Powwow Summer, page 5
“We snuck those boys blankets and warm tea and bannock. In the morning we went to check on them. But they were already gone. I thought to myself, I hope I see him again. Then about a week later at the Christmas gathering at the church, I saw him again. We used to get little bags of candies, nuts and apples. He offered me an apple. He said it was to thank me for our kindness. He asked me when I would be finished school. When he heard it would only be another year, he kissed me and told me he would wait for me. It was the most romantic night of my life.” She sighed and paused in her memories. “Then we had four boys by the time we were twenty-five. And life was never the same,” she laughed.
River felt frozen in place, hanging on her nokomis’s every word. She wanted to stay up all night listening, but she knew the night had to eventually end. She hoped there were many more nights like this. Her grandmother’s stories were so vivid they came alive in River’s mind.
“That was such a good story, Noki, thank you.” River slurped the last of her tea.
As her nokomis did the same, she said, “Miigwech. Miigwech means ‘thank you’ in our language, in Anishnaabomowin.”
“Well then, miigwech, Nokomis,” River said solemnly.
She kissed her nokomis and her dad on the cheek. “Dad, I can’t keep my eyes open. Can we hear some of your stories tomorrow?” She stifled her yawn and held her forearm over her mouth.
“Sure, my girl,” he responded. “I’ll see you bright and early.” Then he frowned a bit and added, “I know you’re tired, Riv. But can you let your mom know you’re okay?”
River nodded her head.
“Goodnight, my sweet girl,” her nokomis called up as River went off to her room.
June 25, Later
Nokomis is right, I should call Mom and let her know I am okay. I don’t know if I’m ready yet. How can I explain that I don’t think I’m even the same person who got on that bus two days ago? I will call Mom in the morning to let her know I’m okay. And she can let Josh and the girls know for now.
The stories of Nokomis and Mishomis are so sweet and romantic. But do they ever show how fast they had to grow up. I can’t imagine having four kids by the age of twenty-five. That would be like me and Josh having four kids in the next seven years.
I’m having a hard enough time looking after myself. It’s like every day I feel a little bit different. Sometimes it’s like I’m outside of myself looking in. But I can see that my thoughts don’t always match my feelings, if that makes any sense at all.
I know in my mind that everyone is trying to do the best they can. They are all trying to make the right decisions for me. But then I wonder why I can’t make decisions for myself.
My mom talks about leaving our home. Josh talks about school in the fall. Nokomis talks about when she was younger. I feel like they all have their lives all figured out. I don’t have a clue who I am or what I am doing.
Hopping on the bus was an impulse. It wasn’t really a well-thought-out move. I feel like if I just knew who I was, I could figure all this out so much more easily. It’s like I don’t really know who I am. Am I a farm girl? Not anymore! Am I a high school student? Not anymore!
Who am I? What am I doing here in Winnipeg when I don’t even have a home in Ontario anymore?
Chapter 10 He is My Father
Noos aawi
River had been with her dad and nokomis for a week. Eric was in his usual routine of waking early and cooking breakfast. He flipped the eggs and stirred the bacon with a fork. River could smell the toast starting to burn, so she popped up the lever on the toaster.
“Good morning, Riv,” her dad smiled.
“Morning, Dad. Smells so good.” She opened the fridge. “Do you have orange juice?”
“Yep, the kind with no pulp, your favourite.”
“Awesome. Thanks.”
River slid into the kitchen chair, and fastened her red bandana around her head. She poured herself some juice and buttered the toast.
“Mom said she’s going to stay in bed and rest for a while. She had a hard time falling asleep last night.” Eric placed the eggs carefully on the plate. “How did you sleep?” he asked.
“I had a hard time falling asleep too. I mean, I was really tired, but my mind was racing like crazy. I love hearing her stories every night. And yours too. I know they are about things that happened a long time ago. But they make me feel like I know myself a bit better or . . . something . . . weird.” She shook her head.
Eric just nodded and sipped his coffee.
River thought about the stories her dad and nokomis had been telling her. This was the first time she had even thought about residential schools and the Sixties Scoop as things that had happened to her own family.
“So this might be an awkward breakfast question, Dad,” she said. “But how come Noki calls her school, like, just school? She never calls it residential school.”
“I’m not sure,” her dad replied. “I do know that there are many Elders who don’t want to talk about all the bad stuff that happened in those places. The abuse and neglect. They have spent so many years telling their stories, after the Truth and Reconciliation Commission process. Maybe some of them might feel they need a break. They are at the end of their lives, and it almost re-traumatized them to tell their story over and over again. Even though it ended up being healing, it was still very painful. Some just want to spend their final years in the good space, after all their healing work. Don’t get me wrong, they’ll never forget what happened to them there. They will never forget losing everything, including their sense of spirit.”
Sense of spirit. Those words made River’s spine tingle.
“Geez, Dad, I’ve learned so much already.”
“A busy start to your summer!”
River and her dad ate in silence. She cleared their plates while her dad put the pan in the sink to soak.
“I don’t mean to change the subject, babe,” said her dad, wiping his hands. “But I have to head over to help my brother with the siding on his shed. Do you want to come with me? Give you a chance to see your uncle Dean again.”
“Uncle Dean is the really smart one, right?”
“Yeah, and I’m the really handsome one!”
River rolled her eyes and smirked. “Okay, yeah, sounds good. Then Noki can have a nice quiet sleep in. Should I just text her? But I don’t want to wake her.” River looked confused.
“Back in the old days we did something called writing a note and leaving it on the table,” Eric teased.
River giggled. “Are you sure you aren’t the smart one, Dad?”
“Well, yes, I am indeed. Because I knew you would come with me, and I already left her a note. I just have to grab some tools from the garage. I’ll meet you in the car.”
“Okay, sounds good.” River tiptoed to put her sandals on.
She tucked her phone in her back pocket and sat in the driver’s side of the car. “I’m driving!” she yelled as her dad walked over from the shed.
“Don’t go fast,” he warned her as he got in the car beside her. “There are rez cops everywhere. They have nothing to do all day. So they sit with that stupid new speed gun they just got and catch people who are going like three over the speed limit. Drives me nuts!”
“Okay, Dad. I won’t speed.” River turned the key. “Okay, which one is the brake? And where’s the drive forward button?”
“Uhh, are you being serious?”
“Yeah, dead serious. I’ve never driven a stick before.”
“Get out,” Eric huffed.
“What, why?”
“Because I am not about to teach you how to drive standard right now. Not when I have to get somewhere in one piece to help someone.”
River burst out laughing. “Just kidding, Dad, geez. I grew up on a farm. I can drive a standard tractor with my eyes closed.”
She put the car in reverse and backed out of the driveway. She used her mirrors, but didn’t actually look behind her. There was never anyone on the road. She shifted into first and popped the clutch, bouncing them down the dirt road. “Oops, just a little bump there, Dad. Just a little rusty, nothing to worry about . . .” She waved to the neighbours and smirked. “Nothing to see here, folks, nothing at all.”
Eric laughed with his head down and his chin into his chest. “It’s just up here on the left, through two more stop signs.”
River pulled into the driveway of a beautiful log cabin with a red tin roof. “Oh, this is a beautiful home, Dad.”
“Uncle Dean built it himself. We’re just finishing up the shed. And then he will start some small garden beds for fall Indian corn.”
“Oohh, I love Indian corn. Mom loves growing it too. Except one year, she thought she would try growing three different kinds. They all ended up weird and small because they cross pollinated.”
“Oh, who’s the smarty pants now, using big words like cross-pollinated?” Eric teased.
“Hey, Eric. Hey, kiddo!” called a voice as River put the car in park.
Dean, a slight man with a pot belly and a long, black ponytail like Eric’s walked over, wiping his hands on his dirty khaki pants. As River was getting out of the car, he surprised her with a tight hug. Her arms were still at her side.
“Hey, Uncle Dean,” she said. She struggled for air from inside his squeeze.
River saw her dad give his brother a sharp look. She could tell the warning in his eyes said, Too soon, Dean.
“Uh, you guys thirsty?” Dean asked, dropping his hands to his sides. “Want something to drink? A beer?”
Eric slapped the back of his hand against his brother’s bicep. “It’s ten o’clock in the morning, Dean.”
“I know, it’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?” Dean smiled from ear to ear. “Here, come and see the shed. It’s really starting to look good. I just need you guys to hold the siding for me, so I can fasten it on. We should be all done by lunchtime. Will you guys stay for lunch? Sophie is in the house making corn soup and bannock.”
Eric looked at River as if to ask her permission. River nodded in agreement.
“Sure, we will stay,” said Eric. “River can meet the kids.”
“Perfect!” Dean said. “Let’s go up and say hi, and then we can get started.” River wondered if his cheeks hurt. He had been smiling the whole time.
River’s gaze travelled along the stone walkway leading up to the stairs of the log house. The big bay windows reflected the morning sun. Two little children sat on the couch staring at them as they came through the door.
“River, these are your cousins, Sarah and Megan. Say hi, girls.” Dean looked at River for her response.
“Hey, girls, how are you? My name is River, and I am so happy to finally meet you.” She knelt beside the couch. “Do you like high fives?”
They nodded.
“Here, let’s high five then!”
The girls all joined hands in the air.
“Oh, River, look at how all grown up you are.” Sophie’s country whine came from the kitchen.
“Auntie!” River shuffled across the floor and gave her auntie a big hug.
Sophie squealed. “I can’t believe you’re really here. It’s so nice to see you. Oh, my goodness, your nokomis was just telling me the other day how you are going to be working on your jingle dress and dancing at the powwow. That is just awesome. I’ve been working on the girls’ fancy shawl regalia too. I know they’re half breeds, but that’s okay. They can dance at the powwow. Like you, right? Maybe you can teach them a few steps!” She let go of River’s arms and walked back to the soup, still talking. “And you’re going to come and spend some time with us, right? And come and play with the girls — oh, they would love that so much. They have only been out of school for two weeks and they are already driving me nuts — I mean, getting bored.”
“Yeah, I’d love to.” River smiled politely at the girls.
“Okay, honey. Well, you get out there with your dad and Uncle Dean. I’ll see you at lunch. I made your dad’s favourite corn soup and bannock.”
“Yeah. I’ve been eating bannock since I got here. I better get out there and work some of it off.”
“Oh, nonsense, girl, you have your mother’s figure.” Sophie smiled too wide. And stirred her soup. Quickly.
Chapter 11 I am a Half Breed
Aabtoozii ndaaw
River put the car in park in her grandmother’s driveway. Her nokomis waved from the kitchen window. River fake-smiled and waved back. It had been a long day.
She turned to Eric. “Seriously, Dad, that was the strangest visit today with Sophie. What is up with her?”
Eric unwrapped a piece of gum and popped it in his mouth. He chewed as he spoke. “I think she’s just really stressed out.”
“Let me guess. Is it because Uncle Dean starts drinking the moment he wakes up?” Sarcasm entered River’s voice. “Hmm, or could it be that she has her sister’s ‘half breed kids,’ as she puts it, because nobody knows where their mother is? I mean I’m a half breed, but I haven’t heard that term since I was teased in grade school.” River suddenly realized she was talking to one of the parents who made her a “half breed.” “Sorry, Dad. But the way Sophie acted made me so mad!”
Eric threw the crumpled gum wrapper into the console of the car. “No one is perfect, my girl. And your uncle and aunt have their stuff, just like we all do.” He looked at her and gently said, “Aren’t you here in my car because you have stuff at home too?”
River felt a little ashamed. “I know, I totally shouldn’t judge. I just think Sophie shouldn’t be saying the girls are half breed, at least not in the presence of the girls. It reminds me of when Nokomis used to talk about my weight in front of me to other adults, shaming me because I was a chubby kid. Geez, Sophie even commented on my weight!”
“I see you have some feelings, Riv. Do you want to talk about what is bothering you? Is it really because Sophie made a joke about the kids being half breeds?”
River paused to work through her own thoughts. “Dad, where’s Sophie’s sister?”
“No one knows, my girl. They aren’t sure if she took off because it just got to be too much for her. Or if she actually might be missing. She does this from time to time, takes off to be alone. She’s a troubled soul. They reported her missing just in case.”
“I can’t believe this, Dad. This is so crazy. So Sophie will just keep the kids until she shows up? Even if she never does?”
“Yep.”
“Why?” River rolled down her window. A warm breeze dried the beads of sweat trickling down her cheek.
“Why what?” Eric asked.
“Why is it like this? Why are there so many broken families on the rez? And so many people who drink their problems away? Seriously, Dad, why?”
“Oh, my girl, there are so many reasons. And it’s not just on the rez. It happens regardless of race. Wanna talk about it over tea tonight?”
“I know that it’s not just here. But, yeah, I’d like to know what you think.”
“I think your nokomis might have a softer perspective too,” Eric added.
“Okay,” River agreed.
“Hey, thanks for your help today, kiddo. I can tell your mama did a good job raising you on that farm. I can tell you are a hard worker.”
At the thought of the farm, River looked away so he wouldn’t see the start of tears.
“And maybe we can talk about that tonight too, hey?”
“Mm-hmm,” River mumbled.
“I’m going in for a nice cold lemonade. Want me to bring you some?”
River could only nod. She looked in the mirror and dried her eyes as her dad disappeared into the house.
He returned with lemons and ice clinking in glass tumblers. He passed River her glass through the car window.
“I know it might be weird timing to ask you this. But I was also wondering if you wanted to head into Winnipeg with me next week. There’s a band playing, and I would love to go see them. I might bring my guitar and play too. There’s an open mic jam session.”
“Um . . . don’t I have to be nineteen to get into a bar?” River sipped her lemonade and made a sour face.
“Not in Manitoba. You only have to be eighteen. Rules are a little different here.” He winked and mimed toasting her with his glass.
“Yeah and the stop lights are weird too!” River laughed. “Sure! What do I wear? I’ve never been to a bar before. Is it like fancy? Or can I just wear my jeans and T-shirt?”
“You can wear whatever you like. But, yeah, jeans and a T-shirt are fine.”
“Okay.” River knew her dad was trying to change the subject by asking her to go out. But she thought she’d give it one more try. “But, Dad, can you give me a short answer? Why are the things the way they are on the rez?”
“You don’t give up, eh? Persistent like your mom too, I see.”
River stared.
“Okay, okay, short answer, my girl. Residential schools. And the intergenerational effects.”
“I don’t even know what that means. And how can the residential schools be the cause of so many different problems? How? I don’t get it.”
“That would make my short answer a long one, my girl.”
“I’m listening.”
“I said we can talk about it tonight.”
“DAD!”
Eric leaned on the hood of the car. “Fine. People who went to residential school, or people from the Sixties Scoop, they still have a hard time with ‘normal’ family stuff. They didn’t grow up with a strong loving family. They suffered abuse. Lots of it. People died. And it doesn’t just affect them. It affects the whole family. All of their kids. Their grandkids. I think that maybe you still suffer from your grandmother’s experience at residential school, or mine. I was not able to provide a stable loving home for you or your mother. And that’s because of what I went through. It’s hard to create a stable family without self-compassion. And it’s hard to have self-compassion when you come out of a situation like we did.”
