Family, page 12
Everything ate at her and while she knew the others were talking over options, she avoided it. The idea of another world wasn't anything she was ready to talk about, despite dreams and long buried desires. Exposing that part of herself felt too raw, too vulnerable. She hurt enough right now.
In an effort to keep herself busy, plus the fact that the two couples were enough to make her crazy with their cuteness, she'd taken over most of the cooking. It gave her something to do and juggling enough food for five adults, four kids, and Rarz required her attention and frequent grocery delivery.
On a normal night, food prep and cooking were something she did with grace. That night everything went wrong in the kitchen. The rice boiled over, the oven was set to broil instead of bake, the vegetables had rotted, and she dropped the bowl of chili on the way to the table. Everyone pitched in to help mitigate the disaster, but the cascade of stupid, small, petty disasters broke her ability to stay quiet and deal. "When can we go home?" she asked in the middle of the meal. All conversation froze as everyone looked at her. "What? We're trapped here as their token, controlled Shifters. They don't need us anymore; they don't want us. Hell, I won't go back even if they beg. Too many people know we're here and I'm ready to go home. They have even reduced Rarz to phone calls, scared of him being seen with them. I don't want to be here anymore." Toni struggled to not whine, to keep it as logical statements, but her voice trembled.
I want to go home. Is that so much to ask?
"We have the money. So I guess anytime. Though we probably can't expect the government to pay our way back and airfare is still expensive right now." McKenna said, a thoughtful tone to her voice.
"Is there a reason Rarz can't port us back? He never agreed to quit porting, regardless of what they think." Toni didn't know how or why Rarz seemed to have moved in, but he had. Slowly mimicking their habits. He'd taken Cass's room when she had moved in with JD. How he fit in, she wasn’t sure, but he had become a part of them in the last week without her ever making the conscious decision to include him. But since the day Carina died, he'd just been there. Part of their odd little group. A part she'd come to depend on.
"If you can show me the location, I can take you there." His voice soft but again that undertone of power. "Though are you sure that is where you want to go?"
"Well, I have no desire to stay here. We did what we set out to do. The immediate threat is over. I can't fight what the world thinks of me. I'm tired of the clothes I'm wearing. I'm tired of so many people. I'm tired of strange beds. I'm just tired. I want to go home." Toni was horrified to realize she was close to tears and slammed her eyes shut and focused on breathing. She felt a hand take hers and squeeze. She didn’t have to look to know who held her hand. Cass was always the one with her heart on her sleeve and the more precious for it.
When she felt like she wouldn't break down into tears Toni opened her eyes and looked at everyone. The others looked like they agreed with her general sentiments, if not the almost tears.
"Toni's right. It's time to go home. Rarz, if they still need us occasionally are you willing to port us back here? Though from the last conversation with Burby that would surprise me." McKenna asked, but she didn't look as happy about the idea as Toni expected.
"Of course. But you did not answer my question. Are you sure your home is where you want to go?"
At this point all of them looked at him, a bit confused. After glancing at each other McKenna broke the odd pall. "Where else would we go?"
Rarz smiled, showing off teeth that weren't quite human. "My world? Other worlds? Remember we have entire worlds that need to be more populated. Or others with no population at all that could be colonized. I have informed your leaders that the negative reactions being fostered in your media has dissuaded many of my people from having any desire to come here. The latest rise in violence is very concerning. But there are many who would welcome new colonists or even just visitors. But we need people on these worlds before all the infrastructure created falls into pieces."
Toni felt her mental world view realign. Even his previous comments hadn't really registered as more than a joke. But Rarz didn't joke, not like that.
"Wait. While you've talked about it, you can't mean just walk out the door and move into another world. Just settle like that. It would take time and planning. We can't just say okay and go to another planet like the way you would visit another city."
Visit the planet with two moons? See the purple sky for myself?
She didn’t know why it had never occurred to her. Why she hadn't asked to go there. To let the kids see it.
"Why not? You came here with as little planning?" He sounded so calm and reasonable, it terrified her. It couldn't be that easy.
"We could see many dragons?" Nam asked leaning against Jamie a bit, her eyes wide.
"Yes. In all the colors of your rainbows. They would delight in nestlings. So many of ours have been killed."
An aura of hope and wonder sprung up around the table, but before anyone could say anything Toni interjected.
"Not yet. We need to go home and see if we even have lives anymore. JD might be able to salvage something from his damaged house. None of us have jobs, but we still have responsibilities, things we need to do. The money the government gave us will last for a while. But for right now I want to go home. Sleep in my own bed and see what life can be. See how bad it is before we run away from our world." She didn't voice her fears or concerns or how very much the idea tempted her. If she had been single, no kids, her answer might have been different, but right now she needed familiar places.
"Toni has a point. I need to see if my house is standing," Perc said, his voice thoughtful. "Talk to my friends and parents. I don't know if I could just walk away from them."
"Helena and the kids are clamoring to see me," Cass spoke and reached out to touch JD. "Well, us. Yes, I think we need to go home first," she finished looking at them. "Then decide. If nothing else, maybe a mini vacation in a few weeks. Exotic travel? Strange new places?"
Toni would have sworn Rarz looked disappointed, but he only shrugged and went back to eating. Everyone pitched in to do dishes after dinner, then drifted to their own things when done. Toni stood in the kitchen, looking out at the backyard of a place that wasn't hers. Driven by fear, constant change, and the ache for purple skies, the rest of her patience snapped. ~Kids pack up. Grab your clothes, we're sleeping in our beds tonight.~
~You sure?~ McKenna asked. Toni could hear the worry in her voice, but she needed to get away, to have some space, to figure out what to do. She'd been so pulled with the tide of events, now she needed to think, away from everyone.
~Yes, I need out of here before I lose it. Everywhere I look I see Carina. I don't know if home will be any better, but it can't be any worse and I need to go through all her stuff too. Send stuff to her parents~
~Understood. We'll pack tomorrow. You go. Let me know if you need anything.~
Toni turned and just like she'd known he would be, Rarz stood there looking at her. "Can you open a portal to my home? Please?"
For a heartbeat she thought he might refuse, but his head tilted looking at her. "Find it. Picture it in your mind. Feel it."
She did. Home. The house she and Jeff bought. Where her kids had lived. Where they had all lived. She knew every wall and wanted to be there.
The familiar swirl of portal energy tugged at her senses and she opened her eyes, not remembering when she'd closed them, to see the portal standing there next to her.
"We should go through first to make sure it is the right place. I will keep it open." Toni took one minute to grab her purse, everything else she would have at home.
She nodded at him and he stepped through. One breath later she followed. The portal tugged and pulled, and she almost reached for it. She craved to play with the energies that flirted at the corners of her mind, but a whiff of warm air caught her attention and she stepped out into the California sun. The golden light, somehow warmer than in Baltimore caressed everything. The familiar smells, the sight of the Sierras, the warm breeze wrapped around her, pulling her into her home.
Toni tilted her head up, eyes closed, feeling the caress of sun on her face and a tiny part of her soul un-knotted.
Home. I'm home.
She opened her eyes and doubt slithered in.
But for how long. Or is it really home anymore?
16
Grass is Greener
Rumblings in the highest levels of the government are talking about committees to address the status of Shifters in our society. China has already stated that from henceforth Shifters have a "less than zero status" and will be ejected from their country if found. This turnabout doesn't surprise many. China has always been moderately xenophobic as most Oriental cultures have been historically. Given the devastation the invasion had on both their leadership and their infrastructure, it is almost expected. If you are a Shifter you should avoid the orient for the foreseeable future. Though given current social view of Shifters, traveling as an "out" Shifter is asking for trouble. ~TNN World News
* * *
Toni didn't know how long she stood there before she shook herself and turned to look at the swirling oval. ~Jessi, Jamie, come on. The house is here.~
They didn't say anything, but she could feel the ripple of resentment as they trudged out of the portal. Even though Jamie looked back at the opening, his eyes narrowed, neither of them seemed excited at all.
Toni resisted the urge to scream. ~Rarz, close the portal. We'll be fine,~ she replied mentally as she looked at her house. The front lawn needed mowing desperately, which meant the back yard was worse. Somehow the entire house just looked sadder than when she'd left.
~Are you sure? I could come with you.~ He offered, and she felt an odd note of hope in his tone. She pushed it aside, entertaining the alien was not her job.
~Nope. We're good. This is just family stuff.~ She replied distracted by the weeds growing up in her driveway and a cracked windowpane in the front window. At least her garbage cans had been in the garage where her car should be.
~Ah. Very well then. You may call if you need.~
~Will do,~ she responded. She wasn't paying much attention to Rarz or his responses, too filled with relief and worry about being home. A mixed sense of dread and excitement filled her as she unlocked the house. The kids lingering behind her, their very silence evidence of pouting.
As she pushed the door open, a whiff of warm stale air escaped along with the smell of rotting food.
"Crap," she muttered. "Must have lost power while we were gone. Things went bad." She sighed but walked in, heading for the back door to open it and air the house out. The twins followed her, making every step seem like they were fighting against gravity.
"I don't want to stay here. Can we go back to the others? I want Charley," Jessi whined. Toni didn't have to turn around to know Jamie was nodding with his sister, the same pouting look on this face.
"No. This is our home and first thing we are doing to do is get it cleaned up. So go. Put your bags in your bedroom. Then get trash cans and trash bags. You get to help me clean out all the rotting food."
"But Mom—" Jessi broke off when Toni turned and gave her daughter an uncompromising look.
"This is not up for debate. You will do as I said, and I do not want to hear another word about it." Her voice hard and cold. They both sagged and trudged into their bedrooms.
You'd think I'd said they could never see them again. Not like I don't know they are chattering away in their minds right now. I just want to spend some time as just us. As just my family.
Even with the kids sulking and moving as slowly as they could, in three hours she had the expired and rotted food in the garbage cans and sitting on the curb, a load of laundry going, and clean unworn clothes on all of them. Jessi wore a newish shirt and seemed a bit happier with clothes she hadn't worn for the last month. They'd only taken about a week of clothes with them, so wearing something 'new' felt wonderful. Jamie had grabbed a book he had not packed and apparently not read.
While their resentment still lingered, at least they seemed a bit happier with familiar things around them.
"What do you say to Chinese delivery and a movie tonight? Then sleep in our own beds? We've got a busy day tomorrow." She offered, knowing they had a weakness for the nearby delivery place.
The two exchanged looks, shoulders sagged, as they replied," Sure, Mom."
I am not torturing them! I just want time, alone time, with my kids.
Fighting back anger, frustration, and to her surprise tears, Toni ordered their favorites and pulled up the streaming service. "Want to see what’s new that you want to see?" She handed them the remote and went to change into comfy cuddle clothes. When she came back out, they had decided, something animated from Pixar. Either way, there were no dragons or aliens in it, so she approved of their choice. It wouldn't cause memories or questions, she hoped.
They curled up, watched the movie, ate Chinese food, and for an hour Toni felt like her world had almost gone back to normal. This felt familiar, safe, though she missed the feeling of Carina. Often she'd be gone on the weekends, so for now she could pretend.
"That was fun. Tomorrow we need to go through Carina's stuff and start shipping things and packing up the rest. Is there anything you want to keep?" She hated making them go through the process this fast, but her loved ones had already waited too long.
"Maybe. But tomorrow we get to go back to Charley and Nam, right? We stay tonight here and go back tomorrow?" The tension in Jessi's face created a ripple of worry through Toni.
"No. We have stuff to do here. You can talk to them, but you don't need to see them every day. In a few days maybe."
Jessi's lower lip began to quiver, and Toni watched in surprise. Unsure if her stoic, stubborn daughter was about to cry or throw a tantrum. Jamie reached out and touched her arm. Nothing else. The quivering stopped and Jessi just turned and walked into her room, closing the door quietly.
Jamie didn't say a word, just followed and did the same thing. Of everything, it was the silent door closing that freaked Toni out the most. She cleaned up the dishes, needing to occupy her thoughts. She checked on the kids, but if they were awake, they were faking sleep really well. It struck her as odd to see them in a bed by themselves.
Toni chased sleep, feeling like she was making a huge mistake but she couldn't figure out where she'd gone wrong.
The next morning the twins were up waiting for her, again overly silent in a way that reminded her too much of their animal natures. In an odd way she almost wished they would throw a tantrum, that at least she knew how to deal with. There wasn't much to cook with, but with dried milk and pancake mix she managed to get them something to eat. They would have to go shopping today if they didn't want to live on canned foods.
With a bit of chivying, threats, and muttered curses, they went to work on Carina's room. She pretended not to see the twin's tears after the first time she tried to hug them and they pulled away, and they didn't comment on hers. She found the Bible, and Carina's confirmation jewelry. She created that box with a few other objects she knew the Watkins would want. The kids each took something small, Jessi a plush monster Carina had kept on her desk and Jamie took her book of photos from the Hubble space telescope.
None of them talked much, though the sulking and slow movements drove her crazy. Toni knew they were talking to the other kids, but she enjoyed the relative silence as they packed up the proof Carina had existed. Her friends had texted things they wanted, and she had boxes for everything. Her packrat preparation tendencies had made her break down all the boxes from when they had moved in. By noon they were done. A stack of roughly a dozen boxes sat waiting to be mailed and all of them were hungry. The grumbling stomachs reinforced that.
"I'm going to go see if the car starts. Then we're going to drop these off, get lunch and go shopping." She gave them a stern mom look, which felt odd. Lately, with the other two kids around, they were almost never poorly behaved. Today had been the worst in months if not years.
"Can Nam and Charley come now?" Jamie asked, and it took all her control to not yell.
"No. This is our time. They’re with McKenna and the others. I just wanted to enjoy some us time. Okay?" She fought to not let her frustration and jealousy leak through.
Seriously, how the hell I am jealous about how much they'd rather be with others?
They sagged again but nodded. To her relief, the car started, but the red fuel light made gas her first stop. With the kids buckled into their booster seats, the ones in Baltimore had been new, she pulled out, headed into Rossville. She drove slowly, wanting a chance to look around, to see what might have changed. Traffic was light compared to what it might have been a month ago, but busier than she'd seen it during the invasion. It felt good to see the familiar landmarks, stores that she knew, and the smells of the area. Though as she filled up the car, she admitted she hadn't missed the higher gas prices.
"Okay kids, what're you hungry for?"
There was shifting in the seats and she saw them looking at each other for a minute, then Jessi declared, "Pizza." A choice that surprised Toni not at all. Though she wasn't up to a kid pizza place. After filling up and a quick stop at the post office where they did help her bring in all the packages, she headed for lunch. She took them to Rico's, a small mom and pop shop where she usually got takeout. As far as she was concerned it was the best pizza in the area.
