Quantum Poppers, page 17
‘I just want to look, take you in. Nothing wrong with that is there?’
‘Of course not, just not used to it.’
‘Being looked at?’
‘Just the attention.’
‘I’ll ensure you’ll never want for it again.’
‘I’ll hold you to that,’ said Caroline and finally smiled a genuine smile. ‘You seem different, both less and more at the same time.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘Well, you look a state, and seem sad, but it’s like there’s a new you wanting to get out.’
‘I couldn’t have put it better myself. This past couple of weeks has been like a rebirth. Will be worth it all to get one more chance to appreciate life with you and the kids.’
‘Maybe whatever you were up to will have been worth it then.’
‘I hope so. How have you been?’
‘These past couple weeks? Worried sick. We tried to continue as normal, but it’s hard. Kids need their dad. Wife needs her man.’
‘How have things been over the last year?’
The smile Caroline was beginning to cast faltered.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I just mean in general. The past year. Have you been happy?’
‘Of course...I had you. That’s all I ever wanted. Weren’t you happy?’
‘Of course, I had you.’ At least someone did, he thought, briefly glancing around the room for any more signs of a life spent here without him. He forced himself not to look too closely, it was after all the last thing he needed reminding off. With the exception of seeing his kids there was still one more person he needed to find.
‘How will work be?’ said Caroline. ‘Did you tell them you were going away?’
‘No, it all happened rather quick. I think they’ll be fine. I want to pop there in a bit to speak to them face to face. That will be for the best.’
‘Have you at least called them?’
‘Of course, but I need to see them.’
‘Maybe you could go tomorrow?’
‘I think I should go as soon as possible.’
‘I don’t think one more day is going to make any difference to how they treat you.’
John nodded and took this in, weighing up the possibilities. Returning to work in any capacity was never an appealing option but it was the one place he felt he needed to go. Finding his other self was still a priority, and whilst the fact that this John was most likely in custody similar to his recent own, it was the only logical place to go. But could he wait one more day? It was the sad smile emanating from Caroline that concreted his decision. Finding the imposter, or even Bartley, for any semblance of answers was secondary to one more night as family man with his wife and kids.
‘Of course, tomorrow, I’ll go first thing. Could you take me there?’
‘I can’t, I have work. Laura’s off sick so I can’t be late, but you can have the car. Train even?’
‘I suppose. Or I could walk.’
‘Twenty-five miles? I’d like to see that.’
‘You’re right; I’ll worry about it in the morning. Let’s not worry about how I’m getting to work,’ - or where it is for that matter – ‘let’s enjoy this moment.’
Caroline’s smile returned and almost managed to trigger the same within him. It truly was good to be home, despite the unanswered questions and unsure future that lay ahead.
‘The kids,’ she suddenly shouted, getting to her feet. ‘I totally forgot, I need to collect them from school.’
She stood up, her robe flapping open and her damp hair sticking to her face like velcro.
‘I’ll go,’ John said, himself getting to his feet.
‘Are you sure? They would be pleased to see you.’
‘Of course, I’ll run up there now. Montgomery.’ He said this almost as a question. He may have switched work over the last year but it was unlikely the girls had moved schools. This was certainly in walking distance and Caroline’s vague nod and smile indicated that his saying this name wasn’t out of place.
‘Thanks, that would be great. I suggest you grab a change of clothes; will be quicker than me drying off and sorting myself out.’
John agreed. A change of clothes and comb of his hair (which still had remnants of the thick garden brambles stuck to it like needles in a pincushion) would be a good idea. He plucked a couple out.
Caroline nodded and turned to leave the lounge.
‘Caroline,’ said John.
She turned back. ‘Yes?’
‘I love you, I always have and I always will. This past year, these past ten years, and the future...whenever you see me, I’ll be loving you.’
‘And I love you. When you’re ready, tell me everything.’
‘I promise,’ he smiled, not caring when the moment of his disappearance would need to be explained. There were more important things to attend to now. The two most important things in the world. Caroline grabbed his hand, and together they left the lounge and walked upstairs.
It was amazing how refreshed and invigorating a change of clothes could be, although not as invigorating as the glimpse of Caroline’s naked back as she dropped her robe before entering the bathroom to finish drying down. He had only grabbed clothes he remembered purchasing himself. The Other John had been busy with the credit card (or more likely Caroline had for him) and had purchased a virtually new wardrobe in the time he’d been away. John would no doubt have purchased the same, but these represented additional reminders of decisions and events that had taken place without him. He grabbed a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that had been pushed to the back of the wardrobe.
On his way out he paused on the doorstep. If they were to take him...then they could take him. It was worth the risk just to be the person his kids saw when they left school. There were more cars in the street, none he recognised, but virtually all would have been from parents collecting their kids from the nearby school. Twenty Two Brooking Lane was the marker where the double yellow lines ended and the tranche of cars belonging to parents who didn’t believe in letting their kids walk all the way home began.
He had taken one last look around, still expecting masked figures to swoop down from the trees, or mirrored cars to pull up in front of his house; armed troops shoving his head down as he was thrown in the back. An omen-like wind had grown from the east and the sound of approaching traffic filled the air, but all appeared calm.
And now he stood, outside Montgomery school, just another parent collecting their kids. A few pupils had managed to sneak out early and John was almost taken aback twice as cars pulled up onto the pavement beside him. Each time he expected Bartley to step out in his calm demeanour and apologise before getting his suited sidekicks to hustle him away to solitude. Each time, however, the passenger door was flung open by an aggrieved parent, shouts of Tom or James would follow, before a kid jumped in to be taken home to his evening of TV, dinner and bed.
He checked his watch, 3pm, and from the school came the sound of the end of day bell. He could imagine the relief of the kids within and how unaware they were as to the shortness of time before they returned.
He saw them straight away, as if they were spot lit amongst the throngs of children flooding out of the gate in a chattering rush. They were together, joking playfully, all smiles and contentment, leaving the school day behind them and approaching what John was praying would be further smiles and contentment back home. All of a sudden he questioned whether his return really was a good thing. Would they be pleased to see their father who had vanished for two weeks? What had Caroline told them? Were they on his side? None of it mattered. The past year fell away, drowned in the good will that exploded from Jessica and Jennifer as they saw him, their smiles growing impossibly large as they flung their arms out in unison and attacked him with hugs. He was almost swept off his feet. They didn't need to say a word, the love they showed was enough. It was almost as great as the resentment he suddenly felt for Bartley for keeping him away for so long.
It wasn’t until bedtime that he allowed the questions to come. Over dinner he and Caroline half ignored, half waved away their attempts at explanations for his whereabouts. Work related travel had been the halfhearted excuse given; Caroline too would be asking more questions soon.
Now, surrounded by an avalanche of Tiggers within the bedroom the two girls shared, he allowed the questions to come. The hum of the TV emanated from downstairs which was complimented by the moonlight that lit the scene, bathing the bunk in which Jessica and Jennifer shared in a gentle twilight - as if it were an additional comforting blanket.
It was Jessica, the younger of the two who seemed to have most questions. Perhaps Jennifer’s four extra years of life had taught her that there were not always answers. Either that or she knew that both he and Caroline hadn’t got their stories straight yet.
‘Why didn’t you tell us you were leaving Dad?’ said Jessica. Her round face poked out of the end of the duvet, her eyes glistening. He couldn’t believe how much she’d grown in their time apart.
‘I’m sorry sweetie, it all happened so quickly. This work thing we do, it sometimes just gets in the way of life.’
‘You didn’t even say goodbye.’
‘I know, I’m so sorry. I would have if I could.’
‘You can always say goodbye.’
He didn’t say anything and wondered whether Jennifer in the bunk below had fallen asleep.
‘You’re back though aren’t you, for good?’
‘I certainly am. I’ll never leave you again,’ said John, unsure quite how true this statement was. His future, and foremost his family’s safety whilst he remained, was so fogged it was impossible to see even to tomorrow. ‘If I had had a choice, I never would have left before.’
‘It’s been horrible since you’ve been gone. Mum missed you.’
‘And I missed her.’
‘And me?’
‘And you.’
‘And Jen?’
‘And Jen.’
‘Who did you miss the most?’
‘I missed you all as much as each other.’ John smiled and held Jessica’s head in his hand. ‘Now go to seep and I promise I’ll be here when you get up in the morning.’ He kissed her and felt the first tear spilling from his eye.
He now sat down on the bottom bunk, slowly at first incase Jennifer was asleep but he soon saw that she wasn’t. She was facing the wall, her arms clasped round herself in a defensive hug.
‘Good night Jennifer,’
‘Good night,’ she said without turning around.
‘I love you very much.’
She turned to look at him. ‘What hurts the most is that Mum didn’t even have a clue where you were, or when you’d be back. How could you do that to her?’ She was whispering, not wanting to ruin her baby sister’s enclosed view of the world.
‘I told her what I could. Sometimes we really don’t have control over the things we do, or the things we don’t. Just know that I have never loved any of the three of you as much as I do now. I always have, always will. The past year was hell without you.’
‘We were always here,’ she said and turned back to face the wall.
John leaned over and kissed her cheek.
‘Glad you’re home Dad.’
This triggered tears in John which he was unable to control. Standing outside the girl’s bedroom he let them fall. There was no need to hold them back. It was more than just himself that had been confined in that complex. His happiness had been confined and sated, and now with waves of relief he let it all come out. A joy he couldn't lose again. All he needed was to keep his promise to Jessica that he was no longer going anywhere.
That night he and Caroline made love. The year’s worth of pent up loneliness was such a relief that its expulsion was prodigious in its release. He never wanted it to end. The pinnacle of physical connection was so strong that he feared no longer having it as they broke apart, their hands touching in order to not fully break the connection.
‘It hasn’t been like that for a while,’ said Caroline. They both lay looking up at the ceiling. It glowed with light of passing cars.
‘It certainly hasn’t,’ said John. He clasped Caroline’s hand tighter and shifted even closer to her. Their bodies now inseparable from each other.
‘No John, I mean it. This may sound terrible but in the past, it was as if we had become two other people. This time...I’ve never felt as though we were both so fully here, in the moment. Does that make sense?’
‘I know exactly what you mean.’ John kissed her bare shoulder. Since his escape he had discovered that it was the little things he had missed the most. Lying in a bed, not alone, being the greatest.
They lay like that for time immeasurable. In silence. The passing cars had reduced in frequency, turning the light show on the ceiling from a free-for-all into an occasional slur of artificial light as a lone vehicle turned out of the junction opposite the house and off to its desired location.
‘I really hope work are ok with you tomorrow,’ Caroline finally said.
‘I’m sure they will be.’
‘Are you ready to tell me yet where you were?’
‘Not right now princess. I will tomorrow, I promise. Let me sort out work first, get my head in order, and I’ll have all the answers you need.’
‘I don’t want to push you John, but I need to know,’ she said before adding, ‘we need to know.’
‘As I’ve said, it will never happen again.’
‘It really can’t John.’ She then raised his arm and rested it gently on her stomach. ‘We need you,’ she repeated. ‘Your son won’t want his dad disappearing when he needs him most.’
John could deal with the framed photograph. Even the imposter kissing his children before bed each night now seemed an inconvenience that had befallen his family. This, this was unnatural. Unfair. And surely untrue. Caroline wasn’t the only one in need of answers. This now involved an overwhelming betrayal. Bartley had taken away his last twelve months - and had now taken away his son. The child growing within the woman beside him was an abomination. To think of Caroline’s child in this way made him flinch, but it was true. Whoever the imposter was, everyone appeared to believe it had been him. The man who had become the father, the husband, the son, had impregnated his wife.
His exterior remained impassive, and he was thankful for the darkness surrounding them. He forced a smile and turned to Caroline who was facing him. She appeared genuinely happy. This just made things worse. He screwed his eyes up tight in order to kiss her, not wanting to see her up close. This was a form of infidelity, all be it unaware, culminating with a life growing inside which was simply not his.
‘You wouldn’t leave him would you?’ she whispered.
‘Never,' said John in a whisper so low he doubted she had heard it.
‘Good,' she said and rolled away from him. He cuddled up behind her, his left arm almost afraid to touch her belly.
His eyes remained open for hours as he stared over her head and into the tabletop mirror opposite. His reflection stared back. He looked at it for hours until the faint pull of sleep began dragging him down for the night. After all that had happened, he had never felt so far from home.
Chapter 17
It was all so real. The wind sweeping across his face, the gritty crunch beneath his shoes, the glint of the sun that made him squint. There was a smell in the air of bonfire, the smoke couldn’t be seen but that unmistakable tang of burning wood triggered the sensory perception in his brain to accept that it was there. This place certainly had substance.
Tony past a vegetable stool, the various colours glowed, and the smells, so unnoticeable until now, followed him further down the high street. He brushed his hand through a hedge that centred the pavement and as he reached the beginnings of the pub he touched its white mottled walls, applying pressure and not letting his hand leave the stone. He stroked it with his fingers before applying more pressure the further he went. Soon his clenched fist was dragging along the wall; any more pressure and blood would be drawn. He even wanted to stop for a second, punch the wall, perhaps put a fist through a window just for ultimate confirmation that all around was a physical force with substance, and not just shadow like the people.
Further sensations were triggered as he neared the entrance of The Smack. The smell of fumes from the passing cars fleeing and entering Hambleton; the sound of birds and the bark of a dog seemed amplified now that he was fully paying attention. Quite why he should only be paying attention to his surroundings here he could not tell - perhaps it was an attempt to prove Bartley wrong, and that he hadn’t gone anywhere at all.
The entrance to The Smack was around the side of the building. He followed the path into the car park which opened out into its mammoth garden. It heaved with people on what was a surprisingly warm afternoon. Families, couples, and the obligatory lone gentleman sat at benches nursing their drinks, and as with everything else around him, their presence was amplified. The mumble of chatter clashed with the sound of singing birds. The occasional beeping horn from the main road played out alongside the screaming of kids. For a moment Tony just stared from the proximity of the car park. If these people were really what Bartley had told him then...what exactly were they? Who was defining their being? Who had created this world? Who maintained the rules by which they were governed? He could have asked the same questions wherever he was. The individual was still making the decisions, implementing the rules. These beings were always in control.
He turned to the pub. Oak beams framed the large double doors which were propped open by a sandwich board declaring two meals for a fiver and an apparent world famous beer festival. It looked like a black hole against the side of the sheer white building, a black hole he needed to penetrate. But not yet. He stood, composing himself for what potentially lay inside. Part of him didn’t want it to be true. An unnatural, almost perverse element reared its head like a beast, dousing the great and earth-shattering conclusion for which he prayed. All it needed was for him to take a few more steps, enter the dark cavern ahead and be welcomed by the ultimate proof of all - the thing which would turn all of his beliefs of Bartley, of anything, on its head. He approached, at first cautious but with growing intent as he began ascending the small number of stairs. The harsh sunlight heightened the darkness of the entrance; his eyes struggled to adjust to the shadows. With one final hesitant step he entered The Smack.
