Shock the Monkey, page 25
The Centaur-pede got off one blast but missed. After that, he didn’t stand a chance.
Claire was not knocked down by the shrill sonic blast. It did ruffle the birds’ feathers quite a bit, causing them to flap with panic and try to tear themselves free from her gown, but the force field that held them in place was too strong.
Her coronation was ruined. Ruined! Broken glass everywhere, sprawling, stunned, undead Usurpers littered the ground, and—was that the missing-presumed-dead Noah Prime who just fell from a banner pole? Was he the cause of all this? The nerve of some people!
Well, this wasn’t over yet! Because there on the ground between her and Noah was the glorious crown of light. If no one was going to put it on her head, she’d have to do it herself. Still skimming the ground on tippy-toes, she made her way to the crown, but Noah was approaching from the other direction.
“No, Claire, don’t do it!” he shouted.
“You were not invited to this party!”
“You don’t understand!”
“Oh, I understand plenty!” she snapped. “You’re just jealous that Ogden didn’t buy you a planet, too!”
She grabbed the crown just before Noah reached it and held it over her head, then, speaking as regally as she could, she proclaimed: “I hereby crown myself Princess Claire of Claire, now and forever, hallelujah, huzzah, amen, and whatever else!”
Then she slammed the crown down on her own head, where it stuck like a suction cup.
The moment it made contact, the force field holding the doves to her gossamer gown released them. The birds flew free, first winging around her, and then rising into the air before finally roosting in the eaves of the courtyard. It would have been breathtaking if anyone had seen it, but there was only the faintest smattering of applause because most everyone was still picking themselves up off the ground.
Claire glared at Noah. “That would have been much cooler if people were actually watching! But you spoiled it! You spoiled everything!”
“Claire, you don’t realize what you’ve just done. Take it off before—”
“It’s too late,” said a voice from behind her. Slash stood up, dusting off Raymond’s body. “The coronation is complete. Rule and responsibility have been officially transferred.”
“Finally,” added UnEqua. “Now let’s get out of here.”
And they turned to leave.
“Wait, where are you going?” Claire asked. “You can’t leave yet. Look at this mess!” And now she realized it wasn’t just Slash and UnEqua who were leaving—all the Usurpers were racing to escape the courtyard.
“It’s your mess now,” said Slash. “None of this is our problem anymore.”
“Enjoy your world while you can, gullible human female,” said UnEqua with a bitter laugh.
Then a massive object descended from the sky, eclipsing the sun.
28
Judgment Day
THE TRIBUNAL’S INTERSTELLAR VESSEL WAS AN AWE-INSPIRING creation, carved entirely out of rare granite from the deepest corners of the universe, and designed to resemble a mountain hurtling through space. This architectural marvel was not merely a vessel, but a symbol of justice, adorned with intricate engravings depicting countless civilizations throughout history. The mountainous vessel was much larger than the judges needed, but that was intentional. When it came to meting out justice, it was important to project an intimidating image of solid permanence. The sight of their craft made law-abiding citizens tremble and criminals run. But they never got far.
Within its grand halls, the trio of esteemed judges consulted their support staff of scholars and masters of interstellar diplomacy—their job being to assist the Tribunal in bringing order out of chaos wherever chaos might be found.
And right now, it was found in abundance on Planet Claire.
The ship dropped from intestinal space into normal space just beyond the planet’s outer atmosphere. It didn’t need to request permission to land; the Tribunal of Ancients had the absolute right to land anywhere and everywhere it so desired.
Wasting no time, the craft fired its thrusters and descended directly toward the palace.
When it came to catching Mittens, Ogden’s ignorance helped. He had no idea that the bulging pods around him were full of aggro-spice, so he had no problem bumping into them in his quest to apprehend Mittens. The cat, on the other hand, was being extra careful—he had already made a deal with Slash and UnEqua to catch a ride on their ship to the Fauxlites’ home world. Going all wildcat right now was not going to be helpful—and might cause the Usurpers to leave him behind. The best thing to do would be to get out of the garden as carefully as he could, without bursting any of the aggro-spice pods. But before he could, Ogden pounced on him and grabbed him with those damnable hands with opposable thumbs. Curse human evolution!
“It’s okay, Mittens, I’ve got you,” said Ogden, falling to his knees. “You’re safe now.”
Oh, the irony. Mittens could tell that Ogden had no idea what was bulging in the pods all around them. And so, to keep Ogden from moving too sharply, Mittens opened his mind and projected the truth of the spice pods into Ogden’s. Unfortunately, Mittens was careless with his thoughts again and projected not just one truth but a whole bunch of unintended ones.
“What?” yelled Ogden, jumping to his feet. “You’re the one who ejected Noah and Miss Luella? You’re going to turn him over to the Fauxlites? Claire is being set up? You’ve been peeing in my lunch box? Mittens! How could you!”
Mittens decided this was not going anywhere good, so he clawed Ogden’s arm just hard enough to make him let go and took off through the garden, determined to find Slash and UnEqua and get off this planet, happy to never see Ogden or his friends again.
Noah knew that an eclipse could not be good, especially because the planet had no moon with which to eclipse its sun.
“What’s going on?” yelled Claire. “Will somebody tell me what’s going on?”
“A bunch of judges are coming to execute you.”
“Excuse me?”
But with Usurpers rushing toward the archway, trying to escape, Noah didn’t have time to bring Claire up to speed.
“We can’t let the Usurpers leave!” Noah turned to his sister. “Andi, can you do something?”
Andi shrugged. “Sorry, I got nothing.”
So Noah called to Jad, who was closer to the courtyard archway. “Jad! Can you block the exit somehow?”
“I don’t know—I’ll try.”
But as it turned out, Jad didn’t have to. Because there in the archway stood Sahara, covered in pink stuff and looking more furious than Noah had ever seen her before.
“I’ve had it with you rotten, stinking, good-for-nothing Usurpers!” she bellowed.
“Oh dear,” said Forlo. “It looks like she’s been to the garden.”
“Just give me a reason,” Sahara wailed, perhaps not realizing they’d already given her plenty of reasons.
Then one of the Usurpers, a reptilian alien, tried to sneak past her. Sahara wasn’t having it. She grabbed the creature, let loose a bloodcurdling war cry, and in one smooth motion, ripped its head off. She actually ripped its head off!
“My God! She killed it!” gasped Claire.
“Well, technically it was already dead,” Andi pointed out.
Then, out of the undead/redead creature’s neck, a little green Usurper squirmed, jumped into the ear of a passing rat, and scurried away.
Meanwhile, the sky above darkened as a mountain fell from the sky.
“I’d better go greet the Tribunal,” said Forlo, “and try to spin things in our favor.”
He slipped out behind Sahara, who tossed him a half-hearted glare, but let him go. Noah, however, was fool enough to engage her.
“Good going, Sahara,” said Noah as he reached her.
“Shut up,” she growled. “I am so mad at you right now.”
“Why? What did I do?”
“I don’t know, and I don’t care! I’m just mad, so shut up!”
Noah couldn’t help but notice that the pink powder had a sharp scent, and just smelling it was tweaking his own sense of outrage. Wisely, he decided it was best not to ask questions. Instead, he slipped out of her line of sight. Then, behind her, he began slinging his newly discovered Darwin’s bark spider web across the archway to keep Usurpers from leaving.
“Who’s next?” bellowed Sahara, ready to tear anyone who approached her limb from rotting limb.
Then one voice rang out from across the courtyard.
“You dare stand in our way!” UnEqua snarled. Not even Slash was willing to take Sahara on in this state. He backed away, letting this be UnEqua’s battle.
All the other Usurpers stepped aside, leaving a clear path between them, like this was an old-fashioned western face-off.
“You!” roared Sahara. “I am so done with you!”
“I’ve been waiting for this moment,” said UnEqua, the shimmering waters of the fountain behind her seeming to glow like an aura of power. “Go ahead,” she said, her rotting lips peeled into a horrible sneer. “Take on me.”
Sahara tore into UnEqua. Literally—ripping her limb from limb until UnEqua was on her last leg. Also literally.
Meanwhile, Slash and dozens of other Usurpers launched an attack on the others.
Claire was grabbed in a way that did not befit a princess. Andi, who had expended most of her remaining power, could offer no real resistance, and was easily subdued.
Jad, who was not a fighter by nature, tried to call up an animal trait but found only the fluffy pelt of a Triastral Furball Mink, which was really cute and melted hearts, but unfortunately not literally, so it wasn’t very helpful at all.
Noah was harder to defeat, but in the end, he was also taken down—and not even rhino skull could save him from the stone that Slash hit him with. It wasn’t enough to kill him, but it left Noah seriously stunned on the ground, head spinning.
But at least Noah had managed to web off the exit.
“Not to worry,” said Slash. “We would have felt the ground shake if the Tribunal ship had landed. We still have time.” Then Slash turned to one of his minions, a nasty thing that looked like it was right out of a Predator movie. “Fred, can you grab a flamethrower and burn down that web?”
Noah tried to rise, but his brain was scrambled in the worst way. He felt like a prizefighter who had taken one too many blows. “We have to help Sahara!” he told Jad as he fell back to his knees.
But Sahara needed absolutely no help from anyone. She was still a bottomless pit of aggro-rage. UnEqua had only one arm and one leg left, and Sahara was still pummeling her, sending unpleasant pieces of UnEqua’s rotting self flying left and right.
If Sahara’s intellect could rise above the rage, she would have realized that she really wasn’t hurting UnEqua at all; she was just destroying the body of the dead host UnEqua wore. But she couldn’t stop because it felt soooo good.
The shrewd Usurper, however, wasn’t as helpless as she appeared. UnEqua took advantage of Sahara’s fury, letting her tire herself out. Then, at precisely the right moment, UnEqua ducked Sahara’s attack, and Sahara’s momentum took her over the low railing and right into the fountain.
Once submerged in the shimmering waters, the aggro-spice was washed away. The instant the pink powder was gone, it was as if some spell had been broken—and with so much aggression suddenly washed away, Sahara felt limp and ready to fall asleep, as if all the adrenaline that had been coursing through her body suddenly turned to warm milk.
Coughing and sputtering, she tried to pull herself out of the fountain. But UnEqua wasn’t about to let her.
“And now, pretty little human, you’re mine!” said UnEqua, in cackling triumph. “I’ll take your body now. But not alive. No, no, we can’t have that! I prefer my hosts dead.” And with that, she raised the ceremonial sword that had been given to Claire and drew it back, preparing to thrust it through Sahara’s heart.
Sahara would have died…
Noah would have been turned over to the Fauxlites…
Jad would have been usurped…
Claire would have been handed to the Tribunal…
Andi would have been recycled…
And Ogden would have become Mittens’s servant…
Were it not for the sudden appearance of Arbuckle Middle School’s least-loved science teacher, Mr. Kratz, and the love of his life—himself—but in the form of Agent Nell Knell.
29
Of Birds and Blobs
QUANTAVIUS T. KRATZ HAD NEVER ONCE, IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE, saved the day.
He believed that he had, of course. Many times. He was constantly telling people how everything would fall completely apart without him—that he was the mainspring that kept the world around him functioning.
But in reality?
No.
Just no.
And yet the universe has a way of giving everyone their shining moment, whether they deserve it or not. As it turned out, this was Kratz and Nell’s moment.
If there was anyone to blame for what happened next, it was Mittens, because he was the one who locked Kratz and Knell in Miss Luella’s basement in the first place, inadvertently bringing all of them to this exact moment in time.…
In the midst of UnEqua’s moment of triumph, a drainage grate sprang open in the middle of the courtyard, and Kratz crawled out with Knell close behind. It wasn’t their arrival that made the difference, however—it was what they brought with them.
Blobs.
Hundreds and hundreds of blobs that had been chasing them through the caves below the palace for hours.
“Run, Nell!” shouted Kratz as the gelatinous creatures bubbled up through the drain. “Run, before they devour us!”
They were, of course, in no danger of being devoured, as Splunges only ate dead flesh. Not a problem for humans.
But a big problem for Usurpers.
The Splunges had been hoping for a small snack of dead skin cells and maybe a little bit of hair—but suddenly they found themselves in Splunge heaven!
At the sight of the creatures, the Usurpers panicked. Their home world had horror movies about things like this. They scattered, forgetting their prisoners, racing to escape, screaming in abject terror, as they hurried to the archway—but Predator Fred had not yet reached the web with the flamethrower.
“Splunges!” Predator Fred wailed. “How can it be? I thought we hunted them to extinction ages ago!”
The archway web held firm against Usurpers throwing themselves against it, sticking to it, and thus making an even denser barrier.
Meanwhile, the Splunges wasted no time. They moved faster than invertebrate blobs should be able to move and pounced on the panicking hoard.
UnEqua never saw it coming. One moment she was about to run Sahara through with a sword, and the next, a Splunge was on her arm, devouring what flesh remained, leaving only bones that clattered to the floor along with the sword.
With Jad’s help, Noah got to his feet. What Noah saw, he thought was a hallucination brought on by being hit in the head. The scene looked like something ripped from his darkest nightmares—an army of zombies wailing in agony as they were devoured by living boogers. And was that Mr. Kratz in the middle of it? No, that part absolutely had to be a hallucination.
“What’s happening?” Noah asked.
“Not sure,” answered Jad, “but if it’s bad for the Usurpers, it’s good for us.”
Meanwhile, Kratz and Knell came to the simultaneous realization that the palace was not a fun place to be, and they slipped back down the drain—because being lost in the caves was much better than whatever was going on up here.
And so, for once, Quantavius T. Kratz’s astounding talent for creating monumental messes turned out to be precisely what the moment required.
The Splunges were quicker than piranhas. In less than two minutes, they had stripped the flesh from every Usurper body, leaving nothing but brittle bones littering the courtyard. Well, bones, and a hundred little green worms squirming for cover.
UnEqua, in her unhosted form, wriggled out of the skull of her former host. This was a setback, nothing more. Sahara was still there, climbing out of the fountain—all UnEqua had to do was usurp her. She would have preferred Sahara dead, but that could be dealt with later. Right now, all she needed to do was get inside. So she coiled up and sprang toward Sahara’s left nostril…
… just as a Rigelian ultra-dove swooped down from above, caught UnEqua in its beak, and swallowed her whole.
Worms! The doves were thrilled by their luck. Worms! They had been stuck on that ridiculous dress for days with nothing to eat. Worms! Surely, this feast had been prepared just for them! Worms! This was a gift from the great Rigelian ultra-dove in the sky. Worms! They would give thanks, and lay eggs, and tell of this glorious day to their chicks and grandchicks. Worms!
With their feathers aglow in a mesmerizing shade of deep purple, the Rigelian ultra-doves swooped down from their perches, their hunger rivaling that of the voracious Splunges. Their beaks seemed to shine like stars as they effortlessly plucked the Usurpers from their bony hiding places one by one—and with every morsel devoured, a soft and melodious coo filled the air, creating an otherworldly symphony of satisfaction. They wove between the bones, executing twists and turns with astonishing precision. And as the doves filled themselves, the once formidable foes were reduced to mere memories of malevolence. The Usurpers never stood a chance.
Noah and Jad watched the feeding frenzy with a strange mix of joy, wonder, and a little bit of horror.
“Have you ever seen anything so beautiful as the food chain?” said Noah.
