The Falling of Hope (The Falling Series, Book 3), page 6
When she sees the bench, they sat on, where he got down on his knee and asked her to marry him, the ache in her heart causes her to buckle at the waist and cry. After a few moments of staring, her body and heart numb, she makes her way to the bench, takes a seat, and remains there. Watching the sun melt into the horizon, Grace reflects on her life with a steady flow of tears streaming down her soaked cheeks. What’s wrong with me? Why do the men I love always end up cheating on or not wanting me? An image of her ex-fiancé, Ian, getting a blowjob in the hallway of a club in Los Angeles flashes into her mind, followed by a flicker of an email from Jaden telling her that he could not be with her romantically. Made-up images of Ben making love to a faceless woman pour into her mind. Ticking off a list of self-doubts, Grace tries to figure out what she has done to deserve all the heartache love has brought her during her twenty-six years of life.
It all started with Ian. Her first love. The boy that walked into her math class one autumn day and stole her heart. Ian’s drug abuse ruined their relationship when it led him to cheat on her. After Ian, Grace fell in love with his best friend, Jaden, whom she cheated with after she caught Ian cheating. As soon as she fell in love with him, he rejected her because of his friendship with Ian. She and Ian reconnected in Paris, rekindling their romance before she found out he was still living with his pregnant girlfriend in L.A., tearing her heart out yet again. Now, Ben, the man who rescued her from her anguish over losing Ian a second time, has delivered the biggest blow yet.
Grace wipes her arm over her cheek, clearing the tears. The overwhelming desire to escape, to go home to Paris, and never speak to Ben again, crawls over her. I can’t do this. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with Ben?
Ben was Grace’s knight in shining armor two years ago when he forced his way into her life. She wonders what changed him from the man that pursued a romantic relationship, to a man that would stray from what seemed to be a perfect marriage, six months ago. Grace’s skin crawls as, once again, the imaginary vision of Ben with another woman forces its way into her mind. For what feels like the millionth time, she runs through scenarios of leaving Ben, leaving behind sorrow, and starting over once more.
Taking a breath of resolution, she thinks, It’s time to grow up. I always run away. Whenever life gets hard, that’s always my answer. Ian, and falling out of their relationship, crosses her mind, and she realizes that running away and ignoring him was how she dealt with his lies both of the times they separated. When they were teenagers, he took off after catching her with Jaden, instead of sticking around to see if he would return, she went home to the safety of her brother. When she found out that Ian kept the truth about his pregnant girlfriend from her, after reuniting five years later, she cut him out of her life. I’m a coward. I have to face this. I can’t run away this time. I’m married. Ben is my husband. Sitting on the bench where Ben promised to be hers for life, she vows that she will try to work on her marriage. That for once in her life, she will not run away from her problems.
The sunset reminds Grace of the glorious sky the night Ben asked her to marry him. It all seems like a lifetime ago, she thinks, before wiping more tears away. Ben takes the seat on the bench next to her. She does not pull her gaze from the picturesque scene before her, the sun dipping behind the vine-covered hills, rays of yellow and orange bouncing off the land. She makes no effort to conceal her tears from Ben.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know why I did it.”
Grace loves Ben and, even though he has broken her heart, she does not want to lose him. She does not want another failed relationship. Grace swallows hard and turns to face him, her emerald eyes infected with redness, the skin around them burning and puffed to the point that it hurts to blink.
“I made an appointment with a marriage counselor,” he says.
Grace blinks as rage builds in her chest. “That’s terribly presumptuous. What makes you think I’m not leaving you?”
“I’m sorry. If you’re willing to work on our marriage, I’ve made us an appointment,” he says squeezing her thigh.
Grace turns from him and looks out over the countryside. She takes a deep breath and pushes the anger down. “Okay, we can try that,” she says, her voice a soft whisper through tears. “And you have to stay home. No more business trips. If you love me, you will do this for me. If this is going to work, we have to try to go back to what we were. You can’t lie to me and run off anymore.”
Ben places his arm around her back and pulls her into a tight embrace. “I’m not going anywhere, darling.”
“I’m not ready for you to come home yet, though. I still need time. We’re not the Cleavers. I can’t just put on a happy face and pretend that everything is ‘right as rain.’ I’ll try. That’s all I can promise.”
“I understand. I’ll do anything it takes to make you forget.”
“It will never be forgotten, Ben, but there’s a chance it may be forgiven.”
Chapter 5
Three weeks later…
“I didn’t even know half of the women in my wedding party!” Grace yells.
“Grace, have you always resented the fact that Benjamin’s mother planned your wedding?” asks Amelia Richards, their marriage and family therapist. A tall brunette woman, she crosses her elegant legs and jots notes down in a notebook.
Grace scowls at Ben. “Yeah, I guess I have. I mean, I was grateful,” she stops, feeling guilty for her resentment toward Lydia. “I was grateful for her help, but I didn’t have much say in anything.”
“My mother is not the issue here.” Ben snaps.
“Benjamin, it’s healthy for Grace to be able to express her feelings. Try letting her continue without interrupting. Try to listen to her. Hear what she is saying to you,” the therapist says in a calm, cool voice.
“I had a beautiful wedding, but it was not the wedding I would have chosen. And you,” Grace says, pointing her finger at Ben. “You rushed me into the whole thing. Why Ben? Why, if you were just going to screw around on me?” her voice escalates.
“We spent over a hundred thousand dollars on our wedding, and now you say it was not the wedding you wanted?” Ben yells, raising his arms in exasperation.
“Fuck you!” Grace shouts.
“Grace, try to explain to Benjamin why you were unhappy with your wedding. Let’s tackle that first, and then we’ll speak to Ben about why he rushed you into getting married.”
Grace blinks and folds her hands together. “I just felt like I had to do everything the McKay way.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Ben asks.
“Let her speak, Ben.”
“Our wedding was so cliché,” Grace says, rolling her eyes, “So typical. So not ‘me’. It was just so ‘Lydia,’ so ‘Ben.’ So fancy and perfect. I’m not fancy and perfect.”
“This is outrageous,” Ben says, slamming his hands down on the leather arms of the chair.
“I didn’t even know your cousins, Ben, and you forced me to have them in my wedding party. I thought you wanted to know how I felt.”
Ben closes his eyes and takes in a long deep breath through his nose. His hands ball into fists. “I do.”
“Good, Benjamin. Very good,” the therapist says, nodding her head in approval. “Now Benjamin, can you tell me if you feel that you rushed Grace into marriage?”
“Huh!” Grace huffs.
Ben clears his throat. “I felt like if I didn’t marry her quickly, that I might not go through with it.”
His words pierce Grace’s heart. She opens her mouth to speak and the therapist waves for her not to.
“I’ve had problems being faithful—”
“No shit!” Grace blurts out.
“Grace, please,” says the therapist in a soft tone.
“I was afraid if I didn’t marry her that I would find myself in another woman’s bed. I was scared that I would change my mind if we didn’t marry as fast as we could.”
“Marriage didn’t seem to do a thing to keep you from sleeping with someone else,” Grace retorts.
“I know. But, I thought…” Ben says. His sentence trails off into a mumble.
The therapist turns to Grace. “Has Benjamin told you these feelings before today?”
With a lump growing in her throat and tears begging for release, Grace shakes her head.
“Well, this is good. It’s a breakthrough,” the therapist says as she hands Grace a box of tissues.
“It doesn’t make me feel better to know that he knew he would cheat on me. Ben, you knew Ian cheated on me. You knew what that did to me. Why would you do the same thing? I just don’t understand why you wanted to marry me. ”
Ben takes Grace’s hand. She does not want him to but lets him anyway. “Because I love you. I was hoping that our love would be enough to help me change my ways.”
Grace stares. He looks convincing. He sounds convincing, but his actions have proven otherwise. She pulls her hand out of his and places it on her lap.
“Our time is up for today. Benjamin, are you still able to make our appointment on Friday?”
“Yes.”
“And, Grace, are you still able to come on Thursday.”
Grace nods.
As usual, the ride home after marriage counseling is emotional and silent. The entire drive from downtown Napa to McKay Vineyard, Grace runs Ben’s words over in her mind. When Ben pulls his BMW into the driveway, Grace jumps out of the car before he can come around to open the door for her.
They enter the home, and Grace walks up the stairs to their bedroom. She peels off her clothes, letting them fall out of her hands and onto the floor as she walks to the bathroom. Taking the steam from a hot shower in through her nose, she fills up her lungs. Therapy is exhausting. Emotions and truths that she kept to herself for two years spew from her mouth during their counseling sessions. When Ben enters the shower, it startles Grace. She turns to face him and he opens his arms to her. She falls into them and onto his chest.
“I love you,” he whispers.
Grace does not return his words. She cannot bring herself to speak those terms of endearment to him, but still needs the comfort of his body against hers.
Ben pours shampoo into the palm of his hand and then rubs it onto Grace’s scalp. With strong hands, he works the shampoo into a lather, massaging her head.
“I know this is hard. It’s hard for me, too.”
Grace raises her head to look at him and glowers. “This is hard on you, too?” she asks, sarcasm ringing from her voice.
“It is difficult to know that you have been unhappy about things, like the wedding and the house.”
“That’s a cakewalk compared to being cheated on, Ben,” she barks, pulling herself out of his arms.
“I know. That’s not what I mean. I just didn’t know how unhappy you were.”
Grace leans her head back into the falling water and rinses the shampoo from her long hair. “I need to finish showering. Alone.”
Ben reaches for her hips and pulls her body to his, their most intimate parts pressing against each other. He leans down and kisses her neck.
“No,” she says pushing away from him.
A frown consumes Ben’s face as he steps out of the shower.
Later that night, Ben crawls into bed, wrapping his arm around Grace. He kisses the back of her head, and the urge to brush him off makes Grace’s skin crawl.
“Are you awake?” he asks, his nose still smothered in her hair.
“Uh huh.”
“Why are you lying here in the dark at nine o’clock?”
“I’m just thinking,” she says, her voice soft.
“Today was hard. I’m not sure therapy is working,” he sighs, as he rolls onto his back and lays his head on his pillow.
“Do you think you ever would have told me why you were in such a rush to marry me if we weren’t in therapy?”
“Probably not. I don’t want to hurt you.”
You’ve done a bang up job of that, she thinks, holding her words inside so that she does not cause another argument between them.
“I wanted you to be my wife. It’s not like I didn’t. I was scared I would screw it up. I thought if I was married to you that I would not make mistakes like I have in the past.”
She inhales and says nothing. Emotionally exhausted, she does not want to fight with him again. Trying to make her marriage succeed is more work than she expected it to be. Every day is a struggle to forgive Ben, to get along with him, to try to smile through the pain he has caused. Some days, she would rather just give up than to continue waging this fight for a marriage she only thought she had. Conflicted by the love and hate she has for Ben, she takes it one day at a time. Each day hoping that her feelings will change and that she will once again be able to open her heart to her husband.
“Well, good night, I guess.”
“Good night, Ben,” she replies in the same somber tone.
~ ~ ~
“After the past few months of sessions together, I feel I have a solid diagnosis for what Ben is experiencing,” says Grace and Ben’s therapist. “Are either of you familiar with the term ‘sexual addiction?’”
Ben shrugs. “In the media a few times. Seems like a bunch of mumbo jumbo.”
Grace remains silent, agreeing with Ben.
Amelia smiles, with an understanding kindness. “It’s a very real condition, Ben. One I’m confident you have.”
Ben shakes his head.
“Hear me out. We’ve explored the abandonment you suffered as a child—”
Ben raises his hand, cutting her off. “I’ve told you. I’m very close to my parents. They didn’t abandon me. They’re the ideal parents.”
“While your conscious mind may believe that, your subconscious may not agree. I think that the abandonment you suffered when you were sent to boarding school and when your parents traveled the world while leaving you behind caused deep-seated issues, which triggered your current fear of commitment. Although you have taken great strides to combat your anxieties, such as marrying Grace, you still struggle with allowing yourself to fully commit to your relationship. From what I’ve learned from your joint sessions with Grace and our private meetings,” she nods toward Grace who sits with her hands clenched together in her lap, “is that you’re unable to control pent up feelings of lust. Think of it as you would any other addiction, such as drug abuse or alcoholism. Your vice is sex. The body produces neurotransmitters and hormones during sexual acts, which release chemicals that give off a certain high, if you will, so it’s not unthinkable that feelings of euphoria could become addictive.”
Great, Grace thinks. Now Ben has an excuse to be a douche. He can screw around on me and blame sex addiction. Ben doesn’t have a freakin’ sex addiction. He’s a cheating asshole.
“You’re aware when you have affairs that your behavior is negative, however, as you’ve expressed, you’re unable to deny the urges despite knowing you’re damaging your marriage. Correct?”
Ben nods, darting guilty eyes to the floor and raking fingers through his hair. Grace’s gut twists with repudiation of the idea that Ben’s cheating is anything but selfishness.
“While I feel that abandonment may be the underlying factor behind your sexual addiction, I am confident that the empowerment you gain from attractive women propositioning you is your affliction. In other words, abandonment and fear of being deserted triggers your mind into a state of vulnerability, and the rush you feel when women desire you and crave you is your drug.”
“I do find it almost unbearable to deny a woman that comes on to me.”
Grace huffs and folds her arms over her chest in an attempt to protect herself from the truth.
“I know it’s hard for you to accept, Grace,” the therapist says, scribbling notes into a book.
“I’m not sure I believe in sex addiction,” Grace whispers.
“There is a stigma associated with the condition, but I assure you it is real with over twelve million people suffering from it.”
“What steps do I take to get better?” Ben asks.
“You’ve already taken the first step with our sessions. I recommend we try cognitive behavioral therapy, and I would also like to suggest SAA,” the counselor pulls a brochure from the notebook she keeps notes in and hands it to Ben. “It’s Sexual Addicts Anonymous.”
“Like AA?” Grace asks.
“Yes, many find it comforting to talk about their experiences with those who also suffer from the same patterns. There are medications used for anxiety and depression that have helped others, but I think that is a last resort. If you do think medication will help, I can have you consult with our licensed psychiatrist in our office to help monitor that portion of your therapy.”
"I think I'll try it without the meds for now."
“You’ve removed yourself from temptation by spending time at home with Grace.”
“Sometimes I resent her for forcing me to stay away from the business.”
Grace spins, glaring at Ben with narrowed eyes.
“I think, for now, it’s the healthy approach, not only for you but for Grace. If you’re home, she knows you’re not cheating.”
Grace’s heart pounds as anger heats her cheeks. “I can’t trust you to go on business trips.”
Ben’s tone softens. “I understand, darling. I love you and you’re worth it.”
“That’s all the time we have for today. Think about SAA and during our next private session, I’ll try a new approach to your counseling.”
“Thank you,” Ben says. He rises from his seat, adjusting the collar of his shirt. He reaches a hand out to Grace, but she pulls herself up without his help.
She cannot help feeling that Ben will try to use this diagnosis as an excuse for further infidelity.
Chapter 6
Five months later…
A dozen roses lay on Ben’s pillow next to Grace’s head when she opens her eyes. She stretches before she reaches for the flowers and brings them to her nose, taking in their sweet scent. She closes her eyes and a smile washes over her face. Ben’s efforts over the past few months have not gone unrecognized. For the first time in months, Grace believes their marriage may have a chance of surviving his infidelity.
