The Mass, page 3
“To…?”
“To protest.” She opened her eyes and looked me dead on. Suddenly, that inch between us felt demolished, and Gracie had all the space to herself. I could barely breathe, and before I could even think to open my mouth, Gracie went on a rampage. “This has to stop. It happens way too often, and it’s just going to get worse and worse. We have to do something. We need better gun control laws everywhere. If we go to D.C., we can march in front of the White House and demand change.”
“Oh.” I didn’t think I’d be traveling that far anytime soon.
“Don’t you think it’s time the government does something?”
“I don’t know if you’re going to get that kind of change right now. Students marched and protested back in March, and nothing really changed.”
“That’s not an excuse not to try.”
“I’m not trying to make excuses. I just ... I don’t know what I think about all this.”
“You don’t?” Gracie blinked several times, and her nostrils flared in disgust. “All your friends are dead. Because some monster drove to Texas, walked into a gun store, and walked out with a semi-automatic.”
“We don’t know his whole story yet.”
“Are you sympathizing with him?”
“I just like to have all the facts before I make an opinion about something.”
She folded her arms across her chest and heaved a sigh. “How many mass shootings does it take for you to make an opinion?”
I stood and walked three feet away, giving myself space to breathe. When I turned back around, her face, usually so calm and serene, was now a force to be reckoned with. Still, I had to be frank with her.
“Gracie, I’m not going.”
“It’s the right thing to do.”
“It won’t change anything.” I looked across town, noting how old-fashioned all the stores were, the owners too stubborn and proud to change anything. Remodeling came at a price, and no one wanted to pay it. Just like the gunmakers. Why would they support a law that damaged their revenue? I wasn’t in support of them, by no means, but I had a decent understanding of economics and how things worked thanks to my dad.
“Well then.” Gracie finally stood, dusting the back of her black dress. “I guess I’ll have to ask someone else. But your presence would have made a big statement.”
“Because I’m the only one left?”
Gracie sighed, a bit of her soft side returning. “Because people look up to you. Whether you admit it or not, you’re a big deal in this town. And people count on you. You can’t just run from this. It’ll destroy you.”
“I’m not running.” Moving on wasn’t the same as running, or was it? I shook my head and headed toward the door. “I need to get back to work.”
“Of course,” Gracie said, smiling politely, though I could tell she was still livid. “If you change your mind, you know where to find me.”
****
I shouldn’t have been so cold. Now would be the time to call and apologize, but I don’t have the courage. What would I even say? How could I explain it? I’ve shut down emotionally, and I’m still not sure if it’s something I did intentionally. I’m sure a therapist could give me an answer, after dissecting my brain apart. But do I want to be put through that?
I don’t want to give anything to anyone right now.
I don’t want to care.
I want to be free.
Maya
Dawn arrives at eight o’clock, and I’m more than ready to go out. I squeezed into my little black dress, braided my hair, and put on lots of dark eyeliner and mascara. Dawn’s going-out style is the exact opposite. She wears a white blouse and a baby blue skirt. Boring. And her curly red hair is pulled back with a headband. Dorky. But she’s been dressing that way since we were kids despite my attempts to sexify her.
“You look like you’re going to an eighth-grade dance,” I tell her when she enters the apartment.
“You look like you’re out to get laid,” she fires back, hanging her bulky blue purse on the coat rack.
“Not tonight.” I wiggle my hips side to side. “Already took care of that earlier.”
Dawn rolls her eyes but smiles. “Nicole?”
I nod. “But I probably won’t be seeing her again.”
“I figured. Did you read her Facebook post?”
“No. What’d she write this time?”
Dawn takes out her phone to show me.
Nicole: You don’t deserve me, you cunt.
Ooh. Nicole has already gotten forty-three likes and sixteen comments.
I laugh. “What a drama queen!”
“She had it bad for you.” Dawn slides her phone inside one of her oddly huge pockets. “What happened? Did she get too attached?”
“Don’t they all?”
“Well, that often happens to girls. Not that I’m going from any kind of experience in that territory. But maybe you should go for a guy next time.”
“I’m very picky when it comes to guys.” And I have very good reasons for that.
“Size is important.” Dawn and I share a bit of the same humor, but she’s tame around other people, whereas I have no filter. She walks into the kitchen and grabs a pitcher of water from the fridge.
“You’re not pre-gaming?” I ask.
“With what? Your grandma doesn’t have any wine.” Dawn limits her alcohol intake to red wine and champagne, claiming her freckles spread when she drinks liquor or beer. What a load of crap. She won’t admit she turns into the biggest flirt when she’s drunk and makes a fool of herself.
“She doesn’t buy it cause she knows I’ll drink it,” I say.
Dawn smirks as she pours herself a glass of water. “You’d drink cough syrup if she bought it.”
“God no. That involves way too much puking.”
I motion for Dawn to follow me back to my room. I don’t have any red wine, but I do have an excellent assortment of recreational drugs. I open my Betty Boop jewelry box and pull out a few small bags. Nothing too extreme. Just leaves, gummies, and painkillers.
“What’ll it be?” I ask.
“We’re just going to Dave and Buster’s. They have really good appetizers.”
“Gummy?”
Dawn rolls her eyes. “No, thank you. I don’t do that stuff.” The worst she’s done is smoke a teeny, tiny joint, and she freaked out the entire time.
“It’ll be fun.”
“Maya, no.” She sighs and runs her fingers across her skirt as though to smooth out the non-existent wrinkles. “I’m driving, remember?”
“So nothing?”
“I’ll have a couple of drinks when we get there. But that’s it.”
Groaning, I put my lovelies back inside my jewelry box. “You know it’s never a couple of drinks with me?”
Dawn smiles and takes my hand. “Yes, I know, little cousin. Now, let’s go. Traffic is going to suck.”
“When I collect my inheritance, we’ll take Ubers everywhere. Maybe even a limo ride now and then.”
“That’s if you stay.”
Her smile fades, and her big blue eyes suddenly seem gray.
I give her hand a little squeeze and pull her toward the door. “No plans yet,” I say. “So for now, I’m here.”
****
It’s a forty-minute drive into the city. Grams lives in the suburbs because she’s terrified of being mugged, raped, or murdered. I don’t fear such things anymore. I still go into the city, whenever I want, with nothing in my wallet but a fake ID, some cash, and gift cards—all replaceable. You can’t replace an unlived life. Unless we reincarnate, then we get a second chance. But I’d rather take all the opportunities I can with this life.
I never had a sister and neither did Dawn. Our fathers were brothers, and our mothers were polar opposites in terms of upbringing. Grams had my mother; my mother had me. My mom didn’t have a lot of cash until my dad came along and turned her into a princess. Whereas my Aunt Meg and Uncle Lou were childhood sweethearts and went to elite private school together, destined to marry and be rich forever. Dawn has been their pride and joy for the most part. She’s older by three years, majoring in nursing, and hoping to take care of NICU babies someday. Uncle Lou and Aunt Meg are surgeons and disappointed that Dawn “only” wants to be a nurse. Nothing’s ever good enough for them. It must run in the family because nothing was ever good enough for my parents either.
“Did you eat yet?” Dawn asks, distracting me from my annoying thoughts.
“Chips.” I rub my stomach.
“How about some protein? Burgers?”
“I’m good.”
“You look thinner than the last time I saw you.”
“Is that a hickey on your neck?”
“It’s a birthmark, asshole.”
“Whoops, I forgot.”
She rolls her eyes and turns into the parking garage. It’s almost full, so we have to park on the top floor, six stories up. As soon as I get out of the car, I light up a cigarette. I’ve been dying for one all day. Despite my lack of control with drinking, I have disciplined myself to only smoke at night. So instead of dying from lung cancer at forty, I might just make it to fifty. That’s if my liver survives that long.
“Ew.” Dawn immediately voices her disgust when she gets out of the car. She grabs her purse and swings it over one shoulder. “You’re going to smell now.”
“Good. Then no one will come near me tonight.”
“Is that what you want?”
“I’m here to have fun. With you, dear cousin.” I take two more puffs of my cig and toss it over the ledge. “Shall we?” I loop my arm around hers and pull her toward the elevator, which smells like piss.
When we reach the ground floor, we gasp for air, even though the city air is anything but fresh. It’s a two-block walk to Dave & Buster’s. The sidewalks are crowded and the streets filled with honking cars moving five miles an hour. I don’t fear anyone, not even the so-called dangerous ones. I make eye contact with all the sketchy people. The weirdos. The dudes with face tattoos. The girls with possible man parts. The druggies. The drunks. Bring it on, world. Show me what you got. I’m not scared. Not anymore.
Dawn is my divergent, walking cautiously, not making eye contact with anyone, and leaning in close to me. Her red curls waft my face. She smells like summer. Must be her perfume. She would never come into the city alone. Not even for a job interview.
The line for D & B is only a million miles long. A group of college-aged girls stands ahead of us, all on their phones, and a middle-aged couple is behind us. Dawn relaxes somewhat, and I think about what it’ll be like when I have lots of money. We’ll be able to go to much better places than this. With VIP access. No more lines. No more waiting.
“Pinball or basketball first?” I ask.
Dawn doesn’t answer. Two gunshots from across the street cause everyone around us to either panic, run, or drop to the ground. Dawn screams bloody murder and cowers behind a trashcan. I don’t. Because it’s just some guy robbing a convenience store. Maybe someone’s been shot, maybe not, but the police will be here any minute. I doubt this is going to turn into a bloodbath.
An unsuppressed AR-15 will make your ears ring. What just fired sounds like your typical handgun, easy to conceal and typically used for robberies, not mass shootings. From my experience, in either case, the worst thing you can do is panic. Of course, everyone panics.
Dawn starts pulling me down the sidewalk. “Let’s get out of here!”
“You don’t want to play pinball anymore?”
She snatches her hand away and completely loses it. “Are you out of your mind? Someone just fired a gun. How is this not traumatizing you?”
Because the worst thing to happen already did, so there’s not much left to fear. Death could be a never-ending pleasure zone, who knows?
Rather than explain all that to Dawn, I opt for a more generic answer. “We’re in a city. It happens. No need to go spoiling the night.”
Dawn shakes her head. Her red curls go flying. “You need help, Maya!”
I laugh and wiggle my leg. “I’m fine. Look, I don’t even limp anymore.”
“Not your leg. Your head. If you have zero fear right now, you’re more messed up than I thought.”
Now she’s being a turd. “Lay off, Dawn. For real.” Seriously, I already got this speech from Nicole today.
“Oh, now we’re for real?” She hits the button for the elevator. Several people are behind us, all with the same idea to flee. I don’t want to be stuck inside a car with her hysteria for forty-plus minutes.
“You know what?” I say, stepping back. “I’m not ready to go home yet. If you want to leave, that’s fine. I’ll take an Uber home.”
“What? Where are you going?”
“Don’t know. Don’t care.”
“You can’t walk around the city by yourself. Don’t be stupid, Maya.”
I light up another cigarette and back away from her. The people behind me flood the elevator, trapping her inside. I blow my cousin a kiss and walk away. Because of the gunshots, the sidewalks are way less crowded. It means I’ll be able to go anywhere I want without having to wait too long in line. I could return to Dave & Buster’s to top my pinball score.
But first I need to pee.
The closest and cleanest place to pee is Starbucks. But in the city, they’re anal about letting you use their toilets unless you buy something first. So, I hop in line just for a bag of chips. Once I pee, I relax in a lounge chair to eat my overpriced food and check my phone.
I have several missed calls and texts from Dawn.
Dawn: Where are you? Please get home safely. Don’t do anything stupid.
I have one giant text from Nicole.
Nicole: I’m sorry I got so mad earlier. If you don’t want a relationship, I get it. But I feel sorry for you. I think deep down you’re still hurting because of what happened to you. If you would just let someone love you, you’d be able to heal.
And lastly, I have a text from an unknown number reminding me I have an appointment with the bank next week to collect my inheritance.
I don’t respond to anyone, and I delete the message from Nicole. As much as I enjoy having sex with women, it’s getting harder for me to handle all the emotions and hysteria. And while I equally enjoy having sex with men, I don’t like being forced into the submissive role or told what to do. I’ve also had guys who want to “save me”, and I don’t need that kind of chivalry. There has to be someone out there who is non-clingy and non-assertive but also great at sex. Maybe I just haven’t met them yet. Does such a person exist?
Why am I suddenly logged in to my support group, anxiously awaiting Kicked123’s return?
It’s after 9:00 PM. He’s probably out with friends. Then again, didn’t he just go to a bunch of funerals? I doubt he’s going anywhere tonight. He’s probably crying or drinking or doing whatever he’s gotta do to get on with his life.
Still, I type.
LookingForMyLostSock: heres a story
LookingForMyLostSock: when i was 8 my parents took me to fantasy land but we got separated in the forest
LookingForMyLostSock: i didnt try to find them just started going on all the rides by myself had a way better time without them
LookingForMyLostSock: probably like the happiest moment of my life
I send all the messages, even though he’s not online. A small window pops up, asking if I want to send it as an email instead. I hit yes.
While I wait for something to happen, I finish the bag of chips and think about what I just shared. I’ve never even told Dawn about my rebellion in the forest. So why Daniel? In some ways, it’s easier to spill your deepest and darkest secrets with strangers because you don’t have an emotional connection with them. But should you lessen the boundaries, you risk them using the information against you. Do I anticipate getting close to Daniel?
I get a new message alert. He’s back.
Kicked123: What happened after that?
Wow. That was fast.
LookingForMyLostSock: they found me eventually and i pretended like i had been looking for them the whole time
Kicked123: You didn’t tell them about all the rides?
LookingForMyLostSock: hell no they would have flipped
Kicked123: That’s cool you went to Fantasy Land. That’s that big amusement park down in Georgia, right?
LookingForMyLostSock: yup
Kicked123: I’ve always wanted to go. We were supposed to go when I was in middle school, but my mom ran out on us, so it never happened.
LookingForMyLostSock: did she ever come back?
Kicked123: No.
LookingForMyLostSock: why she leave?
Kicked123: She stopped loving my dad.
LookingForMyLostSock: and u?
Kicked123: She tried to get custody, but my dad wouldn’t let her take me. The court wouldn’t either.
LookingForMyLostSock: where is she from?
Kicked123: Puerto Rico.
LookingForMyLostSock: have u ever been there?
Kicked123: Once. When I was three. I don’t remember it. And I never had a desire to go back.
It was the opposite for me. When our plane departed from the airport, I kept staring out the window, wishing one of the engines would catch fire, so I could parachute out and land right back in Fantasy Land. But nothing happened. My parents drank wine and champagne, while I sat behind them sipping on a Juicy Juice, wondering when our next “family” vacation would be.
That was the last big trip. Their work and social lives got too busy. When they needed a break, they took trips by themselves and left me with Aunt Meg and Uncle Lou. At least I had Dawn to keep me company. Without her, I probably would have started drinking way sooner.
LookingForMyLostSock: fantasy land was the only place i ever wanted to go to as a kid if i could have any job in the world id be a fantasy land elf princess
Kicked123: What kind of elf? Lord of the Rings or Santa’s helpers?
LookingForMyLostSock: id be arwen from lotr
Kicked123: Do you look like her?
LookingForMyLostSock: i got the hair i could be her or princess jasmine
