
The worry frown was instantly back, and Brendan hated his question caused it, but on the other hand, ignoring whatever was going on wouldn't work either. And so he listened as Raf explained about forgetting things at work and about Dolores, the teacher he was working with, noticing. Just when he wanted to assure him they could find a way to help him, Raf announced there was more and told him about Fredrick.
Brendan's heart hurt for both little Fredrick and for Raf, who'd been clearly caught in an impossible situation. "What else was I supposed to do when they asked me that question?" Raf said, his voice emotional. "I didn't want to lie to them, and I'm not telling a kid they’re a mistake. I know this could get me in trouble, but I'd don't know what else I could have done."
Brendan pulled him close, settling the boy between his legs so he could lean backward against his chest. "You did good, baby boy. Like you said, under the circumstances you had no other choice."
Raf bit his lip. "What if their parents complained to the school? If Fredrick goes home and tells their parents about the conversation with me, they will be furious."
Brendan pulled his arms around Raf a little tighter. "You have such a big heart. It shows in everything, but the way you talk about them is amazing. If this lands you in hot water, at least you can tell yourself you did the right thing."
They sat quietly for a little while, and then Raf let out a big sigh. "You know how when you're a teenager you can't wait to grow up? Well, I gotta say that being an adult is not all it's cracked up to be."
Brendan couldn't help but smile at that heartfelt statement. “You can be a little for as much and as often as you want with me, baby boy. I love taking care of you and making you feel happy and safe."
Raf pushed against his arms, and Brendan let go of the gentle hold on him. His boy turned on his stomach, laying himself on top of Brendan. "I had a question, Daddy, but it's a weird question, and I don't want you to get upset with me."
The qualifier certainly got Brendan's attention. "I promise. You can ask me anything."
Raf peered at him from underneath his lashes. "Even if it's possibly inappropriate?"
Possibly inappropriate? Where the hell had his boy’s thoughts gone? "Anything," he repeated, hoping he'd be able to keep that promise.
"I really like being a little," Raf said, lowering his eyes as his hands started playing with the chest hair that peeked out from Brendan's V-neck. "It makes me feel good inside. Calm and peaceful. And I like wearing a diaper."
As if to prove it, he shifted, pushing his diapered butt backwards. Brendan couldn't resist the temptation to place one big hand on that soft bottom, squeezing Raf's ass gently through the layers.
"I'm so happy to hear that, baby boy, because I love seeing you in a diaper."
"About that…" Raf said, and Brendan's brow furrowed. Where was Raf trying to go with this?
"When I'm a little, am I really little, or is it role-play?"
That didn't clear much up for Brendan, who was trying hard to figure out what the issue was. He lifted Raf's head up with a single finger under his chin. "Of course you're not really little. It's a mindset, a role we both play, something we do because you and I both like it. But underneath, you're still an adult. But why are you asking? Baby boy, you're dancing around something you're scared to say, but I need you to be more direct because I have no idea what you're trying to ask me."
"Sex," Raf blurted out. "I'm trying to ask about sex."
And despite the fact that he only had one more clue, things clicked for Brendan. "You are trying to ask if it's okay that being a little turns you on.” His hand was still on Raf's butt, and he squeezed it a little harder. "Do you like the way that diaper rubs against you? Is it making you hard, baby boy?"
