Selling Sunshine, page 12
Honestly, that first season, we fought the producers on a lot of stuff while we were filming. But Jason was definitely the most outspoken by far. I’m pretty sure he wanted to produce the episodes himself, which is kind of funny in retrospect. He was constantly saying things like, “No, I don’t like that. You should do it this way instead.” And then the women would jump on the bandwagon and be like, “I’m not willing to do that.” Or “I’m not going to say that.” We wanted to be super careful about how we presented ourselves for fear that the producers would spin our actions and words to create drama that didn’t actually exist. It was an exciting process but simultaneously nail-biting.
The good news is that once we saw the first cut, we were all relieved that the producers and editors hadn’t done anything to make us look bad. I remember Adam DiVello explaining, “I can’t use what you don’t give me. So, at the end of the day, what you say and how you act is up to you.”
Along these lines, Christine made her own bed. Some people loved her, some people hated her, but she certainly didn’t hold back. She craved attention, whether it was positive or negative, and she did everything in her power to attract it. Christine’s main goal was to be the star of the show, whereas the rest of us were perfectly content to be equal parts of an ensemble. With that said, I believe most of us were pretty true to who we are in real life. We may not have shared every single personal detail of our lives, but we were authentically ourselves and as open as we could comfortably be, given that the filming wasn’t something we were used to.
Still, I think there was always a lingering concern that something could go wrong. When you dive into a new situation that’s unfamiliar and one that you know is going to impact your life in a major way, you have to be somewhat cautious. For example, in my case, I was newly married to Romain, and we weren’t even that far along in our relationship. Accordingly, I had the underlying concern that the smallest taste of fame could change things between us.
Back then, none of the other cast members were showing their relationships on camera. Initially, Romain wasn’t being paid but was taking time off from work to film, and often they’d ask him to be available at the last minute. So, eventually, since they wanted him on with me, and he couldn’t keep skipping out on his job without compensation, they promoted him to full-time. They’d never done that for anyone else’s significant other. Of course, Romain is super easygoing and very easy to get along with. Everybody likes Romain. For this reason, it wasn’t an issue to have him join the show, for me or anyone else. And even though I was in the spotlight much more than he was, he didn’t care. He was never jealous about the attention I received. Quite the opposite, in fact. He was always extremely supportive and grateful. He took the promotion to full-time cast member in stride, as he does everything else.
It’s not lost on me that I’ve worked with some of my significant others in the past, and it hasn’t been easy. But Romain and I get along so well; he’s my person. We rarely fight. We’re in love and we get each other, which makes being together, both personally and professionally, stressless.
Though Romain was fine with my becoming well-known, I had reservations about how my family would handle my being suddenly thrust into the spotlight. Thankfully, everyone was as encouraging as they could be. My dad definitely doesn’t understand my public life and would never in a million years want to be part of it, but he still supports me at every turn.
He’ll say to me, “Honey, I’m so proud of you. If you’re happy, I’m happy. I just don’t want to be involved in any of the TV stuff.”
And I’m like, “I get it, Dad. I know it’s your worst nightmare!”
My mom is also super proud of me, but she does worry because she knows how sensitive I am. And she knows that when I go quiet, I have something on my mind. Just the other day she called me and asked, “Are you okay, honey? I haven’t heard from you in a little while. What’s going on?”
I said, “I’m okay. I’m just trying to work through some things and process them in my head.”
She was silent for a moment and then added, “I know you always absorb everybody’s feelings and opinions. Remember to take it easy on yourself.”
My mom is right. I do tend to take on the issues and emotions of my friends, colleagues, and even strangers online, which can be a heavy burden at times. This is why I do my best not to look at social media—I’ll read ninety-nine affirmative comments and then one that’s really hurtful, and that’s the thing I dwell on. Sometimes, it ruins my day. It’s hard not to zero in on the negativity.
Honestly, what bothers me most, and the only time I’ll ever respond to social media trolls, is when they throw punches at Romain, especially because what they say is so polar opposite of his character. People have called him a gold digger, said I was old enough to be his grandmother, and questioned why he would ever want to be with me, if not for my money. They’ve also claimed that he doesn’t have a job, which is ridiculous. Romain works harder than anyone I know.
So when people attack him for no good reason and with nothing to back up their assertions and assumptions, that makes me mad. Fortunately, over the past few years, most people have become supportive of our relationship, but in the beginning, there were a lot of cruel comments from viewers.
I used to go to him really upset and say, “I’m so sorry, baby. I can’t believe these idiots are saying all these horrible things about you that aren’t true.”
And Romain would just shrug and reply, “Fuck them, I don’t care. They don’t know me, and they don’t know us.”
It’s so refreshing to be with a man who knows who he is and doesn’t let silly stuff like that bother him. I wish I were able to have the same blasé response. What’s crazy is that I used to spend hours drafting long messages to the haters. I tried to kill them with kindness while also making sure they took responsibility for their behavior and felt embarrassed by the way they were acting and about what they’d said. I was just so pissed that they were talking poorly about my man. But nowadays I don’t reply to any pessimism. I don’t have time for that level of negativity, and I’ve learned how to better handle it. If I do happen to see something mean, I just delete it and block the person. I’ve also hired a social media team to shield me from the trolls so that I don’t internalize everything.
Rationally, I know it’s all just projection. People who have that much time to hate are the same people who watch the show and pick apart everything Romain and I do. They’re obviously unhappy in their own lives, which is a reflection on them and not on us, but of course it’s still not fun to read, and it doesn’t feel good. I often have to remind myself of that. I don’t need that toxicity in my life and have had quite enough of it.
The other thing people love to go after—specifically with me and the other women on the show—is how we look. They’ll comment on my posts or message me directly and say things like, “Stop getting fillers. You look so plastic.” And I want to write back (but don’t), “I just put on some weight and my face is fuller. I didn’t get fillers!” But, again, I know it’s better not to engage. I’m not going to lie, though. I have had minimal filler injections in my temples and cheeks and a small amount in my lips from a few years back. I’m not embarrassed by it. We are our own worst critics, so if a man or woman feels more confident with a little filler or nip/tuck, I fully support it!
How I react to criticism often depends on what’s going on in my life and what my emotional state is at the time. If I just got a great listing at work and Romain and I are getting along really well, I let things roll off my back much more easily. I don’t even pay attention to the haters. What they’re saying is rude, and I don’t like or condone it, but it doesn’t affect me in the same way when I feel at peace. On the other hand, if I’m already upset about something, the negativity will really bother me. It’s like a dagger. So if I’m upset, it’s not the actual things the trolls are saying that bothers me—it’s the feeling of being kicked while you’re down. Fortunately, even with everything I’ve gone through in my life, I’ve never been depressed. It’s just not who I am.
No one is perfect. Everyone hurts. Everyone has issues. It’s hard to understand why people don’t get that I’m human just like they are. Just because I’m on a television show doesn’t mean I’m emotionless, nor are my castmates.
I don’t think I’ve ever succumbed to the pressure to change how I look based on what other people are saying about me. I get simple age-defying procedures based on how I feel when I view myself in the mirror. I’m very open about what I’ve had done. I tried fillers for the first time recently, though—as I said—I’ve been accused of filling my face many times. I’ve done little things to help with the wrinkles on my neck, because I think your neck can really show your age (so can your hands!), and many people make the mistake of concentrating only on their face. That’s really it. I’m in my early forties, and I think I look pretty good for my age. I have nothing to be ashamed of.
My being on television doesn’t impact how I maintain my appearance. I’d want to feel confident in myself regardless. Though I will admit that there’s a greater pressure to appear perfect. But when my castmates and I do have any simple beauty treatments, we’re attacked for looking fake. It’s a lose-lose proposition. The truth is, I’m aging; we’re all aging. Why is that not allowed? My only goal is to look like a slightly younger version of myself now. I’ve seen people take it way too far, which is much worse than having a few wrinkles.
I actually don’t even know how to edit my own photos. My friends edit everything and laugh at me, because I’ll just snap a picture and post it on the spot. I’ll admit that sometimes I put a little filter on it, but I feel like that’s enough. I mean, how did we live before the Honey filter?!
Regardless, when people criticize my appearance, it does bother me. I have this constant inward battle, which is, on the one hand, to say, Screw it. I’m over forty years old. I think I look pretty good. If I want to do something that makes me feel better, and you don’t like it, tough shit. You don’t have to agree, but this is what I’m doing for myself. On the flip side, I often take what they’re saying to heart and think: Well, I don’t want to look fake. I just want to look like the younger version of me. I want to turn back the clock a couple of years, as do so many women (and men).
Imagine going out to dinner and eating a big meal, posting a photo, and then receiving a thousand comments insinuating you’re either overweight or pregnant. Things like: “Look at her bump!” or “You should run to a gym . . . fast.” If I’m not too fat, then I’m too skinny. I can never be perfect. Can anyone?
Of course, I get that this is the price of broadcasting my life on reality television, but I don’t think that makes it fair. Even though I’m sensitive, I feel like I’m a pretty strong person overall, and, rationally, I know these insults don’t really matter. When I take a step back, I am able to think logically about it. But for so many young women and men, this is not the case. One of my biggest goals is to use my platform to spread awareness about social media bullying. One critical or nasty comment can really destroy someone’s confidence. At the very least, words can wound people or even teach them that it’s okay to treat other people unkindly. In a worst-case scenario, it could cause people to hurt themselves or even to take their own lives, certainly when the bullying is systematic. To me, that’s not only horrifying but also has to be stopped. And now that I have a voice heard by a lot of people, I want to fight against the brutality. I feel like it’s my responsibility.
Women get it way worse than men most of the time. The sad thing is that I believe this is because women are the nastiest to other women, and most of the really disgusting hate “mail” that I get is from them, whereas Romain mainly has women who throw themselves at him. Of course, he doesn’t pay any attention to them. He’s always like, “If you’re following me, I think you know I’m married. Fuck off.” It’s amazing to me how he can just address it head-on and then forget about it.
The ladies on Selling Sunset get blasted every single day, all day. We’re attacked for everything we say, everything we do, the way we look, how much we eat, how little we eat; it’s vicious. Whereas I intentionally do my best to separate myself from it, many of the women analyze every single comment on their posts. They even look at one another’s comments to see what people are saying about everyone. I’m like, “How the hell do you have time for that? I can barely keep up with my own page and comments!” Again, it is part of our job to a certain extent, but if I continued to pay that much attention, I’d be in an insane asylum right now.
Even beyond the world of social media, living in the public spotlight is a double-edged sword. While the show definitely provides me a tremendous amount of visibility as a real estate agent, which—in turn—helps me sell more homes, there are also scenarios when the filming schedule gets in the way of my day-to-day progress. During the first season it wasn’t as big a deal, because I wasn’t as busy back then with brand collaborations, events, and appearances. I was just working and taping the show. I definitely had to stay organized and strategize carefully about how to schedule things, which was challenging on occasion, but I was able to handle it fairly easily.
Now that we’re filming, and I have so much else going on in my world, there are many times when I’ve lost clients or haven’t landed deals because of my other commitments. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day to focus on everything I have on my plate, and it really bothers me if something falls to the wayside. When the cameras are following us, it’s preferred that we keep our phones off. We’re not supposed to be taking calls when we’re in the middle of a scene that will distract from the main topic and cause any production delays. And if clients can’t reach me for hours, they typically feel ignored, which is the exact opposite of what I want. For example, a buyer might call me while I’m taping and leave a voicemail saying, “I can’t make it to the showing at two o’clock, can we do it at four or five instead?” Under normal circumstances, I’d pick up the phone and say, “Yes, no problem.” But if I miss the call and can’t return it in a timely fashion, they often move on.
After the first season, I didn’t get recognized nearly as much as I do now. Back then I could still go out and live my life under the radar, especially if I was by myself. Sometimes people would stare at me, and I could tell they were trying to figure out how and why they knew me, though mostly they’d keep their distance. But over time, it’s gotten way more intense.
The first really outrageous experience I had was when the second season was airing. I was sitting in my car at a stoplight right by the Beverly Center, and two girls were in the car next to mine. Suddenly, they started screaming. I couldn’t make out exactly what they were saying, but it was so loud that I thought a pedestrian had been hit by another vehicle. Or that something else horrible had happened. I was looking all around me to find the source of their shrieks, but there was nothing going on. Then I heard them yell, “We love you, Mary!” When I realized that all of this commotion was for me, I was shocked. It’s strange when you don’t view yourself the way others view you. To me, I’m just a simple girl from Indiana. To Selling Sunset fans, I’m a reality TV star. It’s wild.
And it’s only gotten wilder. I’ll never forget when the cast was in Las Vegas on New Year’s Eve 2021 for a Katy Perry concert. There were so many fans crowded around us that the staff had to guide us to a different section because we were getting bombarded; we literally couldn’t take a step forward on our own. Jason and Brett actually had to hide in the bathroom because it was too much for them. Romain and I stayed out there, and we couldn’t believe the hysteria.
Fans were running up to us, trying to get selfies, and we were like, “One at a time. Everyone will get a turn.” We were trying to be as nice as possible, but it’s not easy when people are coming at you. Still, Romain and I stood there for about an hour because we really wanted to make everyone happy. Even though these kinds of experiences can be overwhelming, they’re also incredibly flattering, and—for this reason—they don’t bother me. I go in prepared. I know I’m there to represent the show; it’s my job.
The only time the attention gets to me a little is when I’m attempting to have a quiet dinner and hold a meaningful conversation with Romain or with family and friends, and I can tell that people are gaping at us and trying to overhear what we’re saying.
I get asked often if I regret joining the show and if—in hindsight—I’d make the decision to keep my life private. The candid answer is no. I’ve never regretted it, although at one point I almost quit. After we filmed season six, I said to Romain, “I don’t know if I can do this anymore, or maybe I just don’t want to do this anymore. There’s so much drama going on between all of my castmates, and it’s really impacting me.” I guess that’s what happens when you’re so close with the people you work with. I had to ask myself if it was really worth it.
In season seven, I actually resigned from my manager position because of how it was affecting me. I didn’t want to be in the middle of all the drama with my coworkers. I’m friends with everyone, and I was in this awkward position of having to manage everybody’s personalities in order to keep them from fighting. It sucked.
Not surprisingly, Romain was amazing about it. “You have to do what feels right for you,” he told me. “If you want to stay on the show, stay on the show. If you don’t, don’t. It truly doesn’t matter to me. All I care about is that we have each other and that we’re happy together. That’s our real life.”
Throughout all this, speaking to my therapist about everything has been an enormous help. For so many years—when I probably needed it most—I couldn’t afford this luxury. Now that I can, I’m absolutely taking advantage of it. I love being able to bounce things off her and get opinions that are completely objective. It was Jason who initially pushed me to see her, because he knows that I take everything to heart and then start questioning myself. She’s been such a great sounding board for me.
