Pugnapped!, page 4
“Why should we help you?” Rudy asked. “You took Cupcake in the first place. This is all your fault.”
“I know,” The Parasite whined. “But if my dad finds out, I’m going to be in huge trouble.”
“Personally, I’m okay with that,” Rudy said.
“No, Rudy,” I said, laying a hand on his shoulder. “That’s not The Superhero Way. As superheroes, we must be willing to help anyone. Even a loathsome, foul, cruel-hearted criminal like The Parasite. And we cannot risk upsetting poor Miss Boyle.”
“I’m not a criminal, Mr. Running-Around-Town-in-His-Little-Pajamas,” The Parasite said. “And if we don’t find Cupcake, Miss Boyle will be a million times madder than my dad will be. I’ll get in big trouble, but you two will be dead meat.”
We were standing there in silence contemplating our impending doom when The Chief poked her head out the front door of my headquarters.
“Stevie? Stevie, sweetie? You have a phone call. It’s Miss Boyle.”
I hated to deceive The Chief, but I had no choice. I engaged my Quick-Change Chameleon Camouflage Power and used my Voice-Disguising Power so The Chief wouldn’t know it was me.
“Stevie eez not heeeerrrr,” I called out in a perfect imitation of the President of France. “Pleez leave a message at zee beep. BEEP!”
“Stevie,” The Chief said. “I can see you standing right there behind my begonias. In your pajamas. Come get the phone and stop fooling around. Miss Boyle wants to talk to you.”
“We’re sorry,” I called out in a perfect imitation of a robot, “All of our customer service representatives are busy at this time. Please try your call—”
“Now!” The Chief hissed, holding the phone out toward me.
I took a deep, heroic breath and marched over to the phone.
“Here he is, Heather,” The Chief said into the phone before handing it to me.
“She’s calling about Cupcake,” The Chief whispered to me.
I took the phone.
“Hello, citizen,” I said in my calmest, deepest, most heroic voice.
“Ohhhhhhh, Stevie!” squealed Miss Boyle. “How is my little poochie smookums? I miss my wittle baby soooooo much! Is everything all right? Did you read the entire binder? Has she had her midday paw rub yet? If she doesn’t have it, her adorable little footsies get sore and that makes mama’s baby puppy schnookums all cranky wanky.”
“Ummm . . .” I gulped.
“And did you remember to cut her lunch up into very small pieces? Too much chewing tires her out, and I’m afraid that she’ll choke if she eats while she’s tired.”
“Ummm . . .” I gulped again.
“And remember that my little snuggie-wuggums needs to have her imported mineral water served at 76 degrees, exactly. Otherwise she might get a tummy cramp. And she likes it with a small twist of lime in it. Not lemon! Only lime. Lemon gives her acid reflux. Ooooh, I miss her so, so, so, so much. I should be at the bakery soon. I stopped to get gas on the way and the battery in my van died and I had to wait for a tow truck to jump-start me so I’m running a bit late. I’ll grab the cake and then I’ll be on my way home.”
“Ummm . . .” I gulped.
She was running late! That meant that we had some extra time to find Cupcake.
“Oh, it looks like there’s some traffic ahead. I’d better hang up. I don’t like to talk and drive.”
“Okay,” I managed to squeak.
“Oh, wait!” Miss Boyle squealed. “Before I hang up, put my little furry babykins on the phone so mama can say hello to her.”
“Wha . . .?” I croaked.
“Let me say hello to my little pookie-pie. Put Cupcake on the phone for me, Stevie.”
“I . . . uhhh . . . ummm . . .”
I cupped my hand over the phone to block my voice. . . .
“Here she is, Miss Boyle,” I said into the phone.
I handed it back to The Parasite. He looked like he was going to throw up again.
The Parasite held the phone up to his ear and gulped. “Yip? Yap? Whuff! Bar-bar-bar-barrrrrrr! Yip yip yip yip yip yip yip!” He dragged in a slobbering breath that sounded impressively like Cupcake drooling her foul, toxic drool.
The Parasite ended the call with a wet, slobbery yowl and handed the phone back to me.
“See Miss Boyle? She’s as happy as a puppy could be.”
I listened as Miss Boyle talked even faster than normal.
“Uh-huh,” I said. “No . . . I . . . But . . . Okay, Miss Boyle.”
I hung the phone up.
“What did she say, Stevie?” asked The Parasite, wiping drool from his chin.
“Stevie?” Rudy asked, waving his hand in front of my eyes a few times. “Stevie? Are you in there?” He snapped his fingers in my face.
“Hello? Stevie? What did Miss Boyle say?”
I looked from Rudy to The Parasite.
“She said that she thought Cupcake didn’t sound good,” I groaned. “She’s worried that Cupcake might be getting sick. Miss Boyle is turning around and coming right home. She’ll be here in an hour.”
“Parasite,” I announced, “we’re going to have to work together if we have any hope of rescuing Cupcake. I don’t like you, and you don’t like me—”
“And I don’t really like him very much, either,” The Parasite interrupted, pointing at Rudy.
“Thanks, Chaz,” Rudy said, rolling his X-Ray eyes.
“Well, I guess it’s not just that I don’t like you guys,” The Parasite said. “It’s also that you’re really, really annoying. I mean, look at yourselves. Running around the neighborhood in those goofy costumes, pretending that you can fly and—”
“Like I was saying,” I interrupted. “You were the last one to see Cupcake. We’re going to have to work together to save her. Plus, if you don’t help us, your dad will kill you. This is just like issue #444 of Captain Fantastic. The one where Captain Fantastic is held captive on—”
“The Planet of The Baritone Women!” The Parasite chimed in, his eyes lighting up. “And they want him to sing tenor in their upcoming production of—”
“The Sound of Music!” I cried. “But they also captured his arch-enemy, The Stinkfish, who actually has a pleasing alto voice. And they keep both of them—”
“Locked in the backstage prison until they learn their lines!” the Parasite yelped, flapping his hands. “And if they mess up their lines, they’ll be killed by a raving mob of zombie assassin theater critics. So the only way they can learn their lines is by . . .”
“Working together!” The Parasite and I both yelled.
“It all makes perfect sense,” I said, pacing across the grass. “If we work together, we can rescue Cupcake before Miss Boyle gets home. We have an hour.”
“Less than an hour, now,” Rudy said. “Because you two just wasted a bunch of time talking about Captain Fantastic singing a song with his arch-enemy.”
I leaped over the security gate and onto the sidewalk. “Away to Justice!”
“The Early Bird Gets the Worm!” Rudy yelled.
The three of us stood on the sidewalk in perfect battle formation.
Ready for action.
Ready for anything.
“So, um, now what?” The Parasite asked. “My legs are getting sore from standing like this. Shouldn’t we actually be looking for Cupcake instead of just posing in the street like this?”
Rudy lifted his Wonder Goggles and scanned the area.
“Well, X?” I asked. “What have you got to report?”
“I don’t see Cupcake,” Rudy reported.
The Parasite sighed. “What is wrong with you two? We can’t just stand here, waiting for the kidnapper to show up. He’s not going to just—”
“Hey! It’s Hot John!” Rudy cried, pointing down the street.
Hot John’s mobile command unit pulled around the corner. . . .
“Looks like we found our kidnapper,” I said.
Rudy shook his head. “I don’t get it. This doesn’t make any sense. Chaz is the kidnapper. Why would Hot John take Cupcake from Chaz?”
“Oh, it does make sense, young Rudy,” I said, patting his head.
Rudy swatted my hand away. “Stop calling me ‘Young Rudy.’ I’m four months older than you. And don’t pat my head or I’ll break your fingers with my X-Ray Karate Chop.”
“What the heck is an X-Ray Karate Chop?” Chaz asked. “That doesn’t even make any sense. How can a karate chop be X-Ray? If you—”
“This is just like issue #57 of The Jeweler,” I interrupted. “The one where The Jeweler is hired to make a necklace for the The Queen of Europe, but his arch-enemy, Cubic Zircon, disguises himself as a messenger and distracts The Jeweler with a fake letter from The Queen. While The Jeweler is reading the letter, Cubic Zircon replaces the necklace for the Queen with an exact duplicate that he made. Except that his has a secret mind-control device in it that he’s going to use on The Queen of Europe. It all makes perfect sense.”
“Of course!” The Parasite agreed. “It’s just like that!”
“That makes no sense at all!” Rudy groaned.
“Think about it,” I explained. “Hot John must have kidnapped Cupcake using his Brainwave Amplification—”
“This isn’t about the squirrels again, is it?” Rudy sighed. “Enough with the squirrels.”
“No, no, no,” I said. “I was wrong about the squirrels. Somebody else must be controlling them. But I know that Hot John kidnapped Cupcake, and I’ve got all the proof I need right here.”
I pulled the ransom note from my secret document storage compartment.
“Why do you have an envelope stuffed into your underpants, you freak?” The Parasite asked. “That’s so unsanitary!”
“My Super Suit doesn’t have any pockets,” I explained. “This ‘bill’ that Hot John gave us to deliver isn’t a bill at all. It’s a decoy. He gave it to us to deliver to get us out of the way. Hot John knew that Cupcake was at The Parasite’s evil lair all along.”
“It’s actually a small mansion, not an evil lair,” The Parasite corrected. “You can tell because we have fountains and nice landscaping.”
I sighed and continued. “And Hot John gave us this ‘bill’ to deliver to make sure that we were out of the way when he drove over to The Parasite’s lair—”
“Mansion,” The Parasite corrected.
“—to kidnap Cupcake!”
Rudy shook his head. “So he used the bill to get us out of the way. Okay. That actually makes sense. But how did Hot John know that Cupcake was at Chaz’s—”
“Mansion,” finished The Parasite.
“With this!” I cried, snatching the PuppyVision collar from The Parasite’s hand.
“With a TV remote control?” Rudy asked.
I waved the PuppyVision collar in the air. “This is no simple remote control, Rudy,” I explained. “It’s just like the fake necklace in The Jeweler. Hot John told us that it could read the wearer’s brain waves. Hot John must be able to use it in reverse to control Cupcake’s mind and make her come right to him.
“Think about it! When Hot John installs PuppyVision, the owners willingly strap a mind-control collar around their dog’s neck. One that Hot John can use to make the dog come to him. Then he can hold the dog for ransom. He can do that to dog owners all over the world and become rich. It’s brilliant!
“And the controls for all his evil collars must be in there.” I pointed to Hot John’s mobile command unit. “He cleverly disguises himself as a TV installation guy, and his victims actually pay him to come steal their dogs.”
“That’s why he has his name and phone number on his shirt!” Rudy cried.
“If all his stuff is in there,” The Parasite said, “then Cupcake must be in there, too! I’m going to look. Cover me!”
“Parasite! Wait!” I said. He marched right over to Hot John’s mobile command unit and climbed up onto the back bumper to look in the window.
“Whoa . . .” he gasped.
Rudy and I ran over to him.
“What is it?” I asked.
“It’s Mr. Woobles!” The Parasite cried.
“What are you talking about?” I asked, jumping up on the bumper next to him.
The Parasite pointed through the window. “Right there. See? It’s Mr. Woobles!”
I peered through the window with my Ultra-Mega Binocu-Vision; and there, amid spools of wire and buckets of evil looking electronic devices, sat Mr. Woobles.
“I thought Hot John dropped Mr. Woobles on the street,” I said, turning to Rudy.
“He did,” Rudy said, grabbing Mr. Woobles from the street.
Rudy kept a lookout with his X-Ray Vision while The Parasite opened the back door of the van and grabbed the second Mr. Woobles. It was a perfect match of Cupcake’s favorite chew toy except that it didn’t look all chewed up like it had before.
The Parasite gave Mr. Woobles a gentle squeeze.
My Deluxe Genius Super Brain Power immediately figured out Hot John’s scheme. “Hot John is creating an army of Mr. Woobles clones to help him in his quest to kidnap all the dogs in the world. He knows how much dogs love squeaky chew toys. It’s just like in issue #550 of Commander Beefy, when Commander Beefy discovers that his arch-enemy, Dr. Mayo, has created an evil army of living Tater Tots to help him take over the world. It all makes perfect sense.”
“Commander Beefy? Dr. Mayo? Evil Tater Tots? That. Makes. No. Sense. At. All. And . . . uh-oh . . .” Rudy groaned. He pointed toward Miss Boyle’s house. “Hot John is coming.”
I used my Silent-Stealth Sneak Power to duck around the side of the vehicle with Rudy. My Quick-Change Chameleon Camouflage Power instantly made us completely invisible to the human eye. The Parasite quietly closed the door of Hot John’s command unit and slipped around the side just as Hot John appeared at the end of Miss Boyle’s driveway.
“I didn’t get a chance to see the whole interior,” The Parasite whispered. “Cupcake must be locked away in a hidden compartment.”
Hot John walked across the street toward us.
“He’s coming,” Rudy whispered. “Do something!”
“I’ve already got a plan,” I said. “This is just like issue #750 of Man-Bear when Man-Bear was stalking his arch-enemy, The Ring Master, who was trying to catch him so he could display him in his evil Circus of Death. The Ring Master set a trap for Man-Bear and Man-Bear fell into it. It all makes perfect sense.”
Rudy stared at me. “And then what?” he whispered.
“And then nothing,” I said. “The Ring Master caught him and used him as an exhibit in his evil circus. That was the last issue of that comic book. It’s a very valuable collector’s item.”
“I have a copy of that one,” The Parasite said with a nasty smirk. “It’s worth more than a new washing machine.”
“A new washing machine?” Rudy asked. “What kind of comparison is that? How much does a new washing machine cost?”
“It totally depends on the features,” The Parasite explained. “Ours is the deluxe model, so it has a fancy dirt detecting sys—”
I shooshed them with a Power Shoosh.
I pointed toward Hot John, who was digging his keys out of his pocket.
We crouched silently as he opened the back doors and climbed in. I engaged my Super Stealthy Mode and the three of us crept up behind Hot John completely undetected.
“Now’s our chance,” I whispered. “We can trap him.”
I pointed to Rudy’s toolbelt.
He reached in and pulled out the Duct Tape of Justice. “This?” he whispered.
I sprang into action. . . .
There was tremendous crash from inside Hot John’s vehicle. “He’s trying to escape!” I cried. “We’ve got to alert Miss Boyle to the danger and find a way to neutralize Hot John’s powers!”
“What are Hot John’s powers?” Rudy asked.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “We’ll have to figure that out as we go!”
We raced across the street and skidded to a stop behind Miss Boyle’s cruising vessel. Except for Rudy. He kept right on running and crashed into the back of it.
Miss Boyle swung her door open and cried “Oh, Rudy! Are you okay? What are you boys doing? And why are you still in your pajamas, Stevie? Where’s my little Cupcake?”
Rudy stood up and rubbed his head. “Oh, yeah. I’m okay, Miss Boyle. I’m an indestructible superhero.”
He staggered over to the lawn and sat down, still rubbing his head.
“And . . .” I began, stepping forward to make our great announcement.
“We caught a super criminal!” The Parasite announced. “He was here leaving a ransom note for Cupcake, but we trapped him in his van.”
“A ransom note for Cupcake?” Miss Boyle cried, her eyes growing wide. “What happened? Where is she?”
I cleared my throat, put my hands on my hips, and tilted my head slightly upward. “You needn’t worry, citizen,” I announced. “The Super Guys have the situation under control. It seems that while I was summoning my sidekick, Rudy—”
“I’m not your sidekick,” Rudy interrupted. “I’m a superhero, too.”
“It seems that as I was summoning my associate, Rudy—”
“And my superhero name is X, not Rudy.”
“Where’s Cupcake?” Miss Boyle pleaded, tears welling up in her fudgy brown eyes.
“As I was saying,” I continued. “While I was out getting X to help me guard Cupcake, our arch-enemy, The Parasite, snuck over here and took the dog back to his evil lair—”
“It’s actually a small mansion,” The Parasite interrupted.
“—in an effort to prevent us from collecting the $100 reward and purchasing a special, rare collector’s edition of the first issue of Captain Fantastic that I absolutely have to have if I am going to become an incredible superhero. Meanwhile, the evil super-genius villain Hot John distracted us by asking us to deliver a decoy ransom note disguised as a bill to your house while he used his terrible mind-control satellite unit to take control of Cupcake’s brain using her PuppyVision collar and a clone of Mr. Woobles. He forced Cupcake to come to him so he could hold her for ransom as part of his devious, evil plan to take over the world by kidnapping everybody’s dogs.” I took a deep breath and nodded. “It all makes perfect sense.”
