Platonic, page 37
initiative and, xvii, xviii
receiving affection and, 263–264
self-esteem movement, 207–209
self-expansion theory, 24–26
selflessness
enlightened self-interest vs., 215–219
self-absorbed vs., 207–209
selfishness vs., 228
“self-made man” image, 127
self-protection. See also vulnerability
authenticity and, 139
hidden affection and, 239–244, 254–256
interpretation of others’ actions and, 30–32, 55–57 (see also attachment theory)
protecting relationship vs., 224–225 (see also boundaries)
relationship behavior as continuum, 142–143
self-soothing activities, 150, 187–188
sexual orientation. See LGBTQ
shame
among teenagers/adolescents, 19–21
attachment style and, 46
of romantic love in friendship, 242–244
suppressing emotion due to, 93–94, 96–97
“unhuman,” 16–19
vulnerability and, 93–95, 97, 104–106
sharing of concerns, 185–186. See also communication
Shepard, Dax, 121–122
“shovel friends,” 33
Simpson, Jeff, 180–181, 183–184, 194, 197
Slepian, Michael, 125
Smith-Lovin, Lynn, 105
social anxiety, 81. See also avoidant attachment
social cynicism, 11
social media
initiating friendship via, 67
loneliness and usage of, 65
“love scrolling,” 246
reciprocity of friendship and, 240
self-absorbed behavior and, 209
sociolinguistic labor, 158
Solnit, Rebecca, 156
Sow, Aminatou, 8, 161, 162
Speed, Joshua, 12–16, 26
spirituality. See religion and spirituality
spontaneous communication, 88
Sroufe, Alan, 48–49, 55
St. Vil, Christopher, 122, 123
“Stalking the True Self Through the Jungles of Authenticity” (Baumeister), 139n
stereotypes, 157–158
Stiles, William B., 98
Stinson, Danu Anthony, 75
Straight (Blank), 243
strangers, talking to, 89
Strauss, Neil, 226
Strayed, Cheryl, 197
stress. See emotion
Strohminger, Nina, 139
Stroop tasks, 100–101
Strosahl, Kirk, 115
Strozier, Charles, 14
substance abuse, 117–118
Sullivan, Harry Stack, 17, 20, 28
Sunnafrank, Michael, 85
“super friends,” 33–34
Swett, Leonard, 15
T
tarantula experiment, 140–143
Task Force to Promote Self-Esteem (California), 207–208
TEDx Talks, 106, 158
teenagers/adolescents, shame felt by, 19–21
television, as impediment to friendship, 65
termination of friendship, 165–168, 177–181, 195–198
Tessman, Lisa, 158
therapy
acceptance and commitment therapy, 115
group therapy, xv–xviii
immediacy skill, 247–248
for openness to love, 265
for substance abuse, 117–118
“The Rise of the 3-Parent Family” (Jay), 8–9
“thin trust,” 11
“36 Questions” (study, Aron), 112
Thomas Aquinas, 204
three V’s (vet, vulnerability, voice), 160–163
thriving, 212
Tocqueville, Alexis de, 127
“To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This” (New York Times), 109
“to thine own self be true,” 137
Towards a State of Esteem (University of California), 208
toxic generosity, 206–207, 212
traits for connection
burdened virtues and, 158
personality assessment, 172
personality shaped by past experience, xix–xx
recognizing, xv–xviii, xx–xxi
Transcend (Kaufman), 142
trauma
fawning behavior and, 210
managing conflict and, 184
trauma bonding, 50–51, 147
Tribe (Abramowitz), 65
triggers, soothing, 187–188. See also emotion
true self, 137–138
“The True Self” (Strohminger, Knobe, and Newman), 139
trust
attachment style and, 40, 46
equilibrium of, 227
for exposing vulnerability, 115–117
hormonal effect on, 27–28
receiving affection and, 264–265
“thin trust,” 11
truthfulness, 195
Twain, Mark, 173
U
unapologetic initiative, 68
“unhuman” shame, 16–19
University of California, 208
Unlocking Us (podcast, Brown), 185–186
V
values, vulnerability as, 114–115
Van der Kolk, Bessel, 210
Vasconcellos, John, 207
vasopressin, 27–28
Velez, Lily, 99
Vellos, Kat, 66
vulnerability, 93–133
affection and safety, 249–250
appreciation of, by others, 107–109
attachment style and, 49
in communal relationships, 223
connection to others governed by, xx–xxi
as construct, 94–95
danger of avoiding emotion, 99–105
disclosure, 19, 51, 104, 113
embracing, as value, 114–115
fulfillment of friendship and, 3–6
gender and, 117–125
hidden affection and, 239–244, 254–256
importance of, 105–107
life-changing benefits of, 124–128
nervousness as, 181
oversharing risk and, 110–112
“packaged vulnerability,” 96–97
perceived as weakness, 97–99, 130
savior complex example and, xvi, xvii, xviii, xx
scaffold vulnerability, 116
self-compassion and, 113–114
shared, 70
sharing example of, x, xi, xvii, xviii, xix
strength in, 128–131
suppressing emotions vs., 93–94, 96–97
three V’s (vet, vulnerability, voice), 160–163
trusting others with, 115–117
vulnerable ape hypothesis, 127
vulnerable narcissism, 53
W
wardrobe, 158–159
Washington Post, 123–124
Waters, Everett, 35
weakness, vulnerability perceived as, 97–99, 130
Webster, Daniel, 15
well-being. See also emotion; therapy
attachment style and, 33, 46
expressing affection for, 245–246
friendship as beneficial to, 6–11, 16–19
heart rate variability, 41
hormones, 27–28, 72–73
loneliness as detrimental to, 64–65, 270–271
self-concealment and, 33, 46
support from others for, 126
vulnerability and life-changing benefits, 124–128
We Need to Hang Out (Baker), 269–270
“We Need to Talk About ‘The Giving Tree’ ” (Grant), 207
We Should Get Together (Vellos), 66
“we” statements, 188
What Happened to You? (Winfrey and Perry), 197
When They Cry (anime show), 16
Whyte, David, 107
Why Won’t You Apologize? (Lerner), 182
widowhood, 3–6
Wilson, Kelly, 115
Winder, Isabelle C., 127
Winder, Nick P., 127
Winfrey, Oprah, 197, 247
withdrawal. See avoidant attachment
women and friendship. See gender
Woolf, Virginia, 206
work, sacrificing community for, 65
Y
Your Friend Forever, A. Lincoln (Strozier), 14
Z
Zaki, Jamil, 164
Zaraska, Marta, 7
“zucchini” (queerplatonic partners), 12
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
About the Author
Dr. Marisa G. Franco holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Maryland and works as a professor there currently. She writes for Psychology Today and she has been a featured psychologist in The New York Times, NPR, and Good Morning America. Dr. Franco delivers talks about connection and belonging all over the country to private companies, universities, and non-profit organizations.
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* Even when it comes to oxytocin, you can have too much of a good thing. In attaching us to people, it comes with some liabilities. There’s evidence, at least in women, that it increases anxiety about losing people (whereas for men it’s linked to lower anxiety).
* Though fearful attachment is important to explore, there is unfortunately not much research on it, so I focus on anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment throughout this book.
* The authors explained that because avoidants are suppressing all the time, they were likely suppressing regardless of whether they were told to do so (in the suppression condition) or not (in the control condition). This explains why they experience a rebound effect even when not in the suppression condition.
* Some psychologists disagree with my definition of authenticity and propose that authenticity doesn’t really exist. For more on this, see Roy F. Baumeister’s article “Stalking the True Self Through the Jungles of Authenticity: Problems, Contradictions, Inconsistencies, Disturbing Findings—and a Possible Way Forward.”
* Of course, though rare, there will be times when friends do not appreciate our generosity. We’ll learn more about why in the affection chapter.
* Dr. Clark has even gotten into an academic imbroglio with another researcher, C. Daniel Batson, who argued she’s wrong about the rules of relationships changing depending on their depth. In true academic fashion, their brawl played out over a series of academic papers. Since then, there have been hundreds of studies verifying communal relationships.
* In the late nineteenth century, industrialization caused people to flock to cities. With less small-town gossip and more anonymity, people started to engage in all types of sexual acts they felt barred from when living in small towns, including sex with people of the same gender. People took up Krafft-Ebing and Freud’s pseudoscience around sexuality because they were looking for a way to justify curbing the uptick in sex among people of the same gender that surged in these cities. See Blank’s Straight: The Surprisingly Short History of Heterosexuality for more.
* When people with low self-esteem were told they wouldn’t meet the stranger in person, they were able to pick up on acceptance cues. This suggests that it’s not that people with low self-esteem are oblivious to signals of acceptance. Instead, they likely downplay acceptance cues so they won’t feel worse if they’re ultimately rejected. People with high self-esteem don’t fear rejection as much, so they don’t have to engage in this defense mechanism.
Marisa G. Franco, PhD, Platonic
