Shades of Blue, page 4
"Alright," Jasper said at last.
Blue nodded once, and then they continued on their way. It was not too long for them to reach Blue's house. The lights inside were on, and Blue knew her parents had just finished having dinner.
"Wanna hang out tomorrow?" Jasper asked her before she could say goodbye "We could go to Darren's house, watch movies or something."
"Shouldn't you ask Darren before offering his house to hang out?" Blue asked, unable to stop a smile.
"He won't mind." Jasper shrugged "Darren and Rio will be there."
"I work tomorrow."
"It’ll be at night,” Jasper said right away. “Darren and I also work tomorrow.”
“I’m not sure...” Blue trailed off.
“Well...here." Jasper fished out his phone from his pocket and handed it to Blue. "Save your number. I'll send you a text so you have mine and you can tell me tomorrow if you can."
"Alright." Blue took his phone and saved her phone number on it.
"Thanks." Jasper smiled and started to back away. "Have a good night Blue"
"Goodbye Jasper."
Zaffre
Chapter Seven
Sunday came much faster than Blue expected and at the same time, it came very slowly. Time worked in weird ways whenever Blue thought about it. She had spent all night trying to keep her mind off the conversation she had with Jasper. He remembered. He remembered seeing her that night a year ago, remembered stopping her from jumping off a bridge. Blue had grown used to the idea that Jasper had forgotten. He had not recognized her when they met again weeks before, and Blue was alright with that. She thought it was better, better because that meant Jasper had no judgments towards her. That meant he did not know how seriously messed up she was.
But now...now he remembered.
Blue had spent all night freaking out. Her mind had been foggy and she had trouble breathing. She had forced herself to sit on the cold floor of her bathroom and get some control over her thoughts. The coldness of the tiles against the bare skin of her feet helped her. When she finally managed to calm down and go to bed, it was well past midnight. And even then she had tossed and turned in her sleep. Barely getting a blink of sleep, she woke up exhausted Sunday morning.
"What are your plans for today, Cordelia?" Her father asked.
"My name is Blue" Blue insisted.
"Of course." her father nodded, but his voice sounded so absentminded that Blue could not help but feel like he was not really listening.
"Well, I have work." Blue explained. “and afterward, I’m going out with some friends.”
"Well look at you!" Her mother said, looking up from the newspaper she was reading. "Since when are you a social butterfly?"
"Who are these friends of yours?" Blue's father asked.
"Jasper, Rio, and Darren," Blue said, ignoring her mother's comment. "I've told you about them. I helped Rio with some photos, Darren and Jasper work at a bookshop."
"You’re still hanging out with them, then?." Her mother asked softly.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Blue demanded, suddenly feeling defensive.
"All I am saying is that it is unlike you." Blue's mother replied.
"Is it so weird that I have friends?" Blue frowned, looking down at her food.
"Of course not!" Her father said quickly.
"We are happy you’re making friends." Her mother amended.
"Right," Blue nodded, pushing her plate away. "I have to go."
Blue made her way upstairs to her room, without waiting for a reply. They didn't call after her, so they were also letting go of that conversation. Closing the door of her room, she leaned against it and slid to the floor. Pulling her knees up to her chest, Blue breathed out deeply.
"Relax." She whispered into the silence of her room. "Don't freak out."
She closed her eyes, trying to keep the tears from sliding down her cheeks. She didn't even know why she felt like crying, but suddenly everything felt too overwhelming for her.
The thought that her parents were surprised by her having friends was upsetting. She thought it wasn't so weird, or at least not so hard to believe. She'd have friends before. Maybe she didn't hang out with them so often, but she wasn't a loner that had no friends.
But the more she thought about it, the more it all became clear. She didn't have friends. Sure, she had people that were friendly to her. People back in high school had been nice enough, but she didn't really have anyone with whom she spent time with outside of school. Her co-workers at The Coffeehouse were nice enough, but it all was limited to the working space they shared. Blue had no friends.
The thought sent an ache through her chest that left her hollow after it passed.
"Don't cry," Blue whispered, closing her eyes even tighter. "don't you dare cry!"
A few tears escaped from the corners of her eyes, but after a while, she calmed down enough to open her eyes. Blinking a few times, Blue let her head hang back, bumping against the door of her room. She stared at the ceiling of her room for a moment, not really looking at something specific.
Jasper, Rio, and Darren were her friends. Or well...something close enough. Blue didn't know them that well, and none of them knew her real name. They knew basic things about each other, but she didn't know what was Jasper's favorite color, or Darren's favorite food, or what kind of shows Rio liked to watch. None of them knew those things from her either. But they've hung out a few times, and they kept inviting her to come along. They were becoming friends, and that was enough for Blue.
◆◆◆
Darren's house was a small thing.
The four of them had gotten together at the bookshop, and from there Darren had driven them to his house. Darren was the only one that owned a car. He kept insisting it was his family's car, but he was the only one that used it.
His house was just as humble as his small car. Blue found the place cute. It was a one-floor structure. The front door leading directly to the living room. There was a door that led to the kitchen, and another one led to a small hallway where all the bedrooms could be found. They had a small backyard with a set of swings.
"It's just my mom, my sister, and me," Darren explained to her.
"It's nice." Blue smiled at him "It's homey."
"I've lived here practically my whole life."
The living room was filled with photographs. Blue could see photos of Darren from different ages, as well as his sister. Their mother appeared in a few, and their grandparents. There were no traces of their father, and Blue did not dare to ask about him.
"How old is your sister?"
"She just turned ten," Darren said.
"She's adorable!" Blue gushed.
"She's my little model." Rio grinned, throwing herself into the sofa. "She likes it when I make her clothes...she's so tiny I don't need too much fabric!"
"Zoë would prefer to have Rio as a sister than me as her brother." Darren shook his head, moving to the kitchen to get them all something to drink.
When Blue asked about his mother and sister, Darren explained they were out visiting an aunt and that they would be back the next day
Darren cooked some dinner for them while Blue, Jasper, and Rio lounged around the kitchen pretending to help him. None of them were any good at cooking, so Darren quickly told them to let him do it by himself. Jasper started telling Blue how his own mother adored Darren because he would always help in the kitchen whenever he went to Jasper's home.
"How long have you guys known each other?" Blue asked them.
"I've known Rio since middle school," Jasper explained.
"We met Darren freshman year in high school." Rio grinned "We've been inseparable ever since."
The three of them started sharing various memories of their times at school. Blue listened and laughed at their jokes and asked things here and there, but on the inside, the hollow feeling was growing. She knew they were just trying to include her, let her into their lives. She was grateful for that, but she could not stop the little voice in the back of her head that told her they were just being nice. Blue felt like she didn’t belong there, like she was intruding in their small group. She felt like she was looking at everything from the outside like she was not really present.
"We have to go out, you guys!" Rio exclaimed sometime during a movie they had started watching later on the day.
"Go out where?" Jasper asked.
They were all sitting on the sofa in front of the TV. They've had lunch and then they've moved to the living room to watch a movie.
"Somewhere that is not the bookshop of The Coffeehouse," Rio answered.
"We don't have many spots to hang out." Darren pointed out.
"Exactly!" Rio exclaimed. "We need a change in scenery."
"Well, where do you suggest we go?" Jasper asked again.
"A friend of mine is having a gathering in his house Friday night," Rio started to explain.
"You mean a party." Darren frowned.
"We're not going to drink!" Rio said quickly, already knowing Darren’s complaints. "Just hang out...it'll be fun!"
"I guess it can't hurt." Jasper nodded. “I’m in.”
"Yay!" Rio exclaimed. "What do you say, Blue? Are you in?"
Blue hesitated for a moment before answering. Parties were not her scene...at all. She didn't like crowds or drunk people. She had no doubts alcohol would find its way into the party, and Blue did not like the idea of being involved in that. But then again, she had promised herself that she would try new things. That she would not follow her usual patterns, that she would be out there like normal people. She may not feel like she belonged there, but she would be damned if she didn’t at least try to fit in.
"I guess it can be fun," Blue said nervously.
"It's settled!" Rio grinned. "On Friday, we are going out and we'll have fun!"
Teal
Chapter Eight
Friday night came faster than Blue expected. She had spent all day with a nervous knot inside of her stomach. She had the late shift at The Coffeehouse and after closing, she met with Rio, Darren, and Jasper. The three of them took Darren’s car and made their way to the house of someone Blue didn't know. Rio insisted she was friends with the one that lived in the house, but it didn't make Blue feel any less nervous. She took a deep breath and stepped out of the car.
Even from outside the house, she noticed the too-loud music and that it was packed with people. Being inside was even worse. There was barely any walking space. People holding red cups were walking all around, cheering and screaming when they saw one another. Rio disappeared instantly, moving to greet people she knew. Blue stayed behind, moving closer to the walls in an attempt to stay away from bumping into somebody. She made sure to keep close to Jasper and Darren, not wanting them to disappear as well and leave her alone in a stranger's house.
"I'm getting a drink," Darren announced. "do any of you want anything?"
"No thank you," Jasper responded loudly, trying to speak over the music.
Blue just shook her head quietly. Darren shrugged and was off towards the kitchen. Blue swallowed once, fidgeting with the sleeves of her sweater. She was starting to regret coming into the party. It didn't matter that she had come with Rio, Darren, and Jasper. She felt uncomfortable all over. She knew she was breathing loudly, her chest felt tight, and her hands were starting to get sweaty.
Jasper, thankfully, stayed close to her. Taking hold of her arm, he started to lead her deeper inside the house until they found a seat available. He sat down and quickly started chatting with the people around him. Blue sat next to him, looking around the place with wide eyes. She kept glancing at the kitchen in the hopes of seeing Rio and Darren, but the number of people around her was starting to overwhelm her.
She turned her attention to the center of the room, where people had started dancing. The lights were low, so it was practically dark inside. The music seemed to get even louder. The crowds bumped against each other. Blue's eyes moved frantically around the room, and suddenly the air was too thick. She swallowed again, her eyes moving even faster as she took everything in. She knew Jasper was next to her, but she felt like she was on her own in there. She felt like people were too close, like there was no space between them and it got harder for her to breathe. She gasped for breath, but her lungs seemed to be unable to get enough air. She blinked once, twice, her sight turning blurry. Her hands were still hidden underneath the sleeves of her sweater, but she felt the familiar pins and needles on them as they turned numb.
She heard a voice coming from her side, but everything seemed so far away and so close at the same time that she could not make sense of what was happening. She tried to get control, she knew she was panicking and that her anxiety was getting even worse. She felt hands taking hold of her arms, and suddenly she was lifted from the sofa she had been sitting. She barely registered as the person that had taken hold of her pulled her out of the room and out of the house. Her body felt heavy and she couldn’t make it function properly. Whoever had a hold of her was probably dragging her, but she could not make enough sense of it to fight against it. It wasn't until they were several paces away from the house that her knees crumbled underneath her. The person next to her grabbed her just in time and then helped her to sit down on the sidewalk.
Blue pulled her knees close to her chest, burying her head in them. She knew what to do, she knew the breathing exercises and everything to pull herself out of the panic, but actually doing it was much harder. She breathed in and out many times, her breath shuddering and panting violently. She didn’t know how long she stayed that way, but at some point, she was able to breathe properly again. Looking up she noticed her vision was clearing up and her hands didn't feel as numb as they had been. She was still shaking though, her whole body trembling just slightly.
"Blue?"
It was until that moment that she realized it was Jasper that had taken her out of the party. Blue closed her eyes once more, taking in a shaky breath. She turned towards Jasper, only daring to look at his face quickly before turning away from him.
"Are you okay?" He asked softly.
His hands were hovering awkwardly in front of him, almost like he wanted to touch her but did not dare to. Blue swallowed and then nodded.
"I-I'm fine" Blue whispered.
"I don't think I believe you," Jasper said with a concerned frown.
"I just..." Blue trailed off, shaking her head. "I just needed to get out. Thank you."
Jasper observed her for a moment, deciding not to comment further. Instead, he stood up and helped her get up. The two of them walked away from the house until they reached a small park that was part of the neighborhood. They walked around for a bit, none of them talking. The fresh air helped Blue to calm down even more and her trembling had stopped altogether.
"You were having a panic attack," Jasper said. "What happened?"
"It happens sometimes. When I'm in big crowds." Blue said tiredly.
"You should have said something. We wouldn't have come here if we knew it made you uncomfortable."
"It doesn't," Blue shook her head quickly. "It shouldn't."
"It's normal," Jasper tried to comfort her.
"It's not!" Blue burst out. "It's not normal. It didn't happen to you! Or Rio, or Darren! It happened to nobody in that party, but it happened to me!"
"We all react differently and we're all affected by different things."
"Well, I hate it." Blue huffed, frustrated. "I hate how much this… this thing inside me stops me from being normal. I’m trying, you know? I'm trying so damn hard to change it. To act normal, for once. But no matter how much I tell myself it's all just in my head, or that I'm overreacting… it changes nothing. And I'm so tired of dealing with it. I'm so tired of being weak and pathetic..."
"You’re not weak or pathetic," Jasper whispered. "whatever it is you're dealing with… you can’t just push it aside and forget about. You just can't. The weight of it will push you down until there's nothing left of you. You need help, you need friends. You can talk to us, we’re your friends. Needing help does not make you weak."
Blue did not realize she was crying until she felt the salty taste of her tears against her lips. At some point, they had taken a seat in one of the benches around the park. She pressed her hands to her eyes in an attempt to stop the tears, sniffing, and trying to get her breathing in order. She could feel Jasper shifting uncomfortably next to her as if he was unsure how to comfort her. Before Jasper could make up his mind, his phone started to ring.
The sound cut through the silence like a knife, so suddenly that both of them jumped in slight fright. Jasper took it out of his pocket, glancing at it and noticing it was Jasper calling him.
"Yeah?" He said as an answer.
"Have you seen Blue?" Darren asked on the other side of the line. "I can't find her and Rio says she hasn't seen her either."
"Yeah, I'm with her," Jasper said, glancing at Blue sitting next to him.
"Where are you?" Darren asked then.
"We left the party." Jasper sighed. "Blue wasn't feeling too well."
"Oh...is she alright?"
"She's good." Jasper nodded, even though Darren could not see him. "We're not too far away...I still need to drive you guys home."
"Yeah, sure." Darren replied, "I'll get Rio."
"Cool. We're on our way back."
He hung up the phone and stood up. Blue stared at him for a moment, before standing up as well. She wiped her eyes and nose once more and took a deep breath. She needed to get under control before Jasper and Rio saw her. It would not do to have them questioning her about what happened.
"You alright?" Jasper asked.
"Yeah. I'm good." Blue nodded quickly.
They made their way back to the party. She could feel Jasper glancing at her now and then as if he was afraid she was going to have another attack. She tried to shrug it off, not be affected by his glances.
"There you are!" Rio called as soon as she saw them approaching.
"Sorry for leaving," Jasper told her "I was going to text you."
