Saving Amy, page 4
My subconscious – that irritating voice which seemed intent on ruining all traces of fun in my life – mumbled something about protection but I dismissed it immediately. I felt so powerful – nothing could hurt me now. I was living for that very moment and that was all I allowed myself to focus on.
It was over too quickly and he lowered me down. His eyes had changed. They were darker without the bright lights and suddenly I felt intimidated by them. Swiftly, he pulled up his zipper and started to walk away without so much as breathing a single word. But then he paused and looked back at me – making eye contact for the first time since I’d met him. I watched inquisitively as he reached into his pocket and removed a five-dollar bill. Then he threw it at my feet before walking off into a crowd of other men who were laughing and cheering him on.
I slid down onto the damp, stone floor. I felt empty. Worthless. Utterly humiliated.
I couldn’t feel my heart beating anymore.
I laid down on the cold concrete and made patterns in the dirt with my fingers. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything. I was numb. Frozen. Ashamed…
I rolled backwards and my head knocked into something cold and hard. Looking up, I realised it was a fire escape. It was only two stories high but I felt compelled to climb it.
It stopped alongside a heavy duty, metal door. I rested my body against the safety rail and looked out onto the city. The buildings ahead parted in front of me and I could see out onto the brightly lit streets. The colours were still there. So were the people and the lights. Everywhere was so full of life. Yet no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t seem to find the beauty.
I felt so alone. I was standing there in this massive city and nobody knew. Nobody cared. There were swarms of people below me and I meant nothing to a single one of them. I meant nothing to anybody.
Tentatively I hitched myself up onto the rail and swung my legs over the edge. I was only two stories high but the ground seemed so far away. It looked so inviting. For a fleeting moment I wondered if letting go would end it all. After all, I died inside a long time ago – maybe it was time for my body to catch up? The thought was painfully tempting. Would I feel it? Would I feel anything ever again? That would show him, my subconscious piped up and suddenly I felt powerful. This was something he couldn’t control. The idea of nothing… of darkness - no pain, no worry, no anything overwhelmed me and I let go.
I was flying into the icy breeze… into paradise.
I was free.
**********
“She also has a fractured wrist and some swelling to the brain. That is likely to be the cause of her unconsciousness. Going off her CT scan this morning it appears to be settling down and so we’re hoping she’ll come round fairly soon. Your daughter has been extremely lucky, Mr Hope,” I heard a man say in a voice I was almost certain I’d heard before.
I didn’t know where I was but I knew my father was with me. I felt a warm hand grasp mine, making me feel physically sick at the thought it might be his.
“Thank you, Doctor. I’ll call my wife and let her know. She is simply too upset to visit just now.” I thought it was safe to assume I was in a hospital and I found myself wondering if the doctor was falling for my dad’s bullshit.
The hand disappeared and I heard the sound of a door closing shortly after. I still wasn’t alone – I could hear the sound of papers rustling. Footsteps re-entered the room and I could hear a man and a woman talking incomprehensible jargon. I latched on to certain words – contusions, systolic, hypertension, thoracic… my ears gave up eventually.
I told my eyes to open but they wouldn’t. My whole body was paralysed. The feeling was overpoweringly frustrating and my subconscious was screaming at me to move so forcefully it deafened my ears. I sensed someone next to me – I could hear breathing that was out of sync with my own. Then came the sound of beeping and keys being tapped before the footsteps moved away from me, getting fainter and fainter until eventually they disappeared.
I think I was alone now. The silence was peaceful. I revelled in it, trying not to disturb it with thoughts. It was no use. I didn’t know why I was there and I had an inexplicable feeling that I was supposed to be somewhere else.
Then it hit me…
I was supposed to be free. I was supposed to fall and it was all supposed to end. If only I’d climbed higher. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be here but I was trapped in every sense of the word. I thought I was crying but I couldn’t feel the tears on my face. Then the footsteps returned, getting louder and heavier until they paused by my bed.
I could feel someone’s warm breath on my face before my eyelids were forced open and a piercing light was shone in to them one at a time. My body writhed with frustration inside. I wanted to push them away. I wanted to shout and scream and tell whoever it was to leave me the fuck alone. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything.
It wasn’t right. I wasn’t supposed to be here…
“I’m leaving now, Doctor. Please call me as soon as there’s any change,” I heard my dad say. His voice churned my stomach.
“Of course, Mr Hope,” was the doctor’s reply. I definitely knew his voice and my head ached as I frantically tried to wrack my memory. Seconds later the door slammed closed and immediately I felt my heartbeat begin to slow, knowing my dad had left the building.
“Come on, Sleeping Beauty. Time to wake up now,” the familiar voice said as he continued to make papers rustle and machines sing around me.
Pessimistically I told my eyes to open once more and my heart began to race in anticipation when I felt a flicker. I couldn’t see yet but there was definitely movement. I thrust all the energy my body held into my eyes, focusing solely on getting them open and blocking every other thought or sound from my mind. Gradually light began to flood my pupils, startling them as my eyelids peeled open at an exasperatingly slow speed.
The doctor was facing away from me. If I squinted I could see his ruffled auburn/copper hair and long white overcoat. I tried to speak to gain his attention but something was choking me and I gagged - coughing and spluttering and certain I was dying. I couldn’t breathe and it scared the hell out of me. I started to panic and the white overcoat flung round and towards me at lightning speed.
“Try and relax for me, Amelia,” he said as he pulled something long and obtrusive from my throat. I heaved and wheezed as I fought desperately to fill my lungs with air. “Amelia, I need you to focus for me. Deep breaths,” the familiar man ordered and as much as I wanted to tell him where to go I knew I needed to listen to him.
I drew in long, deep breaths – counting as I went. I’d taken six when slowly each one was becoming easier. I was calming down and my tense muscles started to relax. I regained the ability to breath without thinking and my efforts shifted to my sense of sight. The auburn/copper-haired doctor was scribbling away on a clipboard with his head down. Then his thumb clicked his pen closed and his eyes met mine.
Oh fuck…
“Nice to see you again, Miss Hope,” the patronising bastard said to me. It was him. The dodgy guy whose swanky, over-the-top apartment I woke up in after the nightmare that was Romy’s party.
“You’re a doctor?” I mumbled but suspected I was barely audible under the sound of my rasping breath. He moved to sit beside me on the bed and I felt deeply ashamed that this was the second time I’d woken up in such a desperate mess in front of this hot as hell stranger.
What must he think of me?
“Last time I checked. You’ve been very lucky, Miss Hope.” I smirked inwardly at the irony of my name. Hope – something I’d never been fortunate enough to experience.
“Please, call me Amy,” I interjected, noticing how well his baby-blue shirt and silver tie went together under his coat. My eyes landed on a navy-blue lanyard around his neck with an official I.D. badge attached showing his name – Dr. Richard Lewis – and a passport style photo that didn’t do his fine face justice.
“Amy… do you remember what happened last night? Truthfully this time,” he asked while raising that irritatingly gorgeous suspicious eyebrow – just like the last time we met. I considered saying no but soon realised there was no point. He might be a condescending son-of-a-bitch but he wasn’t stupid.
I decided to suss out what he already knew before I worked out how much I was prepared to divulge.
“I might need you to jog my memory a little. You tell me what happened first?” He puckered his eyebrows together in frustration and I knew he thought I was being petulant.
“Well, you were brought in at 01:54 this morning after a suspected fall from a fire escape. You presented with a GCS of nine, head trauma, carpal fracture, possible spinal damage and an elevated BP of 140/98. You should also know your blood results have shown traces of narcotics in your system,” he answered, very matter of fact.
“Spinal damage?” My heart shuddered to a near stop and I couldn’t tell if my legs wouldn’t move because I was so afraid or because they physically couldn’t.
“An MRI scan has revealed some swelling around the thoracic nerves in your spinal cord, although we expect this to subside within a few days leaving no permanent damage. In the meantime however you may experience some muscle weakness in your legs, possibly even paralysis but this should be temporary and now you’re back with us we can begin the relevant tests to show us what we’re dealing with.”
‘Should’ be temporary…
I nodded as if I understood what the hell he was saying to me. But then suddenly my body was paralysed with an even greater fear… the blood results.
“The blood results… does my father know?”
“No. We have a duty to respect patient confidentiality. He knows you have experienced a fall and the immediate danger you suffered as a result. We won’t disclose anything else without your consent. Although, maybe that is something you should talk through with your parents yourself. I think you need their support right now.”
“No! No please, you can’t tell them anything. Please…”
“Miss Ho- Amy, I’ve told you I have to respect your wishes. But I really do think you need to talk with somebody. How would you feel about having a chat with a colleague of mine – Joanna Spencer?”
“What, like a shrink? No way.”
“No, not a shrink. She’s our young person’s drug and alcohol counsellor. She deals with a range of issues from addiction to depression. She’s simply there to listen. I really believe it would be of benefit to you.”
I couldn’t think of anything worse than spilling my guts to a complete stranger – to anyone for that matter – but I felt like I owed the doctor somehow. He had saved me twice now for no other reason than compassion that I could think of. Besides, meeting the shrink didn’t mean I actually had to tell her anything.
“Okay.” I shrugged in defeat.
“Good girl.” There he went again… patronising bastard. Good girl? Seriously? “I’m just going to call your father and let him know you’ve come round.” He rose from the bed so fluidly I didn’t feel the mattress move and then started to walk away.
“No. Please don’t call him,” I called after him once his words has sunken in.
“Amy, I’ve assured you I won’t breach your patient confidentiality. I just need to let him know you’re awake, that’s all. He’s very worried about you.”
Like hell he is.
“Please? Not yet. I-I know you’ll have to do it eventually but please just give me some time. I beg you, please,” I muttered, turning into a stuttering mess.
“Is there something you need to tell me, Amy?”
My heart sank into the depths of my stomach. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to scream and shout what a sadistic bastard my father was so he would keep him away from me. I attempted to speak but my mouth was so dry the words stuck to my lips. Then a rogue tear escaped and trailed miserably down my cheek when I realised no one could keep him away from me. He was my father…
“No, I just don’t want to see him yet.” I watched the doctor’s face intently. He was doing the questioning eyebrow thing and I knew he didn’t believe me.
“Okay. Well, I need you to rest for me now. I’m going to bleep Joanna and arrange a visit from her this afternoon. I’ll be back shortly to check on you, but for now… sleep.” He was so bossy. If he wasn’t so goddamn good looking I was pretty sure I’d hate him.
I stared after him as he left the room and closed the heavy yellow door behind him. I was insatiably tired so I closed my eyes. For some incomprehensible reason I seemed to trust the dishy doctor and I drifted into a peaceful sleep in the knowledge I wouldn’t wake up to the sight – or force – of my dad.
Chapter Three
“Amy?” I felt a gentle nudge on my right shoulder. It stirred me and my eyes peeled open. It was the ridiculously handsome doctor and a tall blonde woman – late twenties, early thirties maybe – with flawless porcelain skin and a figure that belonged on the red carpet. This sure as hell wasn’t the place for someone with self-esteem issues.
“This is Joanna Spencer; the lady we talked about this morning.” He proffered his hand towards the movie-star woman as he introduced her. I nodded but I couldn’t find the right muscles in my face to smile. Thrusting my clenched fists into the too-firm mattress I tried to heave myself up into a sitting position but an engulfing shooting pain radiated from my lower back making me cry out as I was sent crashing back down. A strong, protective arm was beneath me, holding me up before I hit the mattress.
The shock – or the pain – made me dizzy and when I’d composed myself I was in the doctor’s arms, our faces just inches apart. The proximity sent an unnerving, delicious current through my veins; not dissimilar to the effects of heroin and I wondered if perhaps there was some lingering in my system. Too soon, the woman was against my other side and between them they hitched me a little higher up the bed, creating a makeshift hoist with the crook of their elbows under my armpits.
“I’ll leave you two alone,” Richard – or should it be Doctor Lewis now I was in hospital – said with a reassuring hand on my shoulder. That inexplicable charge resurfaced at his touch and I wondered if it was the after effects of the come down.
His words disappointed me more than they should. I nodded in response but I didn’t want him to leave. I only felt safe when he was with me and that in itself made me feel stupid.
“My name is Joanna. I believe Richard has told you a little bit about me,” she said as she pulled the green plastic visitor’s chair by my bed a little closer and lowered herself onto it. I nodded in acknowledgement but the uncomfortable silence which followed made me think she was expecting me to say something.
“Would you like to start?” she asked me, finally breaking the deafening silence. I shook my head. Seemingly I had turned into an utter imbecile and couldn’t find two words to string together. “Well, do you mind if I ask you some questions? You don’t have to answer anything you feel uncomfortable with.”
I nodded, again. She must have thought I was completely backwards. The whole atmosphere felt very unnatural. I couldn’t decide if she genuinely wanted to help or if she was just an interfering do-gooder. It didn’t matter either way – nobody could help.
“Do you remember what happened before you were admitted to us?” And so it began…
“A little. I assume you’ve been told I’d taken something. I guess I just overdid it and lost my balance.” At last I had regained the ability to speak – even if not truthfully.
“You say you took something… was that the first time?” I shook my head and found myself staring unseeingly at the metal guardrail at the foot of my bed. I was too ashamed to make eye contact and my fingers were starting to ache from knotting themselves together so tightly. “Can I ask what it is you’ve been taking?”
Like you don’t know… I felt like she was trying to humiliate me by forcing me to say it aloud.
“Heroin,” I muttered under my breath as I stared down at my knees.
“So, you’ve been taking it for a while?” she assumed ever so calmly, without a hint of judgement in her voice.
“No, that was the first time. I thought you just meant in general. I’ve dabbled with cocaine before.” Holy shit, the shame was crushing me. My cheeks were on the verge of setting alight and I could feel beads of sweat dripping furiously down the back of my neck.
“So what do you think made you want to take the step up to heroin?”
Um… I’d had enough of my dad beating seven shades of shit out of me. I’d had enough of ripping my thighs to pieces in an effort to distract myself from a greater pain that I have no control over. I’d had enough of looking into my mom’s eyes and seeing the pitch-black pool of regret bubbling behind them. I’d had enough of being treated, and acting, like a cheap slut just to feel wanted for a few brief minutes… I fell silent.
“Peer pressure perhaps?” she continued. “If it’s something your circle of friends are into then it can be all to easy to feel like you need to follow suit.” I shook my head.
“No. Nobody else even knows. I don’t have a lot of friends. I didn’t do it to ‘fit in’, or for attention if that’s what you think.”
“I don’t think anything. I’m here to find out what you think. You can trust me, Amelia.” But I didn’t.
I was almost eighteen years old. I’d had doctors appointments before, teacher conferences, hospital admissions, home-visits from a healthcare worker over my hip-dysplasia as a small child… no one else had ever been able to help me. Nobody had ever even noticed I might need help. No one else had ever been able to see through my seemingly pillar of the community, doting father.
Why would this shrink be any different?
“Maybe we should talk about something else. The scars on your legs… did you do those to yourself?” I wondered idly if it was compulsory to have a degree in patronisation in order to work here. There was no denying her question. It was blatantly fucking obvious. I was embarrassed and frustrated and I wanted her to leave. “Is there something that triggers you to do that?”
